Ideal Age Difference

[Gomendosi]

So you meet somebody, you feel an attraction but it turns out he is 20 years younger, who says it can't work? What if you meet somebody who is really awesome, but she is 10 years younger, would that be better? More acceptable now there are fewer years divide? Older, younger or exact same to the day like twins, you don't know when love will strike you, or even just lust, so what do you think is the ideal age difference?
Is it higher on your side, lower, by how many years and what factors do you consider into the equation?

 

[Ste11aeres]

I think the most important thing is that the two people are at the same level of intellectual/emotional maturity. People are more likely to be at the same stage of maturity if they are at a similar chronological age.

One thing that seems really sad about a huge gap is the probability of the older person dying sooner.

 

[King_Oni]

The implication that seems to be around with age as well is legal issues.

One of the couple being a minor (by law) tends to create a lot of issues in quite some places, regardless on how mature you might feel you are. That's a big red light concerning age for you right there.

On the other hand, one can wonder, that if you're 30+ and dating a 15 year old, what exactly is going on here. Quite often it's not for the emotional/intellectual match.

I can't say anything about ideal age though. I've dated people on a relatively wide scale of age. For me it really depended on the person in question. And what I've also experienced is that people can mature in a different way than yourself, which essentially tends to be this notion of "growing apart".

 

[shakeitup94]

So long as everyone's adults I think it's ok. If you're ok and they're ok then who cares what everyone else thinks. Personally, and I'm a female btw, youngest I've dated is 6 months and oldest was 5 years more.

 

[Paige]

at least a couple of years older than me.

 

[Archer36]

Age difference is personal to each person in my opinion ... My co-worker is married to a man almost 30 years older than her ... and they are both super happy and out-going.

In my case, i'm 36, but I admit that I have the maturity of a 20-25yo ... its just a bit harder to date people my age ... it just doesn't feel right ... but I understand really well that I have to be careful around younger people ... If I try to flirt a 23yo person, it really does not look good. I only do when the stars are really well aligned. Else I just refrain to do it and just try to be normal friendly.

 

[Turk]

My wife is 5 years younger. Its been the social norm for the guy to be a little older because women generally mature earlier than men. Its by no means a hard and fast rule though. As most have said guaging the maturity gap, is all you really need.
My sister married her high school chemistry teacher. Eeeeeek Nearly 20 years between them. Needless to say her straight A's in chemistry, I have deemed invalid. Lol

 

[Ceciliadlibitum]

My mother always said that I was already grown up at 3. No wonder I never liked boys my age and eventually ended up in a relationship with my former teacher who's 14 years older.

The only difference I notice is that he has a steady job and I'm just beginning to find my independence. But we have great communication and make it all work. He even tells me when I'm using 'being Aspie' as an excuse and encourages me to try new things, even though in the end he's always there when I really need him.

 

[Flinty]

Believe it or not, there exists a simple mathematical formula to determine whether it's the proverbial robbing of the cradle: if they're younger than half your age plus 7 ((A/2)+7), you're a robber.

I'm running out of time to find someone in their twenties. Well, I would be if I cared.

 

[Tarragon]

That hits very close to home, King. My dad's second wife was 15 and he was 35. He was a cop working narcotics at the local high school and she was an informer. They got married when she turned 16. When we'd go out, it looked like dad and the kids since she's only six years older than me. Had my grandmother not been so powerful, he would have lost his job and gone to prison. It did keep him from ever becoming Chief. His second wife was good to him, though, and stayed with him through his illness until he died. I can't imagine being a widow at 19.

Wow, well that stops the flippant comments I was about to make. Tbh, who cares about age differences? Other people's opinions. And who gives a stuff about them? I suppose getting married legally is fine, so what's the big deal. Life is too short, and if it makes you happy....

Why are NT's obsessed with telling other people what to do?? Or indeed anyone for that matter...

 

[Ste11aeres]

That hits very close to home, King. My dad's second wife was 15 and he was 35. He was a cop working narcotics at the local high school and she was an informer. They got married when she turned 16. When we'd go out, it looked like dad and the kids since she's only six years older than me. Had my grandmother not been so powerful, he would have lost his job and gone to prison. It did keep him from ever becoming Chief. His second wife was good to him, though, and stayed with him through his illness until he died. I can't imagine being a widow at 19.

There's a huge difference between someone who's 35, and someone who's 15. There's not the same degree of difference between someone who's 35 and someone who's 55, even though there's the same number of actual years between them.

 

[nosouvenirs]

I tend to be the most attracted to people who are older than I am -- I think this is because I am old for my age, mentally at least. I need someone who can interact me on my mental age level. With men I have found that I tend to be more attracted to those who are at least 5-10 years older; with women I am most readily attracted to those who are minimally a year or two older than me. And I CANNOT handle people under, say, about 23 or 24 at this point. (I am 27.)

 

[nosouvenirs]

I think the most important thing is that the two people are at the same level of intellectual/emotional maturity. People are more likely to be at the same stage of maturity if they are at a similar chronological age.

One thing that seems really sad about a huge gap is the probability of the older person dying sooner.

