Hi. My name is saige. (Not in real life but online)
I'm new here because i'm desperate. I think something is wrong with me. I can feel it. I still live with my parents who you'd think would try and help me but they don't. They complain and complain and complain, call me autistic and the r-slur, tell me how frustrating the things i do are, yet all of the time they never tell me exactly what i'm doing wrong. They've never taken me for an evaluation and use the word autistic as a sort of insult, alongside the slur, as if it's just this disgusting, inconveniencing thing. They take every opportunity they can to tell me how stuck up my butt my head is and how embarrassing i act for my age, but do they do anything about it besides that? No. I'm stuck here without any sort of professional help with parents who have never asked me how i am when i'm very obviously depressed or demotivated or tired, when i don't shower or engage in any sort of hygiene for weeks on end or get up to do much of anything. They've even explicitly said getting an evaluation would be useless because "what would they do?".. so i guess support and therapy doesn't exist. They don't even want to take me to therapy since they're scared i'll tell the therapists how they treat me and cps will get involved, but they also say that i have it good and they don't hurt me or anything so i don't see why they'd get so defensive.
I'm in this constant state of insecurity that something i could do might offend them or be generally the wrong thing to have done. I don't know if it's just frustrating to them or if it would be frustrating to people in public, but i wouldn't know the latter because i mask in public because i hate how i act. I hate everything about it. I hate how i talk, how i get so sensitive and intense over things, how i forget things so incredibly easily, how i can never tell what social cues mean, how overwhelmed i get when it's too loud or overall overstimulating, and the list goes on. i'll put a list i made of the things i deal with at the end of this but just know my parents have quite literally never given me advice or anything to help me get better. They just judge. It's nothing besides them making rude comments about how i act, no matter how significantly i may have acted. I feel like i'm in the wrong all of the time and i'm too stupid to see that I'm doing something wrong so i can just fix it and every time i try and ask what i did wrong they're like "you're just so.. ughhh i don't know. Just stop." stop what?? What am i meant to be stopping?? You clearly know so much abput my mental state so tell me how to FIX IT-
anyways i looked up some online communities i could use and.. here i am. i really hope to seek some refuge here since i don't have any support systems in real life. I've been going through a depressive episode for the last month and a half and it's only gotten worse. I hit a year clean in July of this year but I've seriously considered destroying my clean streak recently. My parents dont help, i doubt anyone else in my family would, so it's just me. I've never managed to sustain real life friendships, and online ones have always been very brief or just not strong at all. I homeschool and live in a very rural area in a city of merely 500 people. I can't just go out and make friends or talk to anyone in school.
pretty much my only motivation for staying here is my pets and my four younger sisters, which i'm the oldest of. My pets wouldn't be able to comprehend my sudden disappearance and i would hate for my youngest little sister to grow up wondering why she never got to meet me and having to be told what i did, or the two older ones spending their childhood with the fresh knowledge that i had done that, though the second-oldest kind of seems irritated at me as much as my parents whenever i do stuff. that aside, i do have some things to live for still, but its gotten so bad i'm blinded by that sometimes.
anyways, all that crap aside, i guess i'll put some information about myself down here.
-i'm very very interested in insects, i absolutely love them. I plan to be an entomologist solely because one day i snapped out of the whole 'ew bugs are bad and gross and dangerous' mindset and grew probably too hyperfixated on them.
-i love the color green. I do not mean that lightly at all, i LOVE. the color green. if my blood could be green i'd want green blood. (Besides that neutral browns and nature-y tones are cool too)
-i was born with this thing called craniosynostosis which resulted in me having to have five surgeries up until i was five years old (i missed preschool :,)) which resulted in a large scar on my head (that now works very well as a headset dent), a scar on my side, and a scar under my right eye that has pretty much caused the entire right side of my face to be crooked. It never gets easy to get used to.
