Is Your Partner Autistic?

[CurlyGirl]

Autism was nowhere on the radar when Hubby and I became a couple 17 years ago. In fact, autism didn't become a topic in our home until other family members (on my side) started to be diagnosed, and then began in earnest when I began my personal journey to explore whether I might be. I am almost positive that I am, and even as I approach 70 am considering a formal assessment. At some point during that exploration I began to notice that my Husband was reflected in much of the info I was learning, so I asked him if he thought he might be autistic. Much to my surprise, he said yes. He said he began to suspect he was autistic about a decade ago while watching a movie that had an autistic character, and now fully accepts that he is (not formally diagnosed).

I have had 4 partners in my adult life. The first was abusive (15 years), the second was a compulsive liar and cheater (5 years), the 3rd was emotionally unavailable (10 years!). But during the 17 years Hubby and I have been together, we have never raised our voices at one another, we have never lied to one another, and cheating is simply unthinkable. We don't always agree, but disagreements have rarely been more than a minor speedbump. We don't do big shows of affection, but I have never felt more loved. He makes me feel grounded in my life. It was only in the past few days that I began to wonder if it is our ability to understand and/or appreciate each other's autistic traits that makes this relationship so easy.

Are there others here who have autistic partners? If so, is your relationship super easy?

 

[JayCee]

Yup ...! . we seem to have had similiar experiences,as time has gone by.

 

[Aspychata]

That feeling of being grounded is so true. It can almost switch to codependency in the wrong type of person, so it's a good/bad realization.

 

[Tired]

He is. He asked me not long ago is it a problem that he is autistic, and I really wasn't sure how to answer. Would I wish for my partner to not have sensitivity to sound, light, touch etc, not have a risk of getting a shutdown by just going to the shop, not hyper focusing on things so much that he can't do anything, not having additional comorbidities and just feeling much better in his own body. Yes, I would. Can he magically not become autistic? Of course not. So that question made me cringe inside. I had to answer the truth, because we always strive to not lie to one another. I said that it would have been easier for both me and him if he wasn't, but same would be if i didn't have gender dysphoria and didn't have social anxiety, but we both are the way we are and we fell for one another nonetheless, so it is what it is.
He is going to therapies right now, so with time we will also see are some aspects of his behavior autistic or come from traumas he went through.

Before that for almost a year I had another autistic partner. And before that I had (probably) NT partner who was very emotionally unavailable and with his own skeletons in the closet.

I am happy with my partner at the moment, he says he is happy with me too. Hopefully it will stay like this for as long as we are alive. I want both him and me to enjoy life as much as we can. Together.

 

[Tom]

I think there is potential for better understanding between neurodivergent partners. I'm on the spectrum and my wife of 40 years is very ADHD. We didn't know this at the time we met, just sensed we were different then most people and that became a strong connection point for us.

 

[Ronald Zeeman]

My wife is not getting close to 45 years of marriage. We get along great. 2nd oldest from a family of boys one girl and her 2nd oldest family of girls one boy helps. Both us were raised in nearby rural areas Position in family can be as important as being on spectrum.

 

[CurlyGirl]

Position in family can be as important as being on spectrum.

Tell me more about this. I am the oldest in my family, while Hubby is the youngest. Did I mention that Hubby is 8 years younger than I am?

 

[Judge]

The few girlfriends I had were all NT.

Though none of them or myself at the time was aware that I might be autistic. Too bad, I like to think that *maybe* I might have been able to save one or two of those relationships had I understood who and what I am. Then again, probably not.

 

[Jumpinbare]

No, she's deceased. I really don't think she was autistic though. She was pretty sure I was. It was her idea for me to get a neuropsychological evaluation. I tell people "I'm not crazy, my wife had me tested."

 

[BlackCubeIsI]

Are there others here who have autistic partners? If so, is your relationship super easy?

My first (and only one) boyfriend was autistic. He was even diagnosed. Though it was awful. He wasn't a very good person. It ended when he shared his sex fear and I did the same. I was supportive, but he was nervous and angry because for me it was a fear I will always put first time off. It was a fear because I didn't want it, but he considered it as a danger for his sex and my lie (it wasn't because I wanted to try - I can't promise sex when I have problems with feeling safety and touching). And than he started to punish me with suicide/self harm hints (I knew he was punishing me because he said it a lot of times and didn't want to tell me why he is mad at me).

 

[CurlyGirl]

No, she's deceased. I really don't think she was autistic though. She was pretty sure I was. It was her idea for me to get a neuropsychological evaluation. I tell people "I'm not crazy, my wife had me tested."

I am sorry for your loss.

 

[CurlyGirl]

My first (and only one) boyfriend was autistic. He was even diagnosed. Though it was awful. He wasn't a very good person. It ended when he shared his sex fear and I did the same. I was supportive, but he was nervous and angry because for me it was a fear I will always put first time off. It was a fear because I didn't want it, but he considered it as a danger for his sex and my lie (it wasn't because I wanted to try - I can't promise sex when I have problems with feeling safety and touching). And than he started to punish me with suicide/self harm hints (I knew he was punishing me because he said it a lot of times and didn't want to tell me why he is mad at me).

I long ago came to the conclusion that sometimes two people are simply not meant to be together.

 

[JayCee]

My first (and only one) boyfriend was autistic. He was even diagnosed. Though it was awful. He wasn't a very good person. It ended when he shared his sex fear and I did the same. I was supportive, but he was nervous and angry because for me it was a fear I will always put first time off. It was a fear because I didn't want it, but he considered it as a danger for his sex and my lie (it wasn't because I wanted to try - I can't promise sex when I have problems with feeling safety and touching). And than he started to punish me with suicide/self harm hints (I knew he was punishing me because he said it a lot of times and didn't want to tell me why he is mad at me).

Thats gotta be tough,, am quite sure many Aspies have sex issues, usually from upbringing I figure,My first husbsnd helped me with that very much. He was very understanding .and even had his own issues too. And am so sorry your circumstances did not turn out much better .
Sex was never my strong point . But seemed to get the idea about in my middle twenties, but never engaged in it ,until my later 30s due to my own fears. After he passed on,all but completely celibrate again. But had slowed down in our later years . Either way.. Not particularly missing it .