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I think I have upset my mum going on about autism

Discussion in 'General Autism Discussion' started by Gift2humanity, Oct 27, 2020.

  1. Gift2humanity

    Gift2humanity Well-Known Member

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    A bit of a background. - Sorry for the long post.
    As a kid I learnt to read and write at a very young age, possibly before 2, and my mum encouraged and validated me till she was blue in the face.
    I gave it up because my late Dad was what I think was a malignant narcissist.
    I was the youngest and my mum thought I was gifted, she said I could talk within 12 months, I asked at 1yr old to have my nappy off and remained dry.
    Being the youngest, he called me "The baby" rather than by my name, as he could see me developing early. Malignant narcissists are jealous of anyone outshining them and try to stub out thier gifts and talents.
    I was, a late walker as I had poor muscle tone so I was 14months old before I could walk and even then, I fell down a lot.
    Mum would have told me not to worry about this, however Dad used to say, even before I got up to walk anywhere, things like "Don't fall down" "Whoops you've fell down again in a taunting and scornful manner. He used to make me cry and take pleasure from it.
    He also was violent and hit my mum.
    The following is why I gave up reading. It was the late 60's, the golden age of comics. As I had 2 older sisters and 2 older brothers, all born within 5 years, she provided plenty of decent reading material.
    One day, my Dad was not even home from work, this is the first time I think I discovered comics. I was able to read and write, but I looked at an oval speech bubble on a comic my brother was reading and as I have synaesthesia, the shape of the speech bubble reminded me of how my bottom felt when it hit the floor, so instead of asking my brother if I could read this new novel form of literature, I loved pictures, I couldn't look at it and stopped reading much to my mum's frustration as she was keen on my development.
    From then on I became a whiny child as my Dad taunted and teased me.
    Had I of kept reading, due to my high degree of affective empathy, and my sister a year older crying often I would have read to her. Reading and being read to makes for children to grow into successful adults. It is scientifically proven.
    It was at this stage mum began to slowly accquire the traits of my Dad over the years.
    I was the class clown, underachieving. I was ashamed of my clumsiness and craved acceptance from peers wanting to be good at sport.
    Reading comics which, themselves are based on classic literature and mythology would have provided me with the role models that millions of badly abused children are influenced by and grow up successful despite their horrific abuse, some of it sexual (I never had sexual abuse)
    I was highly sensitive and intuitive as a child and feel that I could have warned my mum how dangerous my Dad was had I of listened to her encouragement in reading, rather than bothering about silly names my Dad was calling me, note, he wasn't hitting me at the time.
    Instead I grew up afraid of other kids, was bullied, made to do stupid things and underachieved at school.
    I got sacked from jobs, ended up in a job where I was exploited and bullied and sexually harassed, and was the family scapegoat.
    Had I of kept reading, my intuition would have warned my mum about my dangerous Dad and she would have trusted the innocent little me over him.
    She hesitated to marry him, and only married him as he got her pregnant.
    Instead we grew up in tyranny.
    I grew bitter and grew up feeling like I had faults, like I was born with them as I believed my family.
    I remember buying a cheap fixer upper of an old house as I was desperate to leave home at 25, and my mum told me not to have a survey as he would find fault and she said a friend of hers wasted all her deposit on failed surveys, so I believed her and didn't have one.
    She came to view it and said it was fine when it wasn't, the old owners had cowboy builders in, she only looked at the lounge and it needed so much work done to it, I had to live with them for months.
    Mum used to say I had no common sense, I would have developed this through reading, I would have known when someone was trying to manipulate me.
    She got her manipulation skills from my Dad as people who marry narcissists tend to grow like them if they stay with them long enough. He treated her like dirt.
    When at 23 I tried to tell her he was being mean, she told me it was my problem.
    She turned violent like my Dad, she hit me on my birthday and said that's on your birthday, she punched my jaw and said I have cracked your jaw.
    She used to yell at me and told me I always said the wrong thing.
    I am now a drug addict and have got problems that I won't go into detail in public, but they could adversely affect my remaining family who were all abused by Dad.
    I got very bitter and moved away out of spite and am utterly miserable.
    I told her about the autism assessment and how autism explains the lack of common sense and saying the wrong thing, trying to get her to realise why I annoyed her so much, guilt tripping her a bit.
    She said she is too old to worry about things now, she has just become a great grandmother and the rest of the family are close, they brushed the abuse under the mat. My bother and sister who got hit hugged each other years ago, but no one ever consoled me about being hit.
    Bitterness drove me to move away to a new life, which isn't going great.
    As she told me she is too old to worry about things now, I asked her if she would rather I keep the results of the autism assessment to myself?
    She hasn't responded yet but it is late.
    I wonder, as the family know of my problems and concerns that these problems could adversely affect them, if they are trying to subtly hint for me to leave them alone. The thing is, my problems could affect them after I die.
    I cannot get advice on my problems because if my fears are concerned it could result in a dangerous meltdown, I have broken my nose in meltdowns before, banged my head deliberately on hard surfaces and am a safety risk which my CPN knows about.
    Sorry I am vague about my current problems I just don't want the public to see them.
    I know us autistics hate vagueness.
    I let her down, I let the whole family down. All because I gave up reading and was ashamed of my art in favour of sport which I was bad at.
    I rejected myself, mum wanted me to accept myself as a toddler. It was Dad who wanted me to fail.
    I also told her I have postmenopausal bleeding but doc says it probably wont be cancer. She didn't mention that.
    I think she is happy and wants to live out the rest of her years with my family and forget me, but I may leave my problems as a legacy to them instead of being the author/artist/singer/humanitarian I was put on the earth to be.
    I am not being hard on myself, I made a conscious choice to give up my talents, talents are meant to be shared not wasted like I have.
    Mum does care about people, she was a wonderful grandmother to her grandkids, Dad was a wonderful grandfather as well, but when my nieces were at his house, he secretly told me he hated happy kids, to remind me.
    Mum also said before I moved that her and Dad didnt love each other, they always leeched off me when no in-laws or grandkids were there.
    I tried to tell her about my problems (not medical or asperger's) but practical 4 years ago and she shouted at me. She said she never raises her voice, yet she used to all the time to me.
    She does care, about my siblings and her grandkids and her new great grandkid, she is caring, and she does care about me, but I think she doesn't want to know about me because of these practical problems. They are all burying thier heads in the sand about them, none of them want to know, but they may affect them when I die.
    So, I may tell her if I am diagnosed if she wants or I may have to keep it to myself.
    She took me to the doctor for autism tests as a 9 months old.
     
