I don't think I can live anymore

[lostinlife]

This world is a horrible place for the unfortunate. Everyone wants to hurt you and no one cares about you.

I am severely autistic and I was bullied by almost everyone who came to know me longer than a few days. Almost everyone in school, including the teachers mentally tortured me for being slow. It's like hundreds of bullying incidents from hundreds of people. What sucks is when I still accidentally bump into some of these people after all these years. They still love to crack a mean joke at me and give a pat on my belly to make me feel inferior. I wish I had the money to leave this country filled with so many horrible memories but I am dirt poor.

My own parents hate me for being retarded. I have nowhere to go. No job, no money, no skills, I have nothing except my 23 year old hairy ass.

The complex ptsd caused by all these emotional scars has reached another level. I am having heart problems and I am pretty sure I will have a heart failure if this keeps going on. Of course no one will miss my unlucky ass in this cursed planet. I just wish I had the courage and willpower to kill myself before I die due to the scars created by my enemies.

 

[Aspychata]

Please call 911, or go to the emergency room, if these thoughts persist. We have good days, we have bad days, try to find some good in your life.

 

[lostinlife]

there is nothing good, only bad things keep happening. I feel angry at the world for taking away everything from me. I mean what am I supposed to to do? I must be the biggest loser in history. I don't get how people got satisfaction by bullying me and hurting my feelings. Humans are nothing but animals I tell you that. They only care for you if you are of any use to them, or else they mess you over anyway they can. I wish my parents never sent me to school, that way I wouldn't have so many horrible experiences in life. I feel like I am cursed by God.

 

[Fino]

Wow, I've had identical thoughts before.
And sounds like identical experiences. Anyone I knew longer than a few days--same thing.

Hello, brother of misery!

I'm 26, you're 23. When I was 23, I felt just how you describe so I took 200 aspirin. Don't do that. It hurts. A lot.

Sometimes I randomly cry in joy of being alive, in regret of trying so hard to die, and in gratitude at having failed.

But before that, I was miserable every day for years, covered myself in scars that are now covered by tattoos, and abused so many drugs parts of my brain are probably mush.

I've also had people think I'm retarded, and I was in remedial classes in high-school. I was probably smarter than 99% of the school, including the teachers, and they were all so stupid that I don't even feel arrogant saying that.

Everyone in my life for years was awful.

Now everyone is wonderful! Kind and loving beyond anything I could have imagined or thought I deserved. I did not see that coming at all.

Life is far more mysterious than you know. Sometimes you just have to wait, remaining alive. Keep coming here! Vent as much as you want! It will help! Just being here will help. The people here are magical. Wait and see!

 

[Deanomyite]

You aren't a loser. i bet you are a very sensitive person. My wife sometimes feels the way you describe and wants to hurt herself ( she has autism also). She was bullied and still has emotional scars from it. You aren't alone even though you may feel that way. I wish you had someone in your life that understood what it means to be autistic so you don't have to feel like there is something wrong with you.

 

[Up north.]

there is nothing good, only bad things keep happening. I feel angry at the world for taking away everything from me. I mean what am I supposed to to do? I must be the biggest loser in history. I don't get how people got satisfaction by bullying me and hurting my feelings. Humans are nothing but animals I tell you that. They only care for you if you are of any use to them, or else they mess you over anyway they can. I wish my parents never sent me to school, that way I wouldn't have so many horrible experiences in life. I feel like I am cursed by God.

Hi....as the other poster posted...pls contact 911 ...or walk into an emergency room.....

...once all this settles down...why don't you post on here....we do want to talk to you but in this situation since were not professionals we don't know what to do or say...

 

[Nauti]

I had a horrible early life too. I am still in therapy to recover and got diagnosed with cptsd. It took me until I was 37 to find a friend. My, also Aspie, bf. Finding a friend saved my life. Like you, I was dying from the unkindness and cruelty of all the seemingly heartless people I'd been surrounded by. My health was so bad and I was in constant pain, I was hanging on by a thread -(metaphorically speaking) and then, miracles or miracles! I met someone. I tried so hard to be liked before that and when that didn't work, I started trying to stick up for myself, but that backfired too, so after that I decided to just focus on self improvement via study and therapy and that's been a good approach.
There are kind people out there, they are few and far between, in my experience, but they do exist.

Focusing on getting help via services has been interesting, some were duds and worse than nothing but some have been great. I couldn't trust people (still don't really, other than my bf and my therapist) but I knew that social service people and councellors and therapists are paid to be kind, so I had a better chance of getting treated less badly by them. This has paid off because I now have a lovely trauma councellor and she is helping me build trust that humans can be kind and trustworthy and that I am actually likeable and respect-able.
I hope you don't give up and that you can find someone, at least one person, who is kind to you and who can help you heal your broken heart and build faith in a positive future, for you.
You deserve to give yourself and your life a chance, in my opinion.

