I feel lost and angry - diagnosed in my mid 50s

[Hannay247]

I was recently diagnosed with ASD or Asperger’s whatever it’s being called these days, and I’m trying my best to understand how I could have been so completely unaware of this. i’m happy I know now, but I feel like a complete and utter idiot. I was trying to make my way in life, and outwardly, my family and ‘friends’ saw a bubbly, confident, ambitious, successful woman, which for the most part I believed was true, but I now know I was a master of ‘masking’.

I thought I was great with people, I could get on with anyone, which was true at first, but every friendship I made, would finish abruptly and I’d never know why. I’m not a bad person, I’m not perfect but I go out of my way to be kind and compassionate when I can. I respect people, I keep confidences, I’m very loyal, but every one I thought cared about me, in the end, didn’t. I didn’t even suspect anything was wrong when they were actively trashing me to people we knew. Why have I met so many haters?

I look around the world and see people have friends they’ve known all their lives, who they can depend on; I don’t know how they do it, I don’t know how to do that. They have families who love them, or at least take an interest in their lives. My therapist also diagnosed me with c-PTSD, a result of ‘my childhood needs not being met’ and suspects my parents have undiagnosed Asperger’s too; but knowing any of that doesn’t help. I can’t undo the car crash of a life I’ve had, I can’t get back any of those years I’ve lost. She also believes undiagnosed autism and my constant struggling through life having to depend only on myself caused Cushing’s syndrome which I had for 20 years. I was ‘cured’ in 2011 but I’ve been housebound since then because of an error made my doctor, or the endocrine consultant, I don’t know yet, but me and my husband were trying for a family, hoping to adopt, but it’s too late now, I’m still not well enough.

I do have a lot to be thankful for despite everything that’s happened, I just wish I had a friend I could trust and talk to, or maybe someone here could tell me how I find one, because I can’t trust my own judgement, I’ve no clue when someone is being unkind, deceitful or worse.

And finally, I over share…why don’t people want to talk about important things?
thanks

 

[Misery]

First of all: You're not an idiot just because you didnt know about having autism. It's happened to many of us. It's one of those things that's just really hard to see coming, even when you know it exists and have some info on it prior to that. Even for medical professionals, it's pretty difficult to diagnose it and figure it all out. Dont be too hard on yourself.

As for making friends, well... why not start here? Everybody here is very friendly and very accepting of others. Like, I had to come out about my gender issues recently, which was super scary, and I got nothing but support and positivity from everyone here. Seriously, it's a great place.

If you have something serious you want to discuss, or have questions about autism in general, or just want to chat... you can do those things here. Heck, chat with me, if you'd like. Or there are many others who would be happy to talk with you directly, too.

Lastly: Dont worry about oversharing. Again, this is a very accepting and supporting sort of place. Talk about what you feel you want to talk about, and give details that you feel you want to give. There's definitely some here who do have a tendency to give a lot of details, myself included, and that's always been just fine here.

 

[Atrapa Almas]

Welcome to where you belong.

Try not to blame yourself much, there are few people who care about us. We must be kind to ourselves.

 

[Neonatal RRT]

I was recently diagnosed with ASD or Asperger’s whatever it’s being called these days, and I’m trying my best to understand how I could have been so completely unaware of this. i’m happy I know now, but I feel like a complete and utter idiot. I was trying to make my way in life, and outwardly, my family and ‘friends’ saw a bubbly, confident, ambitious, successful woman, which for the most part I believed was true, but I now know I was a master of ‘masking’.

I thought I was great with people, I could get on with anyone, which was true at first, but every friendship I made, would finish abruptly and I’d never know why. I’m not a bad person, I’m not perfect but I go out of my way to be kind and compassionate when I can. I respect people, I keep confidences, I’m very loyal, but every one I thought cared about me, in the end, didn’t. I didn’t even suspect anything was wrong when they were actively trashing me to people we knew. Why have I met so many haters?