-i enjoy drawing, going outside to look at insects and critters, playing video games (a very select few that aren't overly long and time consuming, or have some kind of long strenuous stressful story you have to follow with multiple endings, or demand you play for hours on end to get good at, I really like epic minigames on roblox), corbids, seals, animals in general, the glitch productions shows Murder Drones and TADC, and the MCU
-my favorite types of music are some occasional jumpstyle, vocaloid, FEMTANYL's music, baroque pop (i like army dreamers by kate bush so i assume thats what it is), tally hall, and it honestly varies a lot so i never really stick to one style.
there are some other things about me but that's the basics. Just wanted to post this introduction here so maybe i can get acquainted with some people since i sincerely need someone to reach out to, even if i'm not autistic. have a good day!
here's the list of symptoms by the way:
I'm new here because i'm desperate. I think something is wrong with me. I can feel it. I still live with my parents who you'd think would try and help me but they don't. They complain and complain and complain, call me autistic and the r-slur, tell me how frustrating the things i do are, yet all of the time they never tell me exactly what i'm doing wrong. They've never taken me for an evaluation and use the word autistic as a sort of insult, alongside the slur, as if it's just this disgusting, inconveniencing thing. They take every opportunity they can to tell me how stuck up my butt my head is and how embarrassing i act for my age, but do they do anything about it besides that? No. I'm stuck here without any sort of professional help with parents who have never asked me how i am when i'm very obviously depressed or demotivated or tired, when i don't shower or engage in any sort of hygiene for weeks on end or get up to do much of anything. They've even explicitly said getting an evaluation would be useless because "what would they do?".. so i guess support and therapy doesn't exist. They don't even want to take me to therapy since they're scared i'll tell the therapists how they treat me and cps will get involved, but they also say that i have it good and they don't hurt me or anything so i don't see why they'd get so defensive.
I'm in this constant state of insecurity that something i could do might offend them or be generally the wrong thing to have done. I don't know if it's just frustrating to them or if it would be frustrating to people in public, but i wouldn't know the latter because i mask in public because i hate how i act. I hate everything about it. I hate how i talk, how i get so sensitive and intense over things, how i forget things so incredibly easily, how i can never tell what social cues mean, how overwhelmed i get when it's too loud or overall overstimulating, and the list goes on. i'll put a list i made of the things i deal with at the end of this but just know my parents have quite literally never given me advice or anything to help me get better. They just judge. It's nothing besides them making rude comments about how i act, no matter how significantly i may have acted. I feel like i'm in the wrong all of the time and i'm too stupid to see that I'm doing something wrong so i can just fix it and every time i try and ask what i did wrong they're like "you're just so.. ughhh i don't know. Just stop." stop what?? What am i meant to be stopping?? You clearly know so much abput my mental state so tell me how to FIX IT-
anyways i looked up some online communities i could use and.. here i am. i really hope to seek some refuge here since i don't have any support systems in real life. I've been going through a depressive episode for the last month and a half and it's only gotten worse. I hit a year clean in July of this year but I've seriously considered destroying my clean streak recently. My parents dont help, i doubt anyone else in my family would, so it's just me. I've never managed to sustain real life friendships, and online ones have always been very brief or just not strong at all. I homeschool and live in a very rural area in a city of merely 500 people. I can't just go out and make friends or talk to anyone in school.
pretty much my only motivation for staying here is my pets and my four younger sisters, which i'm the oldest of. My pets wouldn't be able to comprehend my sudden disappearance and i would hate for my youngest little sister to grow up wondering why she never got to meet me and having to be told what i did, or the two older ones spending their childhood with the fresh knowledge that i had done that, though the second-oldest kind of seems irritated at me as much as my parents whenever i do stuff. that aside, i do have some things to live for still, but its gotten so bad i'm blinded by that sometimes.
anyways, all that crap aside, i guess i'll put some information about myself down here.
-i'm very very interested in insects, i absolutely love them. I plan to be an entomologist solely because one day i snapped out of the whole 'ew bugs are bad and gross and dangerous' mindset and grew probably too hyperfixated on them.
