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"It always just felt easy. I think that's love."

Discussion in 'Love, Relationships and Dating' started by hatfullofrain, Aug 2, 2020 at 6:42 AM.

  1. hatfullofrain

    hatfullofrain Well-Known Member

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    Disclaimer, I didn't read all of the quotes in the linked article. I had to stop after this one because it made me feel overwhelmingly sad.

    All of my sort of relationships have been draining. I've always felt like I have to be on the ball, try and impress, try and be the best me I can be or I'll get passed over again for someone better.

    No, that's not true, when I was younger, I was just myself with men, but I kept getting overlooked, so I tried to step it up.

    I've never found anyone I actually feel comfortable with and accepted by. I'm almost 40. This here is what I've always wanted.

    And don't you dare tell me I just need to relax. Last guy I went out with was a friend I was relatively comfortable with, but I always felt like something was missing .

    I gave up after the last time I got dumped. I did everything right, or so he said, but he said that at the end of the day, he just didn't have any feelings for me. There's nothing you can do to make someone have any feelings for you. It has to be natural.

    Taken from this article:
    http://huffp.st/1FMGYaE
     
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  2. Judge

    Judge Well-Known Member

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    Romance and relationships have never been easy, at least in my own case.

    Now in my sixties and quite alone.
     
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  3. Thinx

    Thinx Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

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    I don't think it's usually easy, even for NTs, and my feeling is that a significant part of that is due to life being tough, and a further significant part is due to people's levels of attachment security. Autisms yet another extra layer of difficulty, so it's not surprising we so often struggle, or fail to get a good relationship.

    I would say, what we can do, is work on ourselves and our own feelings of worth, and our histories and how others have treated us, and our feelings about things. It's a lot of work, but I have usually found myself in good company in therapy groups, and I gradually became more secure as a person, and better able to understand myself and others and to make allowances for myself and others. That really helps in a one to one relationship.
     
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  4. Fino

    Fino Alex V.I.P Member

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    The quoted material is a single statement made by someone in a good mood. It's like a song on the radio. It doesn't reflect reality.
     
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  5. Aspychata

    Aspychata Serenity waves, beachy vibes

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    Everybody has a different definition of what love means to them. What is love to me may mean nothing to you. Love to me means allowing yourself to be vunerable which is extremely difficult for me to do.
     
  6. Mia

    Mia Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

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    I have few wise words. What I do know after many years of being with someone exclusively, is that it requires a lot of work.

    To keep them going, to help one another, to discuss, to argue, to be content with who you are and not to let the relationship be the sole thing in your life.
     
    Last edited: Aug 2, 2020 at 9:07 PM
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  7. Aspychata

    Aspychata Serenity waves, beachy vibes

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    That's very wise Mia.
     
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  8. Jumpback

    Jumpback Well-Known Member

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    Not something that would have bothered me. My ex-girlfriend has lots of people to do things with and if she wanted me to do this or that she just had to tell me what to do, but still somehow I didn’t take initiative or something. I couldn’t really understand her displeasure, if she wanted me to do something she could just boss me around and tell me what I am supposed to do and I would comply, or if I really didn’t want to do something she could always go with other people.

    I mean I so appreciated all her efforts to find things to do, but I am just not like this. I felt like there must be some value to me just going with her wherever she wanted, but still I guess I was supposed to do something else.
     
  9. unperson

    unperson Well-Known Member

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    Draining yeah, most people are vacuums of selfishness.
     
  10. hatfullofrain

    hatfullofrain Well-Known Member

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    Oh, I meant hanging around a guy and getting to know him in a group. None of them have been my boyfriends. I've never been able to be enough for anyone to want be officially seen with me as their girlfriend. Goodness knows I've tried.

    I'm afraid that wouldn't be enough for me either. I'd like someone to bring something of their own to the relationship.
     
    Last edited: Aug 3, 2020 at 4:01 AM
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  11. hatfullofrain

    hatfullofrain Well-Known Member

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    I took the quote to mean that they actually enjoyed being around their partner without having to be on all the time, not that it takes absolutely no work at all.

    It's how I would describe my relationship with my sister. We get along well enough for it to feel easier than any other relationship. I don't have to make scintillating conversation, I don't have to be on, I don't need to keep checking in. We're just comfortable with each other. We can talk easily. It's not like pulling teeth. I

    not like we don't ever have disagreements or need to find solutions to things, but she's not the drain on my energy that all other humans are and she accepts me for who I am without me needing to put on a charming front.
     
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  12. Aspychata

    Aspychata Serenity waves, beachy vibes

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    l think of how l smile and have a instant great mood when with or thinking of them. Everything feels new again. Every time l see them is a first time again for me.
     
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  13. BenderRodriguez

    BenderRodriguez Active Member

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    I relate to the part you quoted.

    A lot of relationships, both romantic and non-romantic have been draining for me too and that brings sustainability issues. I can't handle interacting with someone that much if I have to mask all the time. Doing it at least to some extent at work is bad enough.

    I don't have to mask around my wife at all, and while we both make allowances for each other it happens rather naturally, not through tense negotiation or fights. That makes it "easy" compared to past relationships.

    I have to mention that I'm the kind of person who strongly believed I'll never get married and was OK with it.
     
    Last edited: Aug 3, 2020 at 12:07 PM
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