I'm an expert at flirting because...

[Ereth]

That's just it, though. Some things can't be addressed immediately because you run a great risk of shutting down all conversation. Then what you're left with is a bad first impression---you'll be cut off because you shared the wrong information at the wrong time. That can happen to anybody, no matter how good of a person he or she actually is.

I know this because I've over-shared before and ended up talking to myself as a result. But I've learned from my mistakes.

 

[Dario Visconti]

Ereth, can you give any piece of advice of how to learn from mistakes and stop blurting out stuff that might bring us to a difficult situation and pass the event horizon of friendzoned? 'Cause seems to me that most NT women dislike honesty about the whims we have or the things we like. So, flirting sometimes might look like a confession of crazy lifetime experiences and scare the hell out of people who just like to hear things I don't get. I might as well be stupid, but when they say "Just be yourself", I follow it exactly but seems that worked out only in a few cases. And my mind just refuses to accept all those rules they set about the ritual of flirting, how we talk, what we can see, what to expect. It just stucks in doing the same thing over and over again without any differences and with the same result every damn time! :unsure:

 

[Daniel]

Love is a feeling, and nobody knows how other people feels. They just can guess based on his own experience, and aspies are really troubled on this.

I think that being loved means specific behaviors, so I'm asking you what ones are these behaviors that tell you that the man loves you.

I'd say it isn't a matter of "knowing" how other people feel--it's a matter of "feeling" how other people feel.

Try telling yourself that other people can feel you. That what's inside of you is not a secret place that's locked away. So if you're consumed with defensiveness, reacting with a fear or anxiety response because you've experience so much pain in previous situations--that's what your interlocutor will feel when trying to connect with you.

You want someone to like you? Enjoy THEM!!!

I'll qualify myself--my pain makes me a total narcissist! So I'm working on confronting and releasing my pain right now (little bit obsessed with it!).

I'm an expert at flirting because I treat women like completely non-sexual entities, like a cousin, or a lamp.

 

[Ereth]

Ereth, can you give any piece of advice of how to learn from mistakes and stop blurting out stuff that might bring us to a difficult situation and pass the event horizon of friendzoned? 'Cause seems to me that most NT women dislike honesty about the whims we have or the things we like. So, flirting sometimes might look like a confession of crazy lifetime experiences and scare the hell out of people who just like to hear things I don't get. I might as well be stupid, but when they say "Just be yourself", I follow it exactly but seems that worked out only in a few cases. And my mind just refuses to accept all those rules they set about the ritual of flirting, how we talk, what we can see, what to expect. It just stucks in doing the same thing over and over again without any differences and with the same result every damn time! :unsure:

Well, first of all, you have to understand that the concept of "the friend zone" creates unhealthy ideas about friendship and romance (at least in my opinion). To me, it devalues friendship and makes it seem like it's only a means to getting in someone's pants. The romantic relationships that last are the ones founded on mutual respect.

And I don't think it's fair to say that most NT women (or men, for that matter) dislike honesty . . . you should be yourself, but you have to remember that conversations are exchanges between two parties. You have to weigh what the other person is saying and doing and respond accordingly. I think there is such a thing as being too frank sometimes. I'm not saying you should lie---just that certain information is best saved for particular conversations. For example, if you're comparing favorite flavors of ice cream, you wouldn't just go out and say "I like kinky sex" or something like that, even if it's the honest truth and you want the other party to know.

 

[asnlifecoach]

Certain sexual preferences are private until the relationship escalates to the sexual realm. If you reveal certain preferences too early you run the risk of losing a friendship that may still have blossomed if the romantic did not work out. But if you don't care what people think, and it doesn't bother you there is no reason to change until it gets to a point where it affects you and what you want out of life. Just be careful. If you say something that could be considered sexual harassment to the wrong person, you could get in trouble legally.

 

[Dario Visconti]

Well, first of all, you have to understand that the concept of "the friend zone" creates unhealthy ideas about friendship and romance (at least in my opinion). To me, it devalues friendship and makes it seem like it's only a means to getting in someone's pants. The romantic relationships that last are the ones founded on mutual respect.

And I don't think it's fair to say that most NT women (or men, for that matter) dislike honesty . . . you should be yourself, but you have to remember that conversations are exchanges between two parties. You have to weigh what the other person is saying and doing and respond accordingly. I think there is such a thing as being too frank sometimes. I'm not saying you should lie---just that certain information is best saved for particular conversations. For example, if you're comparing favorite flavors of ice cream, you wouldn't just go out and say "I like kinky sex" or something like that, even if it's the honest truth and you want the other party to know.

By "friendzoned" I don't mean it literally but by the meaning it has due to the constant usage of most women, I mean the most common line in history "I prefer we stay friends". We don't actually even do that, they just go away. And of course, I'm not anything like a womanizer at all. I only had 2 relationships, the one, lasted 1 year, I ended it after 3 months of thinking it every day and the other lasted 3 years and was ended by the girl 'cause she couldn't stand my oddities. I don't blame her for that, I blame her for trying to change them. Anyways, I always thought that there is something more than sex in relationships that has to be found, so I don't want to just "get in their pants", not at all, really! I was really enthusiastic with 2 girls the last year, both ended up badly. Sometimes, I think my whims are good. They help in college and maybe my future job. But with women? Not even close! :unsure:

 

[King_Oni]

Actually don't you think it's worth getting something like that out in the open?
I mean it could save me alot of time

I think you're right. It would save you a lot of time. But then again, I usually end up discussing preferences before I end up in a relationship with someone, just to avoid frustration cause I know how much I might want to get into certain things. Not getting my fix (which, for the record does not mean I wont want to hear about the other persons interests and desires) will eventually leave me with a dysfunctional relationship.

