I have to pressure myself to do everything

[aubrx]

Is this an autism thing? Or is it related to adhd?
I have noticed this a lot more upon reflection. I was diagnosed with depression and anxiety about a decade before I recently had my autism and adhd diagnosis. The last few years have been extremely hard for me psychologically. Even when I have a consistent few months, I end up falling off at some point but the internal pressure to do things remains the same. The times I just do things or carry out tasks (that others seem to do easily) without feeling pressure from myself are seldom.

People always say "if you keep doing the thing that makes you anxious, it will get better" and "once it's a habit you will just do it without thinking".

This is certainly not what I have experienced and it just makes me frustrated. For example, I always have a bit of anxious energy to go to the gym which I can only describe as a lot of internal pressure mixed with many excuses and a general feeling of wanting to "get out of" doing it. There is that avoidance pattern. It very rarely gets better.

This reaction to 'doing things' has been with me since my teens.. when I was a child I did not notice it as much but it was probably present in a less extreme fashion which is easily overlooked. It is exhausting and leads to a lot of burnout. I am still working with a psychologist to understand and make sense of how my conditions (AuDHD) affect me. I thought it was normal for people to experience a lot of excuse making in daily life. I feel like I try to make excuses for everything. And a lot of the time, they win.

 

[Outdated]

People always say "if you keep doing the thing that makes you anxious, it will get better" and "once it's a habit you will just do it without thinking".

That probably works for people who's issues are psychological where as most of our problems are neurological. And most of our workarounds are just ways of swapping one issue for another.

This reaction to 'doing things' has been with me since my teens.. when I was a child I did not notice it as much but it was probably present in a less extreme fashion which is easily overlooked. It is exhausting and leads to a lot of burnout. I am still working with a psychologist to understand and make sense of how my conditions (AuDHD) affect me. I thought it was normal for people to experience a lot of excuse making in daily life. I feel like I try to make excuses for everything. And a lot of the time, they win.

There's a lot of us in here that can relate to this. Do a bit of reading on autism and Demand Avoidance.

If I see something as an obligation then I get a serious mindset against doing that thing. If I want to do it then there's nothing in the world that can stop me, but if I have to do it....

 

[aubrx]

That probably works for people who's issues are psychological where as most of our problems are neurological. And most of our workarounds are just ways of swapping one issue for another.


There's a lot of us in here that can relate to this. Do a bit of reading on autism and Demand Avoidance.

If I see something as an obligation then I get a serious mindset against doing that thing. If I want to do it then there's nothing in the world that can stop me, but if I have to do it....

What do you mean in regards to swapping one issue for another?

I actually have come across demand avoidance in my time reading about people's experiences and I think I need to research it more - I will raise it with my psychologist. I have always felt that I am just making excuses for no good reason, but am coming to understand that this internalisation may be from my upbringing and not essentially true (however strongly my internal thoughts want to blame me and tell me that I am x or y derogatory terms). It is correlated in a tendency to gaslight myself.

I can definitely relate to what you described about obligations versus personal desires as I recognise that in myself too.. However with the added "benefit" of adhd, I can never decide what I *want* because there are too many *wants* in competition within my mind.

It is comforting to read your response and I appreciate it greatly so thank you for contributing.

 

[Neonatal RRT]

What I have found both in my own life experience, my research on the topic, and here on AF, is that neurodivergent folks...like those with autism...do not find "conventional wisdom" and "helpful advice" very effective. Which sort of puts us in the situation where, through trial and error, frustration, anger, and depressive episodes, we have to find our own way through life and how to do things ourselves. The end result, as many here will attest to, is that our lives, our station in life, our social maturity,...nearly everything is on this sort of delay as compared to our age-matched neurotypical peers. In my case, I think it's on the order of 10-15 years delay...maybe more.

 

[Judge]

I'm beginning to procrastinate over routine things that must be done. Seems like a challenge of sorts to my OCD that pushes me in all kinds of ways.

