Is my friend avoiding me?

[NB79]

I would not call her again, at least for a long while, its obvious she doesn't want to talk much right?

 

[Tony Ramirez]

I had a friend well maybe an acquaintance but still I chatted with her using WhatsApp that I knew her from life group but got to talk to her more during a course which was shut down because of the pandemic.

Since I could not talk to her in person I message her a bit too much which she got annoyed so I message her late and she would get back to me late. I did meet her at the park the first time I could not talk to her but the second time at the terrible Covid rules meet up I talked to her and caught up. I have not messaged her since August.

 

[Judge]

Not me. I just can’t keep doing that. It’s just demoralizing.

True. All too often we are prone to ruminate and dwell on a worst-case scenario.

It's who we are, and what so many of us do.

 

[Aspychata]

Friendships are fluid, they change, move forward, move backward. Think it's difficult to navigate when we are unsure of what is our status. Just outright ask if still friends. Then you open up communication between you. To be in limbo is tough because l think we tend to think black and white about certain things but friendships fall into 78 shades of white.

 

[Judge]

Friendships are fluid, they change, move forward, move backward. Think it's difficult to navigate when we are unsure of what is our status. Just outright ask if still friends. Then you open up communication between you. To be in limbo is tough because l think we tend to think black white about certain things but friendships fall into 78 shades of white.

Yep. Compounded as friendships sustained primarily only on an online basis. Where communication can at times seem like an unwanted mystery. Something I once dealt with for a few years until my friend simply became noticeably apathetic in communicating with me by email, snail-mail or the phone.

When a few years later I came to the conclusion that I had been "catfished". Someone who likely used their real name and relative location, but little else when it came to explaining who they actually were. I mean, if you're pursuing a friendly and eventually romantic relationship with someone it might be helpful to explain when they got married to someone else. Not really a minor detail under the circumstances.

 

[Owliet]

I would not call her again, at least for a long while, its obvious she doesn't want to talk much right?

I think it’s for the best that I don’t and just leave it to her. I’ve deleted the discord app for the time being, I only got it because she wanted me to get it as it would be easier to chat on there. Now, there’s not much point plus I remove myself from the need to check just in case she’s responded. I can always get it back up later on but not right now.

True. All too often we are prone to ruminate and dwell on a worst-case scenario.

It's who we are, and what so many of us do.

I seem to do that in all aspects much more lately...

Friendships are fluid, they change, move forward, move backward. Think it's difficult to navigate when we are unsure of what is our status. Just outright ask if still friends. Then you open up communication between you. To be in limbo is tough because l think we tend to think black white about certain things but friendships fall into 78 shades of white.

That’s another reason why I posted in the first place. I do feel extremely unsure. I know that if I make the decision to say to her that friendship is over because of the lack of Continuing communication...if as my dad and @Judge mentioned about Covid and it’s effects on people, then I’d have made a big mistake that would never be fixed. So I’d probably lose friendship there. Then, I have my current perception and it’s not looking like a good friendship there either. Although in that regard, it would be nice to be told why...especially if and when I make a new friend (ha ha) that I won’t make the same perceived mistakes. I really feel like I’m in limbo. It’s not a nice place to be in.
It’s not the first time I’ve wished that there was a friendship manual or something about dealing with people.

 

[NB79]

I'd try to approach it all in this way. That sometimes we have to give NTs the same amount of space that we might require after a meltdown or shutdown. I think it's reasonable to assume that at times some of them may well have similar ways of reacting or dealing with various forms of stress. Agreed, it is on her. So give it time, and see what happens.

Hopefully at some point your friend will reach out to you again.

People don't ignores a 'good friend' though, they may tell you they have issues, but just ignoring? thats rude.

 

[Judge]

People don't ignores a 'good friend' though, they may tell you they have issues, but just ignoring? thats rude.

How often are people rude to others if and when they are particularly upset about something they choose not to share with anyone? More often than you'd think whether a friend or a relative. It happens, whether you forgive them or not.

We're all capable of shutting down, for any reason. Whether it's considered by others to be rude or not.

 

[NB79]

How often are people rude to others if and when they are particularly upset about something they choose not to share with anyone? More often than you'd think whether a friend or a relative. It happens, whether you forgive them or not.

I don't know ignoring repeatedly someone is a 'red flag' it means they don't care to give you evern hour of the day. They maybe are upset, but, i don't know time will tell in this situation i guess.

 

[Judge]

I don't know ignoring someone is a 'red flag' it means they don't care to give you evern hour of the day.

If you don't absolutely know what motivates someone to do as such, I don't believe you can claim it to be a "red flag" as such. Especially if and when they begin reaching out again to people on their own terms.

Not much differently than an Aspie having a meltdown or a shutdown. When the last thing many of us want is to interact with another human being, no matter how helpful their intent may seem at the time.

Where rude or not, we come out of the fog on our terms- not theirs.

 

[NB79]

If you don't absolutely know what motivates someone to do as such, I don't believe you can claim it to be a "red flag" as such. Especially if and when they begin reaching out again to people on their own terms.

Not much differently than an Aspie having a meltdown or a shutdown. When the last thing many of us want is to interact with another human being, no matter how helpful their intent may seem at the time.

If you were important to them, they would attend to your needs a bit in my view, if not, you can get more attention from phone customer support or something.

I think we people with autism don't know how to value ourselves much or i don't know.

 

[Owliet]

People don't ignores a 'good friend' though, they may tell you they have issues, but just ignoring? thats rude.