However, and this is what you should consider; how important are your sexual preferences within any relationship? As in; if you can't have preference X, will you go out of your way to get it? Would you look for someone else and basically "cheat", even though the definition of cheating will get a bit blurry here (a scene in Pulp fiction comes to mind right now about it, heh). If you're lucky you find that partner who doesn't want any of it, but is ok that you find an activity partner for those activities.

Though I suppose a discussion about his better to be had here http://www.aspiescentral.com/adulthood-discussion/4661-do-you-have-any-fetishes.html

 

[nowwhat]

....because I don't try to, and this, ironically sometimes attracts unwanted attention.

 

[Crazi]

I used to be completely in the closet. So, in the closet I was confused as to where I was. (think the lion the witch and the wardrobe . . except not nearly as cool) Unfortunately, I REALLY am good at flirting with guys but seeing how I'm, not even attracted to them it's kind of a waste. I have NO idea as to how to flirt with girls but I suppose I haven't really had the opportunity thus far. (I only recently emerged from the sea of clothes hangers.) sooo yeah. we'll see. ('cause those are comforting words)

 

[Sparticus]

I'm an expert at flirting cause I'm still not able to know which woman likes me!!! If there are 2 or 3 women I'm talking to, I won't know which one likes me...and which ones are playing games. Aaaaauuuuuggggggh! Even if I'm talking to one woman most times I have no clue if she's interested or just being socially correct....hmmm....

But I've been rereading and rethinking Soup's advice about just being myself...being more careful who I approach, not shotgunning it [approaching lots of women as opposed to approaching women I'm really interested in] and also getting to know them first before I ask for their phone number.

Hera help me!

 

[Loomis]

I do best with women when I tell them upfront I have autism. Their typical response is that I appear normal. So I follow with a brief description of what it means to be on the spectrum and talk some about how I adapt. I believe this prepares them for the occasional awkward silence or befuddlement from me and makes them more likely to overlook my miscues. It also makes me more relaxed and less self-conscious.

 

[Loomis]

I am an expert at flirting because about 25 years ago, when I was 39 and shortly after I was married, my wife and I were visiting Los Angeles. We went to the La Brea tar pits and as I looked at an exhibit I was gently rubbing my wife's butt. To my horror I suddenly realized the woman whose butt I was rubbing was not my wife but a complete stranger. I was flummoxed and apologized profusely but she just smiled pleasantly and said it was OK that she enjoyed it.

 

[Sparticus]

Ha ha ha ha ha ha!!!! That's funny....

I am an expert at flirting because about 25 years ago, when I was 39 and shortly after I was married, my wife and I were visiting Los Angeles. We went to the La Brea tar pits and as I looked at an exhibit I was gently rubbing my wife's butt. To my horror I suddenly realized the woman whose butt I was rubbing was not my wife but a complete stranger. I was flummoxed and apologized profusely but she just smiled pleasantly and said it was OK that she enjoyed it.

 

[Ereth]

Even if I'm talking to one woman most times I have no clue if she's interested or just being socially correct....hmmm....

But I've been rereading and rethinking Soup's advice about just being myself...being more careful who I approach, not shotgunning it [approaching lots of women as opposed to approaching women I'm really interested in] and also getting to know them first before I ask for their phone number.

When in doubt, you could always just ask.

 

[Sparticus]

Great advice. I'm going to use it!

When in doubt, you could always just ask.

 

[Vanilla]

Lol, my expertise in flirting seems to be more dumb luck, than any great skills. I am an expert in flirting, because I supposedly do so, without meaning to (which can get me in to all sorts of awkward situations). It's odd how people can often misunderstand a friendly smile, or helpful gesture, for a sign of interest

 

[wyverary]

Lol, my expertise in flirting seems to be more dumb luck, than any great skills. I am an expert in flirting, because I supposedly do so, without meaning to (which can get me in to all sorts of awkward situations). It's odd how people can often misunderstand a friendly smile, or helpful gesture, for a sign of interest

So maybe "savant" would be a better word than "expert"?

 

[Judge]

It's odd how people can often misunderstand a friendly smile, or helpful gesture, for a sign of interest

Not as odd as you might think. Sex is the great equalizer. If you have it on your mind at any given time, it's likely to skew any non-verbal communication aimed in their direction. No matter what their neurological profile may be.

That said, you have to wonder how often people think about sex. Of course it's probably more often when you have two heads rather than only one.

 

[Vanilla]

Not as odd as you might think. Sex is the great equalizer. If you have it on your mind at any given time, it's likely to skew any non-verbal communication aimed in their direction. No matter what their neurological profile may be.

That said, you have to wonder how often people think about sex. Of course it's probably more often when you have two heads rather than only one.

Yeah, I know that...now, lol. It's actually not so much a problem now, as I'm an adult, and have learned how to recognise when a person is interested.

It was more an issue when I was younger, because I simply had no idea. I was completely oblivious, and would often believe guys who told me they simply "wanted to be friends". I kind of had a double handicap though when it came to reading social cues; being an Aspie, and being asexual. Since I was never interested in anyone myself, it didn't dawn on me that others would be interested in me, til later. I know that sounds odd, but it's just how my brain is programmed I guess

 

[Judge]

Since I was never interested in anyone myself, it didn't dawn on me that others would be interested in me, til later. I know that sounds odd, but it's just how my brain is programmed I guess

Aspie logic. Doesn't sound "odd" to me.