I can’t find an “in-between”

[Markness]

I’ve been told partly why I haven’t managed to be successful in finding love (Aside from one short lived relationship in 2010.) is because I move either too slowly or too quickly in social interactions. I apparently come across as being non-interested or too desperate. But how can I find an “in-between” so to say?

 

[Magna]

Can Peter Gabriel help?

"I'm living way beyond my ways and means, living in the zone of the in-betweens"

 

[Markness]

Can Peter Gabriel help?

"I'm living way beyond my ways and means, living in the zone of the in-betweens"

Music doesn’t help me in all honesty. I am either bullied for my musical interests or rejected when I try to join in. These reasons are partly why I don’t post in the music sub-forum anymore.

 

[Magna]

Sorry, I thought music was a big part of your life. It is in mine.

 

[Markness]

Sorry, I thought music was a big part of your life. It is in mine.

I wanted it to be but I got denied it from being so.

Apparently I shouldn’t even think about finding love when I socialize but I see others bonding romantically wherever I go.

 

[tree]

No one is denying you access to enjoying music.

From what you have said in the past, you had high goals
set for what you expected to do in music as far as playing
and writing it. And, because those goals haven't been
attained, you act as if there's an entity or group of people
who ruin music for you.

It looks to me that you are the one denying yourself the
enjoyment of music. Appreciating what you can do instead of
focusing on what you haven't managed will bring you more
pleasure than moping about a fictitious *denial.*

=================
Again you allude to *someone* telling you that you'll fail to
bond with a partner in a loving way. And instead of thinking
*hey those couples are not so different from me. I can hope
for that, for myself...* you seem to settle for grousing about the
assessment of-----whoever the mysterious *someone* is
who says you should forget about it.

 

[Rogue Princess]

There's nothing wrong with moving too quickly. Some of the best relationships I've been in we moved in together within a week or two after meeting.

People judge me for it of course... I just know what I want. I'm not going to listen to miserable people's opinions on my happiness anyway.

 

[Masked Man]

No one is denying you access to enjoying music.

From what you have said in the past, you had high goals
set for what you expected to do in music as far as playing
and writing it. And, because those goals haven't been
attained, you act as if there's an entity or group of people
who ruin music for you.

It looks to me that you are the one denying yourself the
enjoyment of music. Appreciating what you can do instead of
focusing on what you haven't managed will bring you more
pleasure than moping about a fictitious *denial.*

=================
Again you allude to *someone* telling you that you'll fail to
bond with a partner in a loving way. And instead of thinking
*hey those couples are not so different from me. I can hope
for that, for myself...* you seem to settle for grousing about the
assessment of-----whoever the mysterious *someone* is
who says you should forget about it.

Agree with all of this, and also... what you do not see is the work along with the trials and errors that everyone else goes through before they have some success. You are seeing a very small part of the picture, so you, in effect, think that it must be happening automatically for everyone else but you. Which of course is, once again, incorrect.

 

[Tony Ramirez]

I never been in a relationship. Never even been really been rejected, that's my problem. I talked to many women but nothing ever comes out of it relationship wise. I still don't feel like giving up even though most of my cousins are married and the remaining that are not are in relationships.

 

[ManuelXX]

Mi è stato detto in parte perché non sono riuscito a trovare l'amore (a parte una relazione di breve durata nel 2010) perché mi muovo troppo lentamente o troppo velocemente nelle interazioni sociali. A quanto pare mi sembra disinteressato o troppo disperato. Ma come posso trovare una via di mezzo, per così dire?

Non preoccuparti per l'ora! Secondo me è normale muoversi lentamente nelle interazioni sociali. Solo se conosci molto bene una persona, questa può diventare importante per te. E se consideri (come me) il tuo partner una delle persone più importanti della tua vita, è importante conoscerlo bene.

 

[tree]

"I’ve been told partly why I haven’t managed to be successful in finding love (Aside from one short lived relationship in 2010.) is because I move either too slowly or too quickly in social interactions. I apparently come across as being non-interested or too desperate. But how can I find an “in-between” so to say?"