I look around the world and see people have friends they’ve known all their lives, who they can depend on; I don’t know how they do it, I don’t know how to do that. They have families who love them, or at least take an interest in their lives. My therapist also diagnosed me with c-PTSD, a result of ‘my childhood needs not being met’ and suspects my parents have undiagnosed Asperger’s too; but knowing any of that doesn’t help. I can’t undo the car crash of a life I’ve had, I can’t get back any of those years I’ve lost. She also believes undiagnosed autism and my constant struggling through life having to depend only on myself caused Cushing’s syndrome which I had for 20 years. I was ‘cured’ in 2011 but I’ve been housebound since then because of an error made my doctor, or the endocrine consultant, I don’t know yet, but me and my husband were trying for a family, hoping to adopt, but it’s too late now, I’m still not well enough.

I do have a lot to be thankful for despite everything that’s happened, I just wish I had a friend I could trust and talk to, or maybe someone here could tell me how I find one, because I can’t trust my own judgement, I’ve no clue when someone is being unkind, deceitful or worse.

And finally, I over share…why don’t people want to talk about important things?
thanks

I was not diagnosed until 52. So, welcome to the club.

Here's the deal with the phenomenon you,...and I,...and a lot of other people experience. It is quite possible,...common even,...to be oblivious of your differences if you are born with them. I learned this many years ago, working at the children's hospital. Children born with physical anomalies,...blindness, deafness, cardiac issues, lung issues, missing limbs,...they are often the last to complain, and the first to simply adapt and overcome without any help from the outside. They have never known any different. Pain clinics also experience this phenomenon,...where pain, to some extent, is psychological,...in our minds, we are grieving the lack of pain, so we focus upon it. Special ops soldiers are conditioned to ignore pain and discomfort, as are many professional athletes,...it's not until they are no longer doing those activities that pain becomes an issue for them. So it is with autism,...part of the condition is a general lack of perspective taking, combined with a bit of social avoidance, and communication difficulties,...and the fact, we were born with it and have never known any different. As a result, many can go for decades just walking around in their own world, totally oblivious that their perception of the world around them is significantly different than that of others. It isn't until we start noticing all the subtleties, having difficulties, having confusion as to why others don't seem to be having the problems that we are,...that we start to question,...and then the journey for answers begins.

I just discovered I had alexithymia,...yesturday. I was describing it for years,...but didn't know it had a name. You are on a new journey of discovering yourself. Education, education, and more education. You literally cannot know enough about the topic to satisfy your curiosity at this point. It's going to take years.

So,...welcome to the forums. It's a great group of people to bounce your thoughts, ideas, and concerns off of.

 

[Forest Cat]

My story is similar to yours. I was diagnosed in my 30s and I experienced much of the the same as you. I always knew something was wrong or 'off', but a doctor made a mistake when I was very young and he thought it was something else. After I was diagnosed I started thinking back and saw things a little differently. I wasn't as on top of things as I thought I was. And it was always difficult to keep friendships. I had some hard realizations. And I was lost and confused and angry for a while too.

 

[Nitro]

 

[VictorR]

Welcome! We can't change the past, but the future is still unwritten and it's up to you on how that story unfolds. While it may be painful to look back on what you've missed, after some reflection, perhaps we can take a look forward to begin the healing and forging on ahead?

To quote Shakespeare in The Tempest

Whereof what's past is prologue; what to come, In yours and my discharge

 

[Thinx]

Hi and welcome. Knowledge is power, and when you are aware of your different neurology you can understand more and also develop strategies to help with difficulties, although in some ways we are just different, from the neurotypical majority. That doesn't mean we are lesser though, you are a valuable individual, as are we all.

Differences and difficulties in unstructured social interaction are very typical of what we may experience, I see this as a mutual difference though, people who have the majority ease of communication are on the same wavelength and more comfortable because they are in a majority, not because they are better. Being baffled by trying to relate to others socially and make friends is typical of what we may have experienced, without diagnosis. At least now there's an explanation.

I think it is good to be cautious making friends and acquaintances, and see how things go over time, but I believe there are plenty of kind and well meaning people out there.

