Introduction, feeling lost.

[jason8682]

Hi everyone,
My name is Jason, I'm 37 years old, I'm in the preliminary stage of getting an autism diagnosis. Don't really know what to say. I've had a very hard life for a number of reason. I struggle with many aspects of autism. Especially right now. I've never really had an opportunity to speak to anyone else who's autistic and I think that is something that should change.

I am very low right now. I'm currently undergoing cbt for past abuse, and my ex took her own life. Have had problems with drugs in the past. After she passed I was homeless for going on for 2 years, then my sister took me in and I got clean. My ex was very ill, we were together for 10 years and I was her carer for much of the start of my adult life. She was always worse than me and for one reason or another my health and I took a back seat to her.

In the last 5 years I have tried to build myself up repeatedly. But I have had insomnia since that point. And I didn't realize i was autistic until maybe a year or 2 before she passed.

I'm studying computer science at home. And I've had to work full time but I'm really struggling to keep a job for a multitude of reasons.

I have dyspraxia which translates to breaking glasses in a pub, being too slow or clumsy to make a product to a target in a factory. Then i have no work history. So I'm pretty much forced into going to agencies for factories it seems like the only sort of job that will take me. Of course I'm 'high functioning' whatever the hell that means. So my deficits are bad enough to mean that a workplace has no interest in my lack of physical talents. But I'm not bad enough to warrant help from benefits in any useful capacity.

I've just lost a job that I could do, that I'm actually good at because my latest sleeping tablet has essentially stopped working. So it's 50/50 I'll actually sleep and has resulted in a lot of time off work. My doctors have fully backed it all up. But I got a doctor to listen and is in the process of going through my medical notes to try find something else. And has done me a sick not in the meantime. Upon handing it in, I was sacked. And it will be a month before I see anything from universal credit. I'm sick of being back in the gutter, insomnia, not being able to face people. Sensory issues, Then how hard masking at work can be. How do people work with this? I need, some bloody stability for once in my life. This merry go round I keep trying to ride is going to be the death of me, but I can't see any way through other than to ride it. That me and my life if you can call it that.

Nice to meet you!

 

[tree]

 

[Nitro]

 

[Tom]

It seems like you are making some progress in persuing a diagnosis. It may eventually trigger benefits they would be of use for you. Not sure what country you are in. In the US they have things like SSI, section 8 housing, etc. With SSI you can still work up to a set ammount of hours a week to supplement it.

 

[VictorR]

Hello, sorry to hear of your challenges and I hope things will get better for you.

@Tom - as he mentioned Universal Credit I believe he's in the UK.

 

[kriss72]

Hi @jason8682 , welcome to the forum

 

[SusanLR]

Hi and welcome @jason8682 , looks like you are taking some first steps even if it is rough. Hope you like it here and find some interesting things that can help.

 

[Rodafina]

Hello and welcome @jason8682.

Hopefully you can find something good here on the forum to get you out of that lost feeling. It sounds like you are needing steady ground beneath your feet. Sometimes, we can build this ourselves even when the terrain seems very precarious.

 

[jason8682]

Hey everyone, yes i am in the uk. I am from England, but have been living in scotland for 2 years.

I have applied to pip which is the uk's disability benefit twice. And basically been written off as high functioning and completely able to cope. What really pisses me off is i have helped and watches 3 people apply, and get it for plain old depression and very little evidence. I fought for it with my ex, without a diagnosis until very late on, that really was a fight. It went to tribunal and towards the end we were awarded it, going on 6 years too late but we got it eventually.

Losing this job has prompted me to try again, i cannot go on like this. But now i am living in scotland and they have just introduced an independent scottish disability benefit and the forms seem to cater much more for things such as autism and mental health in general. Im prepared for a fight this time. I don't know if they are as bad as the dwp for turning people down that actually need it up here, but shall see.

I think going through asd assessment even though it is preliminary stages has highlighted just how much i do struggle with some things and i am also better prepared in that sense, of knowing the full extend of my symptoms compared to earlier attempts and being able to fight for what i actually experience. No way shall i accept a label of high functioning. I am high functioning but there seems to be this belief about that if you can go out, or you work, or if you are intelligent and autistic, that 'those sort' of autistic people somehoew dont have the same struggles as every other autistic individual. And that idea needs to be replaced by the stark truth of most of our lives.

Im feeling a little less lost today and a little more fight. Hopeful i can do something constructive with it.

Thanks guys for your welcome msgs.

