Is "Ghosting" common with someone with Aspergers?

[Maelstrom]

I'm hopeful for you too.

Bake something he really loves and go have a sweet talk with him keep it light let him do most of the talking and eating... good luck! softly! softly!

 

[Strong and kind]

Sorry, my original post is gone somehow, but here it is again...

Hi,
I'm new here, an NT in an unusual relationship with someone who I strongly suspect is an Aspie male. We met on an online dating site, and have been emailing back and forth for 9 months. The emails are normally once a week. This seems to be what he's comfortable with, and although that may seem infrequent, the emails are very long, and we have talked about almost everything imaginable, including a lot of extremely intimate details in both of our lives. He lives a long distance away, and I recently told him I was thinking of visiting him, which he seemed very happy to hear. I gave him time to think things over, and plently of opportunity to tell me if he wasn't okay with me visiting, but he assured me it was fine, and offered for me to stay with him while I'm there instead of a hotel, which was very thoughtful. He has always been thoughtful and respectful, and we have so much in common that we have become really close as friends. Even though we met on a dating site, he hasn't made any real attempt at taking things to another level. We have flirted, and gone on several "email dates", but that's all. So, I'm thinking that's where things will stay between us, unless he gives me some indication while I'm there that he's interested in me romantically. I would be interested if he is, but I don't want to push it; if friends is all he wants, I'm happy with that, too. He has become very important to me, and I view our "relationship" as special, but not necessarily needing to define it in any way.
Some of the reasons I believe he is an Aspie, though he has never said that he is: Early on, he made a joke about Aspies - nothing horrible, but in retrospect I think he was trying to get an idea of how I felt about autism and Aspies in particular. I didn't know this, so I laughed at his minor joke, although like I said, it was nothing horrible, and I'm not judgmental of anyone's situation in life. He often talks about autism and Aspergers as though he has intimate knowledge of ASD, he has an eidetic memory, he has special interests that he can get really obsessed with, to the exclusion of all else at times, he can often come across as shy, he is extremely intelligent in his special interest areas, he seems to lack an understanding of what's socially appropriate in terms of "dating", meaning that he is still on the same dating site, but he seems to think it's acceptable to meet "friends" there, and depending on his mood, he may ignore things important to most NT women, like how quickly he answers an email about something important to her emotionally, but he will immediately answer anything involving special interests. We also have never spoken on the phone. This may be due to the distance between us because it can be costly, but I get the impression he is uncomfortable with the idea of actually speaking to me. He can be vague and evasive when asking him about his feelings, and will often ignore displays of afftection or questions about emotions if we have already talked about it before. He has mentioned feeling "prickly" in social situations, too.
The reason for the long background, is that we have been emailing about the upcoming visit, and talking about things we'd like to do, and he seems quite involved in all that, but at the same time, he appears to be less and less interested in talking to me. The emails are closer to two weeks apart now, and we had a discussion about this because I got a bit concerned about him or that I might have said something wrong. He said I hadn't and that everything was fine, was very apologetic about taking so long to answer me, saying he had been busy. I apologized too for getting worried over nothing, and told him everything was fine, but now, the same thing is happening all over again, where it's been 10 days and no word from him other than liking something on my facebook page related to his special interest. He did give me his phone number when I booked the trip so I could text him if I needed to reach him quickly, but I feel a bit awkward about using it. I'm getting the idea that maybe he has lost interest in me, and that he may be about to ghost me if he hasn't already done so. What's confusing is his last email was wonderfully sweet, as usual. I don't really understand why the shift in his attention, especially now, when the trip is so close. I'm afraid that he's decided he doesn't want me to visit. And, I also don't feel right emailing him and asking right now, because I feel like I would be bothering him if I did.
So, I care deeply for this man, but being an NT, I am totally confused, and afraid that he may be disappearing, and afraid too, that whatever steps I take next may make the situation worse instead of better.
If anyone has any insight or helpful advice for me, I would greatly appreciate it, since right now, I really don't know what to think or how to feel. Thanks. :?

Thank you so much for your comments and your insight. I'm really sorry that you went through that with your ex.

