I'm so tired of wanting to belong. I have never fit in with any social group. Not even my family.

[WolfsRealm]

I have read so many posts on here in which members state that they are perfectly happy not having any contact with other people, that they prefer to have as little communication as possible to get by with in today's society. I want to know why I don't feel that way.

Why do I feel such a need to be a part of society? To be wanted and missed when I'm not there? Why can't I be happy and satisfied with the company of my cats, who love me or not - but they certainly miss me when I'm not here, rather than feeling so depressed because people don't feel the same for me?

I'm making myself miserable because I'm not satisfied with what I have despite all of my attempts to do so. I have every physical thing that I've ever wanted, a safe home, furniture, a good bed, reliable transportation, books, music and a decent phone and computer. I have my cats and they are my reason for continuing. They are the reason that I pulled myself out of the trap I had bought into my whole life back in 2009. I realized then that I was just existing and I wasn't satisfied with that.

So I figured out after a few months of thinking about it what I wanted in life. That was peace. It took a few more months to define what peace meant to me. A safe, stable home and to have friends. Or at least one friend. Then I planned out reasonable steps (goals) I could work toward over a reasonable period of time to ultimately achieve my version of peace.

I had a long journey because I was starting from the bottom with no support. In fact, I had to fight to even begin. I had been living in disability and in and out of psych hospitals since I was 19yrs old. Back in the '80's there was a general belief that girls didn't have Asperger's. In fact it's a lot the same now . So I was put on a lot of heavy duty psych meds and I had to fight my Drs and family to get off of them. That took a couple of years.

Then I started volunteering with a local animal rescue to meet people. I had self isolated so much and had such severe social anxiety that it was the first time in almost 10yrs that I met and spoke to people that I hadn't known previously. I conquered my social anxiety by volunteering to raise funds for the rescue group by sitting in front of a bar on a Friday or Saturday night when a good band was playing and asking people to donate a dollar for the animals. That took a couple of years too.

Then I got off of disability and got a job. It sucked but then I got a better job and bought my house in 2015. My dad did help with that because in 2012 I took the Mensa test and proved to myself and him that I was smart and so worth the effort. In 2016 I joined the Unitarian Universalist Society and began volunteering at The Women's Center. I hoped that by widening my social circle and being involved I'd make friends.

Well, it's almost 10yrs since I began my journey. I succeeded at my goals and did so only a little longer than I'd hoped to. I ended up back on disability at the beginning of 2017 because of overwhelming stress and a lot of physical issues that came out of nowhere. I can deal with the physical stuff and am in therapy for the stress and past traumas.

But I still have no friends. Lots of acquaintance's that say hi when they see me and ask how I am and tell me how they are. None who call between the times I see them at the UU or the Women's Center. None that want to chat or talk if I call. (that'll only occur twice, I figure maybe they're really busy the first time) They don't call me back even if they say they will. I don't get invited to any parties or get togethers I hear them talking about after the fact even if I happen to be part of the conversation and say how fun that sounds, please invite me next time.

Well, correction. I do get invited if I happen to be standing there when they start talking about their plans and say how fun that sounds. I went a couple of times at first mistakenly thinking they really wanted me there but came to realize that it was a pity invite. How do I know that? Don't we all have plenty of experience being around people that don't really want us there? Enough that even in our social blindness we recognize it?

So my question is how do I stop wanting to be wanted. How can I stop feeling so hurt by being excluded. Why do I yearn so much to have a friend when so many of us couldn't care less? On the other hand, how did so many members find partners, spouses, ECT.? I'm just so tired of hurting.

 

[Judge]

So my question is how do I stop wanting to be wanted. How can I stop feeling so hurt by being excluded. Why do I yearn so much to have a friend when so many of us couldn't care less? On the other hand, how did so many members find partners, spouses, ECT.? I'm just so tired of hurting.

I don't think you can. That part of the dilemma of being on the spectrum is this weird dichotomy of both detesting human company and craving it at the same time. Makes life continually difficult on a number of levels. Yet it reflects who- and what we are. For better or worse.

Perhaps the only thing we are really left with is our own self-awareness, and the ability to forgive ourselves while we socially stumble through our lives.

"Forever on the outside looking in."