I actually had a friend who was in her early to mid 20s who was in a relationship with a woman at least 30 years older than her (it could be a good bit more; I was never sure of her partner's age). A year or two after they made things official, and after my young friend had moved in with her partner, etc, her partner (we'll call her A) was hospitalized for two weeks only for them to discover that A had very advanced liver cancer. She literally died within two days of being diagnosed. My friend and A were married not even half a day before A died, in the hospital, so at the ripe age of <25, my friend became a widow, and had also inherited stepchildren, stepgrandchildren, a house, and pets. She was lucky when it came to the family, though, because they helped her through an immensely difficult time, and continue to do so.

There was absolutely nothing wrong with their relationship; they were both exceptionally happy, and nobody expected A to die nearly as young as she did.

 

[Christy]

I tend to be the most attracted to people who are older than I am -- I think this is because I am old for my age, mentally at least. I need someone who can interact me on my mental age level. With men I have found that I tend to be more attracted to those who are at least 5-10 years older; with women I am most readily attracted to those who are minimally a year or two older than me. And I CANNOT handle people under, say, about 23 or 24 at this point. (I am 27.)

I'm now 31 and have always been attracted to men 5 to 10 years older than myself. As for what is considered acceptable, so many things factor in. I look young for my age, so while it may be acceptable for me to date a man 5 to 10 years older, unfortunately the age gap will look much larger. I get odd looks from strangers sometimes when I'm with my boyfriend.

 

[Ste11aeres]

While it's one thing when two people who are different ages meet and realize the other person's awesome and they want to be together...people who purposely try to meet and date people a lot younger than they are (when it's not that they met an awesome individual, not they're just going around looking at people in a younger age group) are kind of creepy. When I was 26-27, I received a lot of unwanted attentions from guys like that in their fifties or sixties. Since they were total strangers, and didn't know me as a person, it was clear that it wasn't because they were won over by my awesome personality. The thing is, people always thought I was younger than I was, so rather than knowing they were interested in a 27 year old, they probably thought they were interested in a 19 year old.

 

[Judge]

I once worked for a man who was married to a much younger wife by about twenty years. Coaching competitive swimming he also spent a lot of time with teenage girls. Eventually it turned out he was doing more than spending time with them in the pool and he was divorced by his younger wife. He always seemed to be preoccupied about sex in one way or another. At one point his appetites got him in trouble with the law.

They were the only couple I've ever known with such an age difference. Needless to say I wasn't impressed with the idea...

 

[Nolan1971]

When I was in my teens I liked slightly older women my high school sweetheart was 2yrs older than me which I loved.
I feel comfortable with 12 yrs older or younger but not more than that. My aunt and uncle have a very happy marriage
with him 12yrs younger though she looks younger than him LOL!

 

[tlc]

I've dated people from 8 years younger to 15 years older (my folks were 17 when I was born so that was a bit weird). One thing I learned is that age has zero to do with maturity or anything else. And get more than 5 years or so and it starts to feel like you're on a different generation. But the closest connections I've had were the two people who were the closest to my age. One 27 days older, then later on someone who was 9 days older.

 

[Wintertime]

I have never had a relationship with someone who was older than me. Most of the time my own age group and up were just unequivocably not interested in me, except for in situations like what Ste11aeres describes-

When I was 26-27, I received a lot of unwanted attentions from guys like that in their fifties or sixties. Since they were total strangers, and didn't know me as a person, it was clear that it wasn't because they were won over by my awesome personality. The thing is, people always thought I was younger than I was, so rather than knowing they were interested in a 27 year old, they probably thought they were interested in a 19 year old.

I have had the exact same thing and it always creeped me out because it was so obvious that it had nothing to do with my personality or who I was as a person at all. However, having said that, all of my relationships have been with men who were at least 5 years younger than me, aside from a (nearly) high school romance with a man who was my age, I was a month older than he was. We lived together for a few years but inevitably failed in part because of his drug use. I also was married once and that man was 24, I was 33. The hilarious thing is that he was the one that was more erm, savvy I suppose you could say, and he was the one that took advantage of me. So I regretted that marriage a lot.

I have had other relationships with younger men but that is exactly the crux of it, it was never because of their age but in spite of it and the bigger the gap, the more I agonized over whether it was appropriate or not, no matter how well we got along (but definitely not in a sense of teenagers, that was never an option). I am 44 now, and I seem to get along better with guys who are at least 5 years younger, but I wouldn't consider being with anyone too young (20 years seems pushing it) as that has implications that I'm not comfortable with. You can be friends without taking it into romantic/sexual waters.

I believe that chronological age is not always indicative of emotional maturity, and I think it is fair to say that I am emotionally asynchronous, intellectually I am mature but emotionally, no, I am behind (although it is difficult to say how much exactly) and that makes sense now that I know I am on the spectrum. With relationships, it becomes unacceptable when the two people involved are not on equal footing. That is why there are ethics involved where a profession or a physican or etc cannot date students or anyone they have authority over, and it's one of the times that I agree with society. But I also don't think it is as easy as gauging just by chronological age.

There are many men that are younger than me (I can think of one of my friends in particular, he is 31) but who have a lot more 'natural authority' or social/emotional savvy. And there are probably men older than me, but I surpass them in that respect. I wouldn't mind dating someone my own age or older at all, but only for the right reasons, which is the only reason to date anyone really. I want healthy relationships above all else. Power imbalances, no bueno.

Like Ste11aeraes I also look a lot younger than I am supposed to, and I kept getting carded until into my late 30's (which is kind of a trip when I think about it ). Babyface McGee or something.