I actually didn't realize it was a problem

[Pats]

It's really kind of weird when I think about it. The fact that I preferred and needed my alone time, I just figured was because I was a loner. When things got too chaotic, I'd need to step away and catch my breath. Always hated carnivals, amusement parks, anywhere noisy and crowded. I always had a hard time making friends because I figured I was just too shy. I'd go to church and every Sunday feel worse when I left than I did before going. I figured it was just my depression. A few people actually liked my bluntness, but most did not. I just didn't get it, but was fine when people didn't like me. I could never play sports - too uncoordinated. I could never dance - too stiff. I was naïve and often told I was looking through rose colored glasses.

I'm not sure how I kept my job as long as I did because I was always getting in trouble with my boss. I didn't mind being different than everyone else - I didn't understand everyone else. I think the reason I got through working all the years I did was because I basically believed that everyone probably hated it as much as I did, they just didn't let anyone else know. They'd work over time because they wanted the money, where I'd be the first to clock out and the last to ever volunteer to work an extra night.

The cheerleading coaches didn't like me - my son used to joke and say they had a code word that they would announce when I came so they would know to hide. But where every parent had to volunteer to help with the concession stand, they'd always tell me I didn't have to - they didn't like having to put up with me. Not many people understood my sense of humor and I just figured they had a different sense of humor, if they had one at all. Teachers didn't usually like me, bosses usually didn't like me, other parents didn't like me and preachers never liked me. I never really questioned why. I chalked everything up to whatever.

I was quiet. I was a loner. I was sensitive to stimuli. I was shy. I was a tomboy. I was honest, maybe too honest. I knew a lot about some things and couldn't get other things to sink in. I was naïve. I was cautious. I was a nervous person. The list goes on.

A couple times my boss demanded that I go for counseling in order to keep my job, which I was told by the counselor that they could not do that, so continuing would be my choice, so I wouldn't continue. I was good at backing out of things like meeting my sister in Gatlinburg or something.

Yes, I never felt like I fit in anywhere and felt like an alien and I know that I was trying to hide myself behind a mask in fear of being found out - I just didn't know what it was I feared anyone finding out. The first time I realized any of this was actually a problem was when I went out on disability. Disability required this test - I was told it was testing for depression, but it was about a 4 hour thing - talking to a psychologist and taking this test about work and social things.

When I got the papers saying I would receive disability I thought it was kind of crazy that it was mostly due to my 'social and occupational functioning being severely impaired'? Apparently it wasn't a test for depression, it was the global assessment of functioning (GAF). The letter also suggested having someone manage my finances. The lady handling my case told me the reason for that was so if I was ever so depressed that I couldn't handle paying bills and such.

No one was straight forward with me about what any of this actually meant. But from a few of the notes, I realized for the first time that there was actually a real problem, not just me being all the things I chalked myself up as being. I did go in and get the part changed that I could handle my own finances. At that point I should have went further with figuring out what those results meant, because I knew the lady was lying to me. The papers were making me sound a bit off my rocker and she was trying to say it was just the depression?

Not sure why I went here tonight - the first time in 4 days that I have felt decent so I guess I was just feeling talkative.

 

[Nauti]

For what it worth, I am on disability too, and I think we are both ok, just Aspies who worked too hard and pushed ourselves too hard, for too many years, with too little support, and we are both just burnt out and a bit sad and PTSDy.
I read lots of your threads and you sound like someone rhat I would really like. I feel like I "get" you and I'm feeling for you, going through what you are, at rhe moment.

 

[Sarah S]

Pats as you should know by now i have similar background - kids and some other stuff and like you i fought HARD with ANYTHING i got against my diagnosis and more or less worked my self to an early grave before i also ONE day had to step down and was offerd the same deal as you now been offerd (incl a few years back oferd and suggested a help with my finances ) And i TOOK said deal of early retirement (Sick pension its called here and i believe this is what you call permanent disability BUT not the one with legal finucual aid tho. BUT i do have a person who have stood by me ALL this years (going on 8 years´now incl helped me getting my finances straight and without him i wouldn't be here to day i would be dead. & you have NOTHING to feel ashamed of for taking this step if you do and you should feel PROUD of youre self fore actually making it this as as you have dear. MANY of us dont (me included )

 

[Fridgemagnetman]

So to sum :

1. You're mad.
2. You manage your own finances
3. You like your own company.

What's not to like?

 

[Ginseng]

Pat, even after their testing I sincerely doubt they would have recognized you are autistic. They really don’t teach how to recognize autism even to psychologists. Hopefully this will change and the next generation of women won’t have to suffer through this. How long after this did you go for testing to see if you were autistic? And where did you learn about autism in women? I know you have said before but I forgot.

 

[Pats]

How long after this did you go for testing to see if you were autistic? And where did you learn about autism in women?

