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How to win him back - the right way

Sorry in advance for the very long post - and thank you in advance for reading and the feedback :)

Yes, it's another one of those posts. I know there are lots of posts and resources on this, but I just wanted perspective on my particular situation from people on the spectrum.

My aspie ex-bf (25M) and NT me (23F) met on a dating app and dated for 9 months. We immediately hit it off, and while he was slow and shy (as was I) to make the first moves when he did, we got close very quickly.

He is charming, smart, sweet, handsome, and funny. I would say these things to him every day. We'd share riddles and puzzles and we were a big part in each others lives. He had a lot to offer in the relationship, and so did I. I know I am affectionate and patient and extremely caring, but ever so often, I have extreme anxiety issues and low self-esteem, and I think over time, they were the cause of the demise of the relationship. We had a wonderful time together, filled with happiness, shared experiences and lots of laughs. He touched almost every part of my life, and I'm sure I did his as well.

We first broke up a month ago, and he did it in person. He was very pained and looked like he had a very rough time. He said he felt like he constantly made me sad and I don't deserve that. He looked like he was beating himself over it. To be perfectly honest, he didn't make me sad. We had our disagreements, but we never fought and I love him so very much because he deserves to be loved. He never said it back to me, and I never forced him, because, strange as this may sound, I felt it in my heart. I have never felt more loved in a relationship than with him. So it hurt slightly when he didn't say it. But I felt the love. During the first breakup, I told him that I wholeheartedly believed that we were compatible and that he didn't make me sad. I react quite strongly to things, because of my anxiety and self-esteem, and I'm sure it affected him, but I reassured him that he made me happy all the time. He took a few days of space (which I gave him) and then wrote back to me apologising for jumping to a breakup, and so we got back together.

We had a blissful couple of weeks after that, and things went back to normal. The only thing I would say maybe affected the next few weeks was one day I broke down and told him I was scared I wasn't good enough for him, and he told me I never need to worry about these things. Then about 2 weeks ago, I moved to a new city for an internship. He dropped me off at the station and kissed me and we hugged goodbye for a long time. He said he'll come to see me in this new city at the end of this month. He even waved at me inside the train and waited till it left the platform. Everything was great.

Then, for a week after, we texted as normal, and played wordle and played games in the evening after both of our work. Throughout our relationship, he texted me good morning and good night, and even on the day of the final breakup (a week ago), he texted me the good morning that morning, so I thought nothing of it.

That evening, he called me. I sensed something was different as he sounded colder. He said he doesn't have romantic feelings for me anymore and felt more like friends, and it happened gradually over months (interestingly, this never came up at all during the first breakup) and that he was sorry. He also said that he would like to continue being friends, and visit my internship city as planned and play games and hang out just as before, but just as friends.

I was upset. Even though I was deathly calm on the call, an hour after, I sent him a not-so-nice text saying that it was rude of him to offer to come to my internship city for fun, but not for breaking up in person, and that he wasn't the kind man I met at the start and that he blindsided me completely. It wasn't as rude as it sounds, but I still mentioned these things. I haven't texted him since, and neither has he. The only sign I would say that he was sad was that he listened to a song called "Worst mistake" the day after the breakup on spotify (slim pickings, I know, but I'm a sad girl haha)

I should mention that I am his second longest relationship. His longest was 1 year and a few months, and it was pretty much LDR throughout. I was the first long-term one, in person the whole time.

I, however, realised the role I had to play in this breakup. He told me during the final breakup that despite me possessing the three things he looks for in a partner: being funny, smart and pretty, he didn't understand why the attraction faded. But I do. I think it's because I didn't have the confidence in those things myself and I would constanly put myself down, so how could I have expected him to be confident in our relationship and my qualities? Another thing was I met him a MONTH after moving to a new country and city, and he was my entire life there. I never built an experience there for myself, and in the middle, I started panicking about him leaving me, and me not knowing what to do in this city anymore. And I suffocated him and clutched on.

I know we can't get back together right now or maybe in the near future. I have so much work I need to do on myself. I've started therapy. I'm going to get a job when I go back from my internship. I'm going to start building my hobbies and passions with friends in this new city. And I've had a previous nt-nt relationship end because of the above issues, so I'm doing this for me, not him or anyone else.

