I get no respect for things I'm an expert in with my family

[Thumrait]

I'm just kinda venting here.

My family has always thought I'm an idiot, and can't do anything.
I've spent the last 18 years working for the federal government as a pollution investigator, an environmental law enforcement officer. I go over laws, I write up legal paperwork, and I punish people for not following them. Legal paperwork things are exactly what I do every day.

Over the years my Mom has written powers of attorney saying that her boyfriend and my sister can do things for her, I can't do anything. Her boyfriend is a mechanic, my sister is a cartographer (she makes maps). It's always bothered me because I know more about all of this than either of them, but whatever, it's her decision.
My Mom now has very advanced Alzheimer's and is about to move into a home, and now all of this paperwork stuff is starting to come up. Her boyfriend has apparently been doing everything up until now, and my sister has just signed whatever paperwork is handed to her and not paid any attention to it.
My sister is calling me every day to complain about what's going on, because now she wants to be in control of everything and write out the boyfriend, and they're arguing all the time. The boyfriend won't talk to me about any of this (you know, because my Mom has told him I'm an idiot all of these years).
So every day my sister calls me up and complains about the issue of the day. I tell her what I would do, which is the correct way to deal with it, she tells me I'm wrong and then just does what she wants to do anyway...

 

[Yeshuasdaughter]

I'm really sorry for you, but if a person in sound mind gave someone the power of attorney or an executor, that's legally binding. In your line of work, you know that.

If I became incapacitated I would only name specific relatives to get control over my fate or my finances. It is not that I like one person over another. A trust is at its base, about trust. Perhaps mom was closer with the sister? Perhaps it's about primogeniture? Is she older than you?

The boyfriend, if mother put that in her will, then the boyfriend does have executive power. They really should have gotten married. It would have made this all much smoother for everyone.

Perhaps in the interim, let your sister know that if she's not going to take your advice, that you will stop giving it.

And go visit your mama. She's in the latter stages of alzheimers? Oh that's heart breaking. If you can't help her financially or legally, at least be there next to her.


(I do not have a living will of any kind, but this kind of thing makes it clear that we all need one.)

 

[Outdated]

So every day my sister calls me up and complains about the issue of the day. I tell her what I would do, which is the correct way to deal with it, she tells me I'm wrong and then just does what she wants to do anyway...

Personally I think you should be happy that your mother chose them and not you and that you should try to distance yourself a bit and leave them to it. I watched my mother go through all of this with her siblings and it wrecked her emotionally, in the end she gave up and left them to it for the sake of her own mental health and the situation splintered her entire family.

 

[Thumrait]

I'm really sorry for you, but if a person in sound mind gave someone the power of attorney or an executor, that's legally binding. In your line of work, you know that.

If I became incapacitated I would only name specific relatives to get control over my fate or my finances. It is not that I like one person over another. A trust is at its base, about trust. Perhaps mom was closer with the sister? Perhaps it's about primogeniture? Is she older than you?

The boyfriend, if mother put that in her will, then the boyfriend does have executive power. They really should have gotten married. It would have made this all much smoother for everyone.

Perhaps in the interim, let your sister know that if she's not going to take your advice, that you will stop giving it.

And go visit your mama. She's in the latter stages of alzheimers? Oh that's heart breaking. If you can't help her financially or legally, at least be there next to her.


(I do not have a living will of any kind, but this kind of thing makes it clear that we all need one.)

Nope, I'm two years older.

You know what, you're correct. This is a living will, my mother has written down what she wants, and all I need to do is follow it. Her wishes were....for me to give no input, because she does not want me to make any decisions.
This actually makes things much easier for me. All I need to do is sit on the sidelines and let my sister and the boyfriend fight it out. That's what my mother wanted.

I was originally looking at this from a practical point of view. If you want someone to make legal decisions for you, wouldn't you choose the one member of the family with actual legal training? But I look at things logically, most people don't do that.

 

[TBRS1]

You're never a prophet in your own home town, and, also, families operate with strange, non-logical relationships.

Expect to be underappreciated by those who think they know you best.

It is troubling, but it is often how things work.

 

[the_tortoise]

If you want someone to make legal decisions for you, wouldn't you choose the one member of the family with actual legal training? But I look at things logically, most people don't do that.

Me personally, not necessarily - And my choice would still be logical.

Legal training doesn't give someone knowledge about me -- about how I think and feel, and what I might want and choose for myself in any given situation. Legal training does not tell someone what is best for me. Legal training does not tell me whether or not a person will correctly understand or even respect my explicitly stated wishes to them.

Knowing me, and my preferences, knowing how I think and feel about specific things and therefore being most likely to accurately guess what I would choose or want for myself in any given situation; And ultimately being someone I could trust to follow any wishes I had explicitly told them as well as to act as they think I would have acted, regardless of whether or not they understood my reasons for my choices, regardless of whether or not what I told them I would want (or what they could guess I would want) is what they would want for me, and regardless of whether or not what I tell them I would choose for myself (or what they could guess I would choose for myself) would be what they would choose for themselves....those are the things that would inform my decisions about whom to give power of attorney.

