I don't know if I can do this

[23andaspie]

I started this relationship about 2 months ago after meeting [current gf] online. It's long distance but I was interested in experiencing a relationship like that. She strongly self-identifies as Aspergers, though not officially diagnosed. After several experiences and personal reflection on this over some time, I did not feel another relationship with an NT would work for me, so this was favourable when deciding to continue forward with the relationship.

She has certainly has some spectrum tendencies, and when we met in person for a weekend and did some road tripping, there was a lot of comfortable silences while driving [we actually discussed how we like that]. Because of that, and because of her strong self-identification with the spectrum, it didn't come to me until recently why I had a strange sense about that.

She has a lot of difficult emotions from past trauma and attachment issues - she is quite attached, but I self-identify to be on that side of the relationship attachment spectrum (clingy --- secure --- distant) too. She's also has frequent bouts of negativity, and one night I had realized that I was feeling "overwhelmed" was because of the amount of negative content that I experienced when being around her. So, I lightly hinted at how positivity might be helpful for her, referencing how in the past I had noticed that my negativity had seemed to detract others.

"I don't really see how that applies to me. I have a lot of friends, and people like being around me."

That hurts, of course. Because I don't, and I've struggled all my life with social difficulties.

Oh yeah - I realized this was true. In fact, every video call I had with her usually involved her conversing with her room-mates at least part of the time, or mentioning how she had discussed that with her friend, or involving some mainstream movie. On night, after having kept me on our daily "video chat" for much longer than I would have desired, she kept asking me. Have you seen movie x. Have you seen movie y. Of course, my truthful response is no.

"How have you not seen movie z?"
I responded with a quote from the AS description on wikipedia: "restricted and repetitive patterns of behavior and interests". I like horror movies. Me and her watched them together.

"When I move there, we should have a house warming party and invite a bunch of people."
(jokingly) But I'm anti-social!

Suddenly everything made sense. Lately I've been feeling so overwhelmed and stressed. I just can't keep up with that. In my mind, she seemed to lack in my mind the core symptoms of having an autism spectrum disorder. But it's also that trying to keep her emotionally afloat is making me fall apart.

I need help... The thought of breaking up makes me want to cry. To some degree the closeness is comforting, but like anything too much of a good thing can be too much. I'm not sure if this is good for me, and was not what I was looking for. Since it uses pretty much all my social capacity, it's hard for me to keep other social contacts. I'd rather be single with friends than in a relationship with someone whom I'm not able to keep pace with.

Any thoughts insights comments you have are always very welcome and appreciated.

 

[DogwoodTree]

Maybe instead of looking for someone who is also an aspie (which can mean a huge variety of different things)...maybe look for someone with complementary characteristics instead?

Like...think about what kinds of opposite characteristics would be good for you in a relationship (relaxed, "go with the flow"), even if those don't match exactly who you are...because there are other strengths that you can bring to a relationship like that.

When I was dating (this was 2 decades ago and I got more experience in figuring out what I didn't want than what I did want, so keep that in mind), I had a few things that I very much wanted my bf to be like me, and some things that he should definitely be different than me.

I knew I wanted an oldest child so that he would "get" my perfectionist tendencies, even if his were different than mine. But I was really attracted to someone who fit in easily with people, even though I didn't, and knew this would challenge me to grow in that area. That's what worked for me, with my particular personality. It was a matter of finding someone where we had the same priorities on foundational issues, but different strengths and weaknesses that complement each other so that we work better as a team in the long run. And 20 years later...that is one area where my DH and I excel--we work well together as a team.

You're still pretty young. Seems like...if you're struggling this much already in a long distance relationship...it just seems to me like that's a red flag saying you're setting yourself up for a long-term struggle by staying. Sometimes it's learning what doesn't work for us, that leads us in the right direction for what will work.

 

[23andaspie]

On Tuesday, I decided it was the time to move on. There were several points in consideration but one in particular was that the other day she flipped out when I didn't respond "appropriately" when we were talking about her friend who had just very recently passed away. Like, I'm sorry that provide the emotional response you were expecting of me. Maybe I'm different and have trouble.

I did ask about her friend though, but she assumed I was taunting her when I asked what a brain aneurysm was, since I honestly did not know. She mentioned "can't you just look it up on Google??"

After explaining to her my symptoms, she eventually suggested that it's something that I could work on for her. I explained that this wasn't something that I felt I could necessarily change, and that I wouldn't change to make someone happy. She insisted that it wasn't a change she was asking for but a desire for me to act differently in specific scenarios.

When I disagreed about this she basically exploded and told me that I if I'm unwilling to compromise, then I'd be screwed in any relationship. I told her if that were the case, then I'd have to learn to live with it, just like how I learned to be accepting of how I am.

 

[Beverly]

I agree with others here, don't look for another Aspie, forget about the spectrum. Look for someone who is a loner, not prone to being overly emotional, open minded, accepting of differing reactions and points of view. Being on the spectrum is not a big deal to those sorts of people. They smile and shrug it of when you don't react as they would and, don't see it as a disability, just a difference.

I don't cry over the death of anyone - that makes no sense to me, they are gone, crying, carrying on about it is not going to bring them back so, shut up and get on with life. I don't yell and scream when I'm angry, that is useless and does not make me less angry nor correct what made me angry. I don't find most jokes funny at all, even when I do get the point. Much of the way things are, to me, simply is and, nothing I could do would change it, so I let it go and, be how it will be. I see no reason expend any energy doing something as far as reacting goes when my reaction will not affect the thing I "should" react to one iota - reacting to such things is pointless.