But I want to fight for this. I KNOW he's not incompatible with me. I had already made such progress with his communication, even though he didn't realise. We have so many of the same interests, I obsess over his dog more than he does, he's such a beautiful soul and I love him. I can work hard on this, and he also worked for us, just, the work he needed with my issues was too much. And I'm so sorry I made him feel that way.

I have a few questions though:

1. I have left a lot of things at his and I'm going to pick them up in 2 months in-person. I want to share these reflections with him and end on a positive note. I also want to tell him that I won't be friends with him until I've made enough progress with myself and grown, and then after, I will reach out if I'm in a place to reconnect. Is this a good idea?
2. After the not-so-nice text, I've been wanting to send him a short text saying not to take that text to heart, and that I have more clarity on things. Just that. Should I send this text just after a week, or after longer, or just tell him when I see him in person? I just don't want him to internalise it.
3. Is it impossible for us to reconnect and for me to win-back what we lost? I would like to do it slowly and steadily. In your opinion, do you think, in the distant future, he would give me a second chance? There wasn't anything blatantly wrong with us, just the above things.

Thank you SO MUCH for reading all this, and please be kind, I've lost someone I love.
 

1ForAll

Well-Known Member
V.I.P Member
Sorry in advance for the very long post - and thank you in advance for reading and the feedback :)

Yes, it's another one of those posts. I know there are lots of posts and resources on this, but I just wanted perspective on my particular situation from people on the spectrum.

My aspie ex-bf (25M) and NT me (23F) met on a dating app and dated for 9 months. We immediately hit it off, and while he was slow and shy (as was I) to make the first moves when he did, we got close very quickly.

He is charming, smart, sweet, handsome, and funny. I would say these things to him every day. We'd share riddles and puzzles and we were a big part in each others lives. He had a lot to offer in the relationship, and so did I. I know I am affectionate and patient and extremely caring, but ever so often, I have extreme anxiety issues and low self-esteem, and I think over time, they were the cause of the demise of the relationship. We had a wonderful time together, filled with happiness, shared experiences and lots of laughs. He touched almost every part of my life, and I'm sure I did his as well.

We first broke up a month ago, and he did it in person. He was very pained and looked like he had a very rough time. He said he felt like he constantly made me sad and I don't deserve that. He looked like he was beating himself over it. To be perfectly honest, he didn't make me sad. We had our disagreements, but we never fought and I love him so very much because he deserves to be loved. He never said it back to me, and I never forced him, because, strange as this may sound, I felt it in my heart. I have never felt more loved in a relationship than with him. So it hurt slightly when he didn't say it. But I felt the love. During the first breakup, I told him that I wholeheartedly believed that we were compatible and that he didn't make me sad. I react quite strongly to things, because of my anxiety and self-esteem, and I'm sure it affected him, but I reassured him that he made me happy all the time. He took a few days of space (which I gave him) and then wrote back to me apologising for jumping to a breakup, and so we got back together.

We had a blissful couple of weeks after that, and things went back to normal. The only thing I would say maybe affected the next few weeks was one day I broke down and told him I was scared I wasn't good enough for him, and he told me I never need to worry about these things. Then about 2 weeks ago, I moved to a new city for an internship. He dropped me off at the station and kissed me and we hugged goodbye for a long time. He said he'll come to see me in this new city at the end of this month. He even waved at me inside the train and waited till it left the platform. Everything was great.

Then, for a week after, we texted as normal, and played wordle and played games in the evening after both of our work. Throughout our relationship, he texted me good morning and good night, and even on the day of the final breakup (a week ago), he texted me the good morning that morning, so I thought nothing of it.

That evening, he called me. I sensed something was different as he sounded colder. He said he doesn't have romantic feelings for me anymore and felt more like friends, and it happened gradually over months (interestingly, this never came up at all during the first breakup) and that he was sorry. He also said that he would like to continue being friends, and visit my internship city as planned and play games and hang out just as before, but just as friends.

I was upset. Even though I was deathly calm on the call, an hour after, I sent him a not-so-nice text saying that it was rude of him to offer to come to my internship city for fun, but not for breaking up in person, and that he wasn't the kind man I met at the start and that he blindsided me completely. It wasn't as rude as it sounds, but I still mentioned these things. I haven't texted him since, and neither has he. The only sign I would say that he was sad was that he listened to a song called "Worst mistake" the day after the breakup on spotify (slim pickings, I know, but I'm a sad girl haha)

I should mention that I am his second longest relationship. His longest was 1 year and a few months, and it was pretty much LDR throughout. I was the first long-term one, in person the whole time.