 

[Aspie_With_Attitude]

Dude it's all in the past and I had been through that to. I really sorry to hear this story and it's no good dwelling on it. Nothing will change the past.

All you need to do is think about planting a new seed, grow a new tree and see what new fruits that tree will bear. Once you consume the fruits, you will make the future the way you want it.

The ink is dry, the past had been written and trees will grow and others won't.

I thought this video comes to your interest since I am 39 years old, autistic and doing the thing being an Autistic YouTube Creator and an autism rights activist.

Light it up RED for World Autism Awareness Month and you need to start a new chapter in listening to the other people felt and maybe you can help other autistic people who are being bullied right now.

This is just my idea he is not alone out there and his stories can be used as a tool to weed out bullying and discrimination against bullying of Aspies.

More we care for him, more that can done to fight against bullying of Aspies!!!

BULLYING THIS IS GOING TO STOP TODAY

 

[Aspie_With_Attitude]

This complex ptsd caused by all these emotional scars has reached another level. I am having heart problems and I am pretty sure I will have a heart failure if this keeps going on. Of course no one will miss my unlucky ass in this cursed planet. I just wish I had the courage and willpower to kill myself before I die due to the scars created by my enemies.

You don't need to die, now that I have read your stories let's hear you speak out against bullying of people who are on the autism spectrum and educate to your parents the pain they caused you.

Once you start to make your parents guilty for the way they treated you, they will eventually understand the pain they caused you, especially the school.

Maybe you could sue the school, since in Australia we are planning to have in the law courts tribunal for discrimination against people with disabilities.

Your reason to live should be about helping other teenage individual who are today bullied in schools and at home. Also there's work bullying and cyber bullying.

You might save lives of other young people who want to take their own lives through bullying.

I had been cyber bullied before and since now I publish YouTube videos on my autistic creator channel and I will have to prepare for somebody to start cyber bullying me. I am mentally prepared to one day be cyber bullied.

Just remember being cyber bullied is a lot worst experience than you went through.

Please take care of yourself, try to share your story and I think you will like to see how your story could help to stop bullying of people who are autistic.

Maybe e-mail your story to National Autistic Society and I wouldn't recommend Autism Speaks, I don't think Autism Speaks are very nice people.

This story is perfect for raising "Autism Awareness"

Take care and peace dude, I can help to show you some cool people who are on the spectrum.

 

[Shamar]

This world is a horrible place for the unfortunate. Everyone wants to hurt you and no one cares about you.

I am severely autistic and I was bullied by almost everyone who came to know me longer than a few days. Almost everyone in school, including the teachers mentally tortured me for being slow. It's like hundreds of bullying incidents from hundreds of people. What sucks is when I still accidentally bump into some of these people after all these years. They still love to crack a mean joke at me and give a pat on my belly to make me feel inferior. I wish I had the money to leave this country filled with so many horrible memories but I am dirt poor.

My own parents hate me for being retarded. I have nowhere to go. No job, no money, no skills, I have nothing except my 23 year old hairy ass.

The complex ptsd caused by all these emotional scars has reached another level. I am having heart problems and I am pretty sure I will have a heart failure if this keeps going on. Of course no one will miss my unlucky ass in this cursed planet. I just wish I had the courage and willpower to kill myself before I die due to the scars created by my enemies.

Your story is similar to my story; I was suicidal for 20 years starting by age 9. I'm still here. Your writing tells me you are NOT retarded; you write too well for that. Not long ago, autism was regarded as a form of mental retardation, and this attitude still persists in many places and people, including a lot of mental health professionals who should know better. In school I was always put in the slow classes because I didn't interact and wasn't interested in doing schoolwork. I later tested out in the top 1/2% cognitively. So don't think of yourself as retarded just because people say you are.

 

[lostinlife]

Of course you can live. What you said about people is not true. What about volunteers who travel to third world countries who drill wells for villages, rescue children in trafficking rings, and hold the hands of the dying?

What about people on the forum who are trying to help you? They get nothing out of it for themselves. They just see someone in trouble and try to help.

I was in your shoes before. Really badly. What I found that works is to radically change your life. Get rid of everything that causes you sorrow. And the things you can't help, persevere through it. You will be stronger for the experience.

I know people with HIV/AIDS, and they are stronger and more optimistic from the experience.

Find beauty, find God, go out in nature and be alone with the wind. Sweat.

Persevere. It could be worse. You're not actually what they say you are.

You have a Father in Heaven who calls you perfect, who already had great plans for your destiny before you we're even born.

