I found this while digging around online...

[Chance]

I have sat down many times wanting to try an explain some things to some people about me.
Every time I do this I get all flustered in the, "should I do this", and "how do I say that?"

This guy writes stuff that is very close to how I feel and it seems he has struggled in many of the areas I have, or I am struggling in now.

Its not epic or poetic, its just cool that he did what he has done. (too me anyway).

I sometimes gripe that people don't understand ASD, and then we (or me) spend my life not allowing people to understand me, maybe out of fear they will hate me worse then I already feel I am.

I hope this helped him and his situation turns around, but I fear aging and this all getting worse also. Maybe it wont, I pray it wont for anyone who has it.

Read it if you want... : )

https://www.aspennj.org/pdf/information/asd-articles/a-letter-from-an-adult-male-with-as.pdf

 

[LucyPurrs]

I read this a long time ago when I first started researching information about Asperger's. It totally broke my heart and still does upon rereading it. What is so heartbreaking is that it is clear he is an incredibly good person, like you are, and people like this are so rare they should be respected and cherished and not regarded as freaks either by themselves or by others. I can only hope that you will give someone a chance to love you and cherish you because you are a very special person (in a good way) despite how you may feel about yourself.
You are also just as eloquent as this fellow in describing your feelings and your struggles.

 

[OkRad]

"But oh how I ache to my bones to be "normal" and just talk about the weather or something." That line summed it up for me.

If I could relate and know when people are joking or dangerous or mocking me or being an a***hole or being nice................gosh ! If I could just figure that out............

 

[SusanLR]

I had never read this before.
Thanks for sharing it @Chance as I could relate to almost
all of the feelings.

The few things that I found different to myself was:
1. He felt no one really loved anyone else for much of his life.
I felt from birth the only one who really loved me was my Mom. Despite my anxiety, panic disorder, meltdowns, shutdowns, stubborness, easy to anger personality, and many other things I'm probably not remembering now.
Beyond her, I always said I was alone in a world of people.
Now she's gone and I certainly feel that way.

The number of people I have called a friend, you could count on one hand.
2. He spoke of wanting a relationship.
I've had them, but, they never lasted that long.
It really didn't matter as I didn't want marriage or living with someone anyway.
Yes, it's lonely not having anyone to actually be open and talk with when you need.

3. I don't do things I regret saying or doing later.
If I say or do something, I mean it or I don't say or do it
to begin with. I don't comprehend when people say they were angry and said things they didn't mean.

4. Mr. Rowe said he thought himself ugly.
I know I was until physically my looks changed in my mid teens.
I used that for my advantage and became a model.
Just like him, I could be on stage before hundreds of
people and it was fine. But, with just a handful, I can't
look them in the eyes or keep from feeling awkward
not really knowing how to socialise.

My inner desire would be to live in a small, secluded place and go out only when necessary, too.
But, it takes an income more than what I get on SSD.
I don't know if my anxiety would get the best of me alone either. But, if I had the means, I would like to
give it a try in my lifetime.

 

[Fridgemagnetman]

Explanations don't work, I find.

I also wonder if some things worsen as we get older.

I'm getting more annoyed by sounds lately. Finding myself going into another room more often to have silence.
Need a lot of silence at the moment.
Wearing headphones with no sound on for about half the day.

Then I'll be okay again for a while.

 

[Progster]

As a person who was also diagnosed later in life, I can relate to his feeling of being "ripped off" and mourning for a lost life, taking it apart and analysing every aspect of it, but I'm past that stage now, I now think my life was made different by having Asperger's, not necessarily worse. Things are what they are; it's all hypothetical anyway, so there's really no point in dwelling on it, I need to try to look to the future and what I can still do with my life, rather than dwell on the past.

 

[LucyPurrs]

Reading these responses makes me wonder what has to happen or what has to be said to those of you who feel hated and rejected to help you to feel loveable? Because you are, all of you have shown me that you are worth my caring, worth my respect and should be valued as people. I can't say that about any random group of NTs so I'm not trying to BS you either.

It is so frustrating to see the good in someone and not be able to convey this in a way that you can believe it and trust it. What do I need to do differently or is there nothing I can do which will make you feel valued and appreciated and accepted without asking you to make any changes or putting on any conditions?

This is a genuine question on my part. I hope some of you will try to answer it because it is the main thing I struggle with being a member of this forum. So please think about it and try to answer and not just put a like and dismiss the question.

 

[Chance]

Reading these responses makes me wonder what has to happen or what has to be said to those of you who feel hated and rejected to help you to feel loveable? Because you are, all of you have shown me that you are worth my caring, worth my respect and should be valued as people. I can't say that about any random group of NTs so I'm not trying to BS you either.

