if your clothing, haircut and smell were impacting your dating life ...

[ZaphodsCloset]

... would you want to know? And if so, how would you want it broken to you?

Let's say you'd had reasonable success in your dating life, maybe better than some NTs. But that now you'd been single for a while.

If friends had the impression you could improve your chances by getting haircuts regularly, choosing different clothing in some areas, and doing something about a smell they notice on you 80% of the time and which is a source of fairly intense unpleasantness 40% of those times... would this be something you'd want to hear from them? Or are these filters that make sense in getting you the kind of dates that work best for you?

 

[Aspergirl4hire]

Yes, and I'd also do something immediately about my presentation: hair and smell especially. If you look uncared for, that will turn people off regardless of whether they're on the spectrum or not. Worse...your social reputation will also suffer if those are the attributes that people notice and discuss.

 

[King_Oni]

There are a few factors I'd like to know, but some factors, even if I'd know, they wouldn't really do much in terms of change.

Yes, if I would smell and therefore drive people away, I'd like to hear so, but my clothing, haircut and overall appearance are part of my identity, most likely on purpose. But I might be a bit more "aware" of my appearance in that sense. But some factors are just a bit harder to "change"

How and if I'd like someone to tell me? I don't mind people telling me, but in my personal experience I found that it's all filled with personal bias and them simply not having a preference to something rather than a proper argument that I might, for instance, look like I'm not taking care of myself. The opposite is quite true and usually look the part, so their reasoning is based on preference.

 

[AsheSkyler]

I keep myself clean, so I'm not concerned. And even if I didn't, I'd rather come to that conclusion on my own on what I needed to change and how. My experience with most people is that they have a terrible sense of taste and are usually way off the mark in giving me advice.
Them: "See? I told you it wouldn't hurt if you did it! "
Me: "Then why am I bleeding through three bandaids? "

My list of determining a person a decent source of advice is longer than my list of qualifications when I was hunting a mate.

 

[Harrison]

Like Ashe I keep myself clean to my own standards, which tend towards being overly critical. My manager recently asked me why I had ordered so many relacement uniforms so I pointed out that I wore a clean set everyday as I believed it promoted a good public image. He just signed it off and let me get on with it.

 

[Suzanne]

I just cannot be dirty and so, this would never be an issue with me and plus, I have a husband who would tell me.

It is very difficult to know, because in one aspect, it would be horrible to not be told something is wrong, but at the same time, crush me, so that question remains unanswered from me.

I did lose my sense of smell and taste, for a whole year and that caused much distress and I became paranoid about smells. Because I could not smell anything, I imaged I smelt awful, despite still washing.

Now, I am hyper sensitive and hate it.

 

[Ellylldan]

Well, I didn't care at all about clothes and personal hygiene up to the high school age, more or less. I was always clean but, I guess, only because my parents were insisting and controlling, so the smell was never an issue. I didn't care what I was wearing and yeah, in school I was teased because of it, mostly by girls who were all about showing off. Then later I became nearly obsessed with personal hygiene, now it's balanced but still I am very critical with myself about it. But my choice in clothing was questionable for most people quite for some time.

Oh, and my hair! My parents never let me cut my hair. I had really a lot of hair and very long, and my parents were very proud of it. I hated it to death. I wasn't allowed even to have a fringe. The hair issue made me feel even less confident, if I can even use this word here, as there was no any self-confidence whatsoever. Now, out of the parents' house, I can choose to have long or short hair and still, and when I cut it, my dad can't keep himself from disagreeing, mom let it go finally.