Wondering as well if this is old-age related in some way. It concerns me.

 

[Judge]

Took a few months to finally push myself to rearrange my computer workstation to a more practical layout. Basically moved it all 90 degrees to another wall so I could accommodate my "comfy chair".

For most other humanoids, this would be someone's dining room attached to a small kitchen.

 

[aubrx]

What I have found both in my own life experience, my research on the topic, and here on AF, is that neurodivergent folks...like those with autism...do not find "conventional wisdom" and "helpful advice" very effective. Which sort of puts us in the situation where, through trial and error, frustration, anger, and depressive episodes, we have to find our own way through life and how to do things ourselves. The end result, as many here will attest to, is that our lives, our station in life, our social maturity,...nearly everything is on this sort of delay as compared to our age-matched neurotypical peers. In my case, I think it's on the order of 10-15 years delay...maybe more.

I always thought there was something wrong with me and that's why the typical advice never really worked "just eat healthy, exercise, sleep". I've done all those things and they never really worked for long. I'm almost 31 and I definitely feel there is a significant delay also not helped by being transgender which has added to the delay. This has all gotten to the point that I get so frustrated that I wish I'd be able to go to sleep and not wake up so I don't have to face the world and it's pressures (and my own astronomical expectations). It's not fun to clamber through life like this.

I'm beginning to procrastinate over routine things that must be done. Seems like a challenge of sorts to my OCD that pushes me in all kinds of ways.

Wondering as well if this is old-age related in some way. It concerns me.

I empathise with your procrastination as it is a hallmark of ADHD, it drives me mad to see disorganised spaces and mess, but whether I can attack those things day to day is another story.

I have also heard by many people that these symptoms can get worse with age in some people so it would not surprise me if you feel it getting worse. Do you have any help or support with it?

PS. That is a very satisfying space to see in your photo. My brain appreciates the organisation!

 

[Judge]

I always thought there was something wrong with me and that's why the typical advice never really worked "just eat healthy, exercise, sleep". I've done all those things and they never really worked for long. I'm almost 31 and I definitely feel there is a significant delay also not helped by being transgender which has added to the delay. This has all gotten to the point that I get so frustrated that I wish I'd be able to go to sleep and not wake up so I don't have to face the world and it's pressures (and my own astronomical expectations). It's not fun to clamber through life like this.



I empathise with your procrastination as it is a hallmark of ADHD, it drives me mad to see disorganised spaces and mess, but whether I can attack those things day to day is another story.

I have also heard by many people that these symptoms can get worse with age in some people so it would not surprise me if you feel it getting worse. Do you have any help or support with it?

PS. That is a very satisfying space to see in your photo. My brain appreciates the organisation!

Nope, no support at all other than to come here. I'm a classic senior citizen, retired living in near isolation. Though I crave solitude to a point where loneliness is not such an issue for me.

I've continued to wonder whether or not I may have comorbid ADHD. As for my sense of organization, that's driven by something else directly at odds with my procrastination. My comorbid OCD. Which keeps me busy and organized, but it can be exhausting at times as unlike my autism, it doesn't stop when I close my front door to the outside world.

One of my regimens is to always make my bed no matter what. Yet two days ago I waited until I was almost ready for bed to make it. I haven't put it off so long in ages. Go figure.

 

[Outdated]

What do you mean in regards to swapping one issue for another?

We are a social species and no matter how uncomfortable it makes us feel we have to learn how to get along in the world. Social networks are generally how we manage to find everything we need in life but this socialising comes with a cost. It wearies us, wears us out, and different people respond to this in different ways.

Eventually we try to find a balance between how much of a social life we need to maintain a good life and how much time we need away from all of that to recover our resilience again. That balance shifts as we get older too, when we're older we don't need as much of a social life and it takes us longer to recover from overexposure.