It is so frustrating to see the good in someone and not be able to convey this in a way that you can believe it and trust it. What do I need to do differently or is there nothing I can do which will make you feel valued and appreciated and accepted without asking you to make any changes or putting on any conditions?

This is a genuine question on my part. I hope some of you will try to answer it because it is the main thing I struggle with being a member of this forum. So please think about it and try to answer and not just put a like and dismiss the question.

Thank you on behalf of all of us...

If I was to write some of the stuff I was told when I was growing up word for word, very often... I would get locked out of this site instantly... Much less the actions that came with those words, or the lies I was forced to tell when stuff went really wrong. Having to lie on how your arm got broke at 7 isn't real easy to do. going back home to that is harder. My mom had a nephew who was a very troubled guy (he was a teenager) and he lived with us. If people ever knew what he did to me, and how many times he threatened to kill me If I dare told... But they probably wouldn't believe me anyway. I was the stupid one who didn't talk anyway...

I sometimes feel (even today - this very day) some people (like me) were placed here as kicking posts so that others cant let their rage out. Over time, it becomes a apart of me, and it goes past hurt, to just acknowledgment of this is a fact it seems. Honestly, I cant sit here and complain. I could one those kids who never made it to adulthood. So, in that I feel "lucky", or guilty sometimes to know kids like me didn't make it. They were truly "CHEATED" and it sucks... But who really cares in these times... Not many.

When some one is nice to me I am always waiting for that lurking "BUT" or the other side of what they were getting at...

I want to believe I am worth being loved, but the facts, and the reoccurring events (one happened today)...
I try so hard to not feel cheated, but being honest I do feel a little cheated, and not lovable UNLESS I am supplying people some use... And after they are through using me they usually discard me, or worse crush me by saying untrue things about me, or making me look like sort of a fool to think I can be like them...
In this I have to fight everyday to not to feel like some "victim."

I don't get a text, or a phone call, unless it is to fix someones problem... NEVER.

I sometimes look back to maybe when I was 7 (that was a crappy, crappy year)... If someone, ANYONE, had have noticed what people notice today... Gosh, how so very different would my life be. I was in situations that today people would be in prison for. I would be yanked in a split second... I used to dream of other people, (even strangers) being my parents... Because a total stranger might love me more than the people who gave me life.

Yet in all that stuff... It made me stronger in ways that other people can even imagine, but at the same time I lost most all my trust in people. Today was yet one more reason.

I hope someday I will get back what I have not given back. If that were measured in money...
I would be a billionaire, no doubt. I have spent my life ducking, and turning the other cheek, trying to just stay out of peoples way.

Weirdly I know I am very intelligent (never trying to brag)... Instead of some "GIFT", its like a CURSE.

Its how people use me, even people close to me... Its why I get in trouble because I'm not stupid at any level. I may suck at emotions, conversation, and how my surroundings affect me, but stupid I am not.
Yet to dare and dream of doing something great is like getting hit in the face with a baseball bat... It hurts.

At the end of the day... I can set around and whine, be pissed off, be a victim, or just move forward. Move forward is what I do. Its a little empty, but its all I got... : )

 

[Fridgemagnetman]

At the end of the day... I can set around and whine, be pissed off, be a victim, or just move forward. Move forward is what I do. Its a little empty, but its all I got... : )

Yep. Once people realise you don't have boumdaries they'll walk all over you.
I have or had a similar problem.
I got rid of the people doing it.

(Non murderously)

There's a book called the power of No.

A word I was no good at using... the users disappear once NO appears.
They can bad talk, but anyone who believes that... eventually avoid.
You may be left with no-one but you can build it up again.

 

[Chance]

Yep. Once people realise you don't have boumdaries they'll walk all over you.
I have or had a similar problem.
I got rid of the people doing it.

(Non murderously)

There's a book called the power of No.

A word I was no good at using... the users disappear once NO appears.
They can bad talk, but anyone who believes that... eventually avoid.
You may be left with no-one but you can build it up again.

Some times NO ONE is a good thing... It’s lonely but I dont feel like a human door mat. : )

 

[LucyPurrs]

Yup, Fridge's advice is good and the power of no may help you to find your true friends. In any case you both have my deep respect, admiration, affection and faith that ye shall overcome. And, I won't ask you to do anything except continue to be you. You don't have to be lonely, I and this forum will listen and be there for you any time.
Fridge said: "You may be left with no-one but you can build it up again. " Start here.

The Power of No: Because One Little Word Can Bring Health, Abundance, and Happiness
Book by Claudia Azula Altucher and James Altucher