I'm NT and hope you can help me understand this wonderful guy I dated

[sybok]

Autism or not, all that sounds horrible. Based on what you said, I would avoid him like COVID-19. If anything he sounds quite manipulative which I don't really see much of in autism. It seems to me that kind of game playing requires some serious social skills, even if he uses them for evil instead of good. People on the spectrum, as a general rule, do NOT play that game well at all.

 

[ntloveandpain]

The big differences imo for a psychopathic disorder is the evident 'able social' aspect, sexual promiscuity & lack of compassion, /sensitivity/empathy.

Well, he only had 30-50 sex partners. And he did have compassion - with himself. He always talked about how he felt and that he felt sorry for how he treated me. So maybe, he wasn't a psychopath?

 

[sybok]

Well, he only had 30-50 sex partners. And he did have compassion - with himself. He always talked about how he felt and that he felt sorry for how he treated me. So maybe, he wasn't a psychopath?

Only 30-50 sex partners? I am assuming that is a joke? I don't know about psychopaths, but I think we respect ourselves by only allowing people in our lives who show us respect.

I just cannot see an aspie playing games to this degree. It seems very uncharacteristic. I can see, and have seen, certain young male aspies staring at my daughter's breasts. But they seem mostly unaware that they are doing it.

 

[ntloveandpain]

I just cannot see an aspie playing games to this degree. It seems very uncharacteristic.

Maybe I got everything wrong? Maybe I didn't undestand him correctly? At times it was like I was important to him. At other occations it was like I was nothing to him. Maybe he wasn't playing games and instead, I didn't understand him?

I think what rachel_ruien wrote might fit best: he wasn't playing with me, he just put on a mask. As soon as I got closer, he dropped his mask to show his true self. I couldn't handle it. I was the problem and not him. Could that be the case?

Only 30-50 sex partners? I am assuming that is a joke?

For gay people, that aren't many, sadly.

By the way, I found these videos which explain how I feel at the moment very precisely:

 

[sybok]

I apologise ntloveandpain. I totally misread everything. Unconscious bias in action I suppose.

Who can really know the heart of another. I should have stayed out this discussion. I cannot read people, I cannot predict what they will do. I don't even know my emotions until I collapse and they spill out all around me.

I do understand, at least in a limited way, what it feels like to be stuck on someone. In some ways, I hope you don't mind my saying, it is like my drinking problem.

I stopped drinking for 24 years. I went to AA to do so. Sadly, I tried it again a couple of years ago. Clearly a powerful part of me still loves it, no matter the potential and actual harm it threatens. I am "controlling" it. I limit it to a bottle of red and maybe a little extra on a Friday night. But I can feel it always wanting to pull me in deeper.

Sometimes, love is not enough. Sometimes we need to take the hard road, seemingly impossible road, and leave that toxic relationship or chemical behind.

I do not know if he is aspie or not, and I suspect you have never seen his actual assessment to know if he is telling the truth or not. Regardless, autism is not excuse to mistreat people.

I am really sorry for what you are going through.

 

[tree]

"...he wasn't playing with me, he just put on a mask. As soon as I got closer, he dropped his mask to show his true self."
You could hardly give a better description of playing with someone than this.

"I couldn't handle it. I was the problem and not him. Could that be the case?"
For some reason you chose to introject, take on the responsibility for another
person's bad behavior.

 

[ntloveandpain]

"I couldn't handle it. I was the problem and not him. Could that be the case?"
For some reason you chose to introject, take on the responsibility for another
person's bad behavior.

Love make fools of us all. The psychiatrist in the video I posted did say that we try to find a reason why everything went down the drain. Maybe I was the problem, maybe he was the problem, maybe both of us were the problem. I honestly don't know. But I wish he would be here, in my arms, loving me as much as I love him. Or at least, I wish to not have these feelings anymore. Right at the moment I hate love ^^

 

[ntloveandpain]

I apologise ntloveandpain. I totally misread everything. Unconscious bias in action I suppose.

You don't have to apologize. Your explanation is spot on and is one of different possibilites - and your guess is as good as mine, or even better, if I am fair.

Who can really know the heart of another. I should have stayed out this discussion. I cannot read people, I cannot predict what they will do. I don't even know my emotions until I collapse and they spill out all around me.