 

[aubrx]

Nope, no support at all other than to come here. I'm a classic senior citizen, retired living in near isolation. Though I crave solitude to a point where loneliness is not such an issue for me.

I've continued to wonder whether or not I may have comorbid ADHD. As for my sense of organization, that's driven by something else directly at odds with my procrastination. My comorbid OCD. Which keeps me busy and organized, but it can be exhausting at times as unlike my autism, it doesn't stop when I close my front door to the outside world.

One of my regimens is to always make my bed no matter what. Yet two days ago I waited until I was almost ready for bed to make it. I haven't put it off so long in ages. Go figure.

I see, the social isolation is typically how I deal with life. So I can understand not feeling lonely as I tend towards that, however I do live in my parent's house so this may not be entirely true if I were to ever live on my own. ADHD can definitely present with OCD so that's not an invalid assumption. My rule of thumb is if it affects life day to day so much that one cannot function or live a "normal" life that is fulfilling, it's worth getting help. That's how I approach my life anyway.. But there are times it's just too much to deal with and "don't care" becomes the default reaction. Yes to making the bed, that's something I try to do. At least as one good thing in a day.

We are a social species and no matter how uncomfortable it makes us feel we have to learn how to get along in the world. Social networks are generally how we manage to find everything we need in life but this socialising comes with a cost. It wearies us, wears us out, and different people respond to this in different ways.

Eventually we try to find a balance between how much of a social life we need to maintain a good life and how much time we need away from all of that to recover our resilience again. That balance shifts as we get older too, when we're older we don't need as much of a social life and it takes us longer to recover from overexposure.

Okay understood, I definitely am completely worn out by the need and/or pressure to socially connect with others. Moreso in the present day I have noticed, with the pressures of participating in the use of social media and subsequent erasure of those who refuse to conform to what has now become entrenched in society. That actually correlates to your point of social networks serving as a necessity to navigate life. I find that it gets too overwhelming and withdraw - it is increasingly hard to tolerate people on a whole.

 

[Judge]

That actually correlates to your point of social networks serving as a necessity to navigate life. I find that it gets too overwhelming and withdraw - it is increasingly hard to tolerate people on a whole.

Then factor in that for some they have the circumstances to effectively "retire" not only financially speaking, but socially speaking as well. At times it's like a comfortable, warm blanket.

 

[aubrx]

Then factor in that for some they have the circumstances to effectively "retire" not only financially speaking, but socially speaking as well. At times it's like a comfortable, warm blanket.

I can appreciate that as a welcome relief, though I also acknowledge the ones who, prior to retirement, had to live in a neurotypical world often without diagnosis and the associated supports. If you make it that far, that's commendable in it's own way.

 

[Judge]

I can appreciate that as a welcome relief, though I also acknowledge the ones who, prior to retirement, had to live in a neurotypical world often without diagnosis and the associated supports. If you make it that far, that's commendable in it's own way.

Yes, though there remains a cloud over a great many heads on such an issue. That it's no secret that retirement itself is becoming a goal that is unreachable for more people than before.

That much is true as well. Where they may be stuck in the neurotypical universe indefinitely, short of being self-employed. Even my own retirement carries no guarantees, particularly in this environment at the present. Where Medicare and Social Security may be threatened.

 

[Outdated]

Okay understood, I definitely am completely worn out by the need and/or pressure to socially connect with others. Moreso in the present day I have noticed, with the pressures of participating in the use of social media and subsequent erasure of those who refuse to conform to what has now become entrenched in society. That actually correlates to your point of social networks serving as a necessity to navigate life. I find that it gets too overwhelming and withdraw - it is increasingly hard to tolerate people on a whole.

I have resisted the social media thing, but then I'm a much older generation and I can get away with doing that more easily. I really didn't enjoy my few forays in to the social media world and found socialising in real life in general to be much less stressful.

In face to face situations people are a lot more careful about what they say and how they treat other people so the corner pub is a much more friendly place than the internet.