 

[stevens]

Welcome! Why don't people want to talk about important things? Beats me, but that question describes the essential problem for me.

I'm sorry this diagnosis was a shock and a downer. I got mine more than 20 years after I figured out what probably was wrong. I was in the dark for almost 40 years before that. So in my case the diagnosis was just a confirmation of some very convenient explanations. I don't know why, but it made me feel a little better. It hasn't solved anything, of course. Just perhaps there is one exception: Less self blame. But I'm probably at least as bitter about it as you are.

 

[Neonatal RRT]

And finally, I over share…why don’t people want to talk about important things?
thanks

Well,...some do,...but it's so much easier to be intellectually lazy and stick to one's "system 1" thinking, function on an emotional level, and talk about people and their personal truths. It's a refreshing thing to talk to someone who can bypass cognitive biases, understand perspective and context, talk about objective truths and ideas.

The interesting thing,...which I am just now putting together the pieces, is that statistically speaking, about 50% of autistics have this personality trait called alexithymia,...a mind-body disconnect when it comes to their emotions,...and a person like that is, I believe, less likely to have these emotionally-based interactions. There still may be cognitive biases and personal truths to work around, but it's been my observation here on the forums that, overall,...there can be some pretty in-depth conversations going on.

So, to answer your question, "Why don't people want to talk about important things?" Since that is your observation and experience,...it says more about the people around you. Sometimes you just need to change the people around you to have a different experience.

 

[autism-and-autotune]

I was recently diagnosed with ASD or Asperger’s whatever it’s being called these days, and I’m trying my best to understand how I could have been so completely unaware of this. i’m happy I know now, but I feel like a complete and utter idiot. I was trying to make my way in life, and outwardly, my family and ‘friends’ saw a bubbly, confident, ambitious, successful woman, which for the most part I believed was true, but I now know I was a master of ‘masking’.

I thought I was great with people, I could get on with anyone, which was true at first, but every friendship I made, would finish abruptly and I’d never know why. I’m not a bad person, I’m not perfect but I go out of my way to be kind and compassionate when I can. I respect people, I keep confidences, I’m very loyal, but every one I thought cared about me, in the end, didn’t. I didn’t even suspect anything was wrong when they were actively trashing me to people we knew. Why have I met so many haters?

I look around the world and see people have friends they’ve known all their lives, who they can depend on; I don’t know how they do it, I don’t know how to do that. They have families who love them, or at least take an interest in their lives. My therapist also diagnosed me with c-PTSD, a result of ‘my childhood needs not being met’ and suspects my parents have undiagnosed Asperger’s too; but knowing any of that doesn’t help. I can’t undo the car crash of a life I’ve had, I can’t get back any of those years I’ve lost. She also believes undiagnosed autism and my constant struggling through life having to depend only on myself caused Cushing’s syndrome which I had for 20 years. I was ‘cured’ in 2011 but I’ve been housebound since then because of an error made my doctor, or the endocrine consultant, I don’t know yet, but me and my husband were trying for a family, hoping to adopt, but it’s too late now, I’m still not well enough.

I do have a lot to be thankful for despite everything that’s happened, I just wish I had a friend I could trust and talk to, or maybe someone here could tell me how I find one, because I can’t trust my own judgement, I’ve no clue when someone is being unkind, deceitful or worse.

And finally, I over share…why don’t people want to talk about important things?
thanks

Thank you for your post. I resonate very much with a lot of what you're saying, even though I'm about twenty or so years younger than you. When I got my diagnosis I felt very very angry, especially with my parents. Why wasn't my diagnosis caught when I was younger? I'd already been diagnosed with a learning disability. Going undiagnosed for my childhood and all of young adulthood made life...well, very tough. School, work, relationships; all of it. And I never knew why.

'Why don't people want to talk about important thing?' I've asked myself this question many times, especially regarding my parents. They never talked about or expressed emotions. I never knew who they were, truly, as people. They never talked about things like depression or mental health or any of that stuff. Despite giving me support for therapy, they were also the reason I was in therapy. I've hidden many things from them--including, most recently, my autism.