I should have known it wouldn’t have been different

[BewilderedPerson]

I’ve spent nearly the last three months talking to someone on Hiki. She lived several states away, but I grew to like her for her, I’d last texted her after midnight Tuesday, only for me to get this just now:

‘Hey (insert my name here), you’re a really nice and cool guy, but right now just isn’t a good time for me, and i need to be alone.’
Me to her: ‘What do I say to that? I respect your decision, but I wondered if something was up and if I did something wrong.

Good luck to you, have a nice holiday and hope you figure things out.’

Her: ‘No, you didn’t do anything wrong. You’re a great guy. It’s just not a good time for me. But thank you, you too!’

As if it’s bad enough I’ve been almost completely bed ridden due to waking up sick yesterday, there’s this.

So long as I was talking to her, life wasn’t perfect, but it was manageable, not feeling miserable, no need to complain of loneliness.

Now I want to know if I’m ever going to meet my person, when I’m going to meet my person, when I’m going to get the marriage I so greatly long for.

Happy Holidays. I hate myself. Again.

 

[Rodafina]

That sounds very disappointing and I can see it feeling so much worse when you are ill. I'm sorry you lost this connection you were enjoying.

 

[BewilderedPerson]

That sounds very disappointing and I can see it feeling so much worse when you are ill. I'm sorry you lost this connection you were enjoying.

Thank you so much.

 

[lovely_darlingprettybaby]

I’ve spent nearly the last three months talking to someone on Hiki. She lived several states away, but I grew to like her for her, I’d last texted her after midnight Tuesday, only for me to get this just now:

‘Hey (insert my name here), you’re a really nice and cool guy, but right now just isn’t a good time for me, and i need to be alone.’
Me to her: ‘What do I say to that? I respect your decision, but I wondered if something was up and if I did something wrong.

Good luck to you, have a nice holiday and hope you figure things out.’

Her: ‘No, you didn’t do anything wrong. You’re a great guy. It’s just not a good time for me. But thank you, you too!’

As if it’s bad enough I’ve been almost completely bed ridden due to waking up sick yesterday, there’s this.

So long as I was talking to her, life wasn’t perfect, but it was manageable, not feeling miserable, no need to complain of loneliness.

Now I want to know if I’m ever going to meet my person, when I’m going to meet my person, when I’m going to get the marriage I so greatly long for.

Happy Holidays. I hate myself. Again.

You'll find someone. I am sorry for you.
Maybe for her she was not trying to be mean, it was just not a good time because she was not ready for a relationship or was nervous or did not want a relationship through a dating app.
I would not suggest dating apps. I know it is a digital age but maybe you could meet someone another way by trying hobbies, just doing social events, being polite to women when you go in public.
It is hard, i have seen others struggle to, sometimes it just is a timing thing and people go through patches of loneliness for longer but it does not mean it will not happen.

 

[Aspychata]

Sometimes you don't know if it will work out until you talk to them for awhile. So maybe you weren't a match. Maybe her ex-boyfriend came back. Maybe she is too busy with life right now to consider keeping up this friendship with you. There are so many unknowns. So don't beat yourself up. You can just say, l enjoyed talking to you, if you ever need a friend, don't forget l am here for you.

 

[Gerald Wilgus]

Do not burn your bridges. I hope that after a bit of time off she will reconnect with you. It is hard maintaining a distant relationship by phone. Should she reconnect, please be accepting of her and kind towards her need for a pause at this time.

You are making progress towards your goals of an intimate relationship and marriage. Give yourself time. I talked to a woman for months who would be my future spouse. We were planning a car pool road trip to an outing and became friends before meeting IRL. I hope that this pause will result in a renewed friendship towards you. You may remind her that you will be there to listen to her as a friend at any time.

 

[Judge]

Bear in mind I'm not attempting to speculate on what happened in the case of the OP.

However I feel compelled to convey a similar experience I had many years ago with a very definite- and ugly outcome. Though this "relationship" lasted a little more than three years- not three months. When after it ended some time later I discovered through public records that the woman I had talked on the phone and online on a regular basis conveniently left out the man she married in between it all.

I was classically "catfished". Long before the term became popular through media. Though I'll never know if I was truly a victim of attempted criminal intent that failed, or just emotional malice. And in a cruel twist of fate, this couple actually moved from the state of Washington not only to California, but to the very city and apartment complex I once lived in. Unbelievable!