 

[SunnyDay16]

Hey @WolfsRealm

I must say that your post speaks to me for many reasons because one I can relate to the feeling of not really belonging anywhere and yearning for close friends. The need for friends isn't really present anymore, but it still comes from time to time. It's been replaced by a want, not a need.

You should know that how you're feeling is perfectly normal, not something that needs to be "stopped". It's part of our DNA to want to find a social group where we fit in and connect with others, but some people may want it more frequently than others, which is also okay.

The thing is though, If you have low self-esteem and low self-acceptance, that want can turn into a need. If the need isn't met, you feel like you have a defect somehow and feel ****** about yourself, which in turn makes it even harder to find friends and be social with others.

From what you've said on here, the people you're trying to get close to just aren't "your" people. It has nothing to do with you or them, it's just that you haven't found the right people yet. You can still try to be friendly to them, but there's no need to be hard on yourself and beat yourself up because they don't seem to want anyhing more.

One thing that has helped me tremendously is practicing self-compassion. If I don't connect that well with somebody, instead of beating myself up for it I try to look at it through different lens. There's many reasons why people don't connect, reasons that could have absolutely nothing to do with me. So instead of telling myself "There must be something wrong with you because this person doesn't want to be around you" I tell myself "I can try to get to know them more, but it could just be that we don't have much in common or we're not meant to be friends".

Working on your social skills can help too. There's a free guide online I really like that is both simple to understand and practical. The link for it is here and it covers much of what I said. But the main key is being kind to yourself and understanding that finding people and fostering friendships is a journey, not a destination.

 

[Pats]

I also don't think it's that we are not wanting to fit in, but realize we don't and try to become aware of who we are. You have to be content with who you are and learning I was on the spectrum and reading more about autism I am more accepting of who I am.
I never fit in anywhere and always felt like I did not belong on this earth. Now I know why. As I got older it became even harder and when I moved back to NC five years ago I knew it was going to be impossible to make new friends. And I'm too tired of trying to try anymore.

 

[Streetwise]

@WolfsRealm
This is the conclusion I've come to ,I only !!!!!!want the relationship I had with my mother before the age of five or six ,after that you're expected to be almost ready to leave home .
I now understand it's because I have The label high functioning autism.

 

[jfk]

I don't think you can. That part of the dilemma of being on the spectrum is this weird dichotomy of both detesting human company and craving it at the same time. Makes life continually difficult on a number of levels. Yet it reflects who- and what we are. For better or worse.

Perhaps the only thing we are really left with is our own self-awareness, and the ability to forgive ourselves while we socially stumble through our lives.

"Forever on the outside looking in."

My god you've perfectly captured how the world is to me in those 2 bold quotes. Thank you. I couldn't put it any better

I feel a bit sad and reflective at the moment. I feel like I need a big hug and feel very lonely in this world atm.

 

[AloneNotLonely]

From what I can gather, it's just brain chemistry. Some get the same feeling of happiness when playing video games, being around cats or watching movies that they get from friends. In my case, I feel happier in those cases than I would with others. Pretty much everything makes me happy and fulfilled, so adding in people (as much as I love to talk) is not a huge addition.

If such things do not make you happy, then you can end up feeling unfulfilled when faced with something you cannot have (in your case friendship) that does give you those feelings.

Your choices are to find something that does provide happiness to the point where you do not crave friendship anymore, or to become the type of person that others want to be friends with. I suggest both, cover your bases. It's also entirely possible that for you there is nothing else that can give you the same thing that friendship does.

 

[SunnyDay16]

From what I can gather, it's just brain chemistry. Some get the same feeling of happiness when playing video games, being around cats or watching movies that they get from friends. In my case, I feel happier in those cases than I would with others. Pretty much everything makes me happy and fulfilled, so adding in people (as much as I love to talk) is not a huge addition.

If such things do not make you happy, then you can end up feeling unfulfilled when faced with something you cannot have (in your case friendship) that does give you those feelings.

Your choices are to find something that does provide happiness to the point where you do not crave friendship anymore, or to become the type of person that others want to be friends with. I suggest both, cover your bases. It's also entirely possible that for you there is nothing else that can give you the same thing that friendship does.

