Hypothesis - Aspies dealing with hurt and pain

[Keigan]

my hypothesis is that, when interacting with another:

Aspies focus on that which causes the least amount of pain and hurt, such as dedicating their energy towards their work or their art or a special interest. Doing so exasperates the party that is perceived as causing the pain and hurt, for which that party tends to apply more speaking/criticism/doubt (pain and hurt) because the aspie is not paying enough attention to the party and is not responding.

Almost like we'll do anything to avoid pain and hurt.

What are your thoughts?

 

[Chance]

my hypothesis is that, when interacting with another:

Aspies focus on that which causes the least amount of pain and hurt, such as dedicating their energy towards their work or their art or a special interest. Doing so exasburates the party that is perceived as causing the pain and hurt, for which that party tends to apply more speaking/criticism/doubt (pain and hurt) because the aspie is not paying enough attention to the party and is not responding.

Almost like we'll do anything to avoid pain and hurt.

What are your thoughts?

I think your exactly right... In my case, I will avoid or try and find away around anything that reminds me of hurt, anger, or pain. I know it isn't necessarily right to be that way, but it is what it is until I learn a different way.

 

[Sabrina]

my hypothesis is that, when interacting with another:

Aspies focus on that which causes the least amount of pain and hurt, such as dedicating their energy towards their work or their art or a special interest. Doing so exasburates the party that is perceived as causing the pain and hurt, for which that party tends to apply more speaking/criticism/doubt (pain and hurt) because the aspie is not paying enough attention to the party and is not responding.

Almost like we'll do anything to avoid pain and hurt.

What are your thoughts?

True for male aspies. For aspie women, from what I've read in internet and in books, it's usually not like that, (unless the brain of the female aspie is particularly male or logical).

 

[Judge]

Good point.

It stands to reason. That we are apt to compensate for whatever social or emotional deficits we may have depending on the circumstances and inevitably fall back on things that often make more sense and/or are inherently easier to deal with in our lives, like our special interests or work.

 

[LogicalMind]

Nothing to do with Aspergers, but more to do with your specific personality. I am quite autistic... yet I pursue semantical conflict, for the sake of constructive progress... I thrive on arguments, however I do so unemotionally... Unless the parties are ignorant, to which I become enraged and pursue debate. but your notion is due to something else, not aspergers. Some of us are masochists in a milder sense too you know

old analogy in bible ... salt burns, but it also has disinfectant properties

 

[Alaska]

my hypothesis is that, when interacting with another:

Aspies focus on that which causes the least amount of pain and hurt, such as dedicating their energy towards their work or their art or a special interest. Doing so exasburates the party that is perceived as causing the pain and hurt, for which that party tends to apply more speaking/criticism/doubt (pain and hurt) because the aspie is not paying enough attention to the party and is not responding.

Almost like we'll do anything to avoid pain and hurt.

What are your thoughts?

I do not simply focus on whatever causes me the least pain etc. or I would have given up trying to even study climate change and other human-caused or aggravated catastrophes, let alone figure out ways to solve those problems. This might have something to do with me being a female Aspie, as well as regarding these as survival issues for the human race.

You got it right on with your mention of doing anything to avoid pain and hurt. I will risk my life to avoid most sources of trauma.

 

[OkRad]

I wonder if the idea previous poster said about fem aspies might be accurate,. I bend over backwards to be nice and get stuck in conversations and touching.......

I like some but even if i don't, too bad for me

 

[Fridgemagnetman]

I think your exactly right... In my case, I will avoid or try and find away around anything that reminds me of hurt, anger, or pain. I know it isn't necessarily right to be that way, but it is what it is until I learn a different way.

I'm kind of like that. There's a list of more and more things i can't think about over time.
Especially if it someone i have to interact with.
I find if I try to bring it up, i get zinged even more and feel worse.
So i go silent,work though it.
It creates distance though,so not ideal.

When i get reset to zero with last events excluded it seems everything goes back to normal in other peoples eyes. They don't realise I've had an upgrade with extra protection and distance.

People who think they know,you but only know the idea of you that they want to keep.

 

[onlything]

That would seem rather logical - aspies are perfect escape artists from the world that doesn't accept and often even tolerate them.