I, however, realised the role I had to play in this breakup. He told me during the final breakup that despite me possessing the three things he looks for in a partner: being funny, smart and pretty, he didn't understand why the attraction faded. But I do. I think it's because I didn't have the confidence in those things myself and I would constanly put myself down, so how could I have expected him to be confident in our relationship and my qualities? Another thing was I met him a MONTH after moving to a new country and city, and he was my entire life there. I never built an experience there for myself, and in the middle, I started panicking about him leaving me, and me not knowing what to do in this city anymore. And I suffocated him and clutched on.

I know we can't get back together right now or maybe in the near future. I have so much work I need to do on myself. I've started therapy. I'm going to get a job when I go back from my internship. I'm going to start building my hobbies and passions with friends in this new city. And I've had a previous nt-nt relationship end because of the above issues, so I'm doing this for me, not him or anyone else.

But I want to fight for this. I KNOW he's not incompatible with me. I had already made such progress with his communication, even though he didn't realise. We have so many of the same interests, I obsess over his dog more than he does, he's such a beautiful soul and I love him. I can work hard on this, and he also worked for us, just, the work he needed with my issues was too much. And I'm so sorry I made him feel that way.

I have a few questions though:

1. I have left a lot of things at his and I'm going to pick them up in 2 months in-person. I want to share these reflections with him and end on a positive note. I also want to tell him that I won't be friends with him until I've made enough progress with myself and grown, and then after, I will reach out if I'm in a place to reconnect. Is this a good idea?
2. After the not-so-nice text, I've been wanting to send him a short text saying not to take that text to heart, and that I have more clarity on things. Just that. Should I send this text just after a week, or after longer, or just tell him when I see him in person? I just don't want him to internalise it.
3. Is it impossible for us to reconnect and for me to win-back what we lost? I would like to do it slowly and steadily. In your opinion, do you think, in the distant future, he would give me a second chance? There wasn't anything blatantly wrong with us, just the above things.

Thank you SO MUCH for reading all this, and please be kind, I've lost someone I love.
To answer your questions:

1. I think that is a reasonable approach. I mean, if he thought you were coming on too strong or acting too needy, telling him you want to back away like that because of a need to help yourself first sounds good to me. He may relax more then.

2. I don't think there is a perfect time to mention such. If it were me, I'd send it sooner than later, if you thought he was really bothered by that text. Otherwise, I'd wait till picking up your things.

3. Yes, anything like that is possible, if time apart and any improving self-esteem and reduced anxiety from therapy and re-evaluation of things makes you more attractive in those ways. Nobody can predict why he lost interest, in absence of him saying, and maybe in the future by going slower, appearing stronger and less needy, that could be the spark he needs, after more time elapses. The key though is, yes, for you to do this for you. If he is more attracted to that new you, great. If not, at least you will be better or feel better for new friendships and relationships.
 

Tom

Well-Known Member
V.I.P Member
We do get many people like yourself posting about breakups. They usually seem to be looking for some insight on how people on the spectrum think or behave with the hope that there is some technical glitch in the ASD to NT interface that can be fixed.

If they come before the breakup it can be useful, but tbh it doesn't seem to be much use once it has happened.

In this case I would have even less optimism because it does not seem technical, but emotional in that he cited the loss of romantic feelings. So at best it would seem only a friendship might be restablished.
 

Gerald Wilgus

Well-Known Member
V.I.P Member
I think you getting centered and developing confidence in yourself will be a strong positive in this as well as yourself in the future, whatever develops. I think opening yourself to him about developing yourself is appropriate. Neediness to a NT is sometimes a red flag.

I too was painfully shy and I think my neediness hung around me like a cloud. It was only after some work to like myself and my interests, and learning how to engage with people, did I develop the confidence to date and engage in relationships. When I met my future spouse I was at my most confident even as I did not anticipate a relationship at the time
 

Stuttermabolur

A psychologist said so
V.I.P Member
To be perfectly honest, if he isn't in love with you, well, he just isn't. I think the best chance for something to happen later is if you do become friends and hang around together, though I don't think it's very likely, and you must want to do it. I agree with others that gaining more confidence in yourself is useful for the future, and if you did say something hurtful or that you regret saying, I think it is only fair to apologize without preconditions. It could well be that he likes the relationship as is and isn't interested in seeing it develop into something more or different. I wish you the best in life.
 

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