1. Welcome to Autism Forums, a friendly forum to discuss Aspergers Syndrome, Autism, High Functioning Autism and related conditions.

    Your voice is missing! You will need to register to get access to the following site features:
    • Reply to discussions and create your own threads.
    • Our modern chat room. No add-ons or extensions required, just login and start chatting!
    • Private Member only forums for more serious discussions that you may wish to not have guests or search engines access to.
    • Your very own blog. Write about anything you like on your own individual blog.

    We hope to see you as a part of our community soon! Please also check us out @ https://www.twitter.com/aspiescentral

Featured I’m not very good at sharing.

Discussion in 'General Autism Discussion' started by SimonSays, Feb 22, 2021.

  1. SimonSays

    SimonSays Reality is one thing I can’t afford to ignore

    Messages:
    303
    Joined:
    Feb 3, 2021
    Karma:
    +544
    I could say it stems from my childhood, being a loner, being alone, not having other kids to play with, making things up, living in my own world. I could say some of it comes from how I look after my things, then seeing the way others don’t look after theirs and not wanting them to use mine that way.

    I might say it comes out of living alone in a small camper for a couple of years, doing it by myself, and not having to justify or account for what I did, only deciding how I wanted to and doing it.

    But I have played just fine with others many times, and I have lived with others too, and yet there was always an element of making sure I had what I needed, and sometimes more than I needed.

    This came to a head when I became a dad, as I had to become more giving and less selfish, and for the most part I was, although some aspects never left entirely.

    But it is money I have the biggest issue with, and something I have always found hard to spend, even on myself. I could say it comes out of wanting to use it well, like a tool, to have only what I need and only when I need it. I could say I am just frugal, or maybe tight, like the Jews and the Scots have a reputation for being. I would like to say it is because I don’t want anything to do with a system that values it above all other things, and would prefer to work in a gift economy, offering my skills in return for what I need, etc.

    I really loved working in the Kibbutz commune system in Israel, where we all did things for the good of the whole, doing jobs each liked or wanted, having our needs met by others doing their part in other areas, and not needing to deal with cash at all, even though the Kibbutz produced things to sell, and had some members choose to go out and earn it.

    I could say all of that.

    I do not always know why I do the things I do; I just find myself doing them, or not doing them, and then recognise how strange my actions could seem to those around me. I have come close to giving many times, then not done so, just letting things be as they are, letting go of the idea, not wanting to connect love and money. So I just use what I have wisely, which seems to be the right thing to do.

    To share well, which many have done with me, showing me what it means to do so, isn’t lost on me. I share ideas, my time, my ability to do things, and especially my words. I’ll fetch and carry, chop wood, dig a garden, things that involve physical activity or the use of machines, especially if it isn’t easy for someone to do it by themselves. But just sharing money almost always feels wrong, and sometimes so powerfully that I cannot deny it.

    I used to give to the beggars when I was in India, until I came to feel this wasn’t right either. And while I don’t see friends asking for help as beggars, I have had friends ask to borrow money, and that has eventually ended the friendship when it doesn’t get paid back, which challenges me to let the idea go of needing it to be, for the sake of the friendship, or come to realise it was actually the price I had to pay to have it end.
     
    • Like Like x 3
  2. OkRad

    OkRad μῆνιν ἄειδε θεὰ Πηληϊάδεω Ἀχιλῆος οὐλομένην V.I.P Member

    Messages:
    2,569
    Joined:
    Oct 4, 2013
    Karma:
    +4,683
    Just downsizing this post..........
     
