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Featured I confessed my feelings

Discussion in 'Love, Relationships and Dating' started by Jane Smith, Aug 9, 2018.

  1. Jane Smith

    Jane Smith Well-Known Member

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    Hello all!

    I confessed my feelings to an Aspie I have feelings for, and he hasn't responded to my e-mail yet. We've been seeing each other for the past year or so. It was casual-- nothing serious. However, we got pretty close over the past few months.

    A couple days ago, I decided to bite the bullet, and send him a message. My therapist said it was a good idea. She thought that John felt the same way. However, he might be overwhelmed by the e-mail. She said to give him a few days (or even a week) to respond.

    She said that if he hesitates, that doesn't mean he is going to say "no". it just means he is taking a while to articulate his thoughts.

    I guess my question is....why? Why does it take a while?

    If he needs the space, I definitely want to give it to him! However, I just don't understand.

    Have you taken a while on responding to e-mails? If so, why? Does it depend on the situation? Has someone ever confessed to you? Was that overwhelming?

    Thanks, guys! This site is very informative!

    EDIT: More elaboration

    I am 30. John is 40. He got divorced 2 years ago and has two kids. We're both game designers and went to the same school. Now he works at a company near me. He isn't very talkative and gets nervous easily. If I talk to him about overwhelming topics in person, he shuts down.

    John also has a history of being abused, and he can get depressed. But, he has always seemed pretty happy around me. I like to make him smile and laugh--especially when it comes to his favorite video game.

    When I e-mailed him I was pretty specific about my feelings. I also asked him if he would like to go on a date with me sometime this week (He is very busy. When we hang out, he typically chooses).

    The e-mail was positive! I told him how important he was to me and that I think he is a wonderful person. :)
     
    Last edited: Aug 9, 2018
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  2. MrSpock

    MrSpock Live long and prosper

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    Explaining that would... take a while. You'll likely get a reply before we could explain it. We can't explain it anyway, because we're not him. Not only are we not him, but we haven't read the text, don't know you, and don't know how Asperger's presents itself in him. Not only are we all different, but Asperger's is not a uniform thing, I have relatively few traits, and someone else could be on the spectrum as well and share none of the aspie traits that I have, have different severity of those that are there... and a different history which has made those differences impact on our lives differently.

    Ask him. But wait until he replies, and don't expect anything much clearer than what I've said above. Have you tried writing down how your mind works? If it all goes well maybe you'll start to understand him a bit, to the point where you'll have a better understanding of what it is you want to know, and why we can't really tell you. Good luck.
     
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  3. On the Inside

    On the Inside Well-Known Member

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    Yes, i often taken a long time to respond to all kinds of correspondence. I really only reliably respond to direct communication, ie, phone calls or in person.

    This was unclear to me: did you confess your feelings in the email, not in person? If in email, my experience has been that i fret and worry about how to respond, thus put it off.

    I recieved a message on fb from an old LD gf. I still havent responded. I was really suprised and happy to hear from her, but i really dont know what to say to her. I delay because i dont know what the next step will be after i respond. The whole "taking me out of my routine" routine.

    As an aside, i was talking about this to a friend, who asked if we ever were intimate. We had taken trips together, arranged to meet up while travelling, i even went across the country once to stay with her for a week
    Well, no, we never were intimate, i said, but we did sit closely, in romantic settings, i said. I then realized that i had several "relationships" where " sitting closely in romantic settings" was as far as it went.
     
    Last edited: Aug 9, 2018
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  4. Sloth

    Sloth Active Member

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    Something you have to realize is that being an Aspie, this person might have a different way of processing emotions and reactions than most people, and just like Mr Spock said, since autism manifests differently in everyone, it might not be the same way of processing as any one of us has either. This limits the effectiveness of any advice we can give.

    That being said,I would say just keep an open mind and give him a reasonable amount of space, but also that you might want to make sure you are very explicit and direct with saying how you feel so that he isn't forced to guess and try to process your feelings as well, that can really add a lot to the confusion. And to answer your last questions, personally, I can often delay writing out a response because I take it very seriously and it can be overwhelming and I obsess and think it through a lot, so sometimes it takes time.
     
