I wish I had my own space

[Naturalist]

I have no place where I can be myself. This has been really hard lately because the weather has been poor so my son has been out of school and my husband has been home sick a lot, and so if I am having a stressful day I can't have any real privacy to avert a meltdown or shutdown. The house is small. There are no closets I can go into, because the few closets we have are full of stored items. When I was growing up, I had a very deep dark closet where I went when I needed quiet and solitude but I don't have anything comparable here. I can't get under the bed because it is too narrow a space.

I have to be on my guard and not do stimming or rocking or anything that will make my husband worry about me and ask if I need to go to the psych ward, but I really feel like sitting in a rocking chair or rocking on the bed with my head pressed into a pillow, which would feel calming. But there is not floor space for me to use my rocking chair, so it is shoved in a corner, and rocking in it doesn't prevent my husband from asking if I am going crazy.

The only thing I could do today that was calming was, I got up really early and walked very fast in circles around a cart that is in the middle of my kitchen, until I got dizzy. That was before anyone else woke up.

Also I don't like that my stuff gets mixed up with the things that belong to others in my house. I wish I had my own room to keep all of it where I can find it, and then go there to be around things that are soothing to me. But when I said that my husband got very angry, he is still not speaking to me. Earlier he was yelling in my face because I said I wanted to be able to do stimming things without him calling me a crazy person or even retarded, which he did once, and he said he absolutely never did call me that but I remember it clearly because it stuck with me, and he said when, but I got confused because I didn't recall the date. So he yelled at me and I covered my ears and closed my eyes and told him to stop yelling at me, and I rolled under a blanket and spent the whole afternoon there. So he hasn't spoken to me since. It makes me feel sad and confused because mostly he is a very supportive and encouraging person who tries very hard to make me happy.

Does anyone else have any suggestions for making a space where you can go when you are stressed out? Do you dislike having your things cluttered up with others' possessions? Also, is it okay to need one's own room as an adult? And how do you get family to be understanding that sometimes you need a space to do things like rocking or humming or walking circles, and it doesn't make you crazy?

Sorry, I think I overloaded this post.

 

[The Penguin]

I really wish it was possible you can have a vacation alone so you can clear you mind. I think you really need it.

 

[watersprite]

Yes, it is maybe a lot to address all in one post. Naturalist, this is worrisome and I am not sure how to best say this but your husband shouldn't call you names.
Does your house have a garage? When I have to get away sometimes I go in the garage and jump until I am worn out and calm.
Could you have one shelf or drawer of your favorite things?

 

[Judge]

Also, is it okay to need one's own room as an adult?

From my own point of view I think it's imperative for most any Aspie to have some place they can retreat to alone that's easily accessible.

An absolute MUST, IMO. It was definitely a factor in the demise of my relationships with NT women.

 

[Suzanne]

I feel very emotional reading this and I am not given to sentimentals but your husband sounds EXACTLY like my husband, right down to shouting in my face and saying he did not say such and such a thing to me and this has become a comfortable thing with him, because he likes to say I am getting senile

You have a son, does that not mean that he has his own room? If so, can you not use his room when he is at school?

We are renovating and I have suffered horribly, but could escape upstairs due to it nearly finished, but suffered guilt, because my husband is the one doing all the work. If something is arranged to do and then changes, I cannot cope.

The only thing I am banned from doing is playing with my hair. He tells me off for covering my mouth, but not cruel ie spots, as I am prone to them.

I cannot stand my things being mixed up with his things or any one else's, for that matter. I am tidy, hubby isn't. Can't think clearly with clutter.

Got to go, but will inbox you and just know, I am here for you

 

[Aspergirl4hire]

I remember having to suppress everything and I'd just go into shutdown and stare through windows when I had no place to be--I'd climb into my own head. Hard to do when someone's yelling at you. I used to yell back sometimes. Rolling up in the bedcovers in your situation made perfect sense to me.

I usually have access to a car and I take myself for drives when I can, and sometimes public transit works because crowds feel anonymous. I like going to the library or a bookstore, or the museum. Sometimes even a movie--if there isn't one to watch I can buy a ticket anyway and just sit in one of the empty theatres until showtime. Park walks help me too sometimes.

If you like rocking...is there a playground where you can sit on a swing for a while, I wonder. If you're in a winterbound area going outside won't help...do you have an obsession you can take refuge in?

Hope you feel better soon.

 

[Harrison]

I have no place where I can be myself. This has been really hard lately because the weather has been poor so my son has been out of school and my husband has been home sick a lot, and so if I am having a stressful day I can't have any real privacy to avert a meltdown or shutdown. The house is small. There are no closets I can go into, because the few closets we have are full of stored items. When I was growing up, I had a very deep dark closet where I went when I needed quiet and solitude but I don't have anything comparable here. I can't get under the bed because it is too narrow a space.

