I have spent the past few weeks reading what I can and thinking long and hard about what else I might have if not ASD and I think I’ve ruled out the disorders that people who self diagnose might confuse for ASD. I am still awaiting my evaluation which is about 4 months from now but I’m eager to get my life moving in a positive direction.
I don’t think I have a desire to learn more coping skills because it is my opinion that coping skills (aka masking) have not truly helped me in ways that I appreciate much. I think I am satisfied with my capabilities to interact at the moment and I think I need to focus on my personal experience which seems to need my attention way more. Since I could remember I have been confused, scared, ashamed, and deeply sad. I’ve pretty much ignored all of that til now and now I want to try to help myself but don’t know what that means.
Essentially I think I’ve spent most of my life in a bit of a rut where everything is hard for me and it leaves me tired and confused and sad. The world makes me sad and all of the sadness I’ve experienced lingers with me and memories are triggered all the time by harmless things that remind me. I feel alone around everyone I know but it doesn’t bother me much because it’s how it’s always been. I think I don’t know who I am or why I am or what I’m doing and everyone agrees I tend to get stuck and unable to make progress the ways that young adults do.
College is taking forever and I can’t cope with normal levels of independence or stress. I lie to my family and say I am going back to school, want to continue with engineering, but frankly I feel I can’t continue and I’ve reached what feels a lot like a dead end. It’s almost like I’ve been bonked on the head and forgot who I am, what I’m doing, how to function, and how to move forward. However instead of forgetting I’ve just tried very hard to resist that I’ve never known in the first place and caused myself tremendous amounts of pain forcing myself to try to move forward, be normal, know who I am, etc.
My college experience/ adult experience so far has been so painful that I think I have ptsd and it makes me feel incapable of continuing in school as well as continuing as an adult (as someone who has to ultimately provide for themselves). I’ve taken a year off from school and have been taking semesters off before that since I started. I’ve also been unable to ever really take care of myself and have been on and off homeless whenever my mom and stepdad or my dad get fed up with me.
I tend to escape through my interests to deal with how hard it is to deal otherwise and my passions tend to annoy them because they don’t like all the books and crafts and things that result from my interests and feel I tend to make myself too at home and it makes them uneasy. So I’ve been just trying to not have any strong interests for a while and it makes life pretty hard to enjoy and I spend a lot of time reading on my phone. I prefer being outside but there’s just not a lot of nature to enjoy in Houston and they don’t want me messing with their garden. I still go on walks and look for pretty rocks along sidewalks but it’s not as effective for me escape-wise.
But maybe it’s for the better because perhaps I’m being forced to deal with myself the way I am and try to figure out what to do? Maybe that is good? I don’t know part of me thinks so but I also have a lot of nervous energy and fear of pending doom coming around the corner and those things are generally relieved by my interests.
So what have you done that has been helpful for you? If this sounds familiar how did you start “moving forward”? What have you tried that hasn’t been very helpful?
Also side note: am I in the freeze loop? I read about it and it resonated with me but I never get sick. Might be a result of my being a germaphobe but I’d guess I probably don’t frequently go through periods of time where my immune system shuts down because I can count of one hand how many times I’ve been sick.
I don’t think I have a desire to learn more coping skills because it is my opinion that coping skills (aka masking) have not truly helped me in ways that I appreciate much. I think I am satisfied with my capabilities to interact at the moment and I think I need to focus on my personal experience which seems to need my attention way more. Since I could remember I have been confused, scared, ashamed, and deeply sad. I’ve pretty much ignored all of that til now and now I want to try to help myself but don’t know what that means.
Essentially I think I’ve spent most of my life in a bit of a rut where everything is hard for me and it leaves me tired and confused and sad. The world makes me sad and all of the sadness I’ve experienced lingers with me and memories are triggered all the time by harmless things that remind me. I feel alone around everyone I know but it doesn’t bother me much because it’s how it’s always been. I think I don’t know who I am or why I am or what I’m doing and everyone agrees I tend to get stuck and unable to make progress the ways that young adults do.
College is taking forever and I can’t cope with normal levels of independence or stress. I lie to my family and say I am going back to school, want to continue with engineering, but frankly I feel I can’t continue and I’ve reached what feels a lot like a dead end. It’s almost like I’ve been bonked on the head and forgot who I am, what I’m doing, how to function, and how to move forward. However instead of forgetting I’ve just tried very hard to resist that I’ve never known in the first place and caused myself tremendous amounts of pain forcing myself to try to move forward, be normal, know who I am, etc.
My college experience/ adult experience so far has been so painful that I think I have ptsd and it makes me feel incapable of continuing in school as well as continuing as an adult (as someone who has to ultimately provide for themselves). I’ve taken a year off from school and have been taking semesters off before that since I started. I’ve also been unable to ever really take care of myself and have been on and off homeless whenever my mom and stepdad or my dad get fed up with me.
I tend to escape through my interests to deal with how hard it is to deal otherwise and my passions tend to annoy them because they don’t like all the books and crafts and things that result from my interests and feel I tend to make myself too at home and it makes them uneasy. So I’ve been just trying to not have any strong interests for a while and it makes life pretty hard to enjoy and I spend a lot of time reading on my phone. I prefer being outside but there’s just not a lot of nature to enjoy in Houston and they don’t want me messing with their garden. I still go on walks and look for pretty rocks along sidewalks but it’s not as effective for me escape-wise.
But maybe it’s for the better because perhaps I’m being forced to deal with myself the way I am and try to figure out what to do? Maybe that is good? I don’t know part of me thinks so but I also have a lot of nervous energy and fear of pending doom coming around the corner and those things are generally relieved by my interests.
So what have you done that has been helpful for you? If this sounds familiar how did you start “moving forward”? What have you tried that hasn’t been very helpful?
Also side note: am I in the freeze loop? I read about it and it resonated with me but I never get sick. Might be a result of my being a germaphobe but I’d guess I probably don’t frequently go through periods of time where my immune system shuts down because I can count of one hand how many times I’ve been sick.
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