If I Don't See Someone for a While...

[Fino]

It feels like they don't exist anymore. It's kind of hard to explain, unless you can relate and already know exactly what I mean. I know they exist, sometimes I'm even texting with them, but there's this strange feeling of disconnect where they don't feel entirely real. Can anyone relate to this? I'm curious to know if this is at all related to Autism or if it's something to do with one of my other pathologies.

Thank you in advance! You guys are awesome!

 

[Progster]

This is the case for me if I'm not emotionally attached to people, and there are very few people in life to whom I can claim emotional attachment, and I don't "miss" people the way other people do. I don't get all emotional over memories or photos Edit: I'm indifferent to photos of people... it's not how I relate to people. I suppose that is the reason why people have photos, because they want to maintain the emotional connection, but it doesn't work for me.

 

[Autistamatic]

I know exactly what you mean - a kind of extreme form of "out of sight, out of mind" if you will.
The weird thing for me is that whilst they never turn up in my conscious thoughts, they do turn up in my dreams. I often dream very vividly which can wake me up sometimes. Last night I had such a dream involving one of my exes, who never crossed my thoughts at any other time.

 

[Loren]

I think it's a prominent AS trait, from what I've read, although, I can miss a person, horribly, if I've formed a bond or connection with them, to any degree, and, particularly, if the person has made their way into my heart.

 

[Monachopia]

I've had this for quite a while and I don't really know why I just don't feel attached to people. It wasn't present when I was a child, so I put it down to a manifestation of depression. But as someone else has said, it seems not to affect really close bonds, so I wouldn't have noticed it at that time.

Whatever the case may be, I know I feel what you feel now, and have done for all of my adult years. Maybe it's an autistic thing. Maybe a combination of coping with loss, hurt and depression. When I describe to people that if they go away for a bit, I don't miss them and almost forget they exist, they don't get it and think it's weird. Even people who I start forming bonds with. Of course, I pretend I've missed them when they turn up again, I wouldn't want to hurt other people's feelings... But I do feel like a bit of a liar.

I'm really glad you've brought this up, I always wondered if there's something terribly broken inside and I'm just a cold-hearted b*tch. I keep learning so much here and realising that maybe I'm not such a terrible human being.

-

I think it's a prominent AS trait, from what I've read

That's really interesting, do you have any sources by any chance?

 

[Crossbreed]

On a related note, I notice that my face-blindness gets worse, the longer (weeks?/months/years) that I don't see somebody.

 

[Loren]

I've had this for quite a while and I don't really know why I just don't feel attached to people. It wasn't present when I was a child, so I put it down to a manifestation of depression. But as someone else has said, it seems not to affect really close bonds, so I wouldn't have noticed it at that time.

Whatever the case may be, I know I feel what you feel now, and have done for all of my adult years. Maybe it's an autistic thing. Maybe a combination of coping with loss, hurt and depression. When I describe to people that if they go away for a bit, I don't miss them and almost forget they exist, they don't get it and think it's weird. Even people who I start forming bonds with. Of course, I pretend I've missed them when they turn up again, I wouldn't want to hurt other people's feelings... But I do feel like a bit of a liar.

I'm really glad you've brought this up, I always wondered if there's something terribly broken inside and I'm just a cold-hearted b*tch. I keep learning so much here and realising that maybe I'm not such a terrible human being.

-

That's really interesting, do you have any sources by any chance?

I posted an article, however, it did not seem to link properly. The Alexithymia website was one of the sources. It is said to be a component of alexithymia, of which, is said to be a prominent characteristic of AS/ASD, although, not all autistic people are Alexithymic.

 

[WereBear]

I just looked up Alexithymic, and I would say I have seen a LOT of it in NTs as well, especially in teens and immature adults.

Our society should make a bigger deal over recognizing, identifying, and dealing with emotions.

 

[Bella Pines]

I've looked into Alexithymia, but for me I think it's more of a compartmentalization thing.

I have the same, not just with people but with pretty much everything. Literally out of sight, out of mind. This comes in REALLY handy with trauma or mistakes. I know that I just have to do something else for 3 days or so and whatever it is fades. I don't think it's as extreme as Alexithymia, it's more that I compartmentalize things and people really really well in boxes in my mind and I'm also naturally detached.

 

[Monachopia]

I posted an article, however, it did not seem to link properly. The Alexithymia website was one of the sources. It is said to be a component of alexithymia, of which, is said to be a prominent characteristic of AS/ASD, although, not all autistic people are Alexithymic.