I have to be on my guard and not do stimming or rocking or anything that will make my husband worry about me and ask if I need to go to the psych ward, but I really feel like sitting in a rocking chair or rocking on the bed with my head pressed into a pillow, which would feel calming. But there is not floor space for me to use my rocking chair, so it is shoved in a corner, and rocking in it doesn't prevent my husband from asking if I am going crazy.

The only thing I could do today that was calming was, I got up really early and walked very fast in circles around a cart that is in the middle of my kitchen, until I got dizzy. That was before anyone else woke up.

Also I don't like that my stuff gets mixed up with the things that belong to others in my house. I wish I had my own room to keep all of it where I can find it, and then go there to be around things that are soothing to me. But when I said that my husband got very angry, he is still not speaking to me. Earlier he was yelling in my face because I said I wanted to be able to do stimming things without him calling me a crazy person or even retarded, which he did once, and he said he absolutely never did call me that but I remember it clearly because it stuck with me, and he said when, but I got confused because I didn't recall the date. So he yelled at me and I covered my ears and closed my eyes and told him to stop yelling at me, and I rolled under a blanket and spent the whole afternoon there. So he hasn't spoken to me since. It makes me feel sad and confused because mostly he is a very supportive and encouraging person who tries very hard to make me happy.

Does anyone else have any suggestions for making a space where you can go when you are stressed out? Do you dislike having your things cluttered up with others' possessions? Also, is it okay to need one's own room as an adult? And how do you get family to be understanding that sometimes you need a space to do things like rocking or humming or walking circles, and it doesn't make you crazy?

Sorry, I think I overloaded this post.

Way before I was diagnosed I knew I had to have a 'bolthole'. Most of the times it was just the ability to go for a drive on my own to let my mind recentre itself, as I learnt more it became a room where I could be undisturbed or my workshed. Even a long walk would help. The most important thing is in getting those around you to understand that periods of isolation are vitally important for an aspie. Now, as I move forward with an aspie partner we have laid those ground rules right at the start, part of our contract in accepting the relationship.

I'm saddened that your husband doesn't understand your aspergers, is that because he doesn't want to understand or because he hasn't taken the time too?

Perhaps a visit here by him will show the importance of the need for our own space at times. The resource section may help too, there are books outlining the needs of aspies in a relationship, if you want help sorting out the relevant material then let me know. If he is as supporting as you say then his anger is more likely to be with himself, he may feel that he is disempowered by not being able to understand the 'why' of your condition and his hurt comes out as anger.

 

[Vinca]

Short Term, Temporary and Cheap Ideas

It's no really a long term solution but a bathroom/WC will usually have a lock on so it can be a good place to go to not be disturbed and have some alone time. You'd be free to move about in whatever manner you wanted without anyone walking in and commenting on what you are doing.

I heard a story once about a mother whose only means of experiencing anything resembling 'alone time' was to throw her apron over her head. If having your visual surroundings blocked out would be of benefit to you, you could put a piece of fabric, of your preference, over your head. You could use fabric in the form of a dressing gown, towel or an item of clothing and take it into the batroom with you. You could also use ear plugs, if drwoning out background noise would be beneficial for you.

Long term, Permanant and Costly Ideas

-A garden shed
-De-clutter a cupboard for you to use.


I need my own space and I don't like my things being moved about by others.

I think it is perfectly understandable and acceptable to need one's own room/space as an adult. From what you have said, it's obvious that you need you own space to help you cope and function.

 

[Balkan1996]

It's my DREAM to live ALONE.
I don't care, I can eat moldy bread and drink only water! Don't give me TV or anything fun, just give me my peace. Am I asking too much?

 

[Judge]

It's my DREAM to live ALONE.
I don't care, I can eat moldy bread and drink only water! Don't give me TV or anything fun, just give me my peace. Am I asking too much?

No, it's not too much to ask for. IMO frankly for us Aspies, it's just the air we need to breathe at times. Like a water-based mammal in the ocean.

 

[StephF]

It sounds to me that what your husband is doing is domestic abuse. It is against the law in the UK.

 

[Progster]

When I was in a similar situation as a child because I had to share a room with my sister, I used to bathroom as a hideaway. I used to come home every day after school and go straight to the bathroom, run a bath and soak in the tub for a good hour or until the water got cold. I also had a hut at the bottom of the garden I used to go to where I could be alone. You could try these things, or variations of them - the only problem with the bathroom is that other people may want to use it and disturb you.

 

[Naturalist]

Thanks everyone for the very thoughtful responses. I will try to answer some questions here.

Naturalist, this is worrisome and I am not sure how to best say this but your husband shouldn't call you names.
Does your house have a garage? When I have to get away sometimes I go in the garage and jump until I am worn out and calm. Could you have one shelf or drawer of your favorite things?