 

[Chance]

I'm kind of like that. There's a list of more and more things i can't think about over time.
Especially if it someone i have to interact with.
I find if I try to bring it up, i get zinged even more and feel worse.
So i go silent,work though it.
It creates distance though,so not ideal.

When i get reset to zero with last events excluded it seems everything goes back to normal in other peoples eyes. They don't realise I've had an upgrade with extra protection and distance.

People who think they know,you but only know the idea of you that they want to keep.

That would seem rather logical - aspies are perfect escape artists from the world that doesn't accept and often even tolerate them.

I think the word LOGIC is the key to all my issues... Once I lose focus on logic everything gets all messed up.
When people start chattering about gossip, speculation, rumors, or if I sense anger in their voice I get this feeling inside... At first its like this small warning for me to prepare or organize my thoughts. If I cant do that very quickly, I get another feeling that warns me I am in a situation that might not be good. If I cant stop it there, I'm usually in trouble inside. I try and hide it on the outside for as long as I can. Often I lose focus on what people are saying because my focus goes towards my LOGIC, my actions, and trying to appear normal in a situation where inside I am falling apart. At that point I am digging for an excuse to get me the hell out of that conversation. If I don't a shut down (not of my choice) will happen and I will get upset and embarrassed.

I wish so bad I had the ability to be mentally strong and not crumble where most people just flourish into normal conversation. I have worked on this all my life. It is a lot better than it used to be, but I still feel robbed, or cheated sometimes... Its like something is missing and I don't even know what that something is?

However, I simply go with what I have and that has to be enough, because its all I have and I am grateful to be able to function and do things others never even attempt.

 

[onlything]

I think the word LOGIC is the key to all my issues... Once I lose focus on logic everything gets all messed up.
When people start chattering about gossip, speculation, rumors, or if I sense anger in their voice I get this feeling inside... At first its like this small warning for me to prepare or organize my thoughts. If I cant do that very quickly, I get another feeling that warns me I am in a situation that might not be good. If I cant stop it there, I'm usually in trouble inside. I try and hide it on the outside for as long as I can. Often I lose focus on what people are saying because my focus goes towards my LOGIC, my actions, and trying to appear normal in a situation where inside I am falling apart. At that point I am digging for an excuse to get me the hell out of that conversation. If I don't a shut down (not of my choice) will happen and I will get upset and embarrassed.

I wish so bad I had the ability to be mentally strong and not crumble where most people just flourish into normal conversation. I have worked on this all my life. It is a lot better than it used to be, but I still feel robbed, or cheated sometimes... Its like something is missing and I don't even know what that something is?

However, I simply go with what I have and that has to be enough, because its all I have and I am grateful to be able to function and do things others never even attempt.

I think that the thing that is missing, is you. Not the Persona-you. The Real-you, opressed through years until it disappears into oblivion. People don't understand, don't even want to try to understand, let's not mention accept it. They tolerate it at most. The thing is, that our logic is not their logic. We literally don't speak the same language and are, once again, literally on different waves.

The thing that everyone is looking for is the sense of belonging. Be it with people(which creates personas based on responsibilities and expectations) or in our own world of passions(which provides escape from the unlogical logic of most NTs). We don't see the world the same, we don't feel the same, we don't think the same. The key here is communication and mutual respect but people, especially people in majority, rarely try to understand different points of view. They'd rather treat those different from them like freaks. This is what hurts me the most.

The real acceptance is between like-minded people - but not like-minded people of your persona. Lately I started asking myself questions again after years upon years of emulating other people, 'normal' people. I realised that my way of thinking has changed so much that the normal thoughts of 'What would I like to do?' turned into 'What should I do?' or 'What is expected of me to do?'. All this completely uncounsciously.

In most religions the biggest sin one could do is to kill a person, take their life with your own two hands. But isn't taking our lives by years of opression, disgust, hatred and disdain the same? They may let our bodies exist but the people we were disappear under the weight of the world that doesn't want us.

 

[Chance]

I think that the thing that is missing, is you. Not the Persona-you. The Real-you, opressed through years until it disappears into oblivion. People don't understand, don't even want to try to understand, let's not mention accept it. They tolerate it at most. The thing is, that our logic is not their logic. We literally don't speak the same language and are, once again, literally on different waves.