Thank you, it was informative I looked it up... I don't think I have this though, I'm not sure if it's learned, but I can identify emotions in myself and others. While I might not be able to describe it in human words as they're image based, I usually know how others might feel in a situation too. Now, whether I feel anything for those humans expressing something, that's a whole another matter, I'm pretty emotion-detached, if I'm offering emotional help, it's usually from a practical and logical place, but with understanding of how they might be feeling. Empathetic, but not sympathetic, as it were.

Having said that, I can see how it could relate to the observation in the original post - as one would need to know what it feels like to miss someone to give weight to someone else missing them. But then comes the depressive thought - am I even worth missing at all? - so I shut that possibility out completely. I think, I'm more in line with @Bella Pines, in that, people have their category box of where they belong and it's sort of a way of coping, to detach and make people vanish from thoughts not to replay embarrassment, mistakes, or anything else.

 

[OkRad]

If I form a deep connection, I do miss them. I have to incorporated their absence into my life, of course, but no, for me, it's not out of sight, out of mind. It's can be just another layer of sadness which I can fight and hope to ignore. Or I can use the memories and feelings to protect me from it happening again.

Or I can remind myself of the good things that interchanged between the person and myself and know that past is always safe, the safest part of us because it never changes. How cool to have good memories? I hope I can cherish all of them and never forget the good.

 

[Pats]

This is the case for me if I'm not emotionally attached to people, and there are very few people in life to whom I can claim emotional attachment, and I don't "miss" people the way other people do. I don't get all emotional over memories or photos Edit: I'm indifferent to photos of people... it's not how I relate to people. I suppose that is the reason why people have photos, because they want to maintain the emotional connection, but it doesn't work for me.

I agree except the photos. I have way too many photos, but my photos are of places and only those I consider myself close to. I actually think that's how I better remember their faces because I remember the photo pictures when I think of them.

 

[Pats]

The longer I go without seeing someone the stranger they feel. There's a few childhood friends I connect with on facebook and actually enjoy that, but I never let them know if I'm in that area because I don't want to actually see them and if I do happen to see them, it's even worse then trying to talk to a stranger because it's a stranger who thinks they're a close friend. There's one person in particular that comes to NC to all the furniture markets and will let me know they're going to be close by and I always find an excuse to not be able to get with them (shoot. I'm going to be out of town that weekend). Is it strange that I can be friends with someone easier if I don't have to see them?
I miss my mom at times and I'll miss my kids and grandkids, but other than that I don't miss people. I don't miss my siblings.

 

[Judge]

Absolutely. Happened when I finally quit a job I had for nearly two decades. Where I had become accustomed to socially dealing with the same people all the time.

So when I left, a few months later I ran into someone who used to work only a few feet from my workstation. And for the life of me, I had no idea who she was.

Grateful so many years later to be able to put that awkward incident into proper perspective. But still, it disturbs me that it even happened.

 

[Loren]

Thank you, it was informative I looked it up... I don't think I have this though, I'm not sure if it's learned, but I can identify emotions in myself and others. While I might not be able to describe it in human words as they're image based, I usually know how others might feel in a situation too. Now, whether I feel anything for those humans expressing something, that's a whole another matter, I'm pretty emotion-detached, if I'm offering emotional help, it's usually from a practical and logical place, but with understanding of how they might be feeling. Empathetic, but not sympathetic, as it were.

Having said that, I can see how it could relate to the observation in the original post - as one would need to know what it feels like to miss someone to give weight to someone else missing them. But then comes the depressive thought - am I even worth missing at all? - so I shut that possibility out completely. I think, I'm more in line with @Bella Pines, in that, people have their category box of where they belong and it's sort of a way of coping, to detach and make people vanish from thoughts not to replay embarrassment, mistakes, or anything else.

I experience few of the traits, and, like you, I easily, identify emotions in myself and others, yet, I can have immense difficulty translating my emotions into words, and this is mentioned as a component of Alexithymia, although, I am not considered to be alexithymic. In contrast to you, I form deep connections/ attachments, although, this only occurs if the person possesses/exudes certain character traits. The way I feel towards a person may only come across, or, come accross appropriately, in my actions, not words, however.

Like AS, no two Alexithymics are, necessarily, alike. I have an acquaintance/friend who has an Alexithymia diagnoses and, of whom is on the opposite end of the spectrum, and doesn't feel anything. He doesn't experience emotions, nor, does he feel physical pain, nor hunger. He also has an AS diagnosis. Alexithymia is not exclusive to ASD, and, not all people on the ASD spectrum are alexithymic. Like ASD, a person can have few traits/ many traits/ traits to varying degrees.

