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Is he stringing me along or changing mind about feelings not unusual?

M

margotk

Active Member
Hello and thank you for letting me join! I came here looking for an answer and I would appreciate any feedback. I know that every person is different, but I am just so confused and I hope you can help me.

I have been seeing a HFA guy for 14 months on and off, we are in mid-30s. He told me on Friday he loves me, wants to be with me and that I am his weakness and to tell him when I am ready to be his girlfriend again (we were broken up, but still seeing each other like a couple, trying to rebuild). I implied that we should see how it goes.

On Tuesday he wrote me that he is busy and has to be very focused about every step he takes from now on; that he will always have me in his heart and I helped him a lot and loved him too much, but he is confused and lost and don't want me to suffer. He told me to let him go, for a while, until he clear his mind, feelings and destination (he is currently applying for a job in a different city).

He got divorced a few months ago but he was separated for more then 2 years and had two girlfriends before me. He told me that his divorce was hard on him, which I of course understand. I don't understand his behaviour though because it was him that contacted me after 3 weeks of silence, talking about love and now this? I am super confused...he told me it is not goodbye. I do not know if he is toying with me?

Sometimes I feel like he truly loves me but tries not to go there. Sometimes like he is using me. Could you give me your perspective if he tries to tell me to disappear from his life or is he hurt that I did not want to go back to him straight away? Or something else?

I appreciate any feedback.
 
He doesn't sound like a good bet if you want someone reliable. Maybe get a puppy or a rescue dog, and wait till you feel ready to look for someone else?
 
Firstly Welcome to the Forums @margotk

One question about your friend. How good is he at knowing what he is feeling. Does he have a good handle on that? Can he identify what he is feeling and verbalise it?

I am not denying the validity of the previous responses to your post, for they also are valid; and this is all very subjective. I am not very good at knowing what I feel, and worse at being able to put into words what I feel. For me this has led me to look at something called alexithymia which fits me quite well and I am using that as a description of how I am.

I suppose what I am saying, is he not sure of what he feels, and he needs time to work that out for himself?
(I know that is tough on you, but then @GadAbout's response comes in).
 
Uhm its so hard sometimes for me to remember that this is a PG13 site, I will keep it civilised. No cursing, etc. I dont really ever want to put a lover on hold unless there is a problem in relations. Or i learn things about them that make me not want to associate. I think that dude sounds shaky. The right one, thier feelings dont flop about like a fish on the dock, its more steady trends. There should be an ease of association by now.
Did you do the " what i want in a partner" exercise yet?
 
When I've experienced the 'loves me/loves me not' thing with guys, it meant there's someone else and she wasn't available at the time, so needing attention and a kind of narcissistic source he'd return for a 'feed' of 'lerv' from an available source. This was not an autistic guy tho.

He doesn't seem to have problems finding girlfriends (bit unusual for autistic guys) so I would suspect you're being 'queued'.
 
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If he's on the spectrum and still trying to find himself them leave him alone. Once he's accepted who he is then you have a chance. You'll get nowhere until he finds himself though.
 
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I don't know if he's deliberately toying with you, but he's certainly not a good prospect for a relationship. He *may* be deliberately toying with you, or it may be accidental (contrary to popular belief, Autistic people are capable of being intentionally manipulative, abusive, etc.) Either way, though, what he's doing is not good for a relationship and you should not accept it from a romantic partner, or even a friend for that matter.
 
I am not sure of his motivations or intentions, but he does not seem to be acting in a particular way that would suggest this is a person that can have a stable relationship. Let him sort out his life. I would continue to pursue yours.
 
margotk said:
I don't understand his behaviour though because it was him that contacted me after 3 weeks of silence, talking about love and now this? I am super confused...he told me it is not goodbye. I do not know if he is toying with me?
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Welcome to the wonderful world of autism. Where while at times we may wear our heart on our sleeve, it doesn't negate the reality that we may run quite hot or cold romantically or sexually speaking. Where one can never forget our inherent need for periods of solitude that may be long or short, depending on how much stress we may have in our lives. It's how we recover and energize ourselves.

And whether or not you can maintain the ability not to mind. Above all, to try your best not to take it personally. That such behavior is most likely about us- and not about you.

Take heart in that relationships with autistic people are not for everyone. That at times it may prove to be emotionally taxing for you. And that if you aren't up to the task, that's ok too.
 
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His divorce couldn't have been too hard on him seeing he managed to fit in 3 girlfriends while still married. :rolleyes:
 
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Judge said:
Welcome to the wonderful world of autism. Where while at times we may wear our heart on our sleeve, it doesn't negate the reality that we may run quite hot or cold romantically or sexually speaking. Where one can never forget our inherent need for periods of solitude that may be long or short, depending on how much stress we may have in our lives. It's how we recover and energize ourselves.