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  2. Streetwise

    Streetwise very cautious contributor V.I.P Member

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    The thing with me is ,I couldn't see that my mam wasn't just mam, she was weak ,she encouraged me but she wasn't as confident as I thought ,my father was abusive and like you they were from a generation when feminism wasnt as embedded in the culture, so she suffered then my sister and suffered, my sister a little more,later she just worked !,felt guilty about my sister! and me!,I never left home,she's been dead 20 years so I have no idea of her response to autism .
    But I wonder if my father was neurodiverse and\or -just a good for nothing very tall which indicates sometimes some neurodiversity very adept at chess,I'm also very quick tempered .
     
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  3. William Weiler

    William Weiler Ad Astra V.I.P Member

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    This is going to hurt, but here goes. My Dad is a malignant Narcissist. No question. I know books of things about him now, and understand him. My Mom is still with him. I know books about her. I can relate a story I read about the founder of AA, Bill W. When he showed his Mom an AA convention, she wasn't impressed, and said I don't see why anyone is fussed up about it, it is just you. My Mom and my Dad's Mom share this characteristic. They see their sons as losers. Worse yet, they are invested in this point of view and will ignore any evidence.

    My view is that I am kind to everyone, the people who are kind back are my friends. This applies to everyone, even family. If someone consistently acts against my interest, I take them out of my life (if I can do so). I have my self-esteem and self-worth that I worked for, and my friends that I cherish. This is irrespective of Autism. Many people work through this issue. Check out the NARP program, Melanie Toni Evans. It is on youtube.
     
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  4. Suzanne

    Suzanne Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

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    For your welbeing, no, it would be a mistake to tell your mum, because her reaction would just cause another meltdown. You see, as I am reading your thread, what comes across very much, is that your mum used your talent as a baby, to make herself feel good and why, when you changed, she turned on you, because, in effect, you ruined her dream and so, to tell her you are on the autism spectrum, she will go balistic at you, for pointing out an imperfection in HER.

    I think many of us here have been through nightmare childhoods and I begin to think it is because we are on the spectrum ( I only found out just under 2 year's ago).

    I learned to read at 9, but believe that had I had good parenting, I would have learned a lot earlier, as I went from not being able to read, to reading very complicated books at 9 and received an award for the best reader in my school!

    The best thing I ever did was oust my birth parents from my life. It is hard now that I am older, to be without a family, but at the same time, I have my faith that keeps me focused.
     
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  5. Alexej

    Alexej Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

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    With narcissism it is best to develop a totally neutral approach to the narcissist. Nothing they do touches you, makes you mad or riled, for ANY reaction from you feeds them and continues the power they have over you.

    I am reminded that the opposite of love is not hate it is indifference, but to be indifferent to your family is hard, very hard. My father in law is living with my wife and me and he (narcissistic) is driving her nuts.
     
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  6. Gift2humanity

    Gift2humanity Well-Known Member

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    I can see why you say that, but mum wasn't narcissistic or abusive when I was that young. Her discipline style was authoritative rather than authoritarian.
    It changed though.
    She was genuinely proud of my reading, she marvelled at the fact that I could plan my dreams, it was my Dad who had the darkness.
    She thought I was autistic herself and saw the doctor as a baby.
    My mum did write back after this thread but it was too late to reply as she said she was tired.
    She wants to know, she said although we are not in touch I am still family.
    I think the thing that is driving them away is my practical problems as these may affect my family's own lives in a detrimental way, I cannot describe how on a public board. Sorry for the vagueness.
     
  7. Streetwise

    Streetwise very cautious contributor V.I.P Member

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    Do you know about the private message service in the top right hand of the forum page ?.
     
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  8. Gift2humanity

    Gift2humanity Well-Known Member

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    Thank you
     
  9. Gift2humanity

    Gift2humanity Well-Known Member

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    I disclosed that I bit myself and bruised myself and banged my head. I think I was guilt tripping her for telling me off for no common sense, lack of eye contact, saying the wrong thing, feel guilty myself now for doing this to her. She said she is too old to worry but I am still her family so she said to let her know when I get the letter.