    Last edited: Feb 22, 2021
    • Like Like x 1
  3. Gift2humanity

    Gift2humanity Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

    Messages:
    786
    Joined:
    Jan 12, 2019
    Karma:
    +650
    I d
    ont see any character defect in the OPs post.
    I read about the ATM and the original poster followed the man to try and give him the money but the man disappeared. Shouting “ hey I’ve got your money!” Might have drawn attention from the wrong sort of person who could have grabbed it and ran off.
    He mentions he works in a kibbutz and did things for strangers.
    Maybe the original poster did not make this clear I am not criticising the original poster but if the man suddenly disappeared what was the original poster to do?
    Us autistics to think a lot and ask questions. I am an obsessive and I would like to think that people would have compassion for me being autistic themselves if ever I come on here asking a lot of questions.
     
    Last edited: Feb 22, 2021
    • Friendly Friendly x 2
    • Like Like x 1
  4. Gift2humanity

    Gift2humanity Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

    Messages:
    786
    Joined:
    Jan 12, 2019
    Karma:
    +650
    I used to share a bed and I hated it, I shared a bed until I was 13 a double bed but nonetheless No privacy. I am from a big family and I used to wish I was an only child.
    I never used to look after my things I still break things.
    Having said that I got upset when my sister burst my balloon. I got upset when siblings took things without asking me howeverI believe I never earned their respect.
    I’ve lived alone on and off since 1991 and I was always more comfortable living alone.

    unlike many aspies Your posts sure you have social skills. The above post shows that you played with people okay as a child. Your social skills have enabled you to survive living with others despite challenges for example the man in your house who makes noises and smokes. You do think deeply but you have the wisdom to learn from this man. You have the wisdom to become richer emotionally from it.

    i’ve never been a parent but from what you say above you did your best as a dad, you were giving, I’ve never met a parent even the kindest one who has not felt annoyed in our stress with the responsibility of having a child as it must be very difficult yet you did your best.
    You don’t want To be someone who puts money above everything else, your post tells me you want to see it as a resource and an energy and you want to see it in the right context and use it in the right context. You talk about exchanging energy for instance working and Exchanging favours without cash in the kibbutz.

    money, like time is an energy resource resource. From what you say above you just want to use it with the greatest of respect that it deserves. People say Jews in Scots are tight but isn’t that just a generalisation. Being frugal is being wise and respecting money not being tight and I don’t think it has anything to do with your Heritage.

    most people handle of the money and get goods or services, you seem to want to exchange favours and you want to know what place money has on this. Forgive me if I am wrong in my perception of what you have written. To me this is not strange you are coming from A place of give and take I seem to sense that you value fairness and that doesn’t always mean stick in your hand in your pocket and pulling out cash, It can mean exchange of favours and kindness and gifts.
    what is strange about doing things for the good of the whole? To me that sounds like something I would never have thought about but it is good.

    To me you have used your instincts to know when it is right to give money or not. I don’t see anything wrong in this. Money is not love and love is not money both are an energy. I have been given money by people who don’t love me.

    Your post says you will fetch and carry and dig and share ideas, just like money is a resource and these also resources? Somebody once said to me the best thing you can give someone is your time, well, you have the snip of that you have done this.

    You seem to think, quite rightly to me actually, that there are other ways to give than just handing over money, your words your time your service and do you have given to those in need you mention Beggars in India. Maybe your intuition told you that some of these beggars but not as needy as others and that is why you didn’t give them your money.
    Friends borrowed money and didn’t pay back.

    To sum up I think from your posts your current circumstances Have got you depressed And you seem to be being a bit harsh with yourself. To me you are aware that in this age money is the be all and end all to some people but not to you. Fairness seems more important to you.I hope I haven’t spoken out of turn.
     
    • Winner Winner x 1
    • Friendly Friendly x 1
  5. John M

    John M Well-Known Member V.I.P Member It's My Birthday!

    Messages:
    168
    Joined:
    May 20, 2017
    Karma:
    +262
    • Like Like x 1
    • Agree Agree x 1
  6. Gift2humanity

    Gift2humanity Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

    Messages:
    786
    Joined:
    Jan 12, 2019
    Karma:
    +650
    Hello thank you for the link.
    This would probably benefit me more than the original poster as I am vulnerable to con artists.
    I am a bit confused however why you put this post in this thread.
    I don’t mean to offend you it may be on me I just don’t see what it has to do with Con artists. Con artists are after some money purely.
     