Which became the beginning of a long downward spiral in which I concluded that relationships just don't work for me, whether my fault as an autistic man, or not at all. Some broken hearts cannot be mended, let alone recycled. My sixth and last attempt at a relationship, which wasn't even a real one.

Hopefully it will not be the path the OP takes, but if he does, I will understand.

 

[BewilderedPerson]

You'll find someone. I am sorry for you.
Maybe for her she was not trying to be mean, it was just not a good time because she was not ready for a relationship or was nervous or did not want a relationship through a dating app.
I would not suggest dating apps. I know it is a digital age but maybe you could meet someone another way by trying hobbies, just doing social events, being polite to women when you go in public.
It is hard, i have seen others struggle to, sometimes it just is a timing thing and people go through patches of loneliness for longer but it does not mean it will not happen.

Thank you. I need that kind of optimism.

 

[BewilderedPerson]

Do not burn your bridges. I hope that after a bit of time off she will reconnect with you. It is hard maintaining a distant relationship by phone. Should she reconnect, please be accepting of her and kind towards her need for a pause at this time.

You are making progress towards your goals of an intimate relationship and marriage. Give yourself time. I talked to a woman for months who would be my future spouse. We were planning a car pool road trip to an outing and became friends before meeting IRL. I hope that this pause will result in a renewed friendship towards you. You may remind her that you will be there to listen to her as a friend at any time.

My door is always open, but I’m not holding my breath.

I’m willing to be friends with her, if it leads to what I want. It’s very draining to put a lot of effort towards something and not have it lead anywhere, and I know what want most.

 

[Judge]

My door is always open, but I’m not holding my breath.

I’m willing to be friends with her, if it leads to what I want. It’s very draining to put a lot of effort towards something and not have it lead anywhere, and I know what want most.

Under the circumstances I see no harm in leaving that door open...though in the meantime I can also understand what the stress of not knowing can take on you. Something in between a gamble and a possible investment I suppose. Sad that relationships can sometimes boil down to such things.

 

[BewilderedPerson]

Bear in mind I'm not attempting to speculate on what happened in the case of the OP.

However I feel compelled to convey a similar experience I had many years ago with a very definite- and ugly outcome. Though this "relationship" lasted a little more than three years- not three months. When after it ended some time later I discovered through public records that the woman I had talked on the phone and online on a regular basis conveniently left out the man she married in between it all.

I was classically "catfished". Long before the term became popular through media. Though I'll never know if I was truly a victim of attempted criminal intent that failed, or just emotional malice. And in a cruel twist of fate, this couple actually moved from the state of Washington not only to California, but to the very city and apartment complex I once lived in. Unbelievable!

Which became the beginning of a long downward spiral in which I concluded that relationships just don't work for me, whether my fault as an autistic man, or not at all. Some broken hearts cannot be mended, let alone recycled. My sixth and last attempt at a relationship, which wasn't even a real one.

Hopefully it will not be the path the OP takes, but if he does, I will understand.

Oh no, I am so sorry. That must’ve done a number on you. What is wrong with people? At least you’re here to talk about it. That can mess somebody up.

I do not want to leave this planet before having the wedding of my dreams, and thus, I refuse to give up.

 

[Judge]

Oh no, I am so sorry. That must’ve done a number on you. What is wrong with people? At least you’re here to talk about it. That can mess somebody up.

I do not want to leave this planet before having the wedding of my dreams, and thus, I refuse to give up.

The one thing I've never been able to resolve was whether this was an emotional game of catfishing, or were they both a team of scammers trying to defraud me in some way. And that they simply gave up on me as I wasn't so foolish as to send money or gifts to this person.

I used to settle for a relationship, (had five others) without any serious thoughts of marriage with perhaps one exception. But then she eventually dumped me too. One I had to put an end to as she seemed more committed to her bottle of vodka than to me over three years.

LOL...frankly just the thought of public rituals like weddings give me the creeps. Except the cake.

 

[BewilderedPerson]

The one thing I've never been able to resolve was whether this was an emotional game of catfishing, or were they both a team of scammers trying to defraud me in some way. And that they simply gave up on me as I wasn't so foolish as to send money or gifts to this person.

I used to settle for a relationship, (had five others) without any serious thoughts of marriage with perhaps one exception. But then she eventually dumped me too. One I had to put an end to as she seemed more committed to her bottle of vodka than to me over three years.

LOL...frankly just the thought of public rituals like weddings give me the creeps. Except the cake.

