I have to pressure myself to do everything

[aubrx]

Thanks for explaining. I can understand where you are coming from.

It sounds incredibly stressful to be part of all of that.

I wonder if feeling constantly drained by such things contributes to your difficulty completing tasks.

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I struggle with tasks, too and have to trick myself into doing most things. I break everything into tiny steps. Once I have taken enough of the easy steps, it’s a bit easier to just get it done.

For example, laundry. First I think about it. Then I write it down (on my daily organizer). A day or so later, I put the laundry bag in a visible spot. Then I move it to the top of the stairs that lead to the washing machine. By then, it becomes more urgent to get it out of the way and I find the motivation. It’s a bit embarrassing to admit little ol’ laundry requires so many steps, but hey, it’s just how I get things done. No sense in beating myself up because so many people just do their damn laundry.

I think one major reason why I struggle so much is that I grew up in a way that left me feeling like everything I did was inadequate and I was very incapable. Everyone did things for me when I was young and subsequently I learned that I am helpless and useless. This left me with an underlying feeling that nothing I do will ever be “good enough.” I’ve had to put a lot of work into realizing my own worth and capability. Still working on it.

Yes absolutely it is exhausting trying to even make a living off it as well. I have noticed the exponential rise of hypercompetitive individualism in just the last 10 years which is also overwhelming. Definitely contributes to a lot of burnout. Specifically amongst those two hobbies/potential careers that I mentioned. I am just not dealing well with it at all especially relating to even making a living off of those interests.

I like your idea of breaking tasks up and working with executive function instead of forcing it (the washing bag example). That seems an effective way of encouraging yourself to do that specific task. It's interesting that you note your upbringing for a lack of self autonomy (an applicable term I guess?) and a low self esteem. Funny enough, I had a different childhood (teachers kept going on about how intelligent I was from a young age) but one parent constantly criticising my habits and bodyweight who they themselves I believe is autistic. That lead to some pretty warped ideas of my own self worth as well. I think all of us are vulnerable to childhood experiences shaping our sense of self way into adulthood; not everyone has an ability to unravel that conditioning.

I had my annual house inspection today, the place is spotless and it looks good - at the moment. Normally it's a pig sty.

They notified me of the inspection 2 weeks ago. Plenty of time. Last Friday I got around to doing some dishes and half tidying my kitchen. Then on Sunday I managed to make myself start cleaning the bathroom but I only got halfway trough that. I deliberately planned that on Tuesday I'd spend the whole day doing all the housework properly, but that didn't happen.

6:00 am this morning I got stuck in and did it all properly, just 6 hours before the inspection. Finished with 2 hours to spare.

That's very typical of the way things go for me. I'm very organised and good at planning, I'm very efficient at anything I decide to do and when I do a job I do it well. Wedging my lazy arse out of my chair to actually start doing something is the hard part.

Well, you got it done in the end which is good. It is quite challenging to live like that though, creates a lot of anxiety in my experience. I understand how it is and would likely have done it the same way. External pressures are great motivators but what do you do when it isn't enough of a motivator to overcome executive dysfunction? That's where the biggest problems lie.