 

[epath13]

I'm not sure if I understand the question. I presume if you've been taking care of yourself you would notice that you smell, or if there's something is wrong with your hair... unless you are severely depressed or developed a mental illness. If it's a style issue, maybe you hear the advice and the reasons behind it and make a decision whether it is something you want to address. I've never received any style advice from anybody but my mom and my husband. Both of them have pretty good sense of style. Sometimes their advice did annoy the hell out of me but most of the time it was good. As for cleanliness, I was taught as a child how to take care of mysrlf, the rest i learned from magazines and stuff I did have a friend (not even close to being on the spectrum) who was clueless. My mom told her what to do, she hated it 1st but then began to appreciate it
Let me put it this way, if I developed some mental illness or neurological disease and stopped taking care of myself or didn't notice it, I would want to know 100% I wouldn't want people to ignore it, other than that the situation wouldn't apply to me unless I was clueless in the 1st place.

 

[ZaphodsCloset]

Thanks, all.

AspieFriend smells unpleasant about 80% of the time. Pretty sure he showers every day, so it's probably his clothing especially outerwear, and he walks a lot so he he could put on a clean shirt under a not-so-clean jacket and by the time he arrives, smell pretty gamey. My (male, mostly oblivious) housemate doesn't want him coming over here again unless the smell is addressed.

Hair-wise, he's often sporting a spare-tire-halo around very big bald spot look. Which personally doesn't bother me one whit, but if he's trying to date, maybe it's worth getting a decent haircut regularly.

In my personal experience, I've found appearance & hygiene improvements easy enough to make (and to request) once in a relationship, if both parties find the other sufficiently attractive to get there in the first place. BF and I both made some big changes (which we maintain, years later) to please the other (e.g. hair color for me, salon mani/pedi for him regularly). But in AspieFriend's case, the smell (accompanied by layers of very worn outerwear) and the odd hair (he cuts his own) might be a tick too ripe & quirky for a lot of women to make it through a first date.

That, and the plastic pocket protector and the calculator watch. Both of which I think are funny, and I would have dated BF anyway if he'd been wearing these semi-ironically when we met (but smelled OK, been in decent clothing and had an OK haircut). In AspieFriend's case, there's zero irony.

AspieFriend has dated more total people than I have, so maybe he's on the right track and I'll keep saying little or nothing, and meeting him in well-ventilated places.

 

[zurb]

I had a friend way back at high school who always had a bad smell. I know he knew because he was often teased because of it, and even had a nickname based on the smell. But he made no bones of the fact that he hated baths and activity avoided them.

 

[AsheSkyler]

Thanks, all.

AspieFriend smells unpleasant about 80% of the time. Pretty sure he showers every day, so it's probably his clothing especially outerwear, and he walks a lot so he he could put on a clean shirt under a not-so-clean jacket and by the time he arrives, smell pretty gamey. My (male, mostly oblivious) housemate doesn't want him coming over here again unless the smell is addressed.

Hair-wise, he's often sporting a spare-tire-halo around very big bald spot look. Which personally doesn't bother me one whit, but if he's trying to date, maybe it's worth getting a decent haircut regularly.

In my personal experience, I've found appearance & hygiene improvements easy enough to make (and to request) once in a relationship, if both parties find the other sufficiently attractive to get there in the first place. BF and I both made some big changes (which we maintain, years later) to please the other (e.g. hair color for me, salon mani/pedi for him regularly). But in AspieFriend's case, the smell (accompanied by layers of very worn outerwear) and the odd hair (he cuts his own) might be a tick too ripe & quirky for a lot of women to make it through a first date.

That, and the plastic pocket protector and the calculator watch. Both of which I think are funny, and I would have dated BF anyway if he'd been wearing these semi-ironically when we met (but smelled OK, been in decent clothing and had an OK haircut). In AspieFriend's case, there's zero irony.

AspieFriend has dated more total people than I have, so maybe he's on the right track and I'll keep saying little or nothing, and meeting him in well-ventilated places.

That does sound unpleasant. If that were me, the safest route to breaking it to me would be the same marketing attempts in commercials. Maybe casually mention how when you find an article of clothing you enjoy, you buy lots and lots of pairs at once so you don't have to worry about whether it's in the wash or not. BO may not be as offensive as loud perfume/cologne, but that doesn't make it any more pleasant to inhale.