    • Like Like x 1
    • Agree Agree x 1
  7. John M

    John M Well-Known Member V.I.P Member It's My Birthday!

    Messages:
    168
    Joined:
    May 20, 2017
    Karma:
    +262
    It seems like a good spot to me. One thing I've never seen an aspie do on the forums is attempt to build a personna on them. So, I would add to the link that I provided. The con-artist will attempt to build an online personna. I've read lots and lots of aspie posts. We never do that.
     
    • Like Like x 1
    • Useful Useful x 1
  8. Gift2humanity

    Gift2humanity Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

    Messages:
    786
    Joined:
    Jan 12, 2019
    Karma:
    +650
    Hello thank you for the link.
    This would probably benefit me more than the original poster as I am vulnerable to con artists.
    I am a bit confused however why you put this post in this thread.
    I don’t mean to offend you it may be on me I just don’t see what it has to do with Con artists. Con artists are after some money purely.
    Whoops! I missed the bottom line sometimes it’s best not to share. The original poster strikes me as someone who could spot a con artist and mile off as he has been to India and worked on al kibbutz and thinks deep and seems wise.
     
  9. Gift2humanity

    Gift2humanity Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

    Messages:
    786
    Joined:
    Jan 12, 2019
    Karma:
    +650
    I took it to mean that you posted the Con Artist article to show the original poster that it is not always right to give money.
     
    • Like Like x 1
  10. OkRad

    OkRad μῆνιν ἄειδε θεὰ Πηληϊάδεω Ἀχιλῆος οὐλομένην V.I.P Member

    Messages:
    2,569
    Joined:
    Oct 4, 2013
    Karma:
    +4,683
    Yes, I have been thinking I was too hard on him and I think I will truncate my post. Thank you for your ideas!
     
    • Like Like x 2
    • Friendly Friendly x 1
  11. Gift2humanity

    Gift2humanity Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

    Messages:
    786
    Joined:
    Jan 12, 2019
    Karma:
    +650
    It’s ok, I thought of the ATM man, then after I replied to you I wondered “Why didn’t @SimonSays shout out?” Then I had the afterthought, maybe @SimonSays might have been worried some other stranger might have grabbed the cash.
    I just tried to find the post about the ATM to re-read to remind myself as I don’t always interpret things right.
    I just feel that in this grim world of everyone putting money first, @SimonSays feels somehow odd because he would feel more comfy reciprocating good deeds in other ways, and is doubting himself for this. I feel bad talking about others when offline, yet I fully accept if I have misinterpreted what @SimonSays wrongly I will admit it to him and apologise.
     
    • Friendly Friendly x 1
  12. SimonSays

    SimonSays Reality is one thing I can’t afford to ignore

    Messages:
    303
    Joined:
    Feb 3, 2021
    Karma:
    +544
    Years later I had another experience with a man walking away from ATM and a LOT of money coming out. I took it and went to give it to him. He realised what he had done about 10 seconds after, turned to go back just as I reached him.

    Perhaps this happens more than we realise; people are so much in the future they don't wait for the cash they go to get? Have you ever done that?

    But in the first ATM experience the man kept going. He never realised. And the feeling of it being for me was somehow strong. I can't explain it. Had he not vanished that would be different. I would not have just followed him home. I did not decide to keep the money. I just hadn't given it back yet. Had he suddenly realised, turned to go back to see if it was still there (doubtful as busy area), I would have been given it to him. Had I not needed it I doubt feelings of 'gift' would've been there anyway. No reason for them to be.