The "type" of person that people want to be friends with varies from person to person, because we're all different. I don't think it's one specific type. I also find that by trying to be the person everyone wants to be friends with is only going to turn people away. Not to mention, it's extremely exhausting with little to no payoff. People can tell if you're faking it. That doesn't mean we shouldn't try to improve ourselves, but we should look for friends who are able to bond with us on a deeper level, which you can't get by trying to put on a show for people.

 

[Stardust Parade]

I'm so sorry you're going through this. I really feel for you, as I was in the same boat for years until a few months ago when I met 2 amazing friends.
All I can say is, don't give up, but don't force it either. I met my 2 friends when I least expected it. One I met at a memorial service (!) and the other I met randomly at work.

 

[Bella Pines]

Few questions to determine the answer;

1. How do you feel about yourself? How do you compare to the person you want to be? How good a friend do you think you would be, if you had to judge yourself from the outside, would you want to be your friend?

2. What is your ideal friend? What is your ideal partner? What interactions are you looking for with them?

 

[WolfsRealm]

Few questions to determine the answer;

1. How do you feel about yourself? How do you compare to the person you want to be? How good a friend do you think you would be, if you had to judge yourself from the outside, would you want to be your friend?

2. What is your ideal friend? What is your ideal partner? What interactions are you looking for with them?

1)
I feel better about myself than I used to. Still working on that in therapy. I realize that "The journey is the destination" and expect that my feelings about myself will continue to evolve over time.

The only person I want to be is myself. I have never looked at someone else and wanted to be them. Even characters that I've made for D&D are me with different skins.

I think I am a good friend. That is what I am told. But as I stated in the OP I do not have good friends. I have good acquaintances.

I believe I would want to be my friend. I try to be the friend to others that I would want. Attentive but not overly so. Fun to be around. An active listener when needed. Willing to help out when needed. Caring and concerned but not in a creepy way.

2)
I think that my ideal friend/partner would be someone who is open-minded and accepting of not just myself but all people. Someone who is stable and not overly excitable, if you understand what I mean by that. Someone who is good in an emergency in other words. Someone that enjoys intelligent conversations as much as they enjoy watching stupid movies or goofing off. They must be empathetic and love animals. No smokers!! Someone with similar interests as me, of course. They enjoy staying home and watching a movie or something more than going out to a party or a bar. Someone who cares about me and wants to spend time with me because they enjoy it, not because they feel they should or feel sorry for me...

 

[Bella Pines]

So my question is how do I stop wanting to be wanted. How can I stop feeling so hurt by being excluded. Why do I yearn so much to have a friend when so many of us couldn't care less? On the other hand, how did so many members find partners, spouses, ECT.? I'm just so tired of hurting.

My (totally unqualified and randomly plucked out of the air) suggestion is;

I feel better about myself than I used to. Still working on that in therapy.

A lot of aspies try so hard to fit in and want to be wanted and accepted. They get upset about the exclusion that, you're right, we all recognize and is very familiar!!

The trend I have noticed however, is that the more comfortable we are in our own skins, the less effect this has. I would guess that so long as you doubt yourself, you will need that hole to be filled and will continue to look for an external solution (say friends). However, if you can get to a place where you are completely content in your own skin (easier said than done), they you will find that this "need" will fade.

So I would suggest continuing on the path, but focus on self respect, concentrate on the qualities about yourself that you most like. This also has the additional side effect, that people are attracted to confidence.

The second point is that the exclusion is not just us.

We analyse situations in depth. But if you really look hard, you will see that no one really fits in. People, especially NTs are so self absorbed, that they will go through the motions of having a "besty" or close friends. When in actual fact, if you ever get full accepted into one of these groups (which I have done in the past), you'll see that it's not all facebook and smiles. And more often than not the people in the groups hate each other in many small ways! And then put on an act of being a fab friend group whenever a camera comes out.

I think that my ideal friend/partner would be someone who is open-minded and accepting of not just myself but all people. Someone who is stable and not overly excitable, if you understand what I mean by that. Someone who is good in an emergency in other words. Someone that enjoys intelligent conversations as much as they enjoy watching stupid movies or goofing off. They must be empathetic and love animals. No smokers!! Someone with similar interests as me, of course. They enjoy staying home and watching a movie or something more than going out to a party or a bar. Someone who cares about me and wants to spend time with me because they enjoy it, not because they feel they should or feel sorry for me...

Ah you see, this person doesn't actually exist...

