I'm tired I feel like im a robot or an alien between humans, they all look like dumb animals to me.
I'm hyperaware of everything I'm incable of believing in any Abrahamic religion wich makes me a weirdo in so many eyes I'm weird I don't think I'm capable of having fun. I like having deep conversations and don't understand the normal conversations people do I don't get it.
I hate it I'm so tired I wanna be normal.
Life doesn't feel worth living maybe I should just be alone
I see where you are going with all of this... and I think we can all empathize and sympathize with this sort of thinking at some level. I often feel like a visiting alien, disguised as a human, here to observe. I am present and aware, but not able to "connect" with neurotypicals... and they cannot connect with me. Emotional neutrality is often the "resting state"... very little highs and lows. However, when strong emotions are present... they are very strong... not regulated... and it's embarrassing to loose that self control, so I push it down hard to regain that composure. I love deep conversations... really digging into topics... but have little interest in talking about people. The eyes glaze over, they cut the discussion short, and exit the interaction. Sure, it comes off as if they are of "lower intellect"... and it may be true in some cases... and it is isolating, in and of itself. For example, if you are in the 90th percentile of intelligence for the general population... 9/10 people are of lesser intellect, and it is isolating. There are only 30 IQ points between being "mentally retarded" (70) and the mean/normal for the general population (100)... so if your IQ is 130... you are perceiving "normal" people as equivalent to "retarded". Let that thought settle in. This is very frustrating, isolating, even angering, always being misunderstood, rarely "connecting" with anyone. However, you can not allow them to bring you down psychologically... embrace your differences. You aren't "other people"... and take comfort in that.
That said, given all the pros and cons that I personally experience with my autism in this world...knowing what this world has become... a neurotypical world of pain and suffering, wars, greed, corruption, divisiveness, superficial social interactions, a general lack of logic and reason, a world that is fueled by emotional thinking... I have zero interest in being "normal". I am perfectly fine separating myself, creating distance from all of "that". Life can be good if you can keep your mind and body busy, with a purpose, with goals, with direction, with creativity, purposefully reducing the negativity in your life, being kind,... and that is all upon you. Stop chasing what others have... jealousy and envy only lead to suffering... besides, "What makes you think others are any happier than you?". If others are not "deep thinkers", maybe they are "blissfully unaware". You focus upon you.
"I do not think I am human." Well, there is a stream of thought that suggests that autism just might be another step in human evolution. Maybe we are feeling evolutionary "growing pains"... we are "intermediary steps", incomplete, and we just call them "symptoms" because we are experiencing things that "normal" people do not experience. Maybe in a few hundred years (at the rate things are going)... will autism be the "norm"? Will communication via telepathy/shared consciousness (some non-speakers have this ability) be just another form of "normal" communication for us? An interesting thought experiment.
weirdly you kinda snapped me out of it I don't know how to explain it