And whether or not you can maintain the ability not to mind. Above all, to try your best not to take it personally. That such behavior is most likely about us- and not about you.

Take heart in that relationships with autistic people are not for everyone. That at times it may prove to be emotionally taxing for you. And that if you aren't up to the task, that's ok too.
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Beautiful advice, thanks.
 
Anybody remember that book, he's just not into you or whatever? Our title would be "we aren't into anything which includes you" :"but leave a msg after the beep and we may think about it."
 
GadAbout said:
Objective feedback is of no use here. The only issue is, "how willing are you to put up with this?"
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I did not want to be a person who just gives up on him. I was ok with being just friends and he pushed for more. I have never been in such a situation before. But I am super fed up with it.
 
Alexej said:
Firstly Welcome to the Forums @margotk

One question about your friend. How good is he at knowing what he is feeling. Does he have a good handle on that? Can he identify what he is feeling and verbalise it?

I am not denying the validity of the previous responses to your post, for they also are valid; and this is all very subjective. I am not very good at knowing what I feel, and worse at being able to put into words what I feel. For me this has led me to look at something called alexithymia which fits me quite well and I am using that as a description of how I am.

I suppose what I am saying, is he not sure of what he feels, and he needs time to work that out for himself?
(I know that is tough on you, but then @GadAbout's response comes in).
Click to expand...

Thank you for the welcome, I really appreciate it:) He is good at verbalizing and when we are together he is very caring, loving, more affectionate than I am sometimes, and also jealous (for no reason). But his mood changes on a dime, not just with me. He can have contradictory opinions about the same topic/person within days/hours. For me it seems like he always needs to retreat or act aloof when he opens up (when he suggested we move in together, said that he loved me, wants to be with me etc.). Like he can't lose (or rather -what he considers loosing e.g. that I am not jumping at the idea to come back together without working through communication issues). I will of course give him plenty of space, I am not going to contact him, but I am not the one initiating meetings/convos for the last few months, he is.
 
Skittlebisquit said:
Uhm its so hard sometimes for me to remember that this is a PG13 site, I will keep it civilised. No cursing, etc. I dont really ever want to put a lover on hold unless there is a problem in relations. Or i learn things about them that make me not want to associate. I think that dude sounds shaky. The right one, thier feelings dont flop about like a fish on the dock, its more steady trends. There should be an ease of association by now.
Did you do the " what i want in a partner" exercise yet?
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No, we didn't. I was fine with giving him space to work on him and just be a friend to him, nothing more. He pushed for more every time and then retract. I guess I know that we can't be together now or maybe ever, but I have to decide if he should even have any access to my life, because, as past shows, he always reaches out sooner or later and is mad that I am not writing him/keeping in touch. But for sure he wants me but only on his rules. The problem is they seem to change constantly. And he still claims that I have no idea how much he respects. That's why I am seeking answers on this forum because maybe I do not understand his communication properly and do not want to be too quick to judge. But from your responses I can see that maybe I am giving him too much of myself.
 
margotk said:
I did not want to be a person who just gives up on him. I was ok with being just friends and he pushed for more. I have never been in such a situation before. But I am super fed up with it.
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"Not wanting to he a person who gives up on him" can get you in a world of trouble. His behavior - and your lack of a desire to put up with it - is not a reflection on you. No one owes tolerance of toxic behavior to another.

You can move on with your life without guilt. All of this is on him.

margotk said:
Thank you for the welcome, I really appreciate it:) He is good at verbalizing and when we are together he is very caring, loving, more affectionate than I am sometimes, and also jealous (for no reason). But his mood changes on a dime, not just with me. He can have contradictory opinions about the same topic/person within days/hours. For me it seems like he always needs to retreat or act aloof when he opens up (when he suggested we move in together, said that he loved me, wants to be with me etc.). Like he can't lose (or rather -what he considers loosing e.g. that I am not jumping at the idea to come back together without working through communication issues). I will of course give him plenty of space, I am not going to contact him, but I am not the one initiating meetings/convos for the last few months, he is.
Click to expand...

There are a lot of red flags here.
 
SDRSpark said:
"Not wanting to he a person who gives up on him" can get you in a world of trouble. His behavior - and your lack of a desire to put up with it - is not a reflection on you. No one owes tolerance of toxic behavior to another.

You can move on with your life without guilt. All of this is on him.



There are a lot of red flags here.
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Thank you for validating me that I can see this behaviour as toxic and I am not crazy. That means a lot.
 
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