In the past she has told me when she does need space or if she won’t be available. This is pre covid. Even at university, when the friendship was less online and more in person on a daily basis, when she was not available, it would be the same. I’ve also done the same, letting her know if I’m having a mental health blip.
It’s always been a pretty open friendship from the start. Primarily it was done by me to ensure that if I hurt her in some way via my aspieness that I could be alerted to it to fix it and not do anything again. Not that there have been many cases but after being burnt by people before I thought it was better that way.

I mean the last message I did send to her before the Christmas one was an apology if I had been to overburdening and that I was on anti depressants, doing much better (ironically I was at the time doing much better) and it would be nice to talk more because I was worried that I hadn’t heard from her since early November. And my previous message was regarding video games that we had talked about back in July when they were showcased at gamescom and were released/had Yet Soon been released. Granted the previous one before that was me complaining about how moms health had been bad and needs another operation soon, job rejection woes again, of not being good enough, cat health, General anxiety and depression, waiting for a doctor appointment and had lost my psychologist due to her weird 8 week constant program at 120 that wasn’t covered on my medical insurance. No other response except her concerns for her cat and how she was planning to enjoy playing Valhalla when it was released. Guess I over shared too much.


But saying that and I’m just looking to see what the problem was...and maybe even if I can’t see it doesn’t mean that it wasn’t burdensome. But then I’m going in circles and over analyzing it again. I’m just saddened that I thought it was quite an open And honest friendship ...but it doesn’t seem like it is...and yes, covid could be a factor but honestly, it would be really nice if she could just say “I need some space “ because she’s never had that issue before. And I’ve always respected that. It’s Left me feeling like I’m in limbo and I don’t know if she’s sick or dead with covid (another dad suggestion), or if I’ve been iced out for any reason.


I’ll give her the time she wants. Or is implying she wants. She can make first contact. I’ll probably not check again until maybe in 6 months. Because that’s more or less how long it has been with the sparse communications.

 

[NB79]

In the past she has told me when she does need space or if she won’t be available. This is pre covid. Even at university, when the friendship was less online and more in person on a daily basis, when she was not available, it would be the same. I’ve also done the same, letting her know if I’m having a mental health blip.
It’s always been a pretty open friendship from the start. Primarily it was done by me to ensure that if I hurt her in some way via my aspieness that I could be alerted to it to fix it and not do anything again. Not that there have been many cases but after being burnt by people before I thought it was better that way.

I mean the last message I did send to her before the Christmas one was an apology if I had been to overburdening and that I was on anti depressants, doing much better (ironically I was at the time doing much better) and it would be nice to talk more because I was worried that I hadn’t heard from her since early November. And my previous message was regarding video games that we had talked about back in July when they were showcased at gamescom and were released/had Yet Soon been released. Granted the previous one before that was me complaining about how moms health had been bad and needs another operation soon, job rejection woes again, of not being good enough, cat health, General anxiety and depression, waiting for a doctor appointment and had lost my psychologist due to her weird 8 week constant program at 120 that wasn’t covered on my medical insurance. No other response except her concerns for her cat and how she was planning to enjoy playing Valhalla when it was released. Guess I over shared too much.


But saying that and I’m just looking to see what the problem was...and maybe even if I can’t see it doesn’t mean that it wasn’t burdensome. But then I’m going in circles and over analyzing it again. I’m just saddened that I thought it was quite an open And honest friendship ...but it doesn’t seem like it is...and yes, covid could be a factor but honestly, it would be really nice if she could just say “I need some space “ because she’s never had that issue before. And I’ve always respected that. It’s Left me feeling like I’m in limbo and I don’t know if she’s sick or dead with covid (another dad suggestion), or if I’ve been iced out for any reason.


I’ll give her the time she wants. Or is implying she wants. She can make first contact. I’ll probably not check again until maybe in 6 months. Because that’s more or less how long it has been with the sparse communications.

You shouldn't beat yourself much, its autism fault probably.
She should call again if she is interested.

 

[Owliet]

You shouldn't beat yourself much, its autism fault probably.
She should call again if she is interested.

that’s easy to say and less to do. I try so hard to fit in and not be too ASD that any time I fail at something normal, it just feels like I’m back to square one and I’m tired of trying to overcome obstacles that don’t seem to want to shift.

 

[All-Rounder]

It sounds like my common obsessions and interests with humans and they can become addicting and codependent.

The only healthy thing I have read that I could do is to focus on responsive people, people who give back the energy you invest. I know it hurts but some [many] people who come into people's lives will stop giving as they talked big they could and fade away.

 

[Owliet]

It sounds like my common obsessions and interests with humans and they can become addicting and codependent.

The only healthy thing I have read that I could do is to focus on responsive people, people who give back the energy you invest. I know it hurts but some [many] people who come into people's lives will stop giving as they talked big they could and fade away.

Trouble is how can you tell who are the genuinely responsive friends? I always seem to think I’ve found that one friend, and then something happens for me to discover that they aren’t.

 

[Good Soul]

Owliet: I am passing exactly through what you have passed. Just that I am an over sensitive being and the other part an Aspie. I recognize I made the mistake of unloading things onto my colleague, b/c he opened the door to that, and I just talked about myself, while asking him to talk about himself, but he refused. I opened space for him, but HE REFUSED...
I should not have told him about any of my issues...He got tired of me and has ignored my E-mails for quite a while.
Given I am very sensitive I created a co-dependency, and now I am suffering like hell.
Why did he opened the door to me in such a magnitude? That I could can talk about anything? On the "wave", I burdened him emotionally and physically. I was new to the world of Aspergers...I did not know!!!! I tried and tried, but cannot go back.
I wish I could have known the future. It is a no return case. My lesson: You cannot count on anyone for your problems: Hire a Health Provider. IN the mean time, I am suffering like hell and only God knows what he is thinking about me. I am not NT at all, but very sensitive.