Listening skills ....

[Sarahlou]

Hi,

I’m new here and looking for some advice please. I have a fiancée with Asperges who is 33 and I’m 34, we’ve been together over 4 years and lived together for over a year now.
In recent months I’ve noticed he doesn’t listen properly. Prime example this evening, I gave him the chicken (3 pieces in the pack) and said please cook this with this cook in the bag sauce and I’ll have one for tea tomorrow night. (As he won’t be home tomorrow so only I need tea). I’ve gone to check how he’s getting on and asked why he’s only put 2 bits of chicken in the bag, he said because you asked me to cook 2 bits and leave one in the fridge for tomorrow.

I said no I gave you the chicken asked you to cook it and i would have one tomorrow night. So I didn’t use them words at all. So he screamed in my face you definitely did say that and then he accuses me of lying.

I know when we have conversations I generally have to be more self explanatory so what I should have said was please cook all 3 bits of chicken We shall have 1 each tonight and tomorrow I’ll have the third as all I’ll have to do is heat it up when I get home.

However, I also didn’t use the words he swears I said. It’s getting to a stage that it’s affecting our relationship because he accuses me of lying about what I’ve said which is rather frustrating. His sister has been around previously when this has happened and when he’s screamed and shouted at me you didn’t say that she’s told him that word for word that is what I said, you’ve just not listened properly. But he still accuses me of lying saying that’s not what I’ve said.

His boss at work is also getting frustrated saying he’s not listening to instructions.

I honestly don’t mind if he says please can you repeare that as I didn’t catch the instructions, but I hate being accused of lying when I know exactly what I’ve said. I’m also tired of fighting about it. Is this an aspi trait or is there an underlying problem we need to consider? I just don’t know why I’ve never noticed this before, but it’s really taking its toll so I need to know what we can do to help each other here.

Any advice is appreciated please. Thank you

 

[Joel's Hear]

It's hard to focus sometimes!

 

[kay]

If you've never noticed it before could it be that he might have developed a problem with his hearing, like hearing loss or impacted earwax?

 

[Theta.G]

Hi

It's not really an aspie thing this is seen often in all relationship types. It usually has to do with the person being stressed out or their mind is focused on something more urgent / important. Like a future marriage for example as hinted at in your post with the word fiance.

 

[Nervous Rex]

To me, this sounds like a typical misunderstanding between two different mindsets. It could be a NT/ND difference, but such misunderstanding also commonly occur between men and women, between adults and children, and between bosses and employees. He interpreted your instructions one way ("You'll have one tomorrow" means "You'll cook and eat one tomorrow, so only cook two now.") where you meant something else ("He should cook them all, and you'll reheat one tomorrow"). Since neither of you thought to clarify this, it seems neither of you realized there could be another interpretation.

Two possible approaches:
1) You may try approaching him with "I feel like we need to learn to communicate better". Do your best to make it a "we" thing, and not just a "him" thing. Be open to discussing different solutions, and show him that you are willing to change just as much as you want him to change.
2) Try modeling the behavior you want him to learn, and see if he picks it up. I have noticed that I often have difficulty communicating, so I frequently rephrase and repeat back what I heard, as a confirmation that I understand. You might start repeating back to him what you understood from him, and see if he picks up the behavior. Note that this implies that you need to be as willing to change as you want him to be.

Neither of these approaches will work if he is defensive, so you will have to be as loving, disarming, and as open as you want him to be.

In the end, here's the difficult truth: The only thing you can change in a relationship is yourself. You cannot change other people. If someone wants to change and is willing to involve you, then you can help. Otherwise, there is nothing you can do but change yourself. When does changing yourself work? When you are caught in a repeated pattern of behavior and changing your part breaks the pattern.

If he doesn't want to change, and if you feel like your changes along won't work, then you have to decide if this is a deal-breaker for you.