Good morning Ginseng. (I just woke up - first time all week without a high fever. Yay!!) Anyhow, I guess it was about 7 or 8 years later that I was diagnosed with autism. I couldn't seem to get over things my husband did and left him. And then I was having such a hard time being around even my own kids, I thought there was definitely something wrong with ME and all the things I would chalk up my being different to was not enough to explain the things I was feeling - literally hiding from people like a child, the freezing, that I couldn't get myself to do things I wanted to do, etc. I was trying to figure out what was wrong with me (I guess I didn't have work and other things to distract me any more). I probably have told this before, but it being constantly on my mind trying to figure out why I was like this, one morning first thought that popped into my head was to look up aspergers. I did, and it described a typical Asperger male. I could somewhat relate but not enough to fit the mold. The next morning, the first thought that popped into my head was to look up female aspergers. I even kind of questioned why would I do that? The first article I ran across was from Tiana Marshall - aspie females - a really long article going into a lot of detail. As I was reading it I was like, "Wow, I could have written this. This is me." I did more research - even explained the freezing I do (that no one I knew could ever relate to) and the box that I felt like I lived in, (which was the most amazing to me that someone somewhere knew that box). Excitedly sharing my explanation of all my struggles with my sisters and they doubted me. I wanted to talk to the kids (because they also have kids and they themselves could be on the spectrum) I decided to go for the formal diagnosis before telling them.
(Sorry - still a bit talkative - I've been so sick all week and haven't talked much to anyone - guess I'm making up for it. lol)

 

[Ginseng]

Glad you are starting to feel better. I didn’t realize you had been sick. It is so reassuring when we discover what is actually going on inside of us. It’s like the explanation of our weirdness somehow makes us normal, to ourselves anyway. Thank you for sharing.

 

[china autie]

I like you @Pats .

 

[Gracey]

I think that’s the thing @Pats,

We get through all we get through because of our idea,
“But everyone does that though, right?”

We’ve done it all our lives, we presume it’s usual and that everyone does the same as us.

Until we look closer and discover they don’t.

 

[Ken S.]

My Mother had a "Midlife Autistic Breakdown" at about age 54. She did a lot of mentally stressful work. Doctors blamed it on her diabetes yet I know many diabetics and none of them had these particular problems. I never thought much about it until working 50 to 70 hours a week caught up with me from both physically and mentally stressful work at age 46. My wife and I both noticed many commonalities between my problems and the ones my mother faced. It took me almost 11 years, 9 neurologists including a neurotologist and two movement disorder specialists, a hearing doctor and a couple of eye doctors. Even though everything I complained about screamed Sensory Processing Sensitivity every one of them misdiagnosed me from epilepsy & migraine to parkinsonian syndrome. I only figured it out 39 days after my mother died and found a psychologist and psychiatrist to verify my suspicions. It took me a long time to get over the fact that my mother died without ever actually knowing she was an aspie. I still cry about it occasionally.

 

[Thinx]

I think I know what you mean, thinking about all the ways I've adapted and found strategies over the years. It's strange to realise there's a reason that links up what we've been up against. But I do feel concerned that the diagnosers are missing our strengths. On the other hand I guess that applies to many who are differently abled.

Glad you're feeling better Pats, that sounds a nasty fever. Time to eat some nice soup, now.

 

[Ginseng]

Would you feel comfortable sharing some of you and your mom’s symptoms? I think that is what happened to me. I do believe it was from years of pushing myself beyond what I could endure.

My Mother had a "Midlife Autistic Breakdown" at about age 54.

 

[Pats]

My Mother had a "Midlife Autistic Breakdown" at about age 54. She did a lot of mentally stressful work. Doctors blamed it on her diabetes yet I know many diabetics and none of them had these particular problems. I never thought much about it until working 50 to 70 hours a week caught up with me from both physically and mentally stressful work at age 46. My wife and I both noticed many commonalities between my problems and the ones my mother faced. It took me almost 11 years, 9 neurologists including a neurotologist and two movement disorder specialists, a hearing doctor and a couple of eye doctors. Even though everything I complained about screamed Sensory Processing Sensitivity every one of them misdiagnosed me from epilepsy & migraine to parkinsonian syndrome. I only figured it out 39 days after my mother died and found a psychologist and psychiatrist to verify my suspicions. It took me a long time to get over the fact that my mother died without ever actually knowing she was an aspie. I still cry about it occasionally.

I strongly feel my mom was probably on the spectrum and I wish she had been around to figure that out, too - I think it would have helped her explain a lot about her own life also.

 

[Ken S.]

Would you feel comfortable sharing some of you and your mom’s symptoms? I think that is what happened to me. I do believe it was from years of pushing myself beyond what I could endure.

Sure I have no problem with it if it can help one person.
Commonalities we both had upon onset were being semi-comatose all the time, Incidents of overload that mimicked strokes. Not being to do any physically stressful tasks for more 30 to 45 minutes before we start to shake & cry. Personality 180 degrees of what it was before the indecent.
Went from extreme sensory seeking to extreme sensory sensitivity.
Both always had to shut down frequently our whole lives.
At least I got a proper diagnosis & put on medications that allow me to have as close to my "old self" back as it gets.
As far as social interaction I was in self defense classes starting at age 6 which helped me greatly in self confidence, Social interaction and trying
non-violent resolutions to disagreements before committing to more physical confrontation.