For this point, you have 3 choices. 1) Make up an imaginary friend in your head like the rest of us or 2) go out to coffee with a mirror 3) alter your ideal friend/partner requirements to "is alive".

 

[AloneNotLonely]

Uh, I'm pretty sure that person does exist. Those are pretty realistic requirements since they don't include "6 foot tall, 6 figure income, dark and handsome".

The missing parts of this equation are simply: what do you have to offer this person so that they would be interested should you meet them and how will you go about finding them?

 

[WolfsRealm]

My (totally unqualified and randomly plucked out of the air) suggestion is;

Ah you see, this person doesn't actually exist...

For this point, you have 3 choices. 1) Make up an imaginary friend in your head like the rest of us or 2) go out to coffee with a mirror 3) alter your ideal friend/partner requirements to "is alive".

@Bella Pines are you an LCSW or a Psychologist? I deeply appreciate your feedback but your response is textbook. I realize that this person doesn't exist and how unlikely it would be that I would ever meet them even if they did exist but I was answering your question regarding what "my ideal friend...partner would be".

Your suggestion that I make an imaginary friend, go out to eat with a mirror or simply accept anyone who is alive is also a fairly common response to this trap of a "question". It's insulting and condescending and I did not expect to receive it in this forum.

My question, which is clearly stated in the OP, is not how do I find a friend/partner.

"So my question is how do I stop wanting to be wanted. How can I stop feeling so hurt by being excluded. Why do I yearn so much to have a friend when so many of us couldn't care less? On the other hand, how did so many members find partners, spouses, ECT.? I'm just so tired of hurting."

 

[WolfsRealm]

@SunnyDay16 "The thing is though, If you have low self-esteem and low self-acceptance, that want can turn into a need. If the need isn't met, you feel like you have a defect somehow and feel ****** about yourself, which in turn makes it even harder to find friends and be social with others."

Yes, I realize that my need is being projected and that is part of why I have had no luck in finding what I'm looking for. I have been working for years to build my self-esteem and improve my self-image and that will continue. These are why my question was how to STOP wanting/needing to be wanted, to be a part of a group or have friends. I have been made fully aware of how off-putting that need is and that it is picked up by other people.

"From what you've said on here, the people you're trying to get close to just aren't "your" people. It has nothing to do with you or them, it's just that you haven't found the right people yet. You can still try to be friendly to them, but there's no need to be hard on yourself and beat yourself up because they don't seem to want anyhing more."

I don't know where else to go to look for "my people". I live in a small town in the rusty buckle of the Bible belt. I have no easy transport to a larger town or city and the community that I've become a part of is the most open-minded, accepting and compassionate one in this area. I do not find online friends to be what I am wanting though I very happy that I have them. It is the actual human presence that I need.

"One thing that has helped me tremendously is practicing self-compassion. If I don't connect that well with somebody, instead of beating myself up for it I try to look at it through different lens. There's many reasons why people don't connect, reasons that could have absolutely nothing to do with me. So instead of telling myself "There must be something wrong with you because this person doesn't want to be around you" I tell myself "I can try to get to know them more, but it could just be that we don't have much in common or we're not meant to be friends"."

Yes. That's exactly what I've been doing for a couple of years now. Between therapy, practicing Buddhism and increasing experience in social situations I have come to that conclusion also.

"Working on your social skills can help too. There's a free guide online I really like that is both simple to understand and practical. The link for it is here and it covers much of what I said. But the main key is being kind to yourself and understanding that finding people and fostering friendships is a journey, not a destination."

Thank you for that link. It has some excellent resources on it and I'll be recommending it to future people should it be appropriate. I have been working on improving my social skills and will continue to do so. The resources in your link will be very helpful.

I will never forget the day that I was in a support group and having a sudden burst of insight so strong that I could almost see a bright light flash. There was a picture on the wall with what I'd always felt was a very trite saying but I suddenly understood to my depths what it actually meant. It said
"The Journey Is The Destination"
I think until that point I had secretly felt that one day I would suddenly"find" peace. Like walking through a door and I'm At Peace. With that realization I altered my strategy and began working harder on my daily social skills and finding better ways to manage my anxiety. This is part of why I want to find out how to stop projecting my feelings which are making people feel uncomfortable with me.

Thank you for your response and suggestions.