I also found that I had to pick and choose who I socialised with, there's some people I can talk to for hours and still feel comfortable, there's others that can completely burn me out in less than 15 minutes.

 

[NB79]

I have this problem for a long time, i recognize i have to do something, i try to 'mentalize' myself to do it, or force myself, but sometimes i can't end up doing it, idk if this is an autism thing, or what it is.

 

[aubrx]

Yes, though there remains a cloud over a great many heads on such an issue. That it's no secret that retirement itself is becoming a goal that is unreachable for more people than before.

That much is true as well. Where they may be stuck in the neurotypical universe indefinitely, short of being self-employed. Even my own retirement carries no guarantees, particularly in this environment at the present. Where Medicare and Social Security may be threatened.

That is unfortunate and I do share that feeling of retirement being out of reach for many in the coming decades. I can't say that for myself since I don't work, or have never worked a conventional job for long enough to even consider retirement but it must be exhausting for those that don't have the luxury of opting out. What's happening in America is pretty grim.

I have resisted the social media thing, but then I'm a much older generation and I can get away with doing that more easily. I really didn't enjoy my few forays in to the social media world and found socialising in real life in general to be much less stressful.

In face to face situations people are a lot more careful about what they say and how they treat other people so the corner pub is a much more friendly place than the internet.

I also found that I had to pick and choose who I socialised with, there's some people I can talk to for hours and still feel comfortable, there's others that can completely burn me out in less than 15 minutes.

I think anyone who doesn't have to keep up with a social media presence is lucky. I absolutely despise that it has become the default if you want to have a successful business or career. There is a large element of "non existence" if you refuse conform to that world. I am much more comfortable with people who are down to earth and that doesn't really exist online anymore, but it's hard to find in real life too as an introverted autistic person. There definitely are many people who I'd only be able to talk to for a few minutes before getting too burnt out. Thinking about it the most successful friendships I've had have been with other neurodivergent people.

I have this problem for a long time, i recognize i have to do something, i try to 'mentalize' myself to do it, or force myself, but sometimes i can't end up doing it, idk if this is an autism thing, or what it is.

It's so frustrating, and even worse when others (most often neurotypicals) invalidate your genuine experiences by saying they have these times but just get on with it (somehow?!).

That response never sits well with me because it makes me feel that I am to blame for my difficulties.. just "do" the thing, despite the genuine discomfort and mental exhaustion that comes from it. Then you feel it starting to become harder, yet you push through it like everyone says to, and end up burning out. So you don't win because you have to shut off from the world and recover.

 

[Rodafina]

I absolutely despise that it has become the default if you want to have a successful business or career.

What careers require the use of social media? I’m not trying to challenge your thinking, just asking out of ignorance.

… I have noticed, with the pressures of participating in the use of social media and subsequent erasure of those who refuse to conform to what has now become entrenched in society.

What does that erasure look like for you? I don’t understand what you mean.

I don’t have any firsthand knowledge of using social media except for this site. I don’t understand the feeling of it being so essential.

The way you talk about it makes it sound like it is not something you enjoy at all.

 

[aubrx]

What careers require the use of social media? I’m not trying to challenge your thinking, just asking out of ignorance.


What does that erasure look like for you? I don’t understand what you mean.

I don’t have any firsthand knowledge of using social media except for this site. I don’t understand the feeling of it being so essential.

The way you talk about it makes it sound like it is not something you enjoy at all.

I will speak of fields relevant to my experience. Art and photography (of which I do both) require a significant amount of social media presence to make a living from, in my experience. Essentially if you do not post on instagram or Facebook often and exploit the algorithms via SEO, your work will not be seen by potential customers. You can enter competitions and exhibit your work, you can sell your products (via online hosting websites), but social media is the main vehicle of exposure these days. This is particularly relevant to categories of work that don't involve cultivating connections in person such as landscape photography for example, as opposed to wedding photography where you interact with the customers in a shoot.

