I don't like to look at people and I sit alone

[Jleger91]

I sit on my own at parties or social gatherings too - I rarely join in and people rarely talk to me or make the effort to include me in their conversation - it's a cultural thing, it's left to each individual to join in the conversation, and if you don't, nobody will help you. I prefer it this way, because I don't like it when people are forcing me into conversations either.

Not sure I've ever been forced into a conversation. Hmm... but it'd feel very odd and scary, right? Like you'd want to back away out of it or like you're being attacked?

 

[Jleger91]

I am aware that people on the spectrum don't really like looking at people in the face when interacting with them. I'm one of these people. But for some reason when I find myself looking at others in the face I notice I feel like teardrops are gonna pour out of my eyes. I manage to hold back any tears but it's weird because I don't feel remotely sad at all. Just uncomfortable by looking at the person in the face.

Anyone else experiencing this as well? Can someone give an answer on why this happens?

I have no idea. I've never experienced that. When I was seeing a social therapist one time though, she said to look at people's forehead if eye contact felt awkward, because people can't tell that you're not really looking at their eyes and it looks like you're making eye contact and it doesn't feel so weird. But I still refrain from looking at people XD

 

[Jleger91]

I prefer to sit alone. We have a nice break room at work with cable television which I do not use. I choose to eat my lunch at my work station. It's not a fear of the other people or a dislike for them, I simply prefer the quiet and solitude. We are met with a barrage of stimuli every day. There is nothing wrong with solitary time to escape it. I am called "weird" or 'anti-social" but I do not care.
As for looking at people, why do we need to? A moment or so to deliver or receive instructions and that's plenty. I do not make eye contact for more than 3 seconds. That is plenty to allow whomever I am communicating with to see that I am listening.
I am developing a new attitude toward the relationship between us and the NT's. I get done what needs done. I don't bother them, as long as they don't bother me. I have a good relationship where it counts, my bills get paid and my existence disrupts no one. Not being typical is no problem whatsoever.

It makes sense to want to take a break with solitude. I read that introverts gather energy from alone time or time spent inward rather than taking in energy from outward sources, like being surrounded by lots of people. I too find it draining being around people and like to sit alone as much as possible. I don't even like when I'm in the locker room and somebody walks in.

One of my old coworkers from a different job said that he learned that whether you like it or not, these are the people that you will spend the rest of your life surrounded by, and to get used to it or it's going to keep bothering you. That said, I can't imagine living under perfect conditions where I'm in a submarine at the bottom of the sea so total isolation is impossible, and people are always going to be there to intrude. Say... my niece who runs up to me and says "Justin", "Justin" and hugs me without my permission. I can't control the world and I think it'd be mighty immature of me to want to. Me thinks it's me who has the problem, and that I have some growing up to do by letting the chaos in. That's why I believe that I should get used to being around people.

There's also that episode of South Park where the Chinese guy is building a wall and the Mongolians keep knocking it down, because that's life, and it's not feasible to shut life out. Life is chaotic, not orderly.

 

[Jleger91]

I like to find a balance. I don't mind sitting alone but do enjoy the company of others as well.

Is it a balance between order and chaos?

 

[Jleger91]

My diagnosis was Autistic Disorder (autism classic).

I look at things, find pattern in wood grain and carpet, make shapes with paper and straws, try to follow conversations happening until I can’t, doodle if I have a pen and paper

Yeah, that's fun stuff. Every time we'd eat at a resturant, my mother would play games with me on the placemat like tic-tac-toe or hangman. Otherwise I'd make stick men by tieing straw wrappers together. But I'd never be interested in striking up a conversation - just occupying my time or else get very antsy. I still like to stack all of the butter packets and try to build a fort out of them XD

 

[Jleger91]

You should make a thread about it! My only immediate ideas would be to either ask your physician or psychiatrist, if you see one, or to go through your health insurance.

I did try it once. It's just that transportation is an issue since I don't have a drivers license, and there's really nothing local, and I don't want to inconvenience anyone else by asking them to bring me.

 

[Progster]

Not sure I've ever been forced into a conversation. Hmm... but it'd feel very odd and scary, right? Like you'd want to back away out of it or like you're being attacked?

I mean things like, you're sitting next to a stranger or a relative, and they start talking to you when you would rather be left alone and don't want to talk, and you feel obliged to talk back to be polite. It makes me feel trapped and 'claustrophobic'.

 

[Kelsey4vril]

I did try it once. It's just that transportation is an issue since I don't have a drivers license, and there's really nothing local, and I don't want to inconvenience anyone else by asking them to bring me.

I really relate to this. I chose not to finish getting my driver’s license because the combination of my slow processing speed and panic responses made me feel like a danger to myself and other drivers, and I knew that even if I didn’t cause an accident the daily stress would take too much out of me... I often say no thanks to social events or classes that I don’t know how to get to by bus, or the bus route is complicated with lots of transfers that just make it too unpleasant, tipping the scales of my desire to experience that event and my comfort in my regular routines.