The thing that everyone is looking for is the sense of belonging. Be it with people(which creates personas based on responsibilities and expectations) or in our own world of passions(which provides escape from the unlogical logic of most NTs). We don't see the world the same, we don't feel the same, we don't think the same. The key here is communication and mutual respect but people, especially people in majority, rarely try to understand different points of view. They'd rather treat those different from them like freaks. This is what hurts me the most.

The real acceptance is between like-minded people - but not like-minded people of your persona. Lately I started asking myself questions again after years upon years of emulating other people, 'normal' people. I realised that my way of thinking has changed so much that the normal thoughts of 'What would I like to do?' turned into 'What should I do?' or 'What is expected of me to do?'. All this completely uncounsciously.

In most religions the biggest sin one could do is to kill a person, take their life with your own two hands. But isn't taking our lives by years of opression, disgust, hatred and disdain the same? They may let our bodies exist but the people we were disappear under the weight of the world that doesn't want us.

I think you just hit the "golden buzzer." I do use logic to replace that something that is missing... It is the real me. I was never wanted. I was abused and even beat unconscious a few times. I was hated by the person who gave me life and later abandoned by her. I still feel unwanted. I don't know how to not feel unwanted. Add in ASD and I am a freak in real life. So I just use what I can to make sense in a world that has never made sense to me...

Overtime I focused on my brand of LIFE, my career, fast cars, just becoming anything that wouldn't allow me to become like those who threw me away. I focus on getting through the day - everyday. I focus on a world people don't even realize exists anymore. I take risks, and I turn my back on what people see as normal. I push myself into places people don't even know exist. I seek out the unknown so I can make it known. I do live a good life, but no one understands it. I live outside the illusion that most people live in, that they call "reality." We create our own reality by how we think, and when people leave me alone I can think beyond my own wildest dreams.

I may suck with human emotions, but I was given a mass of logic and common sense that takes me places and into projects that just leave people stunned. I may not be able to communicate like a normal person, but I live far beyond the driveling lives normal people lead. Yes, they crushed me, but I used those pieces to build a life they will never be able to have.

I changed my focus to things not containing human emotion... Its all I understand, I guess.
Thanks for the clarity... Thanks for just caring to try and understand me and those like me : )

 

[onlything]

I think you just hit the "golden buzzer." I do use logic to replace that something that is missing... It is the real me. I was never wanted. I was abused and even beat unconscious a few times. I was hated by the person who gave me life and later abandoned by her. I still feel unwanted. I don't know how to not feel unwanted. Add in ASD and I am a freak in real life. So I just use what I can to make sense in a world that has never made sense to me...

Overtime I focused on my brand of LIFE, my career, fast cars, just becoming anything that wouldn't allow me to become like those who threw me away. I focus on getting through the day - everyday. I focus on a world people don't even realize exists anymore. I take risks, and I turn my back on what people see as normal. I push myself into places people don't even know exist. I seek out the unknown so I can make it known. I do live a good life, but no one understands it. I live outside the illusion that most people live in, that they call "reality." We create our own reality by how we think, and when people leave me alone I can think beyond my own wildest dreams.

I may suck with human emotions, but I was given a mass of logic and common sense that takes me places and into projects that just leave people stunned. I may not be able to communicate like a normal person, but I live far beyond the driveling lives normal people lead. Yes, they crushed me, but I used those pieces to build a life they will never be able to have.

I changed my focus to things not containing human emotion... Its all I understand, I guess.
Thanks for the clarity... Thanks for just caring to try and understand me and those like me : )

'Suck with human emotions'? No, I don't think so. You may have problems with discerning or understanding them and even more with expressing them - but you feel and that's enough. All of these three can be worked on, though the first two are far more important.

A wise person told me once that there are questions no one other than yourself can answer. The first one is 'Who am I?', the second - 'What is my purpose?'. Ask these questions yourself and one day you'll know the answer. Don't seek what others like, what should you do, what to do to run away from this. Just ask yourself once, twice, many times. Be honest and everything will solve itself.

You don't need many people to be happy.

 

[Fridgemagnetman]

A wise person told me once that there are questions no one other than yourself can answer. The first one is 'Who am I?', the second - 'What is my purpose?'.

Can i ask for 2 different questions?

I was hoping to leave those till the end of the exam.

You don't need many people to be happy

That's a relief.

Thanks for posting, it was very relevant to me today.