Persevere. Once you're grown up, you can get out of that town and see the world, and maybe be that person who drills wells for villages in Africa, or holds the hands of the dying. And through their perseverance in the face of unspeakable hardship, you will see beauty, hope, and love.

of course people will help others but they are so few in number and so useless that they might as well not be counted. Many people are dying every day due to poverty, many including me don't find work and suffer their whole lives trying to make ends meet. No one helps them. Of course I won't be able to win this argument since I suck at showing logic but my point is that people are focused on themselves naturally and want to hurt others. That is normal. I never received any help from anyone that did any noticeable good to me. Yes you guys are trying to help by writing replies and I am grateful for that but I am gonna end up dead anyway as my heart is about to collapse from the load of stress from emotional scars.

How could it be worse? I about to die due to emotional scars caused by bullying. I couldn't defend myself because I am mentally retarded. It's the same as a social rape. It's the same as people throwing rocks at me till I bleed to death. It just happened differently. I am dirt poor and on the verge of going homeless. I am facing mental torture in my head constantly. If there was a painless surefire way available for me to die I would kill myself already.

Radically change my life? How? Every single failure in my life is tied to autism and unless I can magically change my brain to a neurotypical one I will never be able to work a job and make money to end my poverty.

And God has already cursed me with severe autism so I don't see how he has great plans for me. I don't believe in the god of any religion, I have my own theory about God.

 

[Gracey]

Well done for reaching out.
Next step is getting your butt to an emergency department and telling them the same things you’ve written above.

Do you have any care workers, social workers looking after you? If so can you contact them?

Think about something for me.
The words,
“I don’t want to live”
Add “like this” to the end of the above sentence.

I don’t want to live like this.

Change will be imminent.

You will have to reach out to those qualified though.
There’s always light on the other side of darkness but it won’t be handed to you on a plate.

There’s work to do first. You’ve just taken the first step, why stop there?

 

[Mary Terry]

You are not retarded. Your writing and ability to express yourself are very good. I doubt you are severely autistic because of your obvious communication and language abilities. I'd give anything if my low functioning nephew could write and express himself like you do.

Like others said, if you are so depressed that you are actively contemplating suicide, then please get professional help immediately!!! There are some good antidepressant drugs available that might benefit you.

About being poor - are you receiving SSI benefits? If you haven't applied for social security disability, then please get to work on that. If you qualify, and it sounds like you would, then it will provide you with money to help your finances.

Bullies are everywhere and they are low life creeps who must be miserable inside to act as they do. They aren't just school kids; they can be middle-aged adults, too. Put them in the past and focus on finding kind, understanding people who care about you, like people here on this website. You can overcome this current feeling of despair and make a good life for yourself. Please try!

 

[Iamarock]

Anyone feeling lost and suicidal can text HELP to 741741. This is the crisis text line they have many helpful and caring people who can help you in your time of feeling lost and hopeless. Plus they can provide helpful resources they may be useful to you.

 

[Fino]

of course people will help others but they are so few in number and so useless that they might as well not be counted.

It's a delusional statement, as well as others. Consider yourself to be under the shadow of delusion, because you are, and that might help you get some perspective.

 

[lostinlife]

It's a delusional statement, as well as others. Consider yourself to be under the shadow of delusion, because you are, and that might help you get some perspective.

believe what you want. I can't change your views. and thanks for calling me delusional. you clearly haven't experienced what painful memories people can leave you with.

 

[Fridgemagnetman]

When I see a TV show I tend not to give any merit to the content - even if it's good.

I have a similar attitude to my thoughts.

I let them play out, a bit like a TV show I'm not interested in.

Try meditating and doing that.

You thoughts are not you.

Our journey can be to understand their lack of power.

 

[Nauti]

...Or their ability to disempower us or empower us, the choice is ours.

 

[Fridgemagnetman]

...Or their ability to disempower us or empower us, the choice is ours.

In terms of autism everyone knows what's it's like to be mis understood

In terms of suicidal thoughts it's likely that is also misunderstood.
I had them for many years.

Changing your relationship to your thoughts is key.

You can't go to accident and emergency every damn time.
Although they'd probably give you your own room, you'd be there so often.

It could actually represent growth in some ways.
The thoughts are a clue to help you towards what you need to understand.
It's your minds way of saying ' I can't handle this at this time'
Slow down,stop, change a couple of things.

 

[Fino]

believe what you want. I can't change your views. and thanks for calling me delusional. you clearly haven't experienced what painful memories people can leave you with.

Have you ever stayed in a hospital for this? I always liked it there!

Why can't you change my views? I could be the most malleable person in the world for all you know!

And now you believe it's clear that I haven't experienced painful memories? Is that actually clear or is that something you made up? Sorta like a delusion?

I have a feeling the word "delusion" has an emotional charge for you. Here's the definition I'm intending:

"characterized by or holding idiosyncratic beliefs or impressions that are contradicted by reality or rational argument, typically as a symptom of mental disorder."

Do you read much? That helps everything!