Introduction

[dspoh001]

Hi,
I was diagnosed with Asperger's Syndrome two years ago, when I was 19. I graduated high school in June of '13, but wasn't able to go to any of the colleges I applied to, either because of the lack of affordability or I got rejected. After that I signed up for FEMACorps. FEMACorps is a relatively new subset of AmeriCorps, a volunteer program in the U.S. often referred to as a domestic version of the PeaceCorps. I lasted for about a month, but then got fired due to poor social skills in an environment that required a lot of interactions. Before I went back home I met a girl, also in the program.
I spent a couple of months just hanging out at home. Occasionally I applied for a job, but I never really wanted one. I started to talk more and more with the girl. Sometimes we Skyped or chatted on the phone for hours. In high school, I was in some clubs, but I didn't have any friends where I'd go and hang out with them or talk to them when I had something on my mind. I never talked to people the way I talked to her. Sometimes we'd flirt with each other. It was mutual, but one day she texted me that she wanted it to stop because it was making her uncomfortable. That same day I texted her back that 'I had a knew hobby with a razor. I liked it. It felt good'. I had started to self-harm that May. She told a mutual friend that she was concerned about something I'd said, but that was that.
After that she didn't really want to talk as much. I kept trying to start conversations, but she was always too busy or she suddenly didn't 'like' to talk to people. She said that I talked more than her and that pissed me off because I was the one who had gotten fired for poor social skills.(In retrospect I suspect that it was just awkward for her, with me still fixated on the concept that I either find away to get her to love me or it was game over for me. My psychiatrist later said that a trait of Asperger's Syndrome is black and white thinking.) I text stormed her, spent several hours just dwelling on this and sending her a bunch of messages. She ignored me up until the end. She told me that she was done. She had tried to be my friend, but I had manipulated her.
I researched apologies and sent her a lengthy e-mail a few days later. She said that she forgave me, but that she wanted a few months first. I took that verbatim. I didn't stop cutting, but I went to counseling at my college because I wanted to find ways to improve my relationship with her when we finally started to talk again. I was scared to death that I would mess up my one and only chance at happiness. My counselor asked me what I would do if I contacted her and she said that she still didn't want to talk to me. I said that I'd cut like there was no tomorrow because that would be game over for me.
That's when I went to the psychiatric unit at my local hospital for the first time. I was there for a week, but then got out after I called the girl up and she didn't tell me to go away. She just said that she was working and couldn't talk right then. I overdosed on antidepressants in a suicide attempt and went back to the hospital for a three week stay. It was starting to dawn on me that she really didn't want anything to do with me. That's when the possibility of Asperger's Syndrome was first brought up for me.
Fast forward to two years later. I've been in the hospital 11 more times since then and I've had 3 medical withdrawals from college. I lost my financial aid once for having so many of these, but was able to get it back. If it happens again, I'll lose my financial aid again and won't be able to get it back. Game over again, I guess.
I've founded a Creative Writing Club and a Horror Club at my college. The Horror Club died, but the Creative Writing Club is still strong. I like going there, but I mainly talk to them about writing and never about my background. I'm looking for true friends and am hoping to find some with other Aspies who can relate to my social difficulties.
Anyway, I am truly sorry if this is too much too fast. I was hoping to find somewhere where I can talk about my social difficulties and get some guidance without any worries or anything. Thanks!

 

[Elemental]

Welcome to Central dspoh001 I'm sorry you've felt in so much pain you wanted to hurt yourself more. I understand some of the reasoning behind cutting but I think it's something that is very frightening to many people & that may be why your friend has withdrawn further. I'm glad you could share your experiences & I really hope you can find a way to be kinder to yourself. Welcome to our community

 

[dspoh001]

Thank you. My psychiatrist said that it seemed as if hurting myself had evolved into an autistic special interest for me. Before that I'd never considered that Aspie interests could be negative as well as positive.