As for erasure, I have in the past lost contact with people for not using social media. I have also had people ask me for Facebook for example and am met with blank looks if I respond that I do not use it. When reading about photography or any other creative work one of the major recurring suggestions is to get on social media to promote your work, which I find too overwhelming due to the highly manufactured, extremely competitive state of social media platforms. There is a lot of pressure to be visible and have an audience in order to make a living. With the advent of AI, the commodification of attention, and algorithm based feeds, "visibility" is increasingly hard to maintain. Personally this is the point where I withdraw because it is all too hard.

I used to run my own photography business, not professionally but as a hobby. This was before every online platform became over run with AI and low quality content. It was much easier to navigate and keep customers interested in my work.

 

[Rodafina]

I will speak of fields relevant to my experience. Art and photography (of which I do both) require a significant amount of social media presence to make a living from, in my experience. Essentially if you do not post on instagram or Facebook often and exploit the algorithms via SEO, your work will not be seen by potential customers. You can enter competitions and exhibit your work, you can sell your products (via online hosting websites), but social media is the main vehicle of exposure these days. This is particularly relevant to categories of work that don't involve cultivating connections in person such as landscape photography for example, as opposed to wedding photography where you interact with the customers in a shoot.

As for erasure, I have in the past lost contact with people for not using social media. I have also had people ask me for Facebook for example and am met with blank looks if I respond that I do not use it. When reading about photography or any other creative work one of the major recurring suggestions is to get on social media to promote your work, which I find too overwhelming due to the highly manufactured, extremely competitive state of social media platforms. There is a lot of pressure to be visible and have an audience in order to make a living. With the advent of AI, the commodification of attention, and algorithm based feeds, "visibility" is increasingly hard to maintain. Personally this is the point where I withdraw because it is all too hard.

I used to run my own photography business, not professionally but as a hobby. This was before every online platform became over run with AI and low quality content. It was much easier to navigate and keep customers interested in my work.

Thanks for explaining. I can understand where you are coming from.

It sounds incredibly stressful to be part of all of that.

I wonder if feeling constantly drained by such things contributes to your difficulty completing tasks.

---

I struggle with tasks, too and have to trick myself into doing most things. I break everything into tiny steps. Once I have taken enough of the easy steps, it’s a bit easier to just get it done.

For example, laundry. First I think about it. Then I write it down (on my daily organizer). A day or so later, I put the laundry bag in a visible spot. Then I move it to the top of the stairs that lead to the washing machine. By then, it becomes more urgent to get it out of the way and I find the motivation. It’s a bit embarrassing to admit little ol’ laundry requires so many steps, but hey, it’s just how I get things done. No sense in beating myself up because so many people just do their damn laundry.

I think one major reason why I struggle so much is that I grew up in a way that left me feeling like everything I did was inadequate and I was very incapable. Everyone did things for me when I was young and subsequently I learned that I am helpless and useless. This left me with an underlying feeling that nothing I do will ever be “good enough.” I’ve had to put a lot of work into realizing my own worth and capability. Still working on it.

 

[Outdated]

I had my annual house inspection today, the place is spotless and it looks good - at the moment. Normally it's a pig sty.

They notified me of the inspection 2 weeks ago. Plenty of time. Last Friday I got around to doing some dishes and half tidying my kitchen. Then on Sunday I managed to make myself start cleaning the bathroom but I only got halfway trough that. I deliberately planned that on Tuesday I'd spend the whole day doing all the housework properly, but that didn't happen.

6:00 am this morning I got stuck in and did it all properly, just 6 hours before the inspection. Finished with 2 hours to spare.

That's very typical of the way things go for me. I'm very organised and good at planning, I'm very efficient at anything I decide to do and when I do a job I do it well. Wedging my lazy arse out of my chair to actually start doing something is the hard part.