My husband and I both keep longer hair for the other's sake. I did want my long hair back because I missed my braid, but I purposely started growing it out again because he likes long hair on women. And I'm not a big fan of buzzcuts or really short hair on guys, so he keeps his 2"-3" long just for me.

 

[zurb]

I'm not saying you are, but be careful of not projecting a patronizing or paternalistic better than thou, or making him a personal project. You'll probably have more effect (though maybe slower) by being a genuine friend and valuing him for who he is. You may find as his self esteem and awareness increases, so will his desire to be presentable.

 

[ZaphodsCloset]

I'm not saying you are, but be careful of not projecting a patronizing or paternalistic better than thou, or making him a personal project. You'll probably have more effect (though maybe slower) by being a genuine friend and valuing him for who he is. You may find as his self esteem and awareness increases, so will his desire to be presentable.

Oh, you're right on Zurb. I worried about that as I wrote it. It's to the point where the smell restricts where I can meet him. So in that sense, I don't know how to get around "Project Reduced Odor" if we're to continue in-person friendship.

Honestly I wonder why he values *my* friendship at all. His definition of good conversation is a simultaneous firehose-style style; I can't handle that at all, especially not when it seems the speaker is just dumping everything that crosses their mind. So he's constantly biting his tongue and saying less than 1% of what he'd like to. That's got to be extremely frustrating and unfulfilling for him.

 

[Spiller]

I seem to lack an ability to emulate others' appearance, clothing/hair style/grooming and various tips and tricks.. I bathed once a week on a sunday night when I was a kid, as my parents instructed, but if I smelt during my teens, no-one ever told me; fortunately there, I developed a love of frequent, extremely long, luxurious baths, which inadvertently solved that problem.
I didn't understand hair styles, clothes sizes, deodourant or aftershave until a friend asked why I always wore such baggy clothes and looked so scruffy five years ago.. imagine ignoring your hair all your life because you don't know what to do with it, it was knotty and down to my waist; I always thought people just rolled out of bed looking fantastic and I was just the unlucky mutant throwback! Imagine wearing 36" jeans with a 28" waist and XXXl T-shirts.. all I knew was , they fitted.
I would owe my friend a debt of gratitude.. if she hadn't begged £5000 and buggered off, so I consider the debt paid, zero animosity.. and if she ever reads this, I'll say, truthfully and gratefully "Thank you so much for what you've done for me, you've changed my life!"
People don't avoid me now, people talk to me, I have friends, I may be at the start of a budding relationship.
Elsewhere, I mentioned that I had an Apocalyptic Burnout that has, by definition, made my world a different place.. this new world I live in contains a hopeful future, so I have hope, faith and a goal.. so this is what it feels like
I say, If anyone knows someone like I was, tell them, as kindly as possible (don't be diplomatic, all you NT's, that goes right over an Aspies head!) that there are simple, albeit time consuming, but worthwhile things they can do to help themselves along, to be happier in their lives.. and keep telling them! If they're your friend and you value them, keep telling them! Hell, go round and cut their hair and take 'em out clothes shopping!
I'm still not sure about plucking nose hairs though, though I do submit to the tortuous necessity.. I personally believe grooming styles should change such that they could, say, be platted into a moustache or a little front pony tail; I'm sure though, that many, especially women have their own hates
Also, for all those Aspies who don't like mirrors, check anyway for those half oz sleep grolleys in the corner of your eye, they occur during the day as well as when you're asleep (for me, the sandman just joined Santa and the Easter Bunny in Lying-to-your-kids Grownup Land).. quite an offputting sight to the romantic interest!
..And get into the habit of paying attention to and limiting, the amount of saliva in your mouth, as it tends to.. express, when you're animated during conversation; rather unpleasant for others I've noticed, while attending Aspie groups!
Ear wax! When you wash your hair, wiggle your flannel in and behind your ears..
.. Hang on, looking back at the text skyscraper so far, this is going on a bit, I'll save it for a book "Grooming for Aspies and Auties"