Loneliness & the need for friendship?

[rolo]

I'm sure he would turn up, after all to him it is the best job ever right? But to his co-workers he may seem like that is the last place on the planet he wants to be at that time. There's clearly a major issue with the communication between NT and AS in regards to emotions.

Never mind-someone might get it eventually!!-my reasoning is a little Monty Python

 

[Soup]

I got it right away but since it was directed at someone else, I didn't say anything-but it was witty!

 

[RubenX]

So on that logic if you find the best job on the planet-you probably won't turn up!!

Exactly. See, if the job is fine and I like it, I will get good at it. Once I'm good at it, I'll do it on autopilot, while my mind is thinking about other problems that still need fixing. I walk around the office with the "Aspie Stare"(tm). People assume I'm not happy with the job.

 

[Deno]

Never mind-someone might get it eventually!!-my reasoning is a little Monty Python

I did understand your joke, but I was just being serious about the thought of him having a perfect job
I tend to be rather serious about some stuff. My bad

But anyways. Now I feel bad for going off topic so much ha ha, Lonely and in need for friendship!? I Suppose. But not the NT kind

 

[Simply a Bibliophile]

I'm sort of halfway down the Aspie scale in this regard. I'm not quite like you, Soup, in that I'm entirely indifferent towards friendships or dislike having social interaction, but I'm not one of those Aspies who is constantly feeling left out and desperate wants to be part of the NT word despite an inability to do so. I used to be one of those Aspies but I was so unhappy and depressed (almost clinically so according to the DSM-IV) that I considered suicide several times.

But then I kind of snapped out of it a year ago. Why was I so unhappy? I decided that it was probably because of my desperate need, nay, desire to fit in and be completely neurotypical. I was a misfit and I hated it. Well, I couldn't help being a misfit because I'd already tried very hard at not being a misfit and it hadn't worked. What I could help was hating it. What happened that made me change my mind was a blog post that my "best friend' made disparaging me and calling me a terrible friend/person. Traumatic for anyone, but for an Aspie? It was the end of life as I knew it. That day during an extremely intense cross country training session during which I nearly gave myself heatstroke from running too hard from my personal demons, I had kind of an epiphany. I just decided to stop with the whole quest for a best friend and it completely worked. While I have a few friends now, I'm not constantly trying to interact with them and be with them and I'm not clingy like I used to be.

I take social interaction nice and easy now. With a few aggressive NT friends, it normally comes to me when I want it. I don't seek it out, and that keeps me from ever feeling lonely. Books and music and drawing all help as well.

 

[Megan]

It's difficult for me to start and maintain friendships. I'm also particular about who I want to hang out with in real life.

I've pulled away from the IRL friends I have because I don't have much of an interest in talking to them. I think the only reason I kept those friendships going was just for the sake of having friends. People, like my parents, encouraged me to go out and it was seen as an improvement when I started hanging out with people more often (2x per month). I think the problem is that I haven't found people IRL that I have the potential to form strong friendships with.

I do get lonely, and I would like to have some close online friends. I would also like one good IRL friend to go out with once in a while.

 

[Soup]

This forum should give you the chance to make some good online friends. there are some really interesting, intelligent & nice people here.

 

[Loomis]

I get lonely sometimes but I have not interacted with a real person all week except minimally with retail clerks and do not miss the human interaction at all. I am happy this week posting on AC, enjoying netflix movies, watching financial markets and doing some workouts with my dumbbells.

 

[Soup]

When it comes to loneliness, it is a term I understand intellectually as someone who is alone (frequently,or for long periods etc.) BUT who wishes s/he weren't. I have no idea what this feels like from experience, though. To compensate for this lack of insight into it, I did some research into loneliness & social isolation. The effects of it can truly be devastating causing everything from depression to suicidal ideation, to low self-esteem to diminished mental capacity, lower IQ...it even has implications for obesity & malnutrition (either under-eating, over-eating, eating the wrong things) decreased hygiene...

WOW! That was eye-opening: I had no idea it was as bad as all that. How truly awful this must be for the Aspie who desires to socialize & is not only lonely, but feels socially excluded & rejected! Many of the anxiety/OCD symptoms would increase making them feel even worse.

I haven't been able to rustle up anything scientifically valid & research-based about Aspies who are solitary BUT are truly content that way & prefer it: not out of fear or contempt for others. I guess solitary Aspies do not present themselves for studies on a large scale.

 

[HelloDizzy]

I feel lonely even around people. Lately I've been social and guess where that got me? Beat up.

 

[Gomendosi]

I feel lonely even around people. Lately I've been social and guess where that got me? Beat up.

It is a shame if you got mugged or something but, from that other thread I thought you liked that sort of thing? perhaps you can elaborate to clarify?

 

[HelloDizzy]

I got beat up, broken hand, by a group of people. It was vile.
Planned sexual violence is different.

 

[Gomendosi]

You're right HelloDizzy, that is a horrible situation, I hope your hand isn't as bad as it looks. I hope also you can get the police involved and that the perps get sorted!

 

[Soup]

DIZZY:

Am I reading this correctly? Did someone hurt you as in assault you? What the hell happened to you?

 

[fjord]

I never "miss" people, either, not even my family. But of course when someone says, "Ooohhhh, I miiiissed you!", it won't go over very well to say, "I didn't exactly miss YOU, but I still think you're a nice person!"

One time a lady asked me if I was sad that my mother-in-law had left (after staying at my house for two weeks). My response was delayed while I considered that I either had to lie and say the acceptable thing, or say, "No, I'm not sad she left". Before I got a single word out, though, she launched into a lecture about how she hoped her daughter-in-law never said such a thing about her. Sigh...

I have a mixture of feelings about friends. Part of me desires no further interaction than what I have with my husband and kids (even that can be too much). But then I really do miss that intellectual connection I've had with close friends.

Interestingly, some of my closest friends have been those from other cultures. I'm drawn to them, possibly because the cultural barrier removes the stress of social expectations.

Having been burned so many times in the past - you know I naively expect everybody else to be tolerant and sincere, too! - makes me extra reticent to put out effort.

 

[HelloDizzy]

I was at a party and people in my state know and dislike me.

 

[Soup]

I don't care if they hate you like the Ebola virus: the second they lay a hand on you they're committing a CRIME. This is terrible, Dizzy. I know you said you were in party mode & getting out ma be good for you, but these people sound like the wrong sorts: dangerous violent people. What condition are you in?

 

[Megan]

I was at a party and people in my state know and dislike me.

That's horrible. Are you going to try to press charges against them?