I don't know what to do to not burn out

[vergil96]

I keep on burning out. It happened again. I feel like I need to address this, but I don't know what I'm supposed to be doing. On paper, everything fine. In reality it's not. I don't know what's wrong.

I feel extremely misunderstood about what's hard and what is not. My mother yesterday kept on talking about attending all lectures like it isn't big deal, and for me it is. It kills me to have a messy schedule and no free day for studying.

I usually absorb spoken information very badly and prefer to read. I explain it to her over and over and why and she never understands. She tries to pressure and talk me into what she finds easy and good. It's not easy and good. I don't know how to deal with this whole situation.

This term is ending soon, but I feel like if I don't address these issues, I will burn out over and over and I have no clue where to begin. I don't really get on with psychologists, they seem to collectively think that you can just keep on pushing harder and succeed and everything is just a matter of attitude. I have a therapist with whom I get on and I feel like we've made some progress, but something isn't working, still.

We are working rather on the psychotherapeutic end of things and relationships with others. I keep on searching the internet on how to deal with autism/Asperger's, but I don't find anything that applies to my situation. After I graduate I for sure need to slow down and prioritise feeling fine at work, take something less demanding and see.

But where do I go from there? I think that life doesn't have to be so difficult and draining, but I'm not sure how to achieve that. I think it maybe requires professional input, from someone else than my therapist. At the same time, I don't trust most mental health professionals any more, because I have had many negative experiences.

A friend told me about a psychiatrist who treats adult high-functioning autistic people, but is it a good idea to go? What would I even ask? How do I even cope?

 

[Aspychata]

Definitely the school years are intense, there are so many demands placed on us. Think it helps to know exactly where you are burning out on. Is it schedule, is it multitasking, is it commute? Is it no support from your family? Each of these things add up to the big picture. I noticed when l exercise, my ability to deal with stress, and multitasking improve 100%. Also, what type of diet do you have? Eating lean protein at each meal really will carry you thru a long day. Then some type of time to just devote to yourself, with a warm bath, hot tea. Or maybe a bike ride, or walking in the park. Anything to just bring down things down to a dull roar instead a jack hammer slammer jammer. The other option, just take half your course load next term if possible. Also don't discuss what your issues are with your mother because l just don't see her being supportive at this time. She may not have the capacity to understand what exactly you are dealing with.

 

[The Pandector]

I shouldn’t be the first to respond because I don’t know what I’m talking about. Background… undiagnosed until widowed and retired, had good tech career but was a depressed and nervous wreck. Had several months of serious disintegration, now recovered/recovering.

Lived my life driving myself to the limit, thinking that’s what people do. Wasn’t until end of life that I found out that my intellectual limits far outstrip my neural limits, so life was a long string of burnouts. Never sought professional help.

I find this true for me. Better to ‘accomplish’ less and enjoy it more. Wild guess, you’re trying to ‘accomplish’ all you can and are looking for ways to do that without paying the price. Good luck, but I don’t think it works that way. There are folks around here with greater achievements than mine by far, but I did very well for a guy with serious learning issues.

A full class load crushed me, never good at work plus school. Never knew why. But I can/could take apart a tech manual. Taught myself all I needed for success. Read general science and tried to keep up with research. Could never have learned it in class, and staying away from classrooms helped immensely. Admittedly, I wasn’t on the same pay scale as my degreed counterparts, but those guys often came to me for help and I was often used to bridge the gap between the degrees and the real world. By the end of my career, I was accepted in the engineering world. Not the most prestigious path to success, but the best I could do.

There is no end of people who think everyone thinks alike, that issues like mine just need some extra effort and an attitude adjustment, no end of well meaning authorities who know so much more than you about how to handle your non-standard ignition system. I recommend smiling knowingly and passing on.

If you’re looking for strategies to allow you to live a normal life, I wish you luck but predict a stormy life. And I wouldn’t blame you a bit for tossing aside advice that suggested a respectful negotiation with rather than success over autism.

 

[vergil96]

Definitely the school years are intense, there are so many demands placed on us.

Yeah, luckily I have only this term to finish and then the last term that will be much less demanding. I'm supposed to graduate in July... I'll see how I'll do with the thesis, and perhaps I'll get the diploma in September, but either way it's a short time perspective.

One of my potential plans is academia, I'm already teaching a class. An extracurricular one, for socialising reasons. I was offered to teach earlier, but I can't handle working and studying at the same time. Multitasking definitely isn't for me. I can do one thing and do it better than most people would do, but it has to be one task and in depth, not many superficial tasks. I could ask for accommodations, but academia can be bureaucratic, so I'd need to assure evidence for it ahead of time, but what would it be? There are plenty of aspies at this particular university and department, but they seem more like the type that has interpersonal difficulties and doesn't burn out, and moreover, they could be very dismissive of "emotional" reasons for burnout such as difficulty with schedules. With that kind of people and situations, clear outline of what I ask for is essential, being as specific as possible. But I don't know what I'm even asking for specifically, I might not find the kind of dialogue that I'm maybe looking for. Nor emtioal support. They're unable to give emotional support. They lack understanding of that.

