I like her.. she's on the spectrum as well

[Suiseiseki]

Why is this thread featured?


Well, I'd like to think of this as a different situation, right? I mean, she is not NT.

The girl I liked wasn't either (she wasn't on the spectrum but had a rather similar mental illness).
Aspergers and mental illness in general complicates things often to an impossible degree.
I know that girl had relationships that didn't work out before and there was times she seemed to really genuinely like me, and then others where she couldn't care less if I spoke to her.
Right now, I haven't texted her in weeks and she'll probably never text me back again, she used to talk to me a lot, then stopped, then started up- it's like a yo yo and after awhile of her dragging it along, I got sick of her.
Even if I thought she was my soul mate, I couldn't deal with it and she refused to even discuss anything, let me get close to her, mental illness does that and women who have them can be impossible to get close to.

 

[Tobs]

Jumping into the deep end here.

First off, it feels like you're making a couple of assumptions. I havn't been privy to all the conversations you've had with her so I can't tell to what degree. But assuming someone's place on or off the spectrum without talking to them about it directly is dangerous in my experience. There are many types of social anxiety that seem very similar to autism on the outside.

I find it a very healthy approach to be friends first and seeing if it can grow into more. This allows you to open up about yourself and get to know her without the pressure of having to "make it work" when you barely know eachother. My last relationship lasted 6 years (3 months and 11 days...) and has been over for 13 days now. We were friends for 7 years prior. It was the most fulfilling relationship I've ever had with another person. We met when I was 16 and dated between 23-29.

She knew during our friendship that I had an interest in her. I was honest about it when I realized it was something I wanted, but put no pressure on pursuing it. It was something we both knew but never talked about after that. We saw eachother every now and again and spent a lot of time talking, for years. Eventually, when I least expected it, she moved to my home town for her studies and she reciprocated.

But it all depends on how you wish to proceed. I've had a handful of relationships when I was younger, also during our friendship, which were much more shallow. They were based on attraction and a need for affection, where my intelligence and quirkiness were seen as different and interesting. But that interest never lasted more than a few months. Whereas this friendship-to-relationship, my emotions were much deeper. I felt as if I had someone who understood me. A sense of belonging right from the start of the relationship. It was much more sturdy in my experience.

 

[bchamp]

Jumping into the deep end here.

First off, it feels like you're making a couple of assumptions. I havn't been privy to all the conversations you've had with her so I can't tell to what degree. But assuming someone's place on or off the spectrum without talking to them about it directly is dangerous in my experience. There are many types of social anxiety that seem very similar to autism on the outside.

I find it a very healthy approach to be friends first and seeing if it can grow into more. This allows you to open up about yourself and get to know her without the pressure of having to "make it work" when you barely know eachother. My last relationship lasted 6 years (3 months and 11 days...) and has been over for 13 days now. We were friends for 7 years prior. It was the most fulfilling relationship I've ever had with another person. We met when I was 16 and dated between 23-29.

She knew during our friendship that I had an interest in her. I was honest about it when I realized it was something I wanted, but put no pressure on pursuing it. It was something we both knew but never talked about after that. We saw eachother every now and again and spent a lot of time talking, for years. Eventually, when I least expected it, she moved to my home town for her studies and she reciprocated.

But it all depends on how you wish to proceed. I've had a handful of relationships when I was younger, also during our friendship, which were much more shallow. They were based on attraction and a need for affection, where my intelligence and quirkiness were seen as different and interesting. But that interest never lasted more than a few months. Whereas this friendship-to-relationship, my emotions were much deeper. I felt as if I had someone who understood me. A sense of belonging right from the start of the relationship. It was much more sturdy in my experience.

I know I was assuming a lot, and well.. Not much anymore since we managed to get together and spend some time alone together, it was really nice actually. I think she really did enjoy it, and well... I did too. I've asked her about any previous relationships, and there wasn't any. I've noticed that she does have problems expressing herself.. and actually has a very child like mindset. She is the same age though.

I realized that even slightly hinting subjects doesn't work entirely so I decided to try and be a bit more blunt with her while we were alone. Asking if she's ever had a boyfriend, or kissed a guy before.. She says no, and asks me the question back. She tells me how if someone found out we could get in trouble. Thing is I never mentioned us doing that, only asked if she's done it, and wasn't trying to pressure her.. I had to remind her we were both adults though, as if she doesn't see herself as one or something like that.

Then we went to go get a milkshake, relaxed for a few, and then walked her home from there on. Even if she didn't catch on to what I was trying to say here and there, I know she was happy to get out with someone like that.. Don't know how often she's done that, if ever, other than family.

 

[Tobs]

It sounds like you have a pretty healthy attitude towards it. I'm also happy to hear you found some clarity by spending time with her and being frank. But be careful that your mind doesn't race too far ahead. You're probably pretty good at building simulated scenarios to prepare yourself. It's good to be aware of what could happen next, but you don't want to plot the entire voyage and find out halfway through that the wind isn't blowing in that direction. Each step is a valuable experience.

You calling her mindset childlike, combined with her telling you you could get in trouble makes me think perhaps her family thinks she's not ready for a relationship. That's a big uncertain estimate though. I wouldn't act (kiss her) before talking to her, and after that if she doesn't mind perhaps her parents, about it.

Regardless of whether she becomes your girlfriend or not, you've found a meaningful relationship. There are more (and arguably stronger) ways of connecting with someone that don't rely on intimacy. I still hope for what you feel is the best case scenario, but not achieving that is not a complete loss.

My apologies if I'm too forward. And anyone, feel free to disagree with me. My perspective is but one of infinite and by no means the answer to the universe.