 

[onlything]

Can i ask for 2 different questions?

I was hoping to leave those till the end of the exam.



That's a relief.

Thanks for posting, it was very relevant to me today.

Maybe start with small questions then, like 'What do I like?'(food, color, human's behaviour etc.) or 'Is there something I want to do but always put it off until later?'. When you know the answers(because there are many), just do something for yourself. Eat food you feel like eating, buy or create something nice with a well liked motiff, spend more time with people whose behaviour makes you feel more at ease, stop putting off the activity.

Do you feel like flapping your hands in a bus? Do it. Don't care about people you don't know. You could lie down for them to walk on you and people would still complain you're not flat enough.

Do you want to hum? Do it. It's not their business.

Do you want to sit on the floor? The same as above.

Obviously, these instances are different in places like work, school etc. but whenever you're just between strangers - behave as comfortable as you can without causing anyone harm. They will forget anyway.

When I was still in primary school, I had a friend in my class who would always hum loudly on breaks while flapping hands to the rythm. People would say to his face that he's weird but he still did his thing. It was harmless, yet judged. And you know? I found him at the time, and still do, simply cool. Because he wasn't scared to just be himself.

Right people will come in the right time. Your right people will accept you for who you are, not who they want you to be. You don't need other people that would do only one thing - judge you continuously. With the latter stay professional and nothing more. They're simply not worth it.

 

[Sabrina]

The real acceptance is between like-minded people - but not like-minded people of your persona.

This has taken me years to figure out. You are very perceptive.

 

[Chance]

This has taken me years to figure out. You are very perceptive.

I still don't have it figured out... that's why I feel grateful to have you guys (and ladies)

I was so depressed and lost when I first came here... This has helped me more than any therapy and it's because I'm talking to real people dealing with the same real issues I have dealt with all my life... not some book smart expert who is judging my every word and watching my body language to eveluate any progress I'm am making to seem more NORMAL...

I know this isn't my thread but I thank all of you and Keigan for just being here.

 

[Streetwise]

I still don't have it figured out... that's why I feel grateful to have you guys (and ladies)

I was so depressed and lost when I first came here... This has helped me more than any therapy and it's because I'm talking to real people dealing with the same real issues I have dealt with all my life... not some book smart expert who is judging my every word and watching my body language to eveluate any progress I'm am making to seem more NORMAL...

I know this isn't my thread but I thank all of you and Keigan for just being here.

You've made a hormonal woman teary lol

 

[SomeRandomAspie]

my hypothesis is that, when interacting with another:

Aspies focus on that which causes the least amount of pain and hurt, such as dedicating their energy towards their work or their art or a special interest. Doing so exasperates the party that is perceived as causing the pain and hurt, for which that party tends to apply more speaking/criticism/doubt (pain and hurt) because the aspie is not paying enough attention to the party and is not responding.

Almost like we'll do anything to avoid pain and hurt.

What are your thoughts?

I think that may be true for the majority. My philosophy about the universe takes care of all pain, stress, and negative emotions for me. It's based on thermodynamics and says that no matter what I do, there will be the same result, thus, I cannot mess anything up. I'm able to go to parties, have friends, and give speeches in front of the whole school (about 2500 people). I even ran for class president!

 

[Gracey]

my hypothesis is that, when interacting with another:

Aspies focus on that which causes the least amount of pain and hurt, such as dedicating their energy towards their work or their art or a special interest. Doing so exasperates the party that is perceived as causing the pain and hurt, for which that party tends to apply more speaking/criticism/doubt (pain and hurt) because the aspie is not paying enough attention to the party and is not responding.

Almost like we'll do anything to avoid pain and hurt.

What are your thoughts?

I'm wondering if that's specific to the spectrum?
If humans are wired toward pleasure would it follow that we avoid pain?
Experiences inherited across evolution have kitted us out with a marvelous Central Nervous System to avoid 'pain' and some pretty outstanding intelligence to seek out pleasure.

In regard to the party attempting to cause more pain and hurt through critisism/doubt/speaking; and if I've understood it correctly, I can only guess that the original attempt didn't have the desired effect, the attention or the reward they were seeking and so they double their efforts to achieve their goal which in turn may have us doubling our efforts to avoid whatever it was we couldn't deal with in the first instance?

The more they want, the more we back off? (Into our pleasure caves)