 

[David C]

Welcome Jason. Sounds like your emotions are definitely maxed out. My doctor recommended to me a small dose (15 mg) of an antidepressant called Mirtazapine to help me sleep 10 years ago and it still works a treat. Vivid dreams are a side effect in I think about 2% of users and I seem to be one of them. Because I have severe ptsd I have to take a blood pressure drug called prozassin 2mg or the dreams turn into night terrors. He knew exactly how to deal with the sleep and night terror issues straight off the bat. Prozassin is also used for anxiety so the regular sleep and those 2 meds combined with my regular antidepressants I think may contribute to how well I've been travelling in recent years. Maybe you've got survival to get through, then a lot of healing. Perhaps all downtime devoted to recovery for some time. It's good on several levels you've found this forum, you have a lot of people with similar history's to you here and in other recovery circles. Be prepared to be in for the long haul but there will be increasingly good periods and moments and you may end up a deeper, wiser, more content soul had you not had such major challenges. Good luck buddy and thanks for sharing such sensitive stuff with us.

 

[jason8682]

Welcome Jason. Sounds like your emotions are definitely maxed out. My doctor recommended to me a small dose (15 mg) of an antidepressant called Mirtazapine to help me sleep 10 years ago and it still works a treat. Vivid dreams are a side effect in I think about 2% of users and I seem to be one of them. Because I have severe ptsd I have to take a blood pressure drug called prozassin 2mg or the dreams turn into night terrors. He knew exactly how to deal with the sleep and night terror issues straight off the bat. Prozassin is also used for anxiety so the regular sleep and those 2 meds combined with my regular antidepressants I think may contribute to how well I've been travelling in recent years. Maybe you've got survival to get through, then a lot of healing. Perhaps all downtime devoted to recovery for some time. It's good on several levels you've found this forum, you have a lot of people with similar history's to you here and in other recovery circles. Be prepared to be in for the long haul but there will be increasingly good periods and moments and you may end up a deeper, wiser, more content soul had you not had such major challenges. Good luck buddy and thanks for sharing such sensitive stuff with us.

 

[Angular Chap]

Hello and welcome, @jason8682, good to meet you.

I'm also in Scotland and currently awaiting an official diagnosis (I went to my GP and was referred in the summer last year.)

Looks like you are also a fellow computer science aficionado, we have plenty of tech threads on the go here, you are more than welcome to come and join us.

Wishing you all the best with your current challenges and your autism journey, thanks for sharing it with us. Hope you find this community as helpful as I do.

 

[jason8682]

Hey David thanks for your reply. And everyone thank you for being so welcoming, it has been a much needed boost today. I half expected the whole 'your not diagnosed' front.

I am on 45mg of mirtazepine now, that is the med that has held me for the last 2 years ish and it works wonders for my mood, but it has lost effectiveness in making me drowsy and I am on the maximum dose. Well most of the time, its like, if there is anything at all,...high stress levels, anxiety; I'm up all night. So my doctor has now prescribed me another drowsy anti histamine which I have not tried. I plan to use the mirtazepine mainly, but when I know I'm that way out and may struggle to sleep, I can take that on top. Maybe that way it will last much longer.

So I have spoken to acas surrounding my dismissal, who have said they have not gone about it legally whatsoever. I think my director probably had something along the lines of 'he's autistic, maybe I can pull a fast one' and 'he..what, won't notice? Or is too stupid to realise and ight back in the back of his mind. They have basically sacked me citing a few minor breaches in company policy, stuff that would barely equate to a disciplinary, and time off, which my doctors have backed for all of it. I've had no official disciplinary for anything. And as I said sacked me after handing in my medical note. So I have sent him a legal grievance outlining this, urging my reinstatement, but basically saying, if I'm not reinstated or they don't pay me my contractual payment in lieu of notice, I will be taking them to court. And I don't think he has even contemplated that I would have the fight to do this. So will see what happens.

Also angular-chap thats good to know, will definitely get into that when I have the time.
Again everyone thank you for being so welcoming.

Jason

 

[David C]

Hey David thanks for your reply. And everyone thank you for being so welcoming, it has been a much needed boost today. I half expected the whole 'your not diagnosed' front.

I am on 45mg of mirtazepine now, that is the med that has held me for the last 2 years ish and it works wonders for my mood, but it has lost effectiveness in making me drowsy and I am on the maximum dose. Well most of the time, its like, if there is anything at all,...high stress levels, anxiety; I'm up all night. So my doctor has now prescribed me another drowsy anti histamine which I have not tried. I plan to use the mirtazepine mainly, but when I know I'm that way out and may struggle to sleep, I can take that on top. Maybe that way it will last much longer.

