I'm obssessed, and it's killing me.

[4gottenLoreKali]

Hello all,

as for my first real thread here, I would like to discuss with you an issue that is very pressing for me at the moment. I feel agonizing anxiety over this, and just won't stop beating myself up in my head about it. But before I do so, I feel like I need to lay a little foundation and give you all some background info on my situation. Please pardon me if I am presenting to you a boring wall of text, or rambling.

I'm 19 years old and am a Freshman at a college in New England. I am officially diagnosed with Asperger's, and I can confirm that I've struggled with being a social cockroach (as I like to word it) my whole life. I will say, though, that my grip on social skills has gotten better over time, but I'm still a bit of an outcast. (In a way, that's how I like it, but that's another topic for another day.) I have had a total of two romantic relationships in my whole life, to give you all an idea of how pathetic I am. Both of them ended through no fault of my own. Also, in middle and high school, I've been considered a "creeper" by girls who I liked. I feel like my experience is that for me to admit I like someone is suicide because of all the backlash I've gotten in the past. Thankfully, like I said, those days are behind me. But some of the pain of that era still remains.

So, my current situation is with this girl in my classes on three out of the five days of my academic week. I met her back in late August of last year at a program orientation day. I'm not exactly a big believer in "love at first sight", but I do believe that you can have gut instincts that can foreshadow how you truly feel about someone. Like, when you see them, you're just emotionally attracted to their mannerisms, the way they speak, their words. Those all can be good indicators. Well, I definitely felt those for this girl. So I struck up a conversation with her, she gave me her telephone number and we texted and got to know each other real well. She opened up to me about some stuff I'm pretty sure she wouldn't tell just anyone, such as her experiences with stalkers and all that stuff. She, like myself, is socially awkward and has anxiety in some public situations. We hit it off great and all. All while this was happening, my interest in her grows. One day I propose that we go out, just do something light-hearted and fun together. Due to a comedy of errors and several failures of communication (or, more likely, just her purposefully avoiding me), we kept pushing the date back further and further.

The situation, as it stands, is that we're still friends and all. I just want so much more. I've tried telling her that before, but it backfires. I feel like she's aware that I care deeply about her, but she's oblivious to how. If she wanted to hang out or do something with me, I would be elated.

I need this beautiful individual in my life. I've been trampled all over and stabbed in the back by so many. I am envious of the wonderful relationships others have, I feel like my turn for one is long overdue. And I'm dead-set on this particular person. Please don't think I'm some kind of crazy stalker or anything like that, like so many other people have assumed about me. I have legitimate feelings. I want to share them with her. I want to heal myself in her presence. I don't even care about sex, that comes as a distant second. I know you can't force love on the unwilling, but I would give anything for her to feel the same way as I do. Again, I'm sorry if I feel these emotions so strongly, but this is occupying much of my waking moments.

Now I know why they call it a crush. It crushes your soul.

What advice can you offer me?

 

[4gottenLoreKali]

I'm so sorry to bump my own thread, but I'm still worried about this and could use some help.

 

[Aspergirl4hire]

I'll take a stab at it.

I have had a total of two romantic relationships in my whole life, to give you all an idea of how pathetic I am. Both of them ended through no fault of my own.

If you're a freshman in college and you've had two, you're doing well.

Due to a comedy of errors and several failures of communication (or, more likely, just her purposefully avoiding me), we kept pushing the date back further and further.

Don't assume malice. Assume asynchronous schedules, a little bit of nervous shyness and self-doubt, leading to a possible liking for the ambiguity and warmth of knowing you care, and not wanting to risk that to reality. And I did make all that up, but it accommodates how overwhelming life can be in college, or even just in the late teens and early twenties.

I need this beautiful individual in my life.

No one want to be the only available source. No one wants to date the desperate. This is work you can do on yourself: accept that you're OK on your own, and don't need her so much as want her (not in the sexual way, but in the companionship way...the sex will take care of itself, if it's mutual).

My 20-year-old son thinks you might do better if you invited a couple of people to do something super-casual on a set date. If she pushes that back, then assume she wants to be friends and not romantically involved (at this time, anyway).

A couple of other notes:

• She doesn't owe you for your previous bad experiences. She has her own stuff to deal with and she may be afraid of repeating mistakes of her own.
  
• It's not up to her to fix your life.
• Intense feelings are par for the course at this time in your lives.

So either wait for it, or seek companionship elsewhere, because you can't hug anybody you've put on a pedestal, and once she's on the pedestal, the only way she can look at you is down at you. That's no way to start a relationship.

EDIT: Both your avatar and your name suggest you're comfortable keeping people at a distance, and for uncomfortable reasons...are you sending this signal out in real life as well? You can't be OK with others until you're OK with yourself. I found it very uncomfortable realizing how obvious my self-dislike is to other people. And how easy they found it to agree with me. Can you like yourself?