 

[Jleger91]

Hmm, okay! I have a couple of suggestions, and of course feel free to use what you like and disregard what you don’t like, haha!

Headphones are a great option for lunch break IF you want to send a polite nonverbal signal to your coworkers that you don’t want to be spoken to. People will almost always think your wearing headphones is meant to convey “I need to be alone with my music and my thoughts, so please don’t approach me.” Very useful if you’re overloaded and need your lunch time alone to recharge, though! Speaking of headphones at parties, though, I’ve always wanted to try going to a “Silent Disco” or “Quiet Party”. This is where everyone at the party wears headphones that are connected to a couple different DJs at the event, and you can switch between channels to find music you like or sync up with the people you’re dancing with. I like the idea of being at a party where I can actually hear what the other person is saying to me when we’re trying to communicate, just take the headphones off and you can talk to each other... I’d be really interested to try going to an event like that!

I admit that I got a little distracted from typing this reply by how good the new Black Eyed Peas album is. I gave it a quick listen on a streaming service for reference. It’s nice that your coworkers were asking what music you like - asking questions like that to keep the conversation going. If you can work up the courage, a way to start a conversation with them next time is to mention that you had a chance to listen to the Black Eyed Peas, if you like their music. Maybe mention what bands you already like that sound similar, and which songs you liked in particular. This is a good conversation starter! It could be helpful to let them know you appreciate their company and help in building your self confidence. Depending on one’s body language, it’s not always obvious to someone when a shy/socially awkward person appreciates their company, so clear and positive feedback may encourage them to approach you more often.

If the idea of being the person to start the conversation feels overwhelming, could you break it down into smaller steps with some positive feedback built in?

Remembering the Black Eyed Peas and checking out their CD is a thoughtful gesture, +2 experience points.
Listening to the CD and choosing some favourite songs, +2 experience points.
Think up and/or write down some things you could say to start the conversation, +2 exp, +1 armor.
Mini-Boss! Have a short conversation with coworker that you start, +5 exp, +3 bravery, Level Up!
Or some framework like this! If you decide to try this, make SURE to plan a nice reward for yourself, and let yourself take pride in facing your fears. I sometimes use this kind of framework to give myself clearer objectives, and to remind myself that the goal of risk taking is learning and growing, which I can see you already value greatly!

I see, so show some interest in what the other person's talking about. It's a great way to connect if there's a common topic to talk about, and it makes the other person feel good that someone shares their interest. So if I listen to Black Eyed Peas and then I enjoy it, this would be a great common topic to bring up. The first song is called "Back to Hip Hop" and the album is called "Masters of the Sun". The music is very loud and it's got beats. Sounds good music to get moving - maybe good to go with coffee. Seems like something to jam to.

I could start the conversation by saying that I bought a CD and that the music really helps to get up and moving and on the go. Next time I see the guy I'll definitely bring this up. After I do... ah, the next song is called "Yes or No" and it's just as up and going. I don't want to reward myself with something unhealthy like a honey bun because that will create more harm than good. Maybe a reward like going outside and running around the block which I never do, and reflecting upon the success of the chat?

Thanks, I do value learning and growth.

 

[Jleger91]

...How does one forget how old they are? lmao (I'm only teasing)

You know, I do the same thing. Its particularly notable when you mention locking eyes on to something neutral. I always do this when its... frankly, more than 2 people around me, or simply a noisy/busy environment. Its always been too much to focus on, so I find solace in looking at something that takes less energy to observe.

With that said, you can learn to pick your spots and get better at social engagement. But it does get exhausting, and its quite obvious to see how natural it is to other people.

I'm always the guy that, totally out of context, does something like points at the cat and smiles or laughs. Like "I don't know what you people are on about but that cat is sitting funny."

P.S. My trick with parties is this: I don't go to them.

I like to poke water bottles with a pencil while other people are around and I'll stare at a sign and laugh because it says something that nobody actually does, and I feel like I'm the only one whose ever read the sign. If there was water and rocks in the break room I'd totally be the one guy tossing rocks in the water and making shapes out of them. If I was sure nobody would tell me to stop doing that, I'd then put rocks atop all the posts just to be expressionistic.

I go to family parties because I like to see everyone. Not like clubbing and loud sports bars which would be scary, but I did attend a work Christmas party once and I asked at different tables if I could sit there and tried sitting at many different tables with people, which I couldn't pay attention to what people were saying and I was avoiding eye contact and got really bored. I managed to ask for help getting onto the dance floor and it wasn't so bad once I was on it. I just danced XD I like the Twin Peaks season 3 when Dougie says "Call for help".

 

[Jleger91]

Cafeteria should have sections where people don't want to be bothered. Of course they don't you have to resort eating on the floor or leaving partially hungry. I did this in high school. Was not until my senior year I was able to eat launch in my photography class with students I knew and talked too sometimes.

