I finally found something that describes my partner of 27 years...

[lovemyaspiespouse]

I have been in a committed lesbian relationship for 27 years. We had a business together for 11 years and worked really well together. We have two wonderful kids in high school, a boy and a girl (we each gave birth, using the same donor) - I am 56 and she is 54. I have always known that my wife was different than me; very different as a matter of fact. She has so many amazing qualities, and she is brilliant with numbers. Sadly, her disorganization, tardiness and oversight of details caused her own business to recently fail. I have been at home with the kids working part time on and off, throughout their life, but now she says she cannot work and I need to find a job. Frankly, I don't believe that she could keep it all together at home - I can't work any harder than I am and I am praying for patience and gratitude. I don't have a degree nor are we prepared for retirement. And I feel like once again, I need to pick up the slack. Sorry, I'm venting.
We have been through so much together, but the last 8 years have had some especially difficult times and we just seem to be arguing more and staying away from each other and doing our own thing. The tipping point came about a year ago when she ran into the rear of another car, totaling her own vehicle, while out working. She was not hurt and somehow the car was still drive-able so she continued on to her next, last appointment of the evening. I knew with one look that it was a total loss, but she shrugged it off, saying, "it will be fine". This comes after years of lost keys, forgotten purses, forgotten appointments, repeated embarrassing dinners with friends and family where she would interrupt, talk over and lecture, often getting into an argument or embarrassing me with some insensitive remark and the list goes on ...........
Now that I found this sight, I feel so vindicated and glad to see I am not crazy (since I am blamed for almost everything), however I also feel a sense of hopelessness after reading the treatment and cure(none). In the last month, I have been suggesting that we try harder to bring mindfulness into our relationship, most especially communication. I can't count the number of times I have asked her to please pause and think before talking, in certain situations because she either hurts my feelings or really pisses me off (the more popular one) or other people. I have been trying to be hopeful that things could change, even a little - it's like having a child for a mate. Is being completely distracted at all times with a need to have a tv on constantly while at home part of Asperger's? I could write chapters, but here's a start at least - thanks for this place.
PS I wish we could talk about it but she is so defensive - I have become very tired and overburdened through these many years with someone who thinks they know everything, is bossy and will correct you no matter what. I must seem like such a *****.

 

[Beverly]

Well, if she is an Aspie, she might be able to learn to put on an acceptable act in public but, that would be the extent of it. Home is supposed to be a place we can relax, be ourselves and, not have to wear that public façade. That means uncensored, honest to a fault, never leaving out details, calling it as we see it, right or wrong, no matter what whomever lives with us thinks. Honesty is better than false good feelings to us.

Because of my career, I do understand the importance of keeping it kosher in public and, appearing "normal" (hate that word in this context.) but, I would not survive long in a relationship in which I could not be myself in private and, with close friends. Take me as I am or leave me is my motto and, if that means I can't be with someone, so be it, I am not going to be a fake just to have a relationship that's built on a lie anyway - not worth it. I do me and, I'm proud of me. That me is bluntly honest, persnickety about certain things, selfish at times, career oriented, and, my career and passions come before relationships, that's how it is. (yeah just cost me a marriage but, hey, I'm not sacrificing my career or what is important to me for anyone.)

 

[DC1346]

I have been at home with the kids working part time on and off, throughout their life, but now she says she cannot work and I need to find a job. Frankly, I don't believe that she could keep it all together at home

I don't understand. Why can't she work? Is she stressed out because her business failed? Is there some reason why she can't find a job?

I also don't understand your concern about her ability to keep it together. She's an adult. Surely she doesn't need a baby sitter.

As a reclusive introvert, I don't know much about relationships but after having lived financially on my own for the last 33 years I do know that someone (in my case, me) has to work in order to put food on the table and to keep a roof over my head.

If your wife isn't able (or willing) to work, someone will have to step up to the plate.

I know that you're not happy about this, but really - what other choices do you have? You've had the luxury of being able to work part time for several years. Why do you feel that you can't work full time?