  5. Jane Smith

    Jane Smith Well-Known Member

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    I told him over e-mail! If I talk to him in person, he shuts down when he is overwhelmed. He seems to prefer writing.

    Hmm interesting. For a while our relationship was how you described in the bottom paragraph. But then he started to do things that made me feel like he might like me romantically. Regardless, I guess I'll find out. Even if he doesn't like me romantically, we're still friends! So I hope we remain so after this!
     
    Last edited: Aug 9, 2018
  6. Jane Smith

    Jane Smith Well-Known Member

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    Very wise! Even if you two weren't able to give me very specific advice, I find this very helpful! I guess I am just used to very talkative people. Most of my friends respond right away to messages no matter how overwhelming they may be.

    So, this is new to me! Thank you for the insight!

    I think I was pretty specific with him. Or at least I hope so. I didn't want to be too bold. Wasn't sure if that would freak him out.
     
  7. SusanLR

    SusanLR Well-Known Member

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    As stated, we are all at different places on the spectrum in our reactions.
    I am usually quick to answer e-mails or texts, but don't like phones and talking on them.
    Being hit with something in person that I might not be expecting can mean a shut down for a bit
    without a quick answer.

    I can only think of how I would feel if someone I got along well with suddenly confessed they felt
    romantic inclinations for me. Yes, it could be a bit overwhelming no matter how I felt about them.

    1. If I didn't feel anything more for the person than friends, it would be an Uh-Oh moment for me and
    I would have to think it over on how to proceed in keeping it just friends or could I possibly see myself
    having some romantic feelings also that I hadn't thought about.

    2. If I had romantic feelings for the person who just confessed, it could still be overwhelming and I would
    need time to think where this could go and is a closer relationship what I want in my life right now, etc.

    3. If I had no romantic feelings for the person, and I have had this happen several times to me, then
    I either explain that to them or I stop all associations with them.

    It is a wait and see process which ever the scenario.
     
  8. OlLiE

    OlLiE Well-Known Member

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    danger will robinson!
    relationship parameters changing

    computing!
    benchmarking against past experiences
    evaluating effort/risks to change
    extrapolating chances of success, evaluating benefits
    evaluating likelihood, size and cost of downsides
    reaching conclusion
     
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  9. Major Tom

    Major Tom Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

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    Sometimes it takes me months to respond haha... I think a lot of it has to do with a wandering mind and lots to do.
     
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  10. Tom

    Tom Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

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    If I had similar feelings I would have responded fairly quickly. A delay would mean that I am trying to figure out how to say I don't feel the same tactfully. I might also procrastinate indefinately to avoid having to say anything at all.
     
  11. jared mills

    jared mills Rookie

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    as an aspie myself,i'd like to say one thing:that'd be me right there if i weren't so severely awkward looking to every other girl or woman (in the neighborhood,on the subway train,etc.) that i see upon eye-contact :angry::angry::angry:.
     
    Last edited: Aug 10, 2018
  12. Pauline Brown

    Pauline Brown New Member

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    As an Aspie
    If I am into the person and feel the same way, I reciprocate and although I may not word it correctly, the person is aware of what I don’t and do feel. Don’t think it’s fair to keep a person guessing. Although I may delay in response for a bit (day or two) it’s usually because I’m attempting to muster the correct use of words in response.
    Ultimately the other party knows where they stand.
    We are all different so I not sure what is going through the person’s mind. Time will tell, if you don’t hear from them, take it as of no interest.
     