Is it schedule, is it multitasking, is it commute? Is it no support from your family? Each of these things add up to the big picture.

You could be right about many things adding up, it also seems like that to me that it's not just one thing.

My family isn't neccesarily bad, but we quarrel over minor things like me skipping lectures that I don't have to go to and don't benefit from. I have to say that both of my parents seem to be on the autism spectrum too, my dad has a more similar profile of symptoms to me, but he's more interpersonally oblivious and withdrawn, and mom talks a lot, ADHD seems to come more forward, she's very energetic, has lots of ideas, but she also has sensory issues and prefers to stay home a lot of the time, gets overwhelmed with too many activities. My parents mean well, but we have communication issues on the line and they have their own problems too.

I noticed when l exercise, my ability to deal with stress, and multitasking improve 100%. Also, what type of diet do you have? Eating lean protein at each meal really will carry you thru a long day. Then some type of time to just devote to yourself, with a warm bath, hot tea. Or maybe a bike ride, or walking in the park. Anything to just bring down things down to a dull roar instead a jack hammer slammer jammer.

I exercise and eat healty, yes.

The other option, just take half your course load next term if possible.

It's going to be about half of the current worload anyway, so it's going to be fine, but I'm worried about future work after that.

Also don't discuss what your issues are with your mother because l just don't see her being supportive at this time. She may not have the capacity to understand what exactly you are dealing with.

She considers it her responsibility to pressure me to do the "right" things and is afraid I will drop out of university. I won't drop out, I have no idea where she took this from, I never said this. She considers attending classes in person synonymous with studying, and it's not. You have to be assertive and do whatever you need to do, no matter what everyone else is doing, the schooling system doesn't work for everyone. It's supposed to make people absorb knowledge, but it's not how everyone learns well. Certainly not me.

I can't assert myself when talking with my mom, I often don't even understand what she's saying, because she talks too much for me. She talks too much, too fast and tries to imply things and pressure someone into doing something instead of being direct. It's not on purpose, it's just how she is, but I have no idea how to make it work. She's impatient and she gets angry with me often for talking too slowly and for being detail oriented and accurate. She also refuses to communicate via text. I don't even know what she means as a result, no clue.

 

[vergil96]

Is it schedule, is it multitasking, is it commute?

Okay, if it's the schedule and the multitasking, these problems should be gone at work, because I seriously didn't have these problems with paid work. Or I could always decrease hours. I don't have to commute a lot.

About dropping out, I just "misbehave", I guess, but who cares? You can't follow the rules if you want to get your needs met, as simple as that. Many social norms are stupid or don't apply to everyone's situation. I'm doing what I'm supposed to do right and everyone who thinks I'm doing it the wrong way or that I'm not acting the part should screw off. Done means done. If there are no serious problems, people start to make them up and pick on things that don't matter.

 

[vergil96]

Wasn’t until end of life that I found out that my intellectual limits far outstrip my neural limits, so life was a long string of burnouts.

I can relate to that. I can do everything or "don't have deficits" (rolls eyes) as one doctor said, but it doesn't mean many things I can technically do don't wear me out even in an extreme manner, or that I don't even experience them as painful.

Could never have learned it in class, and staying away from classrooms helped immensely.

I just have a few more weeks of the large course load, fortunately.

Never sought professional help.

I have, but most of what mental health professionals offer doesn't take autism spectrum into account. They often tell to suck it up more instead of accommodate, which yields even worse results for me. Ah, and I'm not autistic enough for them to consider telling me about accommodations for autistic people...

Full time work... let's forget that. I want to not be zombie and enjoy life after a half time job, let's put it this way. Even one day of work a week can be a complete burnout if handled the wrong way, in my opinion.

 

[Aspychata]

I tried to work and do college. It was too difficult for me. My daughter has worked p/t and attended university. She just graduated.
That's a tough schedule.

 

[The Pandector]

I can relate to that. I can do everything or "don't have deficits" (rolls eyes) as one doctor said, but it doesn't mean many things I can technically do don't wear me out even in an extreme manner, or that I don't even experience them as painful.


I just have a few more weeks of the large course load, fortunately.


I have, but most of what mental health professionals offer doesn't take autism spectrum into account. They often tell to suck it up more instead of accommodate, which yields even worse results for me. Ah, and I'm not autistic enough for them to consider telling me about accommodations for autistic people...

Full time work... let's forget that. I want to not be zombie and enjoy life after a half time job, let's put it this way. Even one day of work a week can be a complete burnout if handled the wrong way, in my opinion.

Couldn’t agree more. Especially about the prevalence of advice that assumes you can do what you know you can’t do. I always wished I could work part time. As the boss, my shame did not prevent me from always being the first one to the parking lot. Hope your plan falls into place soon.