-i love the color green. I do not mean that lightly at all, i LOVE. the color green. if my blood could be green i'd want green blood. (Besides that neutral browns and nature-y tones are cool too)
-i was born with this thing called craniosynostosis which resulted in me having to have five surgeries up until i was five years old (i missed preschool :,)) which resulted in a large scar on my head (that now works very well as a headset dent), a scar on my side, and a scar under my right eye that has pretty much caused the entire right side of my face to be crooked. It never gets easy to get used to.
-i enjoy drawing, going outside to look at insects and critters, playing video games (a very select few that aren't overly long and time consuming, or have some kind of long strenuous stressful story you have to follow with multiple endings, or demand you play for hours on end to get good at, I really like epic minigames on roblox), corbids, seals, animals in general, the glitch productions shows Murder Drones and TADC, and the MCU
-my favorite types of music are some occasional jumpstyle, vocaloid, FEMTANYL's music, baroque pop (i like army dreamers by kate bush so i assume thats what it is), tally hall, and it honestly varies a lot so i never really stick to one style.
there are some other things about me but that's the basics. Just wanted to post this introduction here so maybe i can get acquainted with some people since i sincerely need someone to reach out to, even if i'm not autistic. have a good day!
here's the list of symptoms by the way:
- nervousness + panic if something sudden comes up and i didnt know beforehand where we were going and my routine gets thrown off
- really really strong interests and fixations, sometimes making real responsibilities difficult to focus on
- incredibly sensitive emotions
- getting too loud and intense over small things
- shutting down whenever i'm overwhelmed (by something i have to do, something already going on, etc) and pretty much feeling tired and unable to move
- getting overwhelmed by certain noises and stimuli (i.e. the school moment)
- hearing background noises (humming, talking, etc) much louder than the thing i need to focus on
- struggling to focus
- incredibly forgetful, forgetting things that i was just told
- struggle to complete a task in one go without getting distracted (sometimes it takes me hours to do a task)
- only feeling motivated to do things i'm interested in as opposed to chores
- fidgeting with stuff
- picking scabs on skin
- inability to sit still, needing to kick legs or tap foot or move or something
- inability to detect sarcasm or joking, taking everything wayy too seriously
- caring too much about how other people feel
- unable to read the room and take social cues as to whether or not i should act a certain way
- blurting out things that are sometimes too honest or even rude to say, or unfit for the situation
- butting in to conversations or trying to share something to someone actively conversing
- anxiety over little things, as well as just random anxiety
- needing certain stuffed animals to sleep with
- enjoying being in cozy, compressed/tight spots
- brain sometimes moves faster than my mouth which causes me to sometimes slur words together or mumble
- quite intense anger if something even little irritates me, feeling the need to lash out
- obnoxiously loud yelling if something even slightly distressing happens
- getting upset when people don't listen to me talking about my interests, even if they were busy beforehand
- often lack of energy, lack of showering often or proper hygiene
- upsetness when yelled at, or even slightly chided
- demotivation/sadness throughout the day
- harmful thoughts after being rebuked even slightly, usually involving harming self or committed sewer-slide.
- clinging to rude things said to me, or things i said that were rude, still feeling guilty even years later and dwelling on them
- crying over little things
- needing more and more and more clarification for something said
- hand flapping, jumping, squealing when happy or excited, sometimes unconsciously
- t-rex arms while walking, also an unconscious effort
- vocal stims like repeating random phrases over and over again, even when i don't realize I'm doing it, since it makes me feel comforted sometimes or relaxed if i'm nervous, or it just feels nice
.
(sarcasm)... better to find people that share that neurodivergent experience. Alternatively, would you want to change the world in some way... contribute to or make the next advancement in the arts or sciences? Do you want to live in a world of love, positivity, and unity? All that said, being autistic does come with a "cost" and that means all sorts of social, communication, sensory, and even some fine motor skill issues. I often feel like a visiting extraterrestrial alien disguised as a human, here to observe on Earth. It used to be quite confusing and frustrating, but I have embraced it at this point. But... as frustrating and painful it can be in specific situations... I wouldn't want to be neurotypical. I love that I am different. Self-acceptance is so important.