I'm hoping it hasn't come to that with my Aspie friend, since I really care about him. I only ever want the best for him, so I will try to understand him better and be a better friend to him if I can. Ultimately though, I will respect his wishes, whatever he decides.

 

[SNT]

Bake something he really loves and go have a sweet talk with him keep it light let him do most of the talking and eating... good luck! softly! softly!

He does have a sweet tooth! Thank you. I'll do my best.

 

[Strong and kind]

That sounds wise and the only way to find out if he is capable at this point in time to meet you face to face or not. Like someone else suggested, be gentle. And literal. If he cannot respond or go through with your plans, don't blame yourself. Take care of yourself and turn the compassion and understanding you already seem to have plenty of toward yourself.

The people on this forum have been so generous to me in sharing their insights and experiences. I have learned so much that I'm grateful for.

I really hope you get the clarity you need. Take care.

 

[SNT]

That sounds wise and the only way to find out if he is capable at this point in time to meet you face to face or not. Like someone else suggested, be gentle. And literal. If he cannot respond or go through with your plans, don't blame yourself. Take care of yourself and turn the compassion and understanding you already seem to have plenty of toward yourself.

The people on this forum have been so generous to me in sharing their insights and experiences. I have learned so much that I'm grateful for.

I really hope you get the clarity you need. Take care.

Again, thank you so much! I have learned so much from this post today, and everyone here has been wonderful. I'm feeling much better about the situation now, and hopeful that we can work it out.

 

[Kirsty]

My little aspie princess friend is Ghosting me presently!
No real reason other than I liked her too much too soon I guess?
I miss her!
-------------------------------------
I hate to say it but I have ghosted people I guess in the past...it was not a intentional thing just couldn't handle stuff and bailed....Sigh!

This is the one Autism thing that really hurts!

That was the reason why she ghosted me. She said she loves me so much that she didn't know how to handle it.

 

[S-Head]

I didn't know what "ghosting" meant.

Dictionary.com defines ghosting as
“the practice of suddenly ending all contact with a person
without explanation, especially in a romantic relationship.”
Ghosting | Dictionary.com Blog

Yes this I knew, and I have done. I attribute it the Aspie habit of taking things literally and treating it as black and white. So in other words, I've decided to not hang out with someone any more (or my partner asked me not to) and so I just cut them off completely, instead of giving them a little grey area.

 

[Streetwise]

one tthing have you given him a definite time of meeting
if you HAVENT tell him you just DONT know an exact time
we rely on definite!!! if it !!!!!!changes!!!anxiety theres no way to make what we cant control comfortable

Thank you so much for your reply! That's why I asked, because the last thing I want to do is make things harder for him. So I should just be patient, and wait for him to get back to me? I am very willing to try to learn his language, and just hoping that he will give me the chance.

 

[SNT]

one tthing have you given him a definite time of meeting
if you HAVENT tell him you just DONT know an exact time
we rely on definite!!! if it !!!!!!changes!!!anxiety theres no way to make what we cant control comfortable

I've given him the definite date, but I haven't texted him the time yet. Would that be helpful?

 

[pandora]

Thanks. Yes, that's true. I guess my question was if it was common for male Aspies to Ghost after 9 months of being really close to someone. It just seems really out of character for him, but he also seems stressed lately, so I'm trying to understand him better.

My ex is a self-diagnosed aspie. He ghosted me several times. Just stops the daily texting routines between us that have been in place for weeks or months with no explanation. He did it again a week ago after renewing communication.
Again.
I feel like such a fool for putting up with it.

 

[Judge]

To me "ghosting" is for keeps. When one abruptly cuts off all communication and on a permanent basis. When you turn your back on someone and never look back. So if they resume communication, that's not really ghosting. But it's NTs who seem to require frequent and consistent communication. Even if or when there's really nothing to be said.

People on the spectrum? Not so much.

When I have something to say, I'll say it. Equally if I have nothing to say, why would I be compelled to fill the air with empty words?

For us, this isn't a complex issue.