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  13. Gr82bk8

    Gr82bk8 Active Member

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    So i just had my aspie boyfriend read this thread. He thinks the delay is almost certainly due to your guy not knowing what to say and feeling pressure and worry about not saying the wrong thing. He also said waiting for him to respond isn't necessarily the right thing to do because the longer the delay goes on, the more stressed and/or annoyed he is probably going to get about the situation. Additionally, he said it's highly unlikely an aspie would've gotten closer to you at all if he wasnt in the mindset of progressing the relationship. SO... he thinks you should send him a follow up email that says something like this:

    "Hey, I know my last email was a lot, but really I just wanted to tell you how I feel. There's no specific right answer or thing you need to say. We've just gotten closer in the last little while and i want to keep progressing in that direction with you, so i guess i just want to know if you'd like that too. A simple yes or no is perfectly fine."

    Then just leave it at that-- he's more likely to respond to something like this that's short, clear, and easy to follow. Hope that helps!!
     
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  14. AidenMaccullagh

    AidenMaccullagh Well-Known Member

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    You took a huge risk even I would have trouble doing what you did so on that aspect you were very brave and I commend you for it. Putting myself in his shoes I would be contemplating what I read. I would also be considering my words carefully. I would probably even get a second opinion. It's possible he is having flashbacks from previous relationships he had been in where he got abused. Impulsively I would say no and regret it later however I would consider that it would be a chance a seeing what true love really is. So overall he is probably having many emotions running through his mind I know I would. However I hope that he says yes and that you can talk about video games and ideas for new ones. The common interests is there. I'm absolutely certain that this will take time. I beg of you DO NOT rush his response. Rushing it will scare him and force him to say no. My best advice is just talk to him and see the common interest and at a point where you least expect it you may get your response. Keep your head up.
     
  15. Pinecones

    Pinecones Well-Known Member

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    If it were me receiving that message, it might take me many days to process your words, then maybe even many more to process my own feelings! It's not a matter of mistrust or doubt, it's a... process. I often feel... things. So many THINGS. And I don't have an automatic interpretation for WHAT I am feeling. I have to work through it. And I would say I'm pretty GOOD at it, and I have processing partners to help me, and it can STILL take many days for me to figure things out. Or weeks. Or months. Or years. It's all very confusing and I don't know where I'm at emotionally sometimes, especially at times when I've been dating or coping with romantic feelings.

    If he's anything like me, he might have a close friend or two he can take this two and process with. If not, he might just shut down and have no idea how to respond. In his place, I personally would respond well to gentle, patient follw-up communication. Communication that was decidedly NOT pressuring, pushy, emotional, or had expectations attached. There is a deep conflict and fear associated with not meeting expectations, and that can become absolutely overwhelming when someone else has placed THEIR feelings in MY hands.

    Remember; you are not responsible for how he feels, and he is not responsible for how you feel.

    If he's anything like me, it would help to hear that. That my (as a recipient) feelings or decisions are my own, and I am not required or expected to react or reciprocate in a certain way. Even if I wanted to reciprocate positively I might not know how to because of the weight of the circumstance.

    If I received a message like that and felt positively, I might think things like "How do I not mess this up? This seems fragile, what do I say? How do I reciprocate? The thought of plunging into this is frightening. I might go over board. What if I don't meet their expectations? Do they even know me? If I open up now I will be opening myself up to possible pain. I've been abused before, do I really want to put myself in this position again? What do I do? Have I already waited to long? Is there something specific I'm supposed to do here? How do I be honest; what is okay? Is this person really being honest with me or do they have another motive? Probably not, but what if I'm wrong, I don't want to get hurt again..."

    I imagine A LOT of people think things like this. Put yourself in his shoes as best you can. It "might" be beneficial to follow up with him and be proactive; don't give up on him, be reassuring, let him know you're patient and also serious, that you will wait for him and still receive him in kindness. I respond very well to knowing others are patient with my awkwardness.

    Use your best judgement of course, this is just based on how I personally would think about the situation!
     
