In denial for 15 years after being diagnosed by a Psychiatrist with Aspergers

[Aspie&Aspie]

It has taken me 15 years to finally acknowledge, and to begin to accept having been officially diagnosed with Aspergers Syndrome.

I think the reason it took so long for me to accept this diagnosis, was that I didn't want to believe I had some type of mental illness and the stigma and label that it would bring.

It was easier to be in denial and just pretend that I was a normal average guy.
After all I was a master at pretending to be normal as I had almost perfected it, or so I thought. I had a good job, a wife, kids, own home, friends, a high position role with my Church, so on the outside things looked ok. But on the inside things were not ok.
My own definition of someone with a Aspergers Syndrome/mental illness was very naive and black and white. I was successful and functioning well in society, I wasn't on medication, I didn't look or act crazy. Sure I realised we are all different I had some idiosyncrasies about me but I didn't have a benchmark to compare it with because I had never been anybody else before, just myself, me.

It wasn't until I stumbled upon this website that I realised maybe I was different. And the fact my son was living with me for the last 2 weeks and I had observed some mannerisms/behaviours in him that I did myself. It was like looking into a mirror.
How my Son cut off all his clothing tags, like my Dad did and I do also. How my Son has an unusual walk without swinging his arms much, that blank stare, he doesn't talk while eating and zones out. His communication skills are not the best. His monotone voice and lack of facial expressions. Difficulty looking people in the eye when talking. All these behaviours were an epiphany and awoke me from my fake Neurotypical trance, and made me ask myself the question.

What if my Psychiatrist all those years ago was correct?

He was, and is.

 

[redleave]

some type of mental illness

Hi.

Aspergers is NOT a mental illness.
I think it's just a different way of living and interacting with others.

 

[total-recoil]

It has taken me 15 years to finally acknowledge, and to begin to accept having been officially diagnosed with Aspergers Syndrome.

I think the reason it took so long for me to accept this diagnosis, was that I didn't want to believe I had some type of mental illness and the stigma and label that it would bring.

It was easier to be in denial and just pretend that I was a normal average guy.
After all I was a master at pretending to be normal as I had almost perfected it, or so I thought. I had a good job, a wife, kids, own home, friends, a high position role with my Church, so on the outside things looked ok. But on the inside things were not ok.
My own definition of someone with a Aspergers Syndrome/mental illness was very naive and black and white. I was successful and functioning well in society, I wasn't on medication, I didn't look or act crazy. Sure I realised we are all different I had some idiosyncrasies about me but I didn't have a benchmark to compare it with because I had never been anybody else before, just myself, me.

It wasn't until I stumbled upon this website that I realised maybe I was different. And the fact my son was living with me for the last 2 weeks and I had observed some mannerisms/behaviours in him that I did myself. It was like looking into a mirror.
How my Son cut off all his clothing tags, like my Dad did and I do also. How my Son has an unusual walk without swinging his arms much, that blank stare, he doesn't talk while eating and zones out. His communication skills are not the best. His monotone voice and lack of facial expressions. Difficulty looking people in the eye when talking. All these behaviours were an epiphany and awoke me from my fake Neurotypical trance, and made me ask myself the question.

What if my Psychiatrist all those years ago was correct?

He was, and is.

Why use the term "illness"? If Aspergers or HFA is an illness then it needs to be "treated" like, say, depression or phobia. However, this is not as straightforward since by treating Aspergers, the subject would theoretically become "normal" in the context of a given, existing social normality.
Aspergers is more complex a phenomenon than being an illness. Rather, we are wired differently to neurotypicals so experience significant problems with social interaction. Many people here will probably tell you if they have to choose between being normal at the cost of no longer being themselves, they'd rather remain as they are. True, many aspies also suffer problems such as depression but a large part of that is due to not having learned to (a) accept and (b) manage aspergers syndrome.

 

[Daniel]

Hi Aspie&Aspie, welcome to AspiesCentral! I hope you can find some solace and enlightenment on here. I know I have! It's been good to connect, even just fleetingly, with others who are deal with similar issues.

After all I was a master at pretending to be normal as I had almost perfected it, or so I thought. I had a good job, a wife, kids, own home, friends, a high position role with my Church, so on the outside things looked ok. But on the inside things were not ok.
My own definition of someone with a Aspergers Syndrome/mental illness was very naive and black and white. I was successful and functioning well in society, I wasn't on medication, I didn't look or act crazy. Sure I realised we are all different I had some idiosyncrasies about me but I didn't have a benchmark to compare it with because I had never been anybody else before, just myself, me.

I can relate... I had tried to do the normal thing, but it never felt right on the inside. I never knew (or wanted to think) that other people really were different from me (and I from them) on a deep and profound level.

But I've found that embracing what I can't change about myself has been quite liberating! It hasn't been easy, that's for sure, but I no longer blame myself, or feel like I'm a failure because I don't fit in, or anything like that.

I wish you the best on your journey of self discovery!

 

[Undiagnosed]

I had thought it would be the other way around. I thought that someone with Asperger's would feel or know they were different in some way but that a evaluator or professional would have a difficult time identifying it if the person acted or appeared normal to a large degree. I'd have to say it's a good psyciatrist that can look ddeeper and uncover it becouse some people bring their issues to their professional and theprofessional dose not recognize it and tells them they don't have ....whatever...(asperger's or whatever it is).

 

[Soup]

Welcome A&A: I'm glad you found us. It's always great to see someone shake themselves out of denial & into acceptance & acknowledgement. The fact that Asperger's appears in the DSM IV tr can make it seem to be a mental illness. It is not one. Down Syndrome is also in there but it is the result of a chromosomal anomaly & no amount of medicating or therapy can 'cure' it. Aspies are not sick: we are a different kind of human being who are wired differently.

Since we are distinctly in the minority, the NT majority have been in the position to define what is normal & define how society should function (using, of course, themselves as the reference point). This is what makes life hard for Aspies. We are expected to adapt to a way of functioning that is not natural for us. So called 'therapies' for Aspies focus on de-Aspifiying us & making us act & look more like the NT majority thinks we should. This is tantamount to addressing racism by trying to make black people wear white make-up, blonde wigs, blue contact lenses & teaching them to 'act WASPY'. Such a suggestion in these times would be dismissed for the absurdity it is.

I, for one, do NOT want to have to live in drag as a NT. I don't want anyone to de-Aspify me & make me so-called normal. Their societies & cultures, while there are many positives, are riddled with a series of problems, inequities, contradictions & hypocrisies. Being so-called normal is not a guarantee of success, happiness, affluence or anything else & there are many very successful Aspies living lives they find fulfilling.