 

[SNT]

To me "ghosting" is for keeps. When one abruptly cuts off all communication and on a permanent basis.

So if they resume communication, that's not really ghosting. But it's NTs who seem to require frequent and consistent communication.

People on the spectrum? Not so much.

Yes, that's what I'm coming to understand so much better now. Thank you. I need to be more patient, and not take his silence as an indication that he doesn't want to talk to me.

 

[SomeRandomAspie]

he cant communicate mature feelings by words we do it by actions
we are like young infants and female ASPIES autists are different from male ASPIES we are much more like an nt
some nt women have described having children and an aspie husband as having two babies you have to learn our language we are continually shattered from translating yours

I agree with that however I disagree with the part that says "we are continually shattered from translating yours". It may be harder to communicate but I know many aspies (including myself) who use their intelligence to analyze and respond appropriately to NT's.

 

[Judge]

Yes, that's what I'm coming to understand so much better now. Thank you. I need to be more patient, and not take his silence as an indication that he doesn't want to talk to me.

First rule of a "mixed" relationship. Don't default to internalizing it all.

In other words, it's more likely that it isn't that he doesn't want to talk to you in particular, but rather that he simply doesn't want to talk at all. To not take this personally.

That's the fastest way to unravel a relationship with someone on the spectrum. To assume their words or actions are a personally directed towards you, when they really aren't.

 

[SNT]

My ex is a self-diagnosed aspie. He ghosted me several times. Just stops the daily texting routines between us that have been in place for weeks or months with no explanation. He did it again a week ago after renewing communication.
Again.
I feel like such a fool for putting up with it.

I understand, and I'm sorry that you're feeling that way. Hopefully, you will reach a place somewhere in the middle, where communication works for both of you.

 

[SNT]

First rule of a "mixed" relationship. Don't default to internalizing it all.

In other words, it's more likely that it isn't that he doesn't want to talk to you in particular, but rather that he simply doesn't want to talk at all. To not take this personally.

That's the fastest way to unravel a relationship with someone on the spectrum. To assume their words or actions are a personally directed towards you, when they really aren't.

I'm learning, thanks to you.

 

[Streetwise]

I agree with that however I disagree with the part that says "we are continually shattered from translating yours". It may be harder to communicate but I know many aspies (including myself) who use their intelligence to analyze and respond appropriately to NT's.

but what you have experienced is not what every aspie has experienced and the vast majority are extremely stressed by communication

 

[SNT]

To me "ghosting" is for keeps. When one abruptly cuts off all communication and on a permanent basis. When you turn your back on someone and never look back. So if they resume communication, that's not really ghosting. But it's NTs who seem to require frequent and consistent communication. Even if or when there's really nothing to be said.

People on the spectrum? Not so much.

When I have something to say, I'll say it. Equally if I have nothing to say, why would I be compelled to fill the air with empty words?

For us, this isn't a complex issue.

Ah, I think this became a fear of mine because we have established a pattern of emailing each other over a long period, and I guess NT's are a bit uncomfortable when things change, too, especially without warning. And especially NT's with anxiety issues.

 

[Judge]

I agree with that however I disagree with the part that says "we are continually shattered from translating yours". It may be harder to communicate but I know many aspies (including myself) who use their intelligence to analyze and respond appropriately to NT's.

It's great if you believe this is something you personally can overcome in real time, however at the age of 15, I don't think you can honestly project your life experience on par with so many adults to the contrary. Especially over romantic relationships you likely haven't experienced yet.

In a real-time conversation I suspect most people on the spectrum simply cannot function like a computer and deliver the most appropriate, logical result on the spot where required. Quite to the contrary, it's where many of us are the most vulnerable. Where depending on the subject matter and person we are addressing, as to whether or not we get any "second chances" after the fact.

In essence, many of us simply do not communicate optimally in real-time.

 

[Streetwise]

if you want anymore info type in ASPIES on the YouTube search bar
the info is varied
there is light relief in 'stupid s**t people say to ASPIE'S'" like can you fix my computer"

I've given him the definite date, but I haven't texted him the time yet. Would that be helpful?