 

[WolfsRealm]

I also don't think it's that we are not wanting to fit in, but realize we don't and try to become aware of who we are. You have to be content with who you are and learning I was on the spectrum and reading more about autism I am more accepting of who I am.
I never fit in anywhere and always felt like I did not belong on this earth. Now I know why. As I got older it became even harder and when I moved back to NC five years ago I knew it was going to be impossible to make new friends. And I'm too tired of trying to try anymore.

@Pats I'm almost to that point also. Actually, I am at that point. This is the last option that I've been able to think of. It's made out of desperation as well as self defense.

 

[SunnyDay16]

"The thing is though, If you have low self-esteem and low self-acceptance, that want can turn into a need. If the need isn't met, you feel like you have a defect somehow and feel ****** about yourself, which in turn makes it even harder to find friends and be social with others."

Yes, I realize that my need is being projected and that is part of why I have had no luck in finding what I'm looking for. I have been working for years to build my self-esteem and improve my self-image and that will continue. These are why my question was how to STOP wanting/needing to be wanted, to be a part of a group or have friends. I have been made fully aware of how off-putting that need is and that it is picked up by other people.

"From what you've said on here, the people you're trying to get close to just aren't "your" people. It has nothing to do with you or them, it's just that you haven't found the right people yet. You can still try to be friendly to them, but there's no need to be hard on yourself and beat yourself up because they don't seem to want anyhing more."

I don't know where else to go to look for "my people". I live in a small town in the rusty buckle of the Bible belt. I have no easy transport to a larger town or city and the community that I've become a part of is the most open-minded, accepting and compassionate one in this area. I do not find online friends to be what I am wanting though I very happy that I have them. It is the actual human presence that I need.

"One thing that has helped me tremendously is practicing self-compassion. If I don't connect that well with somebody, instead of beating myself up for it I try to look at it through different lens. There's many reasons why people don't connect, reasons that could have absolutely nothing to do with me. So instead of telling myself "There must be something wrong with you because this person doesn't want to be around you" I tell myself "I can try to get to know them more, but it could just be that we don't have much in common or we're not meant to be friends"."

Yes. That's exactly what I've been doing for a couple of years now. Between therapy, practicing Buddhism and increasing experience in social situations I have come to that conclusion also.

"Working on your social skills can help too. There's a free guide online I really like that is both simple to understand and practical. The link for it is here and it covers much of what I said. But the main key is being kind to yourself and understanding that finding people and fostering friendships is a journey, not a destination."

Thank you for that link. It has some excellent resources on it and I'll be recommending it to future people should it be appropriate. I have been working on improving my social skills and will continue to do so. The resources in your link will be very helpful.

I will never forget the day that I was in a support group and having a sudden burst of insight so strong that I could almost see a bright light flash. There was a picture on the wall with what I'd always felt was a very trite saying but I suddenly understood to my depths what it actually meant. It said
"The Journey Is The Destination"
I think until that point I had secretly felt that one day I would suddenly"find" peace. Like walking through a door and I'm At Peace. With that realization I altered my strategy and began working harder on my daily social skills and finding better ways to manage my anxiety. This is part of why I want to find out how to stop projecting my feelings which are making people feel uncomfortable with me.

Thank you for your response and suggestions.

I don't think you can ever stop wanting to be wanted or have friends. Like I said, we're social creatures by nature. It's normal to feel lonely and sad about it, you have every right to! We're wired to want connection and be included, some people want it more than others. As long as you're not beating yourself up about it, it's OK to feel that way you feel, even if it sucks.

Distracting yourself with other things can help put your mind off it, only for a little while, but the reality is that the feelings of loneliness aren't going to go away. It's not something you have much control of, it's just part of being human.

I'm sorry that finding new people isn't exactly practical right now. There aren't any clubs or meetups in your area that you can join? If there was an aspie meetup in your town, I would greatly recommend that.

 

[WolfsRealm]

Most of the people I've met over the years in various instances have been happenstance. I didn't set out to make friends or meet people. Became friendly with a neighbour, who moved into an apartment nearby. Her cat met my cat, and they began making really loud 'danger' vocalizations through the fence. She had tethered her cat and gone inside to make tea. He managed to wiggle out of his halter and elected to visit us.