The reason for mentioning the website, was that I read a post on the website's forum that made mention of the poster's lack of missing people he no longer has contact with. He doesn't experience grief with loss of a loved one, and attributes it to Alexithymia. I have also read about it in literature I've happened upon, pertaining to AS/ASD.

 

[Theta.G]

If you're in your mid 20's or later this is pretty common. For all.
I say mid 20's or later because that's usually when people don't party as much and dig deeper into work or family. Health issues. Whatever else.

the same principle of losing friendships apply to gaining them.

When making new friends you have to hang out with them a few times after the first initial meet then familiarity will be built up to establish a feeling of fondness. If your an adult then a few times within a couple months is acceptable but if this is spaced out over 6 to 12 months or more the chance of bonding becomes unlikely.

When losing friends it typically starts with 1 cancelled hang out session. From there people start prioritizing other things as familiarity declines. The job, project, or errands become more important than seeing the friend.

It's kinda strange. With the former... if you had work the next day you would still prioritize hanging out with your friend even for a little bit.
With the latter (state of decline) you would prioritize your sleep or anything else over hanging out with them.

I see it on Facebook all the time. When people ask to hang out. "Oh, i can't i got this dinner... or whatever other excuse... it won't work" (decline)
It's very rare that i see easy solutions such as... "Hey i got this dinner but you should totally come with me!" "Ok"

Some people think because they haven't hung out with their bestie they haven't seen in 3 years they're still friends... but if they haven't been there for you in 3 years and you haven't been there for them in 3 years how can you call that a friendship? Many people think like this and it's largely based off of memories unless they keep in contact regularly. A lot can change in 3 years.

 

[Loren]

If you're in your mid 20's or later this is pretty common. For all.
I say mid 20's or later because that's usually when people don't party as much and dig deeper into work or family. Whatever else.

the same principle of losing friendships apply to gaining them.

When making new friends you have to hang out with them a few times after the first initial meet then familiarity will be built up to establish a feeling of fondness. If your an adult then a few times within a couple months is acceptable but if this is spaced out over 6 to 12 months or more the chance of bonding becomes unlikely.

When losing friends it typically starts with 1 cancelled hang out session. From there people start prioritizing other things as familiarity declines. The job, project, or errands become more important than seeing the friend.

It's kinda strange. With the former... if you had work the next day you would still prioritize hanging out with your friend even for a little bit.
With the latter (state of decline) you would prioritize your sleep or anything else over hanging out with them.

I see it on Facebook all the time. When people ask to hang out. "Oh, i can't i got this dinner... or whatever other excuse... it won't work" (decline)
It's very rare that i see easy solutions such as... "Hey i got this dinner but you should totally come with me!" "Ok"

Exactly! I don't have facebook, but, I have experienced what you've described, verbatim.

 

[Loren]

I just read what you edited into your post. I think this could depend on the person/people involved. My own experience has been that I can easily pick up where the friendship left off, despite extensive periods of time between interactions. Unless, of course, we intentionally, parted ways due to unfavorable conditions or the like.

 

[Theta.G]

I just read what you edited into your post. I think this could depend on the person/people involved. My own experience has been that I can easily pick up where the friendship left off, despite an extensive period of time between interactions. Unless, of course, we intentionally, parted ways due to unfavorable conditions or the like.

That is true, but then wouldn't that just be mean you have fond memories of the person and they have fond memories of you instead of being best friends during that prolonged lack of contact? My way of thinking is pretty different from most but i do have friends that still view me as this best bro... Haven't seen some people for 8 years yet when we talked recently they act like no time was lost. It's a little unsettling... This is probably related to trauma though.

 

[Loren]

That is true, but then wouldn't that just be mean you have fond memories of the person and they have fond memories of you instead of being best friends during that prolonged lack of contact? My way of thinking is pretty different from most but i do have friends that still view me as this best bro... Haven't seen some people for 8 years yet when we talked recently they act like no time was lost. It's a little unsettling... This is probably related to trauma though.

I empathize with you, as I can recall experiencing the same response, after trauma that involved being ostracized, among other things, but, I don't, normally, perceive the lack of time spent interacting, as mean or negative in any way. If you were to express to me, how you feel, it would be important to me to make you feel secure /safe/ happy, however, under normal circumstances, I, personally, don't need to have contact with a friend, in order to feel or perceive the friendship in the same way I had, at the time of our last encounter.

edit: I apologize, as I am realizing that I may have misinterpreted some of what you had expressed, and, in turn, my reply may have seemed or been out of context. I am hoping I didn't come off as insensitive. Will be pondering.