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I suspect my ex of 4 years has Aspergers


New Member
Hey there,

I have recently broken up with my boyfriend of over 4 years. I suspected he might have Aspergers about 2 years ago. I didn't discuss it with him then as I didn't know enough about it but he does seem to demonstrate a lot of the traits. Also I didn't know if I should bring it up as I didn't want to upset him, also I didn't think it was my place to air my views in that regard.

The main reason apart from his 'oddness' (inappropriate topics of conversation, obsessions, avoidance of social situations) was that my mum became critically ill and he didn't seem to want or know how to comfort me. In fact in one telephone conversation where I was informing him of my mums worsening condition he corrected my grammar, I thought he was joking at the time (a badly timed one)

I knew he was kind of odd and a bit eccentric but I am quite drawn to that type of person, he's also very attractive and has a great sense of humour. I am 15 years older than him and the age difference never bothered him, he only had nice things to say about my physical appearance and said I would always be young to him. I found him very endearing and sweet natured, very immature at times but I can be too!

The first time we had a major disagreement, he seemed to take it very personally. We had made some plans that I backed out of and he couldn't seem to accept that plans change for all sorts of reasons. He stormed off, unfollowed me on social media and was really cold on the phone. He took the change in plans as rejection even though he himself backed out of plans so many times. He never wanted to go out (almost never) If we did it was because I coerced him into it, I always felt he was reluctant to do so. Every suggestion I made was met with 'what's the point'. Even a suggestion of going to the beach was met with 'I've seen the sea before, its always the same'
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Joking aside, I appreciate that some NT's are willing to try to understand the Aspie mind.

I really don't want to be read. I don't consent to having a cold mind in my life manipulating me into doing what they want. I'm the man on the Clapham omnibus; please treat me with respect. Otherwise, you're not for me. Go and find a sap.
Welcome Suzeo, hope you will find this forum a kind and supporting place, sorry to hear about your breakup.

I'd say it's important to realize that people on the Spectrum can have a different way of processing emotions and expressing them (it's also possible he has something else). We might not feel the same way about situations, relationships, or other people that you would normally expect from people. Sounds like you already realized that, as has he (based on his "I can't give you what you need" comments), I don't know if you can expect him to drastically change who he is. Even if he gets a diagnosis, and joins some forums, that doesn't necessarily mean he will be motivated to change his behavior. This would have to be something he does willingly as his own choice.

I can relate to a lot of the problems he faces; however, there is a red flag with him I think, and that is he doesn't seem willing to put in any effort or concede any points. I do truly believe that both parties in a relationship need to actively work together to make a relationship healthy, and if only one person is always trying to sustain it, I don't think that is ever going to be healthy for the long-term. I would probably call him a narcissist. There are plenty of Aspies who are not like that, so don't think it is a defining characteristic of the condition. This is a common personality for people who aren't on the Spectrum (NTs) as well.

For example, with the situation with your mother being ill. Maybe you can say ASD could be responsible for the fact that he doesn't feel empathy the same way as you do, and he might not even be aware of how important it is to be supportive at a time like that. But you specifically told him that you were upset by it, his refusal to even try to understand at that point isn't due to ASD, it's just being selfish and self-absorbed.

You seem like a kind and caring person. The fact that you are trying so hard to understand him even after the breakup shows that. I hope that you find happiness in your future :) .
There are many that come and say pretty much the same thing. If the autistic party won't face the issues squarely, nothing you do will make any difference. Best to move on. It will not fix itself.
Quart, (or maybe should we call you "Half-Pint") you obviously have issues. You are often unpleasant, arrogant, rude, ignorant and annoying. Are you incarcerated, institutionalized, in constant manic mode, or just perpetually zoned out on alcohol and/or drugs? You apparently are unemployed because it appears you are posting 24/7. You're starting to act like a troll. The good people who participate on this website don't need your brand of hateful commentary to every post. Get a life.

I'll wait for your angry, hysterical response in 3, 2, 1.....
I ended up getting really upset when I called him, he was quite aggressive sounding. I told him not to bother. He took that very literally and I haven't seen him since.

This is not at all surprising to me. Going back over my history with women I expect that several times when women have told me to go they haven't meant it, and I'm almost sure that I surprised some of them by going. In the future I shall be more suspicious, but I've always just assumed that they meant what they said.

He says he loves me and misses me but he can't give me what I want. I said I only ever wanted the bare minimum (some attention, some time) Though only 3 weeks ago he sent me a text saying he can't stop thinking about me. I again said I would meet and talk. He repeated the same thing 'I can't give you what you want'

If I were in your place looking for a way back in, this looks the most likely to me. Bare minimum, some attention, some time. I wonder how carefully you defined these things (sounds like not very, how much is some?), and if you couldn't have defined them so as to make him realise that he was providing that at one point. If you use emotional labels that don't necessarily translate he may be aware that he doesn't understand you and that might prevent him from concluding that he can provide what you need, it might even make him conclude that he can't provide it if he thinks that the understanding he lacks is a necessary part of what he needs to provide. That understanding is something that you will both need to cooperate on to achieve.

