How to understand romantic feelings

[Gerald Wilgus]

Yeah, i have not met anyone else who is interested in the same things as me.

I don't really have intense feelings for this person, i think it is more of a crush of the idealized version of this person i made up in my mind. I feel like if i were to get to know him well these feelings will pass. And i cant imagine myself in a relationship with him anyway.

Just let these infatuations wash over you, as you learn from them. Then live for yourself and pursue your interests. Sometimes that is how you create opportunities to meet like-minded men and you both have a common interest, and you can decide if all of your other interests harmonize, and then you have the luxury to agree on Values, Goals, and Compatibility. l had a relationship fail because of several things, learned what counted, and then less than a year later I was ready to meet a good person.

 

[Boogs]

Yeah, i have not met anyone else who is interested in the same things as me.

Welcome to my group! What binds us all together is the common interest of never finding anyone with something interesting to talk about. We spend endless hours discussing this!

We charge obscene membership fee's since it gives all new members something interesting to talk about to break the ice!

Just let these infatuations wash over you, as you learn from them.

I was thinking of saying similar, then remembered just how overwhelmingly powerful the feelings can be on occasion, and being unable to comprehend them, I for one can't compartmentalise them very effectively. Making good clear decisions can be difficult under those circumstances, and while it's good advice to be sure, following it isn't always within our (or just my?) conscious capacity.

 

[paloftoon]

If your feelings are sexual in nature or if you imagine yourself wanting to live with the person eventually, then your feelings would be romantic. If you still aren't sure, then your feelings are probably romantic.

If you don't interact with him besides him being your tutor, then there's no romantic interest. I mean, is he touching your hand or are you trying to touch his? Neither of you should be touching each others hands in a caressing manner without more context.

 

[Boogs]

If your feelings are sexual in nature or if you imagine yourself wanting to live with the person eventually, then your feelings would be romantic.

While I can only comment from my own experience, I'm not sure this is always the case. I've experienced intense sexual attraction for someone which I've (at the time) confused with romantic attachment. This has usually been during manic periods where my hormones have gone potty for a while, and it can effect cognition and decision making profoundly at times.

But I have big problems understanding my feelings and emotions at the best of times so I'm not really much of a comparison worth making, but I can still appreciate the changes that occurred at these times and the level of intensity and discombobulation they can invoke.

 

[Judge]

I still kind of shake my own head about having intimate relationships with NT women where I had nothing in common in any of them, with the exception of two of them regarding photography as a hobby. Where one of them I met in an adult education class. Uh-huh....it was a photography class.

But through personal experience I really do believe you can enjoy another person's company even if both have nothing in common with one another. Purely "chemical", but if it works, don't knock it.

 

[Boogs]

Chemicals play a far larger part than we care to think about mostly. To decide a relationship is only genuine if it involves specific neurotransmitters sounds rather tenuous to me. To believe love is some part of us separate from all others and working in a magical fashion seems rather frivolous to me - that's not to say there isn't poetry there, rather why should that not come from chemicals and electrical signals, since that's what we are made of, behaviourally speaking.

So if that's a reasonable argument, who are we to judge (pun not intended!) a relationship based on what chemicals are in play? In fact, who are we to judge anything about a relationship as long as it's consensual and non-abusive?

 

[AprilR]

I think a lot of things are holding me back. Like the fact that he is my teacher, the age gap and the fact that i made friends at the course. They might be weirded out.

And I don't want to alienate myself anymore than i already did.

 

[AprilR]

So there has been an update: the class i have been attending is canceled and i will soon join another class with another teacher.

So, no more teacher/ student relationship between us. But i am still very undecided about what to do. I don't know about his feelings at all also.

The only thing i am certain is that i will miss him and his classes. I don't want to lose the little connection i have with him now. Because i don't feel that connection often, almost never.

 

[Rodafina]

@AprilR
Maybe this person is worth taking a chance on. At least keeping in contact with as a friend, and then see where it goes.

 

[grommet]

How do you understand if your feelings are romantic or not?

I think you already know because the feelings have made you ask the question. I think if you liked someone else in a different way you would not be wondering.

I think there are different kinds of romantic feelings. I had a crush on a girl at work. I thought she was very pretty and I liked her attitude. But it was not love. I did feel romantic every time I saw her and I looked forward to seeing her.

When I was in love with my ex there was no question. If I can use a hyperbolic metaphor, it was like "being hit by a train filled with morphine and gooey sugar". It hurt because it was so intense but also wonderful like I was floating in happiness.

I think you have noticed your feelings for this man are different than you normally feel for people so I think you are having romantic feelings.

I wish I could answer the question. I think it is a good one and very clear but maybe someone else can explain better how to know.

