Ignorant Parents?

[Alexz7272]

Hello,

So until recently I was unaware that my partner has aspergers. It was something he had been taught to not acknowledge. I finally got the truth out of him as we have started planning our future together. A little back story, according to him, I knew that he was tested for dyslexia in college and it was considered severe. His father had mentioned to me before that he had been tested for other like differences (I hate to say disorders and I do not know the correct terminology, I truly am sorry), after we were joking around that he had ADD cause he jumped from thing to another. His father told me that he tested for something but they refused to give him medication or counseling as a child. Wasn't my place to say anything so I did not. Well when he told me recently about him 'possibly' having aspergers it all sorta made sense. He told me that when he was in elementary school he had been tested and placed into a 'special' class for portions of the day, maybe the whole day not 100%. His parents were unhappy that he was with the 'stupid' kids, removed him and placed him in private school. He went back to public school in high school where they wanted to test him again but his parents refused. Now my significant other is absolutely BRILLIANT. He is a mechanical and electrical engineer and we run our own small business on top of our 'normal' jobs, doing consulting and literally creating inventions, there is no stopping his mind, he always has a creation. He is extremely high functioning. Now that I know, I completely understand much more the way he acts and I now know how to work on us to keep us moving forward. But there is one thing I am hung up on, his parents ignorance. One of his cousins is also a high functioning aspie, although his is full blown whereas my significant others is not to the same full spectrum. It concerns, and upsets me, that his parents, knowing that his cousin has it and it runs in the family apparently, would be so stand-offish in the matter. It was explained to me that they refused any type of helped offered (based on as well as my S.O. could remember as a child). Am I crazy for being upset that they saw the signs but never allowed him access to consulting or anything to help him learn coping skills specific to how his brain works? It has been really itching at me and I feel that they did him a major disservice and did not take his well-being into consideration. With that being said, there is absolutely no way I am leaving him and I will continue to do everything I can to help and continue forward. I just cannot believe his parents could not care as much when he was a child. Hope I am not crazy for being rather unhappy.

 

[wyverary]

I could be misinterpreting your post, so forgive me if I am.

In my own experience with my own parents, it's not that they were in denial or had any malicious intent. They did the usual thing that one would do with an NT child--force me into team sports, little league baseball, what have you. I think they were simply not equipped to recognize, or to deal with, my "special needs." Times have changed since the 80s and early 90s, yes, and I was finally diagnosed at the age of 16 after being referred to a psychologist by a resident psychiatrist following an in-patient stint. I don't know how long it took my parents to come around, but I think, by now, many years later, they have accepted it.

In short...I'm trying to say, there could be more factors involved with your SO's parents, that extend into both the culture in which they were raised and perhaps their ignorance of the progress we've made in spotting certain conditions, and how to best guide our children into navigating a world which may not be so receptive to those conditions.

If nothing else, it seems like you, at least, are very open, and accepting of your SO's condition. For that, I applaud you, and I hope you can continue to support them as they need, and maybe parental acceptance isn't necessarily essential essential at this point.

Best,
wyv

 

[hurtloam]

Similar thing happened with one of my cousins. Again an 80s/90s experience. I think that the parents feel like the teachers are saying that there is something wrong with them and feel affronted by it, like there is something wrong with their gene pool. Not much you can do about it now. In the past people were not as accepting of differences and viewed them as shameful, but thankfully things are changing. It is possibly a generational issue.

Anyway, you sound like you are very supportive and understanding which is great.

 

[Etzelaire]

My parents have never supported me. Now I'm 20 taking a course from 8:30 to 15:00, getting my degree meanwhile without going to class and working in the afternoon from 18:00 to 22:30. In addition let me explain I have a 2 hours' journey to go to the course so I wake up at 5:45. And go to sleep at 23:30 right after supper. On the other hand my brother is now 22, he's neither studying nor working and my parents give him money every week for him to waste in nonsense. But he is so normal and I am the awkward one at home. I'm craving for finishing the course and earn the money I need to move to my own place.

 

[AsheSkyler]

It had been implied a few times I had ADD as a kid, but my parents were highly against drugging me up and my understood I was just very bored because my work was too easy. If that was a similar case with his family, I can understand their reluctance. If he was as brilliant as a kid as he is as an adult, and the special classes were for the slow kids instead of those who needed something challenging, they might have forced the school to keep him in the most difficult classes they could so he wouldn't suffer from it. (Kind of like how my third grade teacher didn't give us math to do, was known cause learning deficits that would catch up with the kids later on, and the board wouldn't do anything about her. Which is why I was homeschooled for the duration of my education in the first place.) And perhaps they think he's mild enough he just needs some "tough love"? Or they could indeed be somewhat ashamed of him having autism. I dunno, I'm just guessing. If there's a good chance they'll be in-laws someday (or already are) maybe you can simply ask them of their motive.