My husband often says such things in a tone which to others would be joking, and I think he was angered that I had taken his words literally. But as several of you pointed out, if he was more informed about Aspergers this would come as no surprise to him that I take his words literally, and don't know how to interpret his tone.

We do have a garage, but it being mainly my husband's domain it is almost too cluttered to walk in--everything we use only seasonally gets dumped in there. Also the dust affects my allergies. Good thought though. I have considered making use of the groundhog hole under the garage...no one would follow me there, but groundhogs can be mean... It might be good to buy a bookcase though for keeping my things. Hadn't thought of that because somehow I only think of bookshelves when I have bought a few too many books! But it is a great, very feasible solution for my keeping my things in one place and accessible.

From my own point of view I think it's imperative for most any Aspie to have some place they can retreat to alone that's easily accessible. An absolute MUST, IMO. It was definitely a factor in the demise of my relationships with NT women.

That is interesting, because my NT husband seemed to think my desire for my own room was somehow insulting, like it was a reflection on our marriage or something. I know many couples who have individual rooms, usually just for working but there are many reasons for keeping separate bedrooms too, such as different sleeping habits which make sharing a room impractical if both people are to get a good rest. So I don't understand the expectation that couples should share all their space if they are married.

I feel very emotional reading this and I am not given to sentimentals but your husband sounds EXACTLY like my husband, right down to shouting in my face and saying he did not say such and such a thing to me and this has become a comfortable thing with him, because he likes to say I am getting senile

You have a son, does that not mean that he has his own room? If so, can you not use his room when he is at school?

We are renovating and I have suffered horribly, but could escape upstairs due to it nearly finished, but suffered guilt, because my husband is the one doing all the work. If something is arranged to do and then changes, I cannot cope.

The only thing I am banned from doing is playing with my hair. He tells me off for covering my mouth, but not cruel ie spots, as I am prone to them.

I cannot stand my things being mixed up with his things or any one else's, for that matter. I am tidy, hubby isn't. Can't think clearly with clutter.

Got to go, but will inbox you and just know, I am here for you

Suzanne, I relate very much to what you are saying. I do not like to be told "don't do that, people will think you are weird" etc. because I don't care what other people think, if I am loved and accepted by those closest to me. Scolding me for being myself makes me feel like a child, and not a loved one at that. And I don't understand why my husband insists he didn't say things when I remember him doing so, except that perhaps he forgets. Also, although I am able to recall a lot of related details I can't always recall the sequence of events or the context, and I have always suspected that people realize this fact and take advantage of it. But maybe that is just paranoia, because I feel vulnerable on this count.

My son does have his own room, and I often go there when he is out with his dad, to curl up on his bed and cuddle his animals. Of course I have the house to myself when they go out together. But while he is at school I am at work.

I remember having to suppress everything and I'd just go into shutdown and stare through windows when I had no place to be--I'd climb into my own head. Hard to do when someone's yelling at you. I used to yell back sometimes. Rolling up in the bedcovers in your situation made perfect sense to me.

I usually have access to a car and I take myself for drives when I can, and sometimes public transit works because crowds feel anonymous. I like going to the library or a bookstore, or the museum. Sometimes even a movie--if there isn't one to watch I can buy a ticket anyway and just sit in one of the empty theatres until showtime. Park walks help me too sometimes.

If you like rocking...is there a playground where you can sit on a swing for a while, I wonder. If you're in a winterbound area going outside won't help...do you have an obsession you can take refuge in?

Hope you feel better soon.

During the day I practically live in the library, since my office is there, and I do walk up the hill to the art museum sometimes. That is really brilliant about buying some quiet in an empty movie theatre--I rarely go to movies since they are so loud so never in a million years would I have thought of that! I think I may try it though. The advantage is they are open late, unlike many other places. I walk a lot in the woods, we have a great trail system here that runs right through the middle of town. I have just been too sick lately, and it has been too cold to risk getting worse for a walk outside.

I'm saddened that your husband doesn't understand your aspergers, is that because he doesn't want to understand or because he hasn't taken the time too?

Perhaps a visit here by him will show the importance of the need for our own space at times. The resource section may help too, there are books outlining the needs of aspies in a relationship, if you want help sorting out the relevant material then let me know. If he is as supporting as you say then his anger is more likely to be with himself, he may feel that he is disempowered by not being able to understand the 'why' of your condition and his hurt comes out as anger.

It makes me sad that my husband doesn't seem to want to know much about Aspergers, because I think it would make it easier if he did. Sometimes he shows a lot of empathy and makes great accommodations for my needs, and I think he must have been reading something on his own, but then he will turn around and say or do something which lacks understanding completely. It is very unpredictable and for me that is the hardest thing about our relationship--not knowing which side of him to expect.