I got to give you credit, you’re smart enough to know your limits and to know better than to get scammed out of money. I will admit, this person I’ve been talking to has a rubber duck collection. So, I’ve been looking to buy her one when I’m out and about and was going to send her one, at least I got saved that trouble any further.

The few relationships I’ve had I’ve mostly settled on. Yes, I loved them, but neither would’ve been my first choice, but good for you that you put an end to that one relationship.

It’s the wedding I want most. I’ve already got my dream wedding planned out in my head, just need a bride in order to have it.

 

[Judge]

I got to give you credit, you’re smart enough to know your limits and to know better than to get scammed out of money. I will admit, this person I’ve been talking to has a rubber duck collection. So, I’ve been looking to buy her one when I’m out and about and was going to send her one, at least I got saved that trouble any further.

Actually being catfished did have a positive impact on me being much more vigilant and less trusting of people. In retrospect this so-called "relationship" had all the telltale signs of something sinister happening. I just couldn't put all the pieces of this puzzle together in real time.

The few relationships I’ve had I’ve mostly settled on. Yes, I loved them, but neither would’ve been my first choice, but good for you that you put an end to that one relationship.

Sadly trying to stick it out with an unrepentant alcoholic and taking care of her daughter simply got to be too much for me. I had to bail...but I still have misgivings about past relationships long ago.

 

[BewilderedPerson]

Actually being catfished did have a positive impact on me being much more vigilant and less trusting of people. In retrospect this so-called "relationship" had all the telltale signs of something sinister happening. I just couldn't put all the pieces of this puzzle together in real time.

Sadly trying to stick it out with an unrepentant alcoholic and taking care of her daughter simply got to be too much for me. I had to bail...but I still have misgivings about past relationships long ago.

It sucks that it happened to you. Thank goodness you didn’t lose hundreds or thousands of dollars in the process.

I’m guilty of being cynical when something goes well with a woman. That never was with this one. I felt like we had common interests and things we bonded over. Now, if I can’t get together with a fellow person on the spectrum, who can I get with?

Maybe you feel upset you didn’t figure it out sooner, maybe you just want to see the good in people, as do I.

It sounds like you made the right call for you. Hopefully, she’s on a better path now and things are okay with her daughter.

 

[Judge]

It sounds like you made the right call for you. Hopefully, she’s on a better path now and things are okay with her daughter.

It may have been the right call for me, but years later not for the daughter I once cared for as if I were her actual parent. She had quite a tough life. And apparently her mother never got any help for her problem. Frankly I'm surprised she's still alive.

An interesting thought though. Having a relationship with one of my own kind. Not sure if it would result in the same failures as with other relationships or a unique success?

Ironic though to think perhaps I only seem to attract women with problems. That otherwise I might not have had a chance with those persons without such issues. But then it's true, we all have "issues" of one kind or another.

 

[BewilderedPerson]

It may have been the right call for me, but years later not for the daughter I once cared for as if I were her actual parent. She had quite a tough life. And apparently her mother never got any help for her problem. Frankly I'm surprised she's still alive.

An interesting thought though. Having a relationship with one of my own kind. Not sure if it would result in the same failures as with other relationships or a unique success?

Ironic though to think perhaps I only seem to attract women with problems. That otherwise I might not have had a chance with those persons without such issues. But then it's true, we all have "issues" of one kind or another.

Well, only you can decide if you feel like the positives outweigh the negatives in hindsight, sounds like a heartbreaking tale all around.

I will say, there’s no such thing as the perfect partner, because everybody had their flaws and their faults.

 

[Mr. Stevens]

My door is always open, but I’m not holding my breath.

I’m willing to be friends with her, if it leads to what I want. It’s very draining to put a lot of effort towards something and not have it lead anywhere, and I know what want most.

Find someone you're happy to be friends with even if it doesn't. So that even if you're disappointed, you still live for the friendship.

 

[BewilderedPerson]

Find someone you're happy to be friends with even if it doesn't. So that even if you're disappointed, you still live for the friendship.

Maybe others could live with being friends with someone who won’t be with them that way. I can’t. It’d be too painful and awkward for me.

A friendship alone won’t give me the intimacy and the affection that I crave.

A friendship alone won’t give me the child I wouldn’t mind having.

A friendship alone won’t give me the dream wedding I want so badly.

 

[Mr. Stevens]

I understand what you mean. I just meant that if a woman thinks you only like her for things you want in the future, she may be driven away. Building a friendship and hoping for those other things seems like a better bet. Being happy without them, with her, shows you care about her as a person. I didn't mean you should give up your dreams.