So I have spoken to acas surrounding my dismissal, who have said they have not gone about it legally whatsoever. I think my director probably had something along the lines of 'he's autistic, maybe I can pull a fast one' and 'he..what, won't notice? Or is too stupid to realise and ight back in the back of his mind. They have basically sacked me citing a few minor breaches in company policy, stuff that would barely equate to a disciplinary, and time off, which my doctors have backed for all of it. I've had no official disciplinary for anything. And as I said sacked me after handing in my medical note. So I have sent him a legal grievance outlining this, urging my reinstatement, but basically saying, if I'm not reinstated or they don't pay me my contractual payment in lieu of notice, I will be taking them to court. And I don't think he has even contemplated that I would have the fight to do this. So will see what happens.

Also angular-chap thats good to know, will definitely get into that when I have the time.
Again everyone thank you for

 

[David C]

Good luck. I'm in Oz. Got knocked back for my disability pension, persevered, fought and eventually won. Had 2 psychiatrists backing my claim they had one. Was a union rep for years learned that if you wait for them to make a mistake they will. I won a disability insurance claim 24,000. They kept knocking me back, my solicitor gave up and I got them through the antidiscrimination commission on the basis of my illness being psychological. They are very useful here. Good luck. Keep us updated. I hope you've got support people, NA or if there's an autism group there. You're sister sounds supportive

 

[jason8682]

Sorry I didn't elaborate. At that time, she saved my life. Took me into her home in full blown withdrawal, and cared for me through it. The state I was in, would not be here without her. She lives in south Yorkshire, but I got on my feet, moved out, and I think insomnia was the downfall of South Yorkshire, I lost a job, was kicked out of my accommodation and she had moved into a smaller flat which couldn't really accommodate me. I ended up moving back to West Yorkshire where I am from, my brother took me in. Though he uses drugs a lot, so I stayed as long as I needed to get a flat. My Mum passed away at that time. And everything that had happened there, so many memories. I worked near where my ex partner had hung herself. I couldn't stay in Bradford. I ended up getting with my partner now, who I have known online since teenage years, and ended up moving in with her where I am now in Glasgow, my sister is supportive and we talk ect but she's 400 miles away from me.

I tried to explain to my current partner and give her as much heads up about what living with someone who's autistic means. But I don't think she really understands. In particular between her and her son, privacy is a big issue for me. Im not comfortable yet letting certain stuff out in front of her, maybe I should, maybe she will understand then. Was planning to get to this but kind of absorbed with the whole where my next payment is coming from. Its like, I have to mask 24/7, if I act autistic I get the same response as a typical person on the street would give. Its making me wonder if this situation will ever be right for me. Tried to get her to watch videos. an stuff. Shes bi polar and believes she has ADHD and shes very absorbed in it. But I have to accomodate her, while getting no accomodations myself. Im so stressed right now.

 

[David C]

Sorry I didn't elaborate. At that time, she saved my life. Took me into her home in full blown withdrawal, and cared for me through it. The state I was in, would not be here without her. She lives in south Yorkshire, but I got on my feet, moved out, and I think insomnia was the downfall of South Yorkshire, I lost a job, was kicked out of my accommodation and she had moved into a smaller flat which couldn't really accommodate me. I ended up moving back to West Yorkshire where I am from, my brother took me in. Though he uses drugs a lot, so I stayed as long as I needed to get a flat. My Mum passed away at that time. And everything that had happened there, so many memories. I worked near where my ex partner had hung herself. I couldn't stay in Bradford. I ended up getting with my partner now, who I have known online since teenage years, and ended up moving in with her where I am now in Glasgow, my sister is supportive and we talk ect but she's 400 miles away from me.

I tried to explain to my current partner and give her as much heads up about what living with someone who's autistic means. But I don't think she really understands. In particular between her and her son, privacy is a big issue for me. Im not comfortable yet letting certain stuff out in front of her, maybe I should, maybe she will understand then. Was planning to get to this but kind of absorbed with the whole where my next payment is coming from. Its like, I have to mask 24/7, if I act autistic I get the same response as a typical person on the street would give. Its making me wonder if this situation will ever be right for me. Tried to get her to watch videos. an stuff. Shes bi polar and believes she has ADHD and shes very absorbed in it. But I have to accomodate her, while getting no accomodations myself. Im so stressed right now.

With her having those issues you would think she would make room for your issues but unfortunately as you're aware it's never like it should be. I hope she becomes more interested in your autism. My x wife was totally self obsessed. Some people mature past it, my x didn't. I learned to accept that I wouldn't get my needs met by her. I don't know if you can set boundaries with her like, sorry I'm too stressed for that etc. It means you need as much support from people who have it to give as you can get. Obviously you need a base there safe from drugs. I treated my wife like a self obsessed flat mate until our son turned 18 then left. She had been in recovery for 15 years and hadn't changed a bit. We are survivors us lot. Hang in there. Stress is awful but it won't kill you. It may kill someone my age! You will be on your feet, independent and empowered eventually

 

[jason8682]