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  16. Pinecones

    Pinecones Well-Known Member

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    My partner was patient with me. He told me how he felt honestly and often. It was stifling for me at first, but he didn't push it. I pushed back at him hard, made sure he knew I was NOT feeling what he was feeling. He wasn't desperate for me to reciprocate. He mostly just wanted to make sure I knew how he felt. He was consistent. He affirmed his feelings often without pressure of reciprocation. He knew I was guarded and needed time. I pushed and pushed and pushed because I didn't know how to feel, what was okay to feel, how to act on feelings, which feelings I needed to ignore, etc etc.
    really helped not being pressured or pushed, not having this "I NEED TO KNOW" crap thrown at me. Not having someone pushing affection on me. He was always very respectful of my boundaries but left an open invitation for affection if I wanted to reciprocate, with no expectation that I would. He hoped, sure- he hoped like crazy I would! But he did NOT push me. And he respected the hard boundaries I put up at first. And that made all the difference and allowed me to process and eventually choose to reciprocate.

    I hope this helps :) I like to share my input based on personal experience.
     
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  17. ilovetochat87

    ilovetochat87 Well-Known Member

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    I definitely agree I so agree you. He's got a lot weighing on his shoulders being the fact that for one he's male with Asperger's and men with AS are different than women with AS. we can hide our feelings. We are a lot harder to diagnose etc. etc. bc we don't put off as high of a radar so we sometimes get passed up and people don't automatically realize sometimes but with the guys they are overly obvious and it's hard for them and they get recognized and noticed pretty quickly and get diagnosed a lot more commonly and frequently than girls do. So you can probably mask and manage better than he can.
    But even for myself who as I age I get less and less AS I still have a lot of the problems that she mentioned in the previous answer: what if I don't do it right? what If I'm not doing it the way they expect? what if they're better at this than me and I'm not? What if I don't measure up to their expectations or the way that they want me to be or the way I should be? And I have to realize that I'm new to this I don't know. I've never had a relationship that went physical I don't know what I'm doing. I've never had this problem so they may be better than me they may know more than me. They may have expectations that I can't meet right now that's okay. I should talk to them and I should tell them how I feel. But what if I do and they say nevermind bc now they know I'm that kind of person and they were looking for somebody a little bit more ready and experienced? They want to be my partner. And maybe I shouldn't do anything at all in fear of screwing it up? But when I don't do anything at all look what happens I don't find any relationships bc not communicating but if I do communicate and put myself out there then I run everybody off. I decided being with nobody is the best option. Then I find the right person. I recently found the right person and I really think that yes, I'm nervous and I haven't really talked to them about that very thing what if I'm not right? What if I'm not doing it the right way? Etc. But I think I have a patient person that's willing to except that part of me and take it easy with me.

    That's an Asperger thing to be nervous, and to fret and dwell on imaginary things that haven't even happened yet. I used to be on a site that basically told me people on the spectrum are either one way or the other and there's no middle ground. They say people on the spectrum are either severely sexually hyper or they are asexual and want nothing to do with physical and that there's no middle ground. And so far nobody I've ever talk to on that website has ever met anybody that was in the middle ground and explained why and it makes total sense. But being that he's been abused in the past that's a very good reason for him to have a fear and to bring up a lot of his AS and be afraid and wonder, am I doing this right? am I going to disappoint her? Am I going to be what she's expecting? Am I going to do what she's expecting? Am I going to do it right? I really like her but I've been hurt in the past and I don't know what I should do now I don't want to get hurt again but I don't know and I don't know how to talk to her about my feelings bc I don't myself know my feelings and it's confusing etc.

    Lime they have said before tell them how u feel and be very simple/plain that u like him that u were just letting him know. you're simply wanting to know if he likes u and don't make it any more than that. Tell him that it's up to him you're there for him however he comes out in this game.

    Me personally I just like to cuddle I just like to hold hands I like to be there. I'm not really so much sexual but I like kissing and I think it all stems from not knowing what I'm doing or how and guys expect me so much to do and to be. And when they find out that I don't know it kind of backs them up a little and I think that if this guy that I'm dating is the right guy he will be patient and he'll say okay we don't have to do that right now let's take it easy and let's not rush it, but eventually let's try but. I want to get u to where you're comfortable. I think that's exactly what this guy for yu means.