If I ate on the floor, people would say to me "Hey, don't eat on the floor. That's gross." or "Look at that guy eating on the floor" or people might laugh. One time I was in public throwing sticks at trees and one stick I threw landing right in front of somebody. Next thing I knew a security guard came up to me and said "Stop doing that". I like rules and expectations for creating a guide but they feel so intrusive and even oppressive to free-will sometimes.

 

[Jleger91]

I mean things like, you're sitting next to a stranger or a relative, and they start talking to you when you would rather be left alone and don't want to talk, and you feel obliged to talk back to be polite. It makes me feel trapped and 'claustrophobic'.

I see, so it's much more like when my niece comes up to me all happy and excited but I'd really rather be alone, but then feel like I have an obligation to play with her - like I have no choice because it's the right thing to do.

 

[Jleger91]

I really relate to this. I chose not to finish getting my driver’s license because the combination of my slow processing speed and panic responses made me feel like a danger to myself and other drivers, and I knew that even if I didn’t cause an accident the daily stress would take too much out of me... I often say no thanks to social events or classes that I don’t know how to get to by bus, or the bus route is complicated with lots of transfers that just make it too unpleasant, tipping the scales of my desire to experience that event and my comfort in my regular routines.

I dunno. Like I want to get my license because it's personal growth and opens up opportunities, and then I can be one more thing that I already am - a responsible driver. Good person, hard worker, family man, student, and then even a driver. And I wonder what sort of endless possibilities for life that would open? I'd be living really well, even if it's scary. But sometimes it's good to do things that are scary, and not to let fear stop you. (I don't have too much driving experience so don't quote me on that).

 

[Kelsey4vril]

I see, so show some interest in what the other person's talking about. It's a great way to connect if there's a common topic to talk about, and it makes the other person feel good that someone shares their interest. So if I listen to Black Eyed Peas and then I enjoy it, this would be a great common topic to bring up. The first song is called "Back to Hip Hop" and the album is called "Masters of the Sun". The music is very loud and it's got beats. Sounds good music to get moving - maybe good to go with coffee. Seems like something to jam to.

I could start the conversation by saying that I bought a CD and that the music really helps to get up and moving and on the go. Next time I see the guy I'll definitely bring this up. After I do... ah, the next song is called "Yes or No" and it's just as up and going. I don't want to reward myself with something unhealthy like a honey bun because that will create more harm than good. Maybe a reward like going outside and running around the block which I never do, and reflecting upon the success of the chat?

Thanks, I do value learning and growth.

Yes! And see if you can also share about a song or band you already liked that you feel has similar energy to Black Eyed Peas. This exchange of interest furthers the conversation. They might not know what to say besides “Oh, good”, otherwise. (Which is fine, but sharing a specific interest of yours that you feel they might like keeps the momentum of the conversation moving)

Running around the block sounds like a nice idea! As long the reward is something you enjoy and you give it to yourself fairly quickly after the thing you’ve accomplished (rewards that are far removed from the accomplishment don’t tend to give strong positive reinforcement), it’s a good idea. Give yourself extra kudos for things you did well, and if there was anything that felt awkward, try to just see it as information.

 

[Kelsey4vril]

I dunno. Like I want to get my license because it's personal growth and opens up opportunities, and then I can be one more thing that I already am - a responsible driver. Good person, hard worker, family man, student, and then even a driver. And I wonder what sort of endless possibilities for life that would open? I'd be living really well, even if it's scary. But sometimes it's good to do things that are scary, and not to let fear stop you. (I don't have too much driving experience so don't quote me on that).

It definitely is, sometimes! Challenging myself to move through my fears and discomforts have led to great things in my life. Driving would definitely give me greater freedom and flexibility in my life, but for me and my abilities, I decided the risks outweighed the rewards. You may very well have honed better skills than mind for a task like driving. It’s always at least a few tries! Until self-driving cars are a real and reliable thing, I have a professional goal to start making enough money to take taxis sometimes... Or, if we’re dreaming big anyways, making enough money to be able to pay someone a fair wage to be on call! Like the reliable self-driving cars, that’s just a nice fantasy for now.

 

[Bronzelincolns]

I do the same. though, i'm very much content with my own company so I don't really care.

 

[Jleger91]

Yes! And see if you can also share about a song or band you already liked that you feel has similar energy to Black Eyed Peas. This exchange of interest furthers the conversation. They might not know what to say besides “Oh, good”, otherwise. (Which is fine, but sharing a specific interest of yours that you feel they might like keeps the momentum of the conversation moving)

Running around the block sounds like a nice idea! As long the reward is something you enjoy and you give it to yourself fairly quickly after the thing you’ve accomplished (rewards that are far removed from the accomplishment don’t tend to give strong positive reinforcement), it’s a good idea. Give yourself extra kudos for things you did well, and if there was anything that felt awkward, try to just see it as information.

Thanks. I'll definitely have to get used to the rewarding myself thing. I have a problem with giving myself a load of work and not ever stopping to relax and take it easy. I'm like some kind of a hard-working square - and I'm really tense around people.

Alright, so I can keep the conversation going by reflecting my own interests.
Thank you for responding.