Sorry I didn't elaborate. At that time, she saved my life. Took me into her home in full blown withdrawal, and cared for me through it. The state I was in, would not be here without her. She lives in south Yorkshire, but I got on my feet, moved out, and I think insomnia was the downfall of South Yorkshire, I lost a job, was kicked out of my accommodation and she had moved into a smaller flat which couldn't really accommodate me. I ended up moving back to West Yorkshire where I am from, my brother took me in. Though he uses drugs a lot, so I stayed as long as I needed to get a flat. My Mum passed away at that time. And everything that had happened there, so many memories. I worked near where my ex partner had hung herself. I couldn't stay in Bradford. I ended up getting with my partner now, who I have known online since teenage years, and ended up moving in with her where I am now in Glasgow, my sister is supportive and we talk ect but she's 400 miles away from me.

I tried to explain to my current partner and give her as much heads up about what living with someone who's autistic means. But

With her having those issues you would think she would make room for your issues but unfortunately as you're aware it's never like it should be. I hope she becomes more interested in your autism. My x wife was totally self obsessed. Some people mature past it, my x didn't. I learned to accept that I wouldn't get my needs met by her. I don't know if you can set boundaries with her like, sorry I'm too stressed for that etc. It means you need as much support from people who have it to give as you can get. Obviously you need a base there safe from drugs. I treated my wife like a self obsessed flat mate until our son turned 18 then left. She had been in recovery for 15 years and hadn't changed a bit. We are survivors us lot. Hang in there. Stress is awful but it won't kill you. It may kill someone my age! You will be on your feet, independent and empowered eventually

Im waiting for my degree to change my life. I think until its finished, it will be a slog, end of. At that point, when i go off to do research in machine consciousness, if she learns to accomodatr things, she can get in on it. If not ill be gone and never look back.

 

[SeanF]

Hi everyone,
My name is Jason, I'm 37 years old, I'm in the preliminary stage of getting an autism diagnosis. Don't really know what to say. I've had a very hard life for a number of reason. I struggle with many aspects of autism. Especially right now. I've never really had an opportunity to speak to anyone else who's autistic and I think that is something that should change.

I am very low right now. I'm currently undergoing cbt for past abuse, and my ex took her own life. Have had problems with drugs in the past. After she passed I was homeless for going on for 2 years, then my sister took me in and I got clean. My ex was very ill, we were together for 10 years and I was her carer for much of the start of my adult life. She was always worse than me and for one reason or another my health and I took a back seat to her.

In the last 5 years I have tried to build myself up repeatedly. But I have had insomnia since that point. And I didn't realize i was autistic until maybe a year or 2 before she passed.

I'm studying computer science at home. And I've had to work full time but I'm really struggling to keep a job for a multitude of reasons.

I have dyspraxia which translates to breaking glasses in a pub, being too slow or clumsy to make a product to a target in a factory. Then i have no work history. So I'm pretty much forced into going to agencies for factories it seems like the only sort of job that will take me. Of course I'm 'high functioning' whatever the hell that means. So my deficits are bad enough to mean that a workplace has no interest in my lack of physical talents. But I'm not bad enough to warrant help from benefits in any useful capacity.

I've just lost a job that I could do, that I'm actually good at because my latest sleeping tablet has essentially stopped working. So it's 50/50 I'll actually sleep and has resulted in a lot of time off work. My doctors have fully backed it all up. But I got a doctor to listen and is in the process of going through my medical notes to try find something else. And has done me a sick not in the meantime. Upon handing it in, I was sacked. And it will be a month before I see anything from universal credit. I'm sick of being back in the gutter, insomnia, not being able to face people. Sensory issues, Then how hard masking at work can be. How do people work with this? I need, some bloody stability for once in my life. This merry go round I keep trying to ride is going to be the death of me, but I can't see any way through other than to ride it. That me and my life if you can call it that.

Nice to meet you!

So sorry, brother. That is a large burden you carrying. I am familiar with the chasmic hole burgeoning in the heart. There are many days that I too struggle to place one foot in front of the next in order to keep stepping into tomorrow. I won’t patronize your troubles by pretending there are answers to your situation. I will say, however, that I was moved by your grief. It sounds like you have one heck of a story to tell, one that would probably resonate deeply with many of the fine folks on this forum. Perhaps you should write it down.

Whatever path you choose, however you push through this difficult time in your life, I applaud and appreciate your courage to do so. Keep fighting to find the good, my friend. Keep fighting.

 

[Chailatte_]

I'm sorry for what you've been through; being here is a significant step. It means you're facing your challenges and taking control of your life, and that takes courage. As much as it may be worth and even though you don't know me, I'm proud of you! Enjoy your time on the forum; you'll find a corner of serenity with many different people and diverse experiences that can provide you with inspiration and support. Keep not giving up.
@jason8682