 

[AprilR]

Today was the last day of our classes. From now on i will probably never see him again. I am feeling sad because just seeing him was a source of happiness for me. So i guess my feelings were romantic after all. But there is nothing i can do. It was just a dream

 

[Judge]

Today was the last day of our classes. From now on i will probably never see him again. I am feeling sad because just seeing him was a source of happiness for me. So i guess my feelings were romantic after all. But there is nothing i can do. It was just a dream

I suspect this is a real issue for many of us on the spectrum. That we are inherently reticent to pursue a relationship in real time. That we often remain too distant and just think about it, without acting upon it. With our defenses so well-honed that we often do nothing. Unwilling to risk the possibilities.

Yet IMO the only real way to understand your own true feelings is to act on them. Not merely think about them. And in the process be able to get a better understanding of how that person may think of you as well.

When "nothing ventured, nothing gained" becomes more than just another cliche to scoff at. That to have any possibility of such a relationship, at some point you have to stick your neck out and just throw caution to the wind.

 

[AprilR]

I don't know if he even feels the same way, and he is way older than me. And i guess i don't want to make him uncomfortable by putting him in a tough spot. I was thinking of all these things. Maybe i am weird for even taking an interest in him. I am scared of what people would think.

 

[Judge]

I don't know if he even feels the same way, and he is way older than me. And i guess i don't want to make him uncomfortable by putting him in a tough spot. I was thinking of all these things. Maybe i am weird for even taking an interest in him. I am scared of what people would think.

With a student-teacher connection, it would seem wise to inherently have used discretion. A scenario where the teacher might suffer professional/ethical consequences. That much is true.

I once was involved with someone at work....the relationship eventually died when she dumped me, and yes it was very awkward and painful for a while. Yet I'm still glad I reached out to her at the outset. And yes, people in the office definitely had opinions about it...

Sometimes you just have to stick your neck out...even if your head gets chopped off.

 

[AprilR]

With a student-teacher connection, it would seem wise to inherently have used discretion. A scenario where the teacher might suffer professional/ethical consequences. That much is true.

I once was involved with someone at work....the relationship eventually died when she dumped me, and yes it was very awkward and painful for a while. Yet I'm still glad I reached out to her at the outset. And yes, people in the office definitely had opinions about it...

Our teacher student relationship has ended as of today. In theory, this is better of course, but now i have no excuse to talk to him, and i won't be able to see him.. Just wish i had an excuse to still be able to see him.

 

[Judge]

Our teacher student relationship has ended as of today. In theory, this is better of course, but now i have no excuse to talk to him, and i won't be able to see him.. Just wish i had an excuse to still be able to see him.

You are no longer his student, so you are not violating any ethical consideration beyond a noticeable age difference between consenting adults.

In essence you don't need an excuse to see him.

Though in doing so it doesn't sound like you can anticipate his reaction. Impossible to say what it might be if you explain your true intentions. Yet now you have nothing to lose in trying.

Two reasons for you to take that leap of faith:

1) Because you do seem to care about him.
2) Because you need the practice, even if it doesn't work out. (Something I would emphasize to much of anyone on the spectrum who isn't an extrovert.)

 

[AprilR]

I think that even if he has feelings for me, he would hesitate to act on them and might reject me because of the age gap. He kept bringing up his age in our conversations. I really don't know if he has feelings for me

Thank you so much for listening by the way. I am feeling very depressed at the moment

 

[Judge]

I think that even if he has feelings for me, he would hesitate to act on them and might reject me because of the age gap. He kept bringing up his age in our conversations. I really don't know if he has feelings for me

Yes, I think that's quite possible.

However again nothing ventured, nothing gained.

Sometimes you have to take emotional risks. No way around it unless you are comfortable being perpetually alone. Which I can tell you from personal experience, is not for everyone. Even those of us on the spectrum. When we want balance with solitude, but not necessarily dominance by it.

Though I can also tell you that just establish such a connection with someone is just one step in the process. The next is to find out just what kind of person they may actually be. Which from personal experience can have some unwanted consequences. When you find out they may not be quite the person you thought of. But that you could only find out in living with them at "close range". Lots of risks in romance. Not just finding someone, but the ability to make it last.

 

[Aspychata]

Think you could have gone out as friends. Like tested the waters. Sometimes those stay just friends, sometimes you find out there was something more. I have had some great friendships with men because they were shy, l can be shy, so just hanging was a okay way to check each other out. I met a really nice guy this way, we would go to movies, just chat about our circumstances. We tried for a relationship, but we both realized we were better at being friends.

 

[AprilR]

I messaged him saying thank you for your efforts to keep the group together, and that i am glad to meet him. I am so nervous my hands were shaking..

Update: He responded and actually kept up the conversation! I am so nervous but happy.