 

[NTgirl4276]

When I disagreed about this she basically exploded and told me that I if I'm unwilling to compromise, then I'd be screwed in any relationship. I told her if that were the case, then I'd have to learn to live with it, just like how I learned to be accepting of how I am.

good for you. in any relationship, there should be a balance of mutual effort and consideration. based on my very limited understanding if your situation, it doesn't seem like she was necessarily willing to adjust any of her expectations and, instead, insisted solely on you changing yours. her accusation against you (that you're "unwilling to compromise") deflects attention away from the fact that she's unwilling to compromise re: your responses in particular scenarios. that's not a sustainable model, and I think you're wise to remove yourself from that situation.

all this being said, that doesn't mean that changing is necessarily bad; all humans engage in an ongoing evolution of self and shutting oneself off to the possibility of growth/change can be just as dangerous as forcing a change to make someone else happy. but, i believe that you may one day meet someone who 1) is willing to truly meet you halfway; and 2) challenges you to evolve in a way that makes you feel like your best, most comfortable, and valued self.

 

[23andaspie]

good for you. in any relationship, there should be a balance of mutual effort and consideration. based on my very limited understanding if your situation, it doesn't seem like she was necessarily willing to adjust any of her expectations and, instead, insisted solely on you changing yours. her accusation against you (that you're "unwilling to compromise") deflects attention away from the fact that she's unwilling to compromise re: your responses in particular scenarios. that's not a sustainable model, and I think you're wise to remove yourself from that situation.

all this being said, that doesn't mean that changing is necessarily bad; all humans engage in an ongoing evolution of self and shutting oneself off to the possibility of growth/change can be just as dangerous as forcing a change to make someone else happy. but, i believe that you may one day meet someone who 1) is willing to truly meet you halfway; and 2) challenges you to evolve in a way that makes you feel like your best, most comfortable, and valued self.

Yup. It became apparent to me recently that these outbursts of hers were happening at increasing frequency.

I know change isn't bad. But I think the willingness to change comes from within oneself, and cannot be coerced by others - there will always be some layer of personal resentment underlying, if that is the case. There are many things we can change about ourselves and the world around us, but the reality is that there are equally as many things we cannot change and must accept. Holding good intentions and efforts with regards to positive change, yet seeing clearly where these boundaries exist is a capacity that we develop only through experience and time. I have a long ways to go, of course. XD

 

[Flinty]

Look for someone who is a loner, not prone to being overly emotional, open minded, accepting of differing reactions and points of view. Being on the spectrum is not a big deal to those sorts of people. They smile and shrug it of when you don't react as they would and, don't see it as a disability, just a difference.

You know, this advice almost works, but...where does one look for loners? (This is a genuine question.)

 

[Beverly]

You know, this advice almost works, but...where does one look for loners? (This is a genuine question.)

I can only tell you where I find friendly loners. Rendezvous and Pow Wows, many of them prefer living a bit of a hermit like life and are interested in and active with Native American and Mountain man crafts and events. Long Haul truck drivers tend to be loners but, even those are into mountain man or primitive living, even if they don't live it and only do some of the crafts. Loners tend to be outdoor type people that like hunting and fishing, you may fins them at a lake or along the river, happily fishing and eating lunch alone.

I don't know what the connection is between loners and primitive arts but, it is definitely there. Now some will have PTSD, anxiety issues, social phobias, and the like, that's why they like being loners but, none of that should be a problem for you. Like me you share a bit of some of those things and, can learn about the rest and avoiding crowds and very noisy places is just right for us anyway, so it works.

 

[Maelstrom]

[QUOTE="NTgirl4276, in any relationship, there should be a balance of mutual effort and consideration.

all this being said, that doesn't mean that changing is necessarily bad; all humans engage in an ongoing evolution of self and shutting oneself off to the possibility of growth/change can be just as dangerous as forcing a change to make someone else happy. but, i believe that you may one day meet someone who 1) is willing to truly meet you halfway; and 2) challenges you to evolve in a way that makes you feel like your best, most comfortable, and valued self. [/QUOTE]

NTgirl is right there needs to be some willingness to try to understand you or it will just drift into the dreaded why can't you be more of this, or why can't you be less of that, gameover. Some people want what they want NOW OR ELSE, usually better to walk away if things go to far in that direction. (am not telling you what to do). Unfortunately my experence is the aggressive women who tend to come after auties tend to be really bad matches, unless there is allot of kindness and consideration there. This is unfortunate as I have a real weakness for strong women, a terrible thing evil chemistry is..Sigh! My advice is be kind and nice, but be firm that she at least needs to try to understand your differences, if she refuses than you wont feel so bad because there never was any hope of things working, and you did your best. Have been there and done that...it is a hard road to walk...having love slip from your fingers like that...still haunts me some, but sometimes life is just plain cruel. My best wishes to you, Mael

 

[Slithytoves]

I agree with DogwoodTree that complementary characteristics are more important than sharing a place on the spectrum when it comes to finding a partner. With another Aspie/Autie, you not only have to worry about finding the usual common ground, but also about conflicting traits and clashes of Aspie rigidity. Since you have such a strong reaction to negativity, I'd say finding someone with a positive orientation may be the most important factor of all. Positive people deal with others' "issues" better on the whole, anyway.

I'm glad you ended the relationship. Your first post made it pretty clear you weren't happy. Long distance romances are only worth the effort if you have a very comfortable connection.

You'll feel better soon about the breakup. I promise. Just don't let some of the unkind things she said stick to you. When one of her tapes plays in your head, just remember why you wanted out. That pretty much confirms her perspective isn't all that valuable.

And for the record, since it hurt you: She said she has a lot of friends and people like her. That's what she thinks. It may or may not be the case in reality. There are people who consider me a friend, and think I really like them, when I'm only tolerating their behavior and wouldn't mind if they disappeared from my universe. Also consider that negative people tend to flock together. The number of people who like her may not be a good measure of how genuinely likable she is.