    I think the fear aspect is always gonna be there even more so bc he's had those issues in the past and he needs extra reassurance. This is different but on the same bc I can't think of a better analogy but my mom at one point had an incident where she had to live with me for three months. During that experience she decided maybe I should live with her we would make great friends and roommates we love to shop we love to go to dinner together we like to go to the movie etc. I enjoy hanging with my mom and being a best friend to my mom. My disability advocates told her no, u know if u do this she's gonna love it but she'll get so used to being with mom she'll forget how to be independent and she'll regress back to u taking care of her and she'll forget how to be independent and then if something happens and u can't be with her anymore she'll have forgotten and u'll have just killed everything she's worked for to be independent at the level she is. And I am very much more independent than most people with AS by a longshot. But it could alter everything I've worked for.

    Your guy had a pretty good deal in life. He got married, he had kids, he was doing great. And then he went through some issues that set him back not for the better but for the worse and just when he was doing really good. And for a person with Asperger's that's a big deal. I have a friend who has been mistreated multiple times by different men and now that she's with the good guy that really loves her she's afraid to be herself and she keeps things from him bc of her past she's afraid to open up and trust him fully. But that's even 10x worse for a person on the spectrum who already has enough fears and insecurities and doesn't know how to do things that an average neurotypical person does and then they go and get hurt or abused or whatever their situation and that killed any progress they've had. And now they're never gonna get the progress and if they do it's gonna take a long time.

    U just have to be patient that maybe he's nervous and kind of regressing a little bit bc of what he went through when maybe he was confident enough to do it with another woman to the point even of having kids and look what , he's not confident enough to give u an answer immediately. So he might have regressed we don't know. Again that other people have said we don't know him specifically we can only guess based on AS in general but again also as previously stated each individual though they are similar in that we do the same things but we do our own levels. Everyone of us has sensitivities to sounds and tastes but at our own levels. etc. etc. so we can't judge too much on this bc we don't know but I can basically tell u he's very likely to have regressed a little sense what he went through and ur probably the first try again if u will and so he needs patience to help him and to be trusting and okay with who he is and let him come at his pace. And people said just let him know simply all u wanted was to tell him u like him and u wanted to know if he likes you. Say we don't have to take this anywhere serious right now I know things have been crazy but I do like u and I would like to at least try and see where things go and if that's all you can handle at this time then that's fine. Just let him know that that's okay with you just be patient. and if he takes crazy amounts of time to reply then trust judgement just give it up because obviously you're not gonna get anywhere with him. At that point u can rest knowing u tried.
     
    Last edited: Aug 10, 2018
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  18. Shaz75

    Shaz75 Member

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    Finding this thread quite interesting, mistakenly thought it was an old post of mine initially. I confessed my feelings to an Aspie guy after being told the same as the original poster. Would be interested to hear how it works out for you Jane, I hope it goes well. It didn't go so well for me as he withdrew quite a bit, he's still around though months later although our contact is quite inconsistent now. I'm sometimes ready to cut contact as think it's crossed over from me being patient to him just using me at times. It's a tough one to work out, trying to give the consistency he may need to establish trust (was badly treated in his last relationship) or work out if he's just not interested. I think that if I cut contact that would be it as he wouldn't initiate anything, difficulty is though I've spoken to others with AS who said that they often don't initiate and forget to reply but it doesn't necessarily mean they're not interested. Anyway, really hope it goes well for you both.
     
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  19. Jane Smith

    Jane Smith Well-Known Member

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    This is EXTREMELY helpful. Thank you! I think this is a good point. He is extremely busy, so I was going to give him a week or two. Just so he can decompress. Then I was going to send another e-mail like the one you said.

    I would send one sooner, but the last time I did that he felt very "rushed". Like he needed to time because of his schedule.

    But this was very informative. Thank you again!
     
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  20. Jane Smith

    Jane Smith Well-Known Member

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    This is another extremely helpful post! Thank you!!! Like I said in my post above this one, I think I will give him a week or so. That seems to be a safe time frame for him. Doesn't make him feel rushed, but he realizes how serious I am.