 

[Elemental]

Thank you. My psychiatrist said that it seemed as if hurting myself had evolved into an autistic special interest for me. Before that I'd never considered that Aspie interests could be negative as well as positive.

Well, it's a double sided coin right? What could be positively viewed as drive or passion in one direction might be viewed negatively as obsession or fixation, especially if it's potentially damaging. I have a habit / stim of peeling / picking skin from my face, I can be relentless & it's worse if I'm stressed but it's not a total constant. It's damaging though, I've left marks & scars before & it's habitual unless I'm absorbed in something else.

 

[Southern Discomfort]

I read that and if it weren't for mentioning poor social skills I would have figured you for someone with Borderline Personality Disorder. It sounds like very difficult and complicated emotions you're feeling. From what I know of self harm people do describe it as something that can feel quite addicting, even enjoyable. Very sad.

If you ever feel like you want to stop doing it I did come across one technique that can still provide feeling pain without leaving scars or the real danger of hurting yourself badly which is to draw on your skin with a pen, you can do it as deeply as you want without breaking the skin. It might help you gain some stability.

 

[Elemental]

From what I know of self harm people do describe it as something that can feel quite addicting, even enjoyable.

Someone I know who was cutting, said they had a whole ritual attached to it, which was quite elaborate & that become habitual with them for quite a while. So many manifestations of compulsive behaviors exist among very many people it seems.

 

[Southern Discomfort]

Someone I know who was cutting, said they had a whole ritual attached to it, which was quite elaborate & that become habitual with them for quite a while. So many manifestations of compulsive behaviors exist among very many people it seems.

Scary.

 

[Elemental]

Scary.

Worse actually, they had a trans-op. which in light of everything else, may have been ill-thought through - their words.

 

[Southern Discomfort]

Worse actually, they had a trans-op. which in light of everything else, may have been ill-thought through - their words.

Oh dear, that's a world of complication.

 

[Elemental]

Oh dear, that's a world of complication.

Yes, truly tragic. I hope they found a way to live at peace with themselves, certainly want to think that

 

[Katherine Rawstron]

You're getting it off your chest by writing about it. It doesn't matter if it's lenghy, as readers can read as much or as little as they can cope with, and come back to it later if they wish; unlike incessant talking, which is extremely annoying and frustrating as there's no way out if you're on the receiving end of it.

 

[dspoh001]

I read that and if it weren't for mentioning poor social skills I would have figured you for someone with Borderline Personality Disorder. It sounds like very difficult and complicated emotions you're feeling. From what I know of self harm people do describe it as something that can feel quite addicting, even enjoyable. Very sad.

If you ever feel like you want to stop doing it I did come across one technique that can still provide feeling pain without leaving scars or the real danger of hurting yourself badly which is to draw on your skin with a pen, you can do it as deeply as you want without breaking the skin. It might help you gain some stability.

Well, for me, part of the problem was a late diagnosis so I eventually allowed it to blow up in my face. I've been more stable lately. In the past seven months, I've only been in a psych unit for a few days. Also, I'm sorry if I included a bunch of extraneous information irrelevant to Asperger's Syndrome. Before I was admitted to the hospital, I didn't know thing one about Asperger's Syndrome. Now that I have it, I know more, but I've still got a lot to learn about it.

 

[dspoh001]

You're getting it off your chest by writing about it. It doesn't matter if it's lenghy, as readers can read as much or as little as they can cope with, and come back to it later if they wish; unlike incessant talking, which is extremely annoying and frustrating as there's no way out if you're on the receiving end of it.

Thank you for your patience with me and your understanding.

 

[Southern Discomfort]

Also, I'm sorry if I included a bunch of extraneous information irrelevant to Asperger's Syndrome.

Don't. You didn't.

 

[Elemental]

Quite a few pf us on here had late-diagnosis & it is a lot to take in. The longer you've lived non-diagnozed, the more events & stuff there are to rethink with the new knowledge & hopefully understanding. Being here helps!