If the person or people who knew the above things best, who could be trusted to always act according to what I explicitly said I wanted or according to the most likely accurate guess about I would want or choose for myself, happened to have no legal training; While someone whom I was not sure would actually be able to understand my wishes or be able to guess what I would choose for myself did have legal training, their legal training would not matter to me at all. It would not actually be logical to choose them to have power of attorney just because they had legal training, if others seemed to know me better and be more likely to act on my behalf in accordance with my wishes and values.

"Has legal training" does not equal "Knows tortoise best and is most likely to make
choices for tortoise that tortoise would make for himself".

I'm sorry about your mom, and sorry for the painful and frustrating conflicts you find yourself in with your sister and her boyfriend.

And if you are actually the person who can guess best what your mom would choose for herself, not just the only person with legal training, then I am really sorry your entire family is not recognizing how much you understand her.

 

[Neonatal RRT]

At least in my experience a few things could be happening here... and none have solutions unfortunately.

1. Some parents... like my own, for example, will always see their children... as children. You can be 50+ years old, a grandparent yourself... and your parents will treat you like a child, totally regarding anything you say because "You don't have enough life experience to know." It is a lot of infantilizing, disrespectful behavior... but it's also their way of maintaining their matriarchal/patriarchal power over you.
2. If you are neurodivergent, autistic, have any sort of mental condition... diagnosed or not... families, like my own, can disregard the condition and go straight to a perceived "moral diagnosis" of you. No amount of physician documentation will change their minds, they might even reject it outright. It's a cognitive dissonance.

This happens in the professional world too, my profession, where nurses and therapists, who may have far more specialized knowledge, experience, and wisdom in their "little pinky finger" than the physician they are dealing with... yet the physician will totally disregard any advice and do what they want to do... even if it causes harm.

Frustrating, anger-inducing... but there's nothing you can do about it. It is what it is... walk away... let people make their mistakes. As one might say... "You can't fix stupid"

 

[Hypnalis]

So every day my sister calls me up and complains about the issue of the day.

She may be the kind of person that has to describe their situation, need, or issue verbally before they can act.

If so you can help her talk by asking simple questions that help her process (**), but otherwise pay little attention to the monolog. At the end, when asked for input (often phrased as an open question, but that's not what's meant), give a minimal high-level answer that's "on point", but primarily designed for brevity.

(**) "Questions that help her process" are very short questions like "Have you considered X?" or "Are you sure it works that way?". In extreme situations you can ask for something to be explained again.

BTW this is similar to people who "vent". They don't want solutions, nor do they want a meaningful analysis of the topic. They want to be told they were not at fault, and (very often) that they are morally superior to the person they're discussing.

Even if the babble engages your personal analysis/resolution process, it's best not to use it, because it will be unwelcome.

 

[Judge]

So every day my sister calls me up and complains about the issue of the day. I tell her what I would do, which is the correct way to deal with it, she tells me I'm wrong and then just does what she wants to do anyway...

Sadly given the circumstances, it may ultimately be in the best interest of your own mental health to abstain from even discussing such an issue with your sister, given what has already been mentioned. The formal legality of Power of Attorney. They have it, you don't. - Period.

Unless of course you feel compelled to legally contest it, being able to explain to the court (through legal counsel) that there is tangible evidence of abuse, or some kind of violation of their fiduciary duties.

 

[Dagan]

Yeah, I agree with the above. If......if you want to handle things, you do have the education / know how to take it on and likely win out. The trade off will be you personally singling yourself out instead of them, as you will probably make them angry, resentful, etc.

 

[AspieChris]

Just my thoughts here……

My mother it the same. I was berated my whole childhood and through my early 20’s for not doing or wanting to do things that she could brag about to friends. She even amended her will to exclude me from any inheritance if I didn’t “earn a degree from a 4-year accredited college.” When I figured out that she was full of s**t, I disowned her.

She was wrong, and really aggressive about saying she was right. She wanted me to be ‘successful’, meaning that she wanted me to be wealthy and important. You wouldn’t belive how many times I heard “When are you going to quit that dead-end job and go to college.

That “dead-end job” turned into a 35 year career with the same company. I’m married, homeowner, have a great son who is in college now, retired with a pension and medical insurance, etc etc etc. And I’m happy. I would say that I’ve led a very successful life.

Living is for me, not anyone else. It’s my decision to do what is best for me. I learned that anyone who doesn’t like it is entitled to their opinion, and I’m entitled to leave the room if I disagree. I’m also entitled to leave the relationship if that person is constantly berating me, even if it’s a family member. I can’t change anyone elese and it’s not fair for them to expect me to change into something I’m not.

When I began to approach the problem from that angle, it all started making sense. She would never change. I could never meet her unreasonable and impossible expectations. So…. Rather than continuing a game of chess with someone who cheats at checkers, I left.

———-

People change how they act, but not how they feel. A controlling personality will always want to be in control. Maybe your solution is to limit your interactions with these people, or lay down some solid boundaries and make your position very clear to everyone involved.