Well, I am normally very good at reading other peoples feelings. But not this time. I am totally lost. Is it because he has Aspergers? Is it because I am in love, which means I am a total emotional mess, chemicals running through my brain, making me totally crazy? I don't know.

What I know is that I simply can't trust myself in this situation. The first time I don't trust my judgement. Actually, I think I might have sensory processing sensitivity. Like 20% of society. I'm normally good at reading people, as already mentioned - but not this time.

I do understand, at least in a limited way, what it feels like to be stuck on someone. In some ways, I hope you don't mind my saying, it is like my drinking problem.

I don't mind you saying that. You are absolutely correct. And, if I may tell you, you seem like a lovely person! Thank you for taking your time helping me.

I haven't had any drug addiction, so I can't say if it is the same. But scientists claim it is the same processes they meassured in the brain. In fact, cocaine addiction and love are the same thing. And while it is hard to get away from a cocaine addiction, it is hard to get away from a drug addiction caused by loving someone. Especially since it is very hard to not "take another dose" (the images just pop into my mind).

I stopped drinking for 24 years. I went to AA to do so. Sadly, I tried it again a couple of years ago. Clearly a powerful part of me still loves it, no matter the potential and actual harm it threatens. I am "controlling" it. I limit it to a bottle of red and maybe a little extra on a Friday night. But I can feel it always wanting to pull me in deeper.

I am so proud of you! I have two family members, though not close relatives, who struggle with addiction as well. It is really hard. That you manage that so well takes a lot of strength!

And I guess you are right. Drug addiction, alcohol addiction and love can be compared.

Sometimes, love is not enough. Sometimes we need to take the hard road, seemingly impossible road, and leave that toxic relationship or chemical behind.

Yeah, sadly. It is very, very hard.

II do not know if he is aspie or not, and I suspect you have never seen his actual assessment to know if he is telling the truth or not. Regardless, autism is not excuse to mistreat people.

I didn't see his assessment. I read three books on Asperger's to understand him. I failed to do so, but to be fair, I did my very best! I don't know what I else could have done. I tried my hardest and it wasn't enough. I am a total failure.

Maybe he had Autism and maybe not. I only know what he claimed.

II am really sorry for what you are going through.

Oh, thank you. It really makes me feel warm inside, when someone cares about my feelings. Thank you, kind stranger <3

 

[rachel_ruien]

he wasn't playing with me, he just put on a mask. As soon as I got closer, he dropped his mask to show his true self. I couldn't handle it. I was the problem and not him. Could that be the case?

Sweetheart, you definitely weren't the problem. It doesn't matter what kind of diagnosis that guy has; it still doesn't excuse the way he treated you. You were right to pull away, and I think you'll be glad you did when you look back on the situation.

I don't know this guy's diagnosis so I can't be 100% sure, but if he does have Asperger's I think it might explain some of his behavior (explain, not excuse). As an Aspie myself, I sometimes struggle to understand the difference between making a good impression and pretending to be someone I'm not. It's not that I'm playing games or trying to trick anyone; I just want to "pass" as neurotypical so I can interact with NT people more smoothly. That's what I meant when I said masking.

To give an example from personal experience, when I first met my current bf (who is NT), I texted him sweet, cute messages all the time to show that I cared about him. After we started dating officially, I stopped sending those texts. In my mind, it was obvious that I loved him because we were dating now, so there was no need to tell him anymore. But to him, it seemed like I was losing interest or ignoring him. He said it was like my personality totally changed. I wasn't trying to trick him; I was just doing what I thought you're supposed to do when you like someone. If you didn't know I had AS, that behavior would be very confusing.

Telling my bf about my AS has helped a lot, but both of us still work hard to keep our relationship healthy and strong. It sounds like the guy you were seeing was extremely narcissistic, with little respect for your time, your needs, or your emotional well-being. No one should have to put up with that. I think everyone here agrees you did exactly what you should've done.

 

[ntloveandpain]

Before I leave, let me just say: thank you for your warm words. You really helped me. You decided to take your time to understand me. You really, really helped me. Your warm words will make it easier for me to get over him.

Thank you, everyone, who took the time to help me. You are awesome!

Goodbye