It seems to me that marriage is a partnership. The best marriages seem to be those in which a couple have an equal partnership that involves supporting each other. Right now, your partner is hurting. She wrecked her car. She lost her business. Are you going to add to her stress by telling her that you will not step up to the plate? And if you choose not to find a job, are you prepared to lose your home if the two of you can't pay your bills?

 

[lovemyaspiespouse]

Well, if she is an Aspie, she might be able to learn to put on an acceptable act in public but, that would be the extent of it. Home is supposed to be a place we can relax, be ourselves and, not have to wear that public façade. That means uncensored, honest to a fault, never leaving out details, calling it as we see it, right or wrong, no matter what whomever lives with us thinks. Honesty is better than false good feelings to us.

Because of my career, I do understand the importance of keeping it kosher in public and, appearing "normal" (hate that word in this context.) but, I would not survive long in a relationship in which I could not be myself in private and, with close friends. Take me as I am or leave me is my motto and, if that means I can't be with someone, so be it, I am not going to be a fake just to have a relationship that's built on a lie anyway - not worth it. I do me and, I'm proud of me. That me is bluntly honest, persnickety about certain things, selfish at times, career oriented, and, my career and passions come before relationships, that's how it is. (yeah just cost me a marriage but, hey, I'm not sacrificing my career or what is important to me for anyone.)

Thanks for your reply. I don't want her to be anyone but herself, but if that must include no boundaries, refusal to see that she has any part in any long term problems we have had .......... well, I just don't know. Maybe 27 years is just too long to take figuring out why we seem like we are from different planets (yes I know that site). Maybe this site will help me understand ......... anyway thank you

 

[lovemyaspiespouse]

I don't understand. Why can't she work? Is she stressed out because her business failed? Is there some reason why she can't find a job?

I also don't understand your concern about her ability to keep it together. She's an adult. Surely she doesn't need a baby sitter.

As a reclusive introvert, I don't know much about relationships but after having lived financially on my own for the last 33 years I do know that someone (in my case, me) has to work in order to put food on the table and to keep a roof over my head.

If your wife isn't able (or willing) to work, someone will have to step up to the plate.

I know that you're not happy about this, but really - what other choices do you have? You've had the luxury of being able to work part time for several years. Why do you feel that you can't work full time?

It seems to me that marriage is a partnership. The best marriages seem to be those in which a couple have an equal partnership that involves supporting each other. Right now, your partner is hurting. She wrecked her car. She lost her business. Are you going to add to her stress by telling her that you will not step up to the plate? And if you choose not to find a job, are you prepared to lose your home if the two of you can't pay your bills?

Thank you for your reply. She has anxiety which has become extremely severe after her becoming more forgetful and tardy for her appointments, which caused her to lose her clients and the grand finale was wrecking her car. Of course, I can't tell you all the details right here, but she has had more phones and car accidents than I can count. I see clearly that stress is the opposite of what she needs. I only "discovered" the possibility of Aspergers after I realized that things had become unhealthy for our kids and also I honestly felt like I was going insane. She seems much worse. The sky is blue - no, it's green. What the heck??? I can't respond without addressing your "luxury of being able to work part time for several years" .... um, 2 kids from toddlers to teens and working part time, doing 3/4 of housework, 100% of shopping and picking up after 3 people has hardly been any kind of charmed life. She sees nothing but me at fault. She cant keep track of her phone, keys, appointments and sees that she needs to work on some things but I don't believe she could remember where the kids need to be when or run this house - I've been trying for 27 years .........................

 

[tree]

 

[PrincessRuto]

Hugs! I hope you are able to find some understanding and help to get your relationship to a better place. Your story sounds incredibly similar to my grandpa, who had early onset Alzheimer's, which was suspected in his late 40s and diagnosed in his early 50s after a car crash, then forced retirement. It might be something to look into if her behavior began to change for the worse 8 years ago. Either way, it may be worth seeing a doctor for an evaluation, especially since it sounds like the anxiety and forgetfulness is effecting her daily life. I hope you both can find some answers and peace in your situation.