Ishooz

[Elemental]

I think I'm ending a six month relationship with my b/f. I say think because we have got to this point of separation before & then we have made up. If he had not been so persistent in texting & phoning my landline previously, I think the break would have held. As it is, he is very persuasive about the good things we have shared & it's hard to disagree about that because sometimes we seem to click in Zen-like mode of unspoken understanding but the negatives are now outweighing the positives & I am finding it more & more difficult to repair myself emotionally each time there is voiced disagreement.

He seemed agitated since Weds when his phone credit ran out & he could no longer "touch base" with it until today; he has / had issues with compulsive surf activity, so if that was an underlying cause of unease, I get it. It's just that he underestimates the extent of the pain that criticism of my AS invokes & I note he is raising his voice in argument to me more frequently. I especially hate this in my home because it makes me really edgy; perhaps even PTSD.

I know that most this stuff is said when he feels angry or stressed at me; I need & ask him to go when that happens. I sometimes feel like my home is being invaded because he acts like he has moved in & would sit around playing on his phone or watching tv or reading electronic catalogues for days except after a couple, some agitation of mine usually arises & then there is a row & he exits. He is not motivated to do anything & is really lethargic then I find it hard to get chores done & become resentful at him. He offers virtually no contribution to anything financial & sometimes I wonder if I am maybe being manipulated.

I disclosed my AS early on; he is non-assessed but evident & did score AS status in an online test recently. We share a lot of the same traits & that is why I find his frequent & persistent criticism of things like my being literal & having no tolerance to bright lights, high volume etc so difficult to understand & to take. This morning, we were dog-sitting at a mutual friend's house & we had slept in separate rooms because he was in a bad mood with me & he came in & announced I had to get up, he was going out & I couldn't stay to continue my disrupted night's sleeping, it felt very unfair & un-necessary & his voice was raised. I was still under a quilt & my hands were really shaking; I showed him because I was shocked & he said it was likely nicotine necessity.

Before we left, he'd changed his mind & said I could stay but I'd already packed my things & just wanted the isolated seclusion of my home. He called in earlier with the dog we were sitting & said he was sorry; I was too. I said it felt like a toxic & dysfunctional relationship & that our six month benchmark which he has been heralding for ages & which fell on Thursday has been marked since the day before by verbal vitriol & criticism of me; except when he ignored me totally at the mutual friend's where we met up to discuss this dog sitting.

My phone is off, I'm too tired for spammed texts & I unplugged the landline. I know that in a few days all this can have blown over & a new positive cycle have begun between us but I feel like I am devaluing myself now, each time we acquiesce.

 

[qwerty]

Are you happy more of the time with them or when you are apart, are you staying in the relationship because you want to or because you feel obliged/ or scared for any reason?
You deserve ALOT better going from what you have said. Maybe if you want to work on this relationship you could consider relationship counselling. My ex wife and I attended some sessions during the later stages of our marriage and found it really useful, we realised our marriage was really held together by the things we never said, and although it was really difficult at times it made us see each other for who we had become and we were no longer happy. We divorced and respected and cared for each other more than we had done for years. I hope you make the decision that will make you the happiest. Good luck

 

[Elemental]

`Thanks Q, I already made my decision before I posted & reading it through now reinforces that. I maybe feel under some pressure from mutual friends who see our (autistic?) similarities & think we click & so encourage persistence with this but I don't think they have the whole view. His parents are really happy about us; a week ago we were there & I told his Mum I thought he was the Best Thing Ever & I genuinely meant that but there are boundaries that have been crossed that are difficult to repair, especially when we talk about this & analyze it & it still gets repeated & I think they will understand too. We both have issues but I'm not equipped to deal with this really.

 

[Elemental]

I think I am happiest when I am at home alone with only my own agenda, yes because it took a lot for me to find this & now I owe it to myself to protect it

 

[Aspergirl4hire]

Elemental, after I reread your post, I remembered a person I felt I could relate to and I did both the "yes he's the best thing ever" and found myself glad to see the end of him less than a month later. He was parasitic, and masked it well by criticizing me for not doing "enough" for us both.

My sneaking suspicion, based on your posts, is that his mom thought you were going to take care of him for her, because he doesn't sound like he takes good care of himself. And, autist or not, people are responsible for their own behavior. Preserving your own safety zone is truly "elemental."

 

[Elemental]

I'm grateful you posted that reinforcement because you are right & for a forty year old guy, he seems / is very reliant on his parents & they acquiesce a lot.

Parasite is a harsh word but that is how it has seemed sometimes & has been said & then I am all the worst things ever for saying it plus I already feel bad for having vocalized it, beforehand.

I know I get unfair criticism & also that some of it does seem very hypocritical.

He doesn't take good care of himself.

I think I am more badly affected by this uneven situation than I admit to myself & if I wrote a list of instances down it would be uncomfortable although maybe productive.

Thank You.