Non preoccuparti per l'ora! Secondo me è normale muoversi lentamente nelle interazioni sociali. Solo se conosci molto bene una persona, questa può diventare importante per te. E se consideri (come me) il tuo partner una delle persone più importanti della tua vita, è importante conoscerlo bene.

per google translate

 

[elgat0verde]

When the right person shows up there will be no "too fast" nor "too slow" it will just kinda happen

I can't talk from personal experience because, like you, I always move either too fast or am completely oblivious to people hitting on me.

One thing I've learned tho, If you force love you will end up in a bad relationship, I forced love in my last one and now I'm divorced because I ended up with the wrong person.

Be patient, I know it's hard but it's possible

Love is not a little happiness pill that will solve all of your problems, it never solved mine and after the honeymoon phase I was back into being depressed/sad

I have been in many relationships and this is what I've learned, a girlfriend is not the answer.

Be happy with yourself so, when the right person shows up, you can show them your best side

 

[Masked Man]

I think the moving too fast and moving too slow come from opposite moods - desperation and depression.

When someone is desperate, they're overeager, and they end up pushing the other person away through off-putting behaviors like over-sharing, trying to get too close too soon, over-stepping boundaries, etc.

The other side of that is the depressive side - where you get lost in your own anxiety and you don't do anything.

You overcome that by being comfortable with yourself. I think that's been touched upon here quite often. You have to basically like yourself and be comfortable in your own skin. Otherwise you're going to continue to swing between these two opposing maladaptive behaviors.

 

[Gerald Wilgus]

Once again, @Markness , you are externally driven for validation. That in itself is not attractive. You need to be internally driven and you seem entirely resistant to that. You come off as being a human windsock and then wonder why you demonstrate no self confidence for dating.

 

[Forest Cat]

I think the moving too fast and moving too slow come from opposite moods - desperation and depression.

When someone is desperate, they're overeager, and they end up pushing the other person away through off-putting behaviors like over-sharing, trying to get too close too soon, over-stepping boundaries, etc.

The other side of that is the depressive side - where you get lost in your own anxiety and you don't do anything.

You overcome that by being comfortable with yourself. I think that's been touched upon here quite often. You have to basically like yourself and be comfortable in your own skin. Otherwise you're going to continue to swing between these two opposing maladaptive behaviors.

This makes a lot of sense.

 

[Markness]

No one is denying you access to enjoying music.

From what you have said in the past, you had high goals
set for what you expected to do in music as far as playing
and writing it. And, because those goals haven't been
attained, you act as if there's an entity or group of people
who ruin music for you.

It looks to me that you are the one denying yourself the
enjoyment of music. Appreciating what you can do instead of
focusing on what you haven't managed will bring you more
pleasure than moping about a fictitious *denial.*

=================
Again you allude to *someone* telling you that you'll fail to
bond with a partner in a loving way. And instead of thinking
*hey those couples are not so different from me. I can hope
for that, for myself...* you seem to settle for grousing about the
assessment of-----whoever the mysterious *someone* is
who says you should forget about it.

How are they different from me when they coupled up while I have not?

 

[Crabcore]

I’ve been told partly why I haven’t managed to be successful in finding love (Aside from one short lived relationship in 2010.) is because I move either too slowly or too quickly in social interactions. I apparently come across as being non-interested or too desperate. But how can I find an “in-between” so to say?

My smooth-brained answer would be to find someone who does stuff at the same pace as you so that you don't have to micromanage what comes naturally to you!

You could always embrace your individuality, too. People are forgiving, especially when they love you.

 

[Markness]

Someone who told me I came on too strong also typed “smh” to me as if I did something contemptible.

 

[tree]

Someone who told me I came on too strong also typed “smh” to me as if I did something contemptible.

smh (shaking my head) does not necessarily mean the person
finds an action 'contemptible.' Shaking one's head at the
action of another person can convey surprise. You're thinking
of it as condemnation where it may have been a head shake of
*wow, I wouldn't have done it that way...*

 

[Markness]

smh (shaking my head) does not necessarily mean the person
finds an action 'contemptible.' Shaking one's head at the
action of another person can convey surprise. You're thinking
of it as condemnation where it may have been a head shake of
*wow, I wouldn't have done it that way...*

That person also didn’t want me to have a girlfriend.