I don't know how you might get him to have that conversation with you. And maybe that's not the right way to go about this, and maybe you ought to just be running away, I don't know.

It hurts to try and fail and not even know what happened, whether you are looking to make repairs or just understand a little bit more I'm glad that you're here, and that at least some people are showing consideration. Feel free to ask more. Perhaps most of us on this site have experienced this bewildering difference in outlook doing damage to our relationships and ourselves, as a result some of us are keen to help another in a similar situation, and others are bitter. I've definitely had my moments.
Quart, (or maybe should we call you "Half-Pint") you obviously have issues.

I'm known by another name but I don't want to go by it here.

You are often unpleasant, arrogant, rude, ignorant and annoying.

It's an ad hominem. Come on, you can do better than that Mary Terry.

Are you incarcerated, institutionalized

Involuntarily detained.

or just perpetually zoned out on alcohol and/or drugs?

I wish I was in the Azores enjoying Queijo São Jorge and pico, but we can't have everything.

"]You apparently are unemployed because it appears you are posting 24/7.

Involuntarily detained.
There are many that come and say pretty much the same thing. If the autistic party won't face the issues squarely, nothing you do will make any difference. Best to move on. It will not fix itself.

The "autistic party" may not be the one at fault. Have you taken that into consideration?
It's an ad hominem. Come on, you can do better than that Mary Terry.

No, it isn't. An ad hominem is an attack directed at a person delivering an argument, the purpose of which is to undermine their argument. In this case she is not trying to disprove anything you've said, rather she's making the point that you're unpleasant and don't make a useful contribution. Just in case it's not already obvious to everyone participating in the thread. I'm not sure that I agree with this assessment regarding other threads, but her post seems appropriate here.
I'm known by another name but I don't want to go by it here.

It's an ad hominem. Come on, you can do better than that Mary Terry.

Involuntarily detained.

I wish I was in the Azores enjoying Queijo São Jorge and pico, but we can't have everything.

Involuntarily detained.

You are the poster child for ad hominem attacks on other people. Believe me, if I wanted to go after you with words stronger than what I've said, then I'd rip you apart. I'm trying to be nice and give you a heads up that your nasty commentary is offensive.

And what does "involuntarily detained" mean? Involuntarily committed to some kind of institution for psychiatric treatment? Serving jail time? It's peculiar, to say the least.
Ye gods, is all of this pointless arguing really necessary? In someone's introduction thread, no less. If you must fight, do it elsewhere.

To Suzeo, welcome to the forums. Please dont let the random arguement here deter you. You'll find plenty of people willing to help in this place. Feel free to post in one of the main sections, if you have questions about anything that could help you get the answers or assistance you need. You'll get more of a response that way than posting in the intro section.
I just feel so hurt and emotionally drained that I did so much for him, helped him to get back on his feet, apologised when things weren't even my fault.
This is how any person feels any time after a long relationship. We grieve time and investment lost. A whole block of time in our life seems wasted. We are that much older, and no closer toward having our ideal relationship. But don’t look at is as wasted. Look at it as free relationship education. Next time you will be smarter in a relationship. You may decide to set boundaries like not allowing them to move in or whatever your gut level choices are. I know someone who can’t comfort me properly. I have had to find other ways to get comfort. Sometimes I just ask flat out to be held, or to come sit beside me a while. For other deficits I depend on outside contacts and friends and keep activities up with others. You have to get it from other sources or let the person go. He probably feels he caused you great pain and that you will find a better match. He knows he either can’t or is not willing to step up to the plate to give you what you want. You have made your wishes known to him. Nothing more you can do. After you get over the dependency of always having a companion around you may realize you really weren’t as crazy about him like you thought you were.
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It puzzles me that you keep going back to him. Many people come on here and verbally slay their Aspie and then say something like, "I missed him" or "I was just wanting to check in".

Those are the mixed messages we don't like.

Further, if he read what you just wrote, there would be NO DOUBT in his mind that you think he is a loser , a leech, someone incapable of communicating, selfish, narcissistic, pot head who wasted four years of your life.

I didn't see too many good words used to describe this man. If someone like that were in my life, wow, I would feel set free the day they left!
My read is that by getting into an intimate relationship with him, you saw him as he is. Someone who likes to hole up at home and not go out much. Especially after he lost his job. I've known lots of people like that who are not on the spectrum.

He's been going out with new friends and colleagues since getting a new job, this seems normal to me, and as an aspie who likes a casual night out with a few casual freinds, I would be up for that. But I also like to go out with my partner. I think the problem you have is his personality, not his aspieness, whether he is or isn't.

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