I ordered a book "22 things a woman with Aspergers wants her partner to know" and gave it to him, with annotations about things I found insightful or relevant, but it sat untouched by the bed for a long time. Then when I was upset once he was asking me why I was upset, and it was one of those things that would have been obvious to him had he read the book...so I didn't know what to say and couldn't speak so I threw the book at him and then he said he was definitely NOT going to read it now...

I would love it if he would come here sometime, whether to read or to ask questions. I think he would realize that I have legitimate reasons for being the way I am, and that doesn't make me a bad person or defective. But I think he would be reluctant to come here, in part, because he would consider it to be MY space, where I can talk with people who aren't HIS friends, and where I can have an identity apart from our shared identity. I like that he does try to respect such boundaries, except that when he is supportive of my psychological solitude but not physical solitude, it feels as if he is reinforcing the notion that I am different, and that he wants no share of that difference. My own difference I can bear and even enjoy; but I had hoped that a companion would want to share my intellectual experience, not just my physical presence. If that makes sense.

It sounds to me that what your husband is doing is domestic abuse. It is against the law in the UK.

Yes, it is here too. I would say that it does take a lot to make my husband lose his temper with me, much more than others. He does not know how to deal with my meltdowns, and he is a very capable person who does not like to feel he has no control over a situation. That said, it makes me very frightened when he yells at me because he has a very powerful voice, and I hate to do anything that will set him off. Which is mostly anything relating to Aspergers, because he doesn't like anything which calls attention to the fact that I am not "normal" (whatever that really means). But I don't want to be "normal", I just want to be myself, and to be loved for who I am.

 

[Ellylldan]

I am very sorry you're having such a hard time, Naturalist.

I very much understand, as all the aspies do, your need for your own place to hide and to recharge. It's something essential to our surviving.

It's very sad that your husband doesn't understand you and doesn't want to get informed. You said he's not always like this, in other times he's trying hard to make you happy. Perhaps, when he is in a good mood, you could try to read him a little portions of important information? He wouldn't be too overloaded by it but slowly it would sink in, hopefully making him want to know more.. I'm saying this because that's how it worked for my husband. At first, when I just had discovered Asperger's and told him about my suspicion of being an aspie, he went into total denial and didn't want to read anything I gave him. (Later he told me his reasons. He was afraid that I would use aspieness as an excuse for a weird behaviour without trying to work on it.) And so I started telling him stuff I learned about it, little by little. He saw that it was making sense, even if he refused to admit it at first, and then he accepted it and started helping me to find ways to make it work better.
It's just my experience, of course, but I hope it could help you somehow.

This is not an immediate solution, though, it required some time.. I wish I could give you any suggestion about your current situation, but I'm not sure I can add anything to what the others have said. In a lack of room the idea about taking a bath sounded especially good to me. Nobody can deny you a quiet time in a bath!

Or music? If there is nowhere to go and nowhere to hide, perhaps you could at least put a headset on and listen to some music? When I feel like I can't cope anymore and I can't hide, music usually helps me. It creates a wall between me and the world and saves me. Of course, it's not as good as alone time, but when you don't have a choice, it can help. Maybe.

 

[Tom]

Can you provide a layout of your house? Like a simple map that shows the rooms with the furniture also shown? I have always been very sensitive to space and organization issues. Sometimes clutter is unavoidable, but it is like mental noise to me until I can remove it somehow. If a separate room is not possible, perhaps a sort of private cul-de-sac might be arranged.

If you have the energy and motivation, and need a cover story, it can be done as part of a 'spring cleaning' project that hits many areas, but at the end has magically produced this new space.

But just in general I think it quite normal for Aspies to be affected by these things, and it can show quite early. It was noticeable in me and my son both, around age 10-11.

 

[CloudRomy]

I missed this thread but I sympathise with your difficulties and am sorry to hear of your struggles. I also need space, lots of alone time and like to keep my 'things' separate. My side of the bedroom has my 'stuff' - I have various boxes with my things in the bottom of my half of the wardrobe, plus bedside drawers and the drawer on my side under the bed. Perhaps your husband might agree to dividing up a bit of space this way? It is very important to me to be able to 'escape' when I need to decompress especially. A sleep mask might help to block out visual stimuli and ear plugs too. I also have a special blanket to snuggle under. It is the softest fabric, called a 'teddy' blanket (name given by the shop because of the soft, furry material) and the makeup of the fabric allows you to put it right over your head and still be able to breathe! It is a real comfort. I hope things get a bit easier, I think they always feel so much worse when you have not been able to get the space you need and the anxiety to get away builds. Be gentle with yourself and know that the horrible feelings will pass in time. As soon as that happens it becomes easier to work on a plan of action I think If you can't 'escape' you could, as a temporary measure, try distraction. I have a list of various activities I think of as 'thought-blockers' as they change my brain into a different 'gear' e.g. I always have a small puzzle book with me to distract me.

Edited for clarity.