    I found a purse in the street once. Money, credit cards. Person I was with wanted me to keep it, share it. I took it to the police station instead. I thought it might be a young mother's purse or maybe an elder's. If there had been anything with the address I would've contacted them myself, or even taken it and posted it through their letterbox if it was nearby. The policeman at the desk was very surprised to see the cash still in there. When the owner got it back they called me to thank me and sent me half the money as reward.

    I once found a mobile phone and called a number in their address book (not smart phone). They answered thinking it was them. I explained it was me and she got the owner to call me on it so I could meet her and give it back. Was taken out for a bite to eat by her to thank me.

    I could go on. Point is that the first ATM experience was different. Sometimes gifts come in unexpected ways. I like to share my experiences so people understand life can be wonderful and almost miraculous sometimes.
     
    Last edited: Feb 23, 2021
    • Friendly Friendly x 1
  13. SimonSays

    SimonSays Reality is one thing I can’t afford to ignore

    Messages:
    303
    Joined:
    Feb 3, 2021
    Karma:
    +544
    When I was a volunteer on Kibbutz, everyone shared everything. Like, you could just walk into the room of someone you know, as you say hello go to their fridge and take something. No formality. No needing to ask. No offence at doing it. I didn't mind sharing with people like that. One kibbutznik I was close to sometimes used my deodorant. I didn't mind. I had a portable CD player. Nobody had one there. I let one or two people I trusted borrow it. They were respectful. I wasn't full of anxiety or OCD about it. Perhaps it was because I felt so relaxed and at home in that community. When I am not anxious it is easier for me to share. I want to share because I like people sharing with me.
     
    Last edited: Feb 23, 2021
    • Useful Useful x 1
  14. SimonSays

    SimonSays Reality is one thing I can’t afford to ignore

    Messages:
    303
    Joined:
    Feb 3, 2021
    Karma:
    +544
    I'm not sure whether you're talking about me or just making a 'general' point.
    I've spent my whole life dealing with people who think they have me all figured out. You seem to be saying you have something figured out because you've...
    I do that. I reveal my experiences, which to some might look like creating a persona. Obviously you are entitled to your opinion. But it is interesting to find a similar 'we' mentality here, even though being on the spectrum is too hard to define by 'this is how they all are'.
     
    Last edited: Feb 23, 2021
  15. John M

    John M Well-Known Member V.I.P Member It's My Birthday!

    Messages:
    168
    Joined:
    May 20, 2017
    Karma:
    +262
    There's very little all people with autism have in common but the one thing we do have in common and that is the inability to self-identify with a social group. I've mentioned this many times and I still stand by it. Identifying individuals who try to formulate a persona is a good way to identify people we need to be careful of online. It might not work everytime and sometimes there may be a false positive but some of us aren't good at knowing when to be careful. Giving some basic tools to help identify potential con-artist isn't hurting anyone.
     
    • Useful Useful x 1
  16. Gift2humanity

    Gift2humanity Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

    Messages:
    786
    Joined:
    Jan 12, 2019
    Karma:
    +650
    I have left cash in ATM machines before.
    You sound basically honest.
    I found £10 on a shop floor de ades ago, I kept it.
     
  17. Gift2humanity

    Gift2humanity Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

    Messages:
    786
    Joined:
    Jan 12, 2019
    Karma:
    +650
    I think intuition played a vital role here.
    With intuition you know you were not exploiting each other.
     
    • Agree Agree x 1
  18. Gift2humanity

    Gift2humanity Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

    Messages:
    786
    Joined:
    Jan 12, 2019
    Karma:
    +650
    I don’t understand, your posts don’t read as if you are creating a persona.
     
    • Informative Informative x 1
  19. SimonSays

    SimonSays Reality is one thing I can’t afford to ignore

    Messages:
    303
    Joined:
    Feb 3, 2021
    Karma:
    +544
    I always like finding money on the floor
     
  20. SimonSays

    SimonSays Reality is one thing I can’t afford to ignore

    Messages:
    303
    Joined:
    Feb 3, 2021
    Karma:
    +544
    Good to know.