 

[Au Naturel]

A friend told me about a psychiatrist who treats adult high-functioning autistic people, but is it a good idea to go? What would I even ask? How do I even cope?

I think an autism specialist would be a good course of action. You don't ask anything, just explain how you are feeling. The doctor will direct the conversation from there.

 

[MNAus]

Wasn’t until end of life that I found out that my intellectual limits far outstrip my neural limits, so life was a long string of burnouts.

Ouch. Yeah.

 

[Hypnalis]

It seems you're clear on what you need to work on to mitigate the risk and frequency of burnout.
At the very least, there's plenty you could be doing.

But you haven't started, or if you have, presumably you're not happy with the results.

Sooner or later you'll have to address two questions:

1. Why are you where you are?
Part of it will probably be "inertia", which everyone has to some degree, but is a huge problem if it's truly stopping you. But it's likely there's something else that you need to understand - because if you don't understand it yourself, it won't come through in forum posts.
2. Select one or a few tangible, attainable objectives to address, and get started with them.

Of course there's something difficult contained in that. But no action implies no change. Until the world acts on you anyway (which it surely will), and then you may find you're not in control of your future.

 

[vergil96]

Of course there's something difficult contained in that. But no action implies no change. Until the world acts on you anyway (which it surely will), and then you may find you're not in control of your future.

Yes, that's why I'm worried.

But you haven't started, or if you have, presumably you're not happy with the results.

I'm trying what I can, e.g. sticking to a routine with self-care activities / physiological needs.

I have no influence on my university schedule and it's a pain. How can I have influence? (genuine question) It's not even that I can't talk to the teachers and choose a different hour, because I can, but the classes take place just one or two times in the whole week, there is no room for choice.

Idk, like, what if I have a job after graduation, because that's what I'm worried about, and everyone at every job will see this as a non-issue to have different hours or different tasks each day? I mean, at the work I used to have, multitasking wasn't a problem, I just had to code my part of things and it sat very well with me, the schedule is what bothers me. People are often completely unaware of things that either drive me coconuts or I have a straight up problem with, for example they're convinced I heard them when we're in a noisy environment, but I can't distinguish what they said at all. There are a lot of environmental factors like that. If it's that I'm with friends or working in a group, I can say what my issue is and what I need, with institutions like university, I don't even know who I should talk to or what I should do. The school psychologist is a difficult person, she doesn't answer questions and won't schedule a meeting, just sends back emails that are off the topic and rude. How do I even...? I'm clueless. There is no way for me to communicate that I have some unpredicted and significant issues that there is no procedure for. For example, if you break a leg, you can send your sick leave documents to the deanery and catch up. It's not even about requesting something special or hard to organize, it's just... there is no way to communicate that I know of.

 

[tazz]

I haven't read the whole thread so apologies if I'm repeating things or missing some information. But here in the UK, if you have a diagnosis, there are specialist autism services that will help you talk to the university. For example, if the uni has a legal obligation to make reasonable changes (which they do here) then there is someone who can talk with the uni on your behalf and explain things to them - so you don't have to fight with the uni on your own.

The same applies to employers here. And the autism service can help to write letters to the employer explaining (and if that doesn't work, demanding) what you need.

It's not a perfect solution. But it seems like a useful support. I wonder if there is anything in your country similar to this.

 

[vergil96]

then there is someone who can talk with the uni on your behalf and explain things to them - so you don't have to fight with the uni on your own.

The same applies to employers here. And the autism service can help to write letters to the employer explaining (and if that doesn't work, demanding) what you need.

Ah, I see, I haven't heard of anything like that over here. I could ask a doctor or my psychotherapist to write a letter, but I would need to know what I'm asking for. I mean, maybe if I had a formal diagnosis, they would write a letter, but I don't think they offer this kind of services, from what I've heard, like, your doctor or a psychologist can request specific things like certain seating, breaks during exams, extended exam time etc.

 

[vergil96]

Okay, just keeping the thread up to date. What turned out is that I ultimately got some fatigue related health issues. I don't eat enough and don't get enough rest and it went downhill from there. Losing weight, weakness, hair loss, that kind of stuff. I also got flu or covid, my immunity must have gone down from fatigue, I don't normally catch infections. The covid test was negative, but I don't 100% believe it, because there is a peak of covid and it has the same symptoms. I had to write a test when I was ill too (it went fine). Of course it happens every now and then during busy or stressful periods of time. But yeah, too many responsibilities and being up all the time. That is the reason for at least part of the problems...

 

[vergil96]

Okay I asked a teacher I know from previous terms and like to help me out with the communication problems and she did and I'm glad I asked... She's worried about my recurring health problems and explained what to do about the other teachers, turns out I'm needlessly worried about approaching the other teachers and asking clarifying questions, thinking I'm being rude or disrespectful in some way.