 

[Judge]

I feel like she's aware that I care deeply about her, but she's oblivious to how.

The good news: I wouldn't sell your own perception short in such an instance.

The bad news: Your probably right. Accept her as just a friend. If you can't, move on.

If she cares about you in such a way, she's likely to reciprocate it. If not....

 

[4gottenLoreKali]

Both your avatar and your name suggest you're comfortable keeping people at a distance, and for uncomfortable reasons...are you sending this signal out in real life as well? You can't be OK with others until you're OK with yourself. I found it very uncomfortable realizing how obvious my self-dislike is to other people. And how easy they found it to agree with me. Can you like yourself?

Hi, first of all, thank you very much for the advice. I appreciate your input more than you think.

The avatar and username choices are references to a video game, but as for your question, I wouldn't think I'm alienating others, at least not intentionally. I mean, sure, I wear metal shirts and all but I'd like to think I'm at least somewhat approachable. And the truth it, most oftentimes I don't like myself: but for the most part I keep it inside unless it's around someone I trust and value.

I can like myself, but it's hard when people have this unavoidable standard of what you ought to be. I'm getting there.

 

[Judge]

I can like myself, but it's hard when people have this unavoidable standard of what you ought to be. I'm getting there.

How true. They don't make it easy, that's for sure.

 

[4gottenLoreKali]

I once heard this allegory that happiness is like a butterfly: if you go chasing for it, you'll never catch it, but if you sit still you may be surprised that it lands on you. I'd like for that to be true.

 

[4gottenLoreKali]

UPDATE 4 / 17: So I was out at the mall last night with my buddy. We were at Newbury comics, and if I know one thing about this girl who I still have somewhat of a thing for, it's that she looooooooooooooooooooooooooves pugs. She has one. So, I saw this fridge magnet with a pug on it and some cute, funny slogan as its caption. I bought it, and gave it to her today, saying: "I've been meaning to give this to you." She was pleasantly shocked, and hugged me spontaneously, saying that I'm her "favorite person in the world". There may be a breakthrough! I'm keeping an open mind.

 

[Shalott]

I don't know if I can contribute (I know I come a bit late) but I had to comment on this.
The way you talk about how you felt for her reminds me sooooooo much of what my partner said (and what I thought of him too).

To begin with: don't you ever dare to describe yourself as pathetic (doesn't matter the cause why you think so because it won't be true).
Having lots of relationships doesn't make you an expert on love, believe me. We will always be on the way of learning how to deal with love.

You also have to consider that for NTs sometimes it's very complicated to understand Aspies. When you feel like you can really trust her, I would tell her about you being an AS because it really helps not to misunderstand certain things (otherwise you can drive us mad without meaning to). So, for the moment don't get frustrated if she reacts in an unexpected way because most probably it would be part of this difficulty in understanding you.
I remember when my bf began to talk with me and would go and say things like: "don't think I'm flirting with you. It's not that your not attractive and that... but I think you as a nice girl and a friend". And then he would go and say things like: "wow, why can't I find a girl like you?". I came to the point of not knowing whether he was joking or really liked me but wasn't sure to make me know, or "what the hell was going on!" haha. Until he finally confessed.

I think you are doing the things right: being thoughful, listening to her, spending time with her, etc. I'm sure she really appreciates this things.
If she keeps on spending time with you and trusts you: there must be some reason I think. Otherwise, I think she would have already say: "look, I'm not interested" because by this time I think she has some hint. I don't want to give you false expectations, I'm just giving you my opinion by what you've told. Be also careful and don't rush things (you won't regret doing so).

Seriously, you having such nice gestures and refering to her as "this beautiful individual"....I really wish she finally realises the good match you are


Also if you want the opinion from a person in "the other side" you can always open a private conversation and I'll be willing to try to help you

 

[4gottenLoreKali]

Thanks for all the support and encouragement guys! Interestingly enough, I described myself as a "social cockroach" in this thread. Ms. M. Portent (that's what I'm going to call her, just as a placeholder name because I'm not going to give out her real name) was talking to me today in between classes, and I was talking with her about some of my aspie tendencies (I didn't mention that I have Asperger's, just some of the social symptoms associated with it.) and described myself as a "social cockroach". She corrected me, and called me a "social caterpillar", because "caterpillars turn into butterflies". If that isn't the highest compliment in the land I don't know what is.

I think part of the reason why she doesn't talk to me all that much outside of school is that she literally works seven days a week and heads straight from school to her job. I hope that if she had a freer schedule she would spend some time with me. We'll see what happens when summer rolls around.