She came running up to pick up her cat. We spoke for a few minutes and that continued. After that when I went away, she looked after my cats and I looked after hers when she went away. Within a years time we became friends, she is estranged from her biological family and I am from mine. We have similar interests, and did things together. We walked for hours in the summer together, both with grammar books in our hands, teaching one another verbs and grammar as we walked. She, to improve her english and I to improve my french. We helped one another. It was a mutual friendship, both of us enjoyed one another's company. Eventually she moved on, and the friendship was over. It benefited both of us. And I was sad when she moved away, to work in the city. Yet, the friendship itself was pleasant, and I think about that rather than one that exists on a continuum.

Have had friendships related to whatever I was doing at the time. Work friendships, people I've cycled with, food bank fundraising, horseback riding. They lasted for as long as I was involved in whatever it happened to be. Usually it was more a meeting of interests that created the relationship, and it became a friendship over time. Friendships it seems to me can be exhausting in real life, you have to make so much effort to meet up, to do things together, and after awhile there are things about the person you don't agree with. That you have to overlook once you get to know them well.

Think that you have to consider the reasons why not having friends makes you miserable. Why you need another person to be happy. Why you're not enough for yourself. I think many people tend to be lonely even in relationships, it's the human condition. I believe that we all yearn for that closeness, the one we may have had as infants with our mothers.

Yes, I've experienced what you're describing. In my experience, with one exception which I treasure, these aquaintinces do not become friendships. I am unsure why I crave human companionship when others do not. I'm sure that my past experience as a child is a contributing factor as you suggest however it does not resolve my current issue.

 

[Pats]

Most of the people I've met over the years in various instances have been happenstance. I didn't set out to make friends or meet people. Became friendly with a neighbour, who moved into an apartment nearby. Her cat met my cat, and they began making really loud 'danger' vocalizations through the fence. She had tethered her cat and gone inside to make tea. He managed to wiggle out of his halter and elected to visit us.

She came running up to pick up her cat. We spoke for a few minutes and that continued. After that when I went away, she looked after my cats and I looked after hers when she went away. Within a years time we became friends, she is estranged from her biological family and I am from mine. We have similar interests, and did things together. We walked for hours in the summer together, both with grammar books in our hands, teaching one another verbs and grammar as we walked. She, to improve her english and I to improve my french. We helped one another. It was a mutual friendship, both of us enjoyed one another's company. Eventually she moved on, and the friendship was over. It benefited both of us. And I was sad when she moved away, to work in the city. Yet, the friendship itself was pleasant, and I think about that rather than one that exists on a continuum.

Have had friendships related to whatever I was doing at the time. Work friendships, people I've cycled with, food bank fundraising, horseback riding. They lasted for as long as I was involved in whatever it happened to be. Usually it was more a meeting of interests that created the relationship, and it became a friendship over time. Friendships it seems to me can be exhausting in real life, you have to make so much effort to meet up, to do things together, and after awhile there are things about the person you don't agree with. That you have to overlook once you get to know them well.

Think that you have to consider the reasons why not having friends makes you miserable. Why you need another person to be happy. Why you're not enough for yourself. I think many people tend to be lonely even in relationships, it's the human condition. I believe that we all yearn for that closeness, the one we may have had as infants with our mothers.

It Is usually circumstance. I did have a best friend in 7th & 8th grade and I laugh when I think about how we became friends. We had gym together and she bent down to tie her shoes just as I opened my locker and the door hit her in the head. She was mad and threatening to beat me up. I apologized until I was blue in the face and gave her a piece of gum and we were friends. LOL

 

[SunnyDay16]

Yes, I've experienced what you're describing. In my experience, with one exception which I treasure, these aquaintinces do not become friendships. I am unsure why I crave human companionship when others do not. I'm sure that my past experience as a child is a contributing factor as you suggest however it does not resolve my current issue.

The majority of people only have one or two really close friends, the rest are either acquaintances or superficial friendships, as people tend to rely on their partners the most for emotional intimacy. Even though it may seem that some people have a ton of besties, that's not really the case. Those "besties" are really only people they have friendly chit chat with, but they're not really intimate with.

Is it possible that you're not vulnerable enough? Vulnerability is one of the foundations of an intimate friendship and it's supposed to happen gradually as you get to know someone. In order to be vulnerable though with someone, you have to trust them and like who they are as a person. They have to accept you for who you are.