I could say it stems from my childhood, being a loner, being alone, not having other kids to play with, making things up, living in my own world. I could say some of it comes from how I look after my things, then seeing the way others don’t look after theirs and not wanting them to use mine that way.
I might say it comes out of living alone in a small camper for a couple of years, doing it by myself, and not having to justify or account for what I did, only deciding how I wanted to and doing it.
But I have played just fine with others many times, and I have lived with others too, and yet there was always an element of making sure I had what I needed, and sometimes more than I needed.
This came to a head when I became a dad, as I had to become more giving and less selfish, and for the most part I was, although some aspects never left entirely.
But it is money I have the biggest issue with, and something I have always found hard to spend, even on myself. I could say it comes out of wanting to use it well, like a tool, to have only what I need and only when I need it. I could say I am just frugal, or maybe tight, like the Jews and the Scots have a reputation for being. I would like to say it is because I don’t want anything to do with a system that values it above all other things, and would prefer to work in a gift economy, offering my skills in return for what I need, etc.
I really loved working in the Kibbutz commune system in Israel, where we all did things for the good of the whole, doing jobs each liked or wanted, having our needs met by others doing their part in other areas, and not needing to deal with cash at all, even though the Kibbutz produced things to sell, and had some members choose to go out and earn it.
I could say all of that.
I do not always know why I do the things I do; I just find myself doing them, or not doing them, and then recognise how strange my actions could seem to those around me. I have come close to giving many times, then not done so, just letting things be as they are, letting go of the idea, not wanting to connect love and money. So I just use what I have wisely, which seems to be the right thing to do.
To share well, which many have done with me, showing me what it means to do so, isn’t lost on me. I share ideas, my time, my ability to do things, and especially my words. I’ll fetch and carry, chop wood, dig a garden, things that involve physical activity or the use of machines, especially if it isn’t easy for someone to do it by themselves. But just sharing money almost always feels wrong, and sometimes so powerfully that I cannot deny it.
I used to give to the beggars when I was in India, until I came to feel this wasn’t right either. And while I don’t see friends asking for help as beggars, I have had friends ask to borrow money, and that has eventually ended the friendship when it doesn’t get paid back, which challenges me to let the idea go of needing it to be, for the sake of the friendship, or come to realise it was actually the price I had to pay to have it end.
I might say it comes out of living alone in a small camper for a couple of years, doing it by myself, and not having to justify or account for what I did, only deciding how I wanted to and doing it.
But I have played just fine with others many times, and I have lived with others too, and yet there was always an element of making sure I had what I needed, and sometimes more than I needed.
This came to a head when I became a dad, as I had to become more giving and less selfish, and for the most part I was, although some aspects never left entirely.
But it is money I have the biggest issue with, and something I have always found hard to spend, even on myself. I could say it comes out of wanting to use it well, like a tool, to have only what I need and only when I need it. I could say I am just frugal, or maybe tight, like the Jews and the Scots have a reputation for being. I would like to say it is because I don’t want anything to do with a system that values it above all other things, and would prefer to work in a gift economy, offering my skills in return for what I need, etc.
I really loved working in the Kibbutz commune system in Israel, where we all did things for the good of the whole, doing jobs each liked or wanted, having our needs met by others doing their part in other areas, and not needing to deal with cash at all, even though the Kibbutz produced things to sell, and had some members choose to go out and earn it.
I could say all of that.
I do not always know why I do the things I do; I just find myself doing them, or not doing them, and then recognise how strange my actions could seem to those around me. I have come close to giving many times, then not done so, just letting things be as they are, letting go of the idea, not wanting to connect love and money. So I just use what I have wisely, which seems to be the right thing to do.
To share well, which many have done with me, showing me what it means to do so, isn’t lost on me. I share ideas, my time, my ability to do things, and especially my words. I’ll fetch and carry, chop wood, dig a garden, things that involve physical activity or the use of machines, especially if it isn’t easy for someone to do it by themselves. But just sharing money almost always feels wrong, and sometimes so powerfully that I cannot deny it.
I used to give to the beggars when I was in India, until I came to feel this wasn’t right either. And while I don’t see friends asking for help as beggars, I have had friends ask to borrow money, and that has eventually ended the friendship when it doesn’t get paid back, which challenges me to let the idea go of needing it to be, for the sake of the friendship, or come to realise it was actually the price I had to pay to have it end.
