Is there any chance of an aspie returning from a breakup?

[Artchaser]

I don't want to put everyone in a box but I've heard from many people that when an aspie breaks up with you it's written in stone for them, that their feelings will NOT change no matter what and that they forget you even existed after a few weeks. Is this true? Is there any hope for us in the future? She says she doesn't hate me and have no bad feelings for me, just that she doesn't feel the same way anymore. The breakup was very spontaneous. For now I'm leaving her alone..

 

[Magna]

People with autism are not all the same. So the answer is, it could be true in some cases and it also could not be true in other cases.

 

[Aru]

Autism is like a huge tree and branches, Everyone is different on it, Some people have certain traits which others may not, If someone tells you aspies ALL act in one specific way, then it's false, We are all different, I'm officially diagnosed and i can change my mind on things, but some others may not. =] It comes down to the individual overall

 

[Judge]

I can only sadly point out that this was my experience as well in a relationship with a an NT woman.

I broke us up, which was a terrible mistake on my part. We got back together, yet the experience lingered in a negative way with my girlfriend, and eventually she broke us up and never looked back. Some 33 years later, I still think about her.

But as others have already pointed out, anything can happen. Though I also wouldn't take this to be hopeful.

Yet I also had an uncle and aunt who got married, later divorced and two years after that remarried. Go figure.

 

[Giraffes]

My ex and i broke up in March, he moved out and as time passed we both have missed each others connection and company and are trying to be friends, moving from a romantic involvement to a contact based on common interests, regard and respect, it's a shaky journey whose success i feel is based on each of us working on accepting each others 'way of being' (we both are N/D) watch this space!

 

[Artchaser]

My ex and i broke up in March, he moved out and as time passed we both have missed each others connection and company and are trying to be friends, moving from a romantic involvement to a contact based on common interests, regard and respect, it's a shaky journey whose success i feel is based on each of us working on accepting each others 'way of being' (we both are N/D) watch this space!

Are you planning on being in a romantic relationship?

 

[All-Rounder]

Exes can rekindle like they've never broken up, from what I read. This was my experience many times. I have learned there are good reasons why people break up and rekindling is not a good idea and it won't fix things, it may cause more issues. I have learned I was weak and gave in to feelings returning to relationships that were wrong for me.

I encourage you to move on, and cut ties until you are properly moved on from her. Respect her decision and see it is not the right relationship for her, and probably not for you either. You will both be so happy, just give it more time for your lovesickness to fade.

 

[Tom]

You can't believe everything you read written in stone.

 

[Au Naturel]

Anything you have "heard from many people" about Aspie life is probably either outright false or a gross oversimplification. Aspies are as diverse as the NT population about relationship dynamics. I am an Aspie and it is not true of me therefor the statement that "their feelings will NOT change no matter what and that they forget you even existed after a few weeks" is bull puckey. I still fondly remember people I loved 4-5 decades ago and if I weren't married I'd be willing to see them romantically again.

A lot depends on how painful the breakup was, how big the division was, and if enough time has passed to think about what went wrong. Not everyone thinks about how they contributed to a breakup. It is always feels like the "other person's" fault.

 

[menander]

Agree with @Au Naturel Too often people say things about ASD that are not true at all. That happens with all marginalized groups. People just make stuff up. But I am glad you came to ask and not just believe it!

 

[Thinx]

I'm definitely not like that, I have mourned for years after a breakup, but also other times been certain it was best. Or both.

With respect, in your other thread you did refer to some differences and difficulties between you both that you hadn't resolved or hadn't realised were big issues, it maybe that she feels the relationship wasn't working well enough. It's probably more about that, than whether she's an Aspie.

 

[Giraffes]

Are you planning on being in a romantic relationship?

No idea ATM

 

[Fino]

I've gone back to someone once.

 

[grommet]

I don't want to put everyone in a box but I've heard from many people that when an aspie breaks up with you it's written in stone for them, that their feelings will NOT change no matter what and that they forget you even existed after a few weeks. Is this true? Is there any hope for us in the future? She says she doesn't hate me and have no bad feelings for me, just that she doesn't feel the same way anymore. The breakup was very spontaneous. For now I'm leaving her alone..

My ex GF and I broke up and got back together several times in the eight years we were together. I miss her very much and if she felt the same way and could change some of her behavior I would want her back. We are both autistic.

 

[Bolletje]

There’s just no way to answer your question because there’s no Aspie manual.

 

[Aspychata]

There’s just no way to answer your question because there’s no Aspie manual.

This is the best answer here. There is no answer otherwise there would be a manual on NT and breakups or get back together stuff.

 

[unperson]

I used to be very B&W about breakups when young, with age things are not so clear. Do what is best for you.

 

[zozie]

I'll chime in briefly.

I tend to be one who leaves forever, but I also tend to be one who doesn't know my feelings right away. This has led to problems from the beginning that I could not quite identify, just an unsettled feeling.

Additionally, it's often difficult for me to express how I'm feeling and this makes me personally feel on shaky ground. So the uncertainty builds until it's no longer underneath the surface. Consequently, once I finally figure out what I'm feeling and my ground is steady, that's it. That's the "spontaneous" quality you mention. For me, it isn't spontaneous--it's just not immediately apparent. And I insist to myself that dedication and understanding will solve any relationship problem, which means that I often ignore that unsettled feeling to the detriment of everyone.

Makes relationships a minefield, at least for me.

The few partners I have been with have ranged from manipulative jerks to loving and supportive, so it's not just an unfortunate choice of partner. Also, breaking up causes me great pain, which I am also not able to really show. I've been called "cold" and "callous" in the past.

For myself, I have shelved relationships for the time being until I know my feelings more immediately, and until I can express those feelings in the moment. Until then, as painful as it may seem, the most compassionate move I can think of is to walk away. And I need lots of space to process the ordeal.

I agree that we're all different, but I hope this helps.

 

[Thinx]

I'll chime in briefly.


For myself, I have shelved relationships for the time being until I know my feelings more immediately, and until I can express those feelings in the moment. Until then, as painful as it may seem, the most compassionate move I can think of is to walk away. And I need lots of space to process the ordeal.

In my experience, slow processing of emotions doesn't change. If you want to know what I feel about something, ask me tomorrow. Or next week. Or sometime next year. It varies according to the issues, but having done one heck of a lot of therapy, I would say this seems to be part of what's different in my brain.

To be honest, it actually doesn't bother me all that much, I ll get there, but I think that whilst the idea of accessing and expressing emotions in the moment may be a psychological development issue that can be attained by many or most neurotypical people, this isn't probably the case for autistic slow processing, which is likely due to a neurological difference. For this type of effect of autism we need to develop strategies, rather than try to change it, I would say. For example, make our partner aware that this happens.

 

[Moonhart44]

I am pretty much committed to the person unless otherwise stated (meaning i tell them in a blatant manner we are not in a serious relationship). Things for me that end relationships are cheating or not being taken seriously in the relationship as a partner (while leading me on). I know there are a couple men who would take me back but i have no interest. I dont think its related to autism.