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How to tell if an Aspie guy loves you?

Aryana

Well-Known Member
Do you say “I love you” to him? If not, maybe he’s too shy to say it first. If you do say it, maybe he just needs more time.
Well he was definitely really shy when I first met him. I have not said I love you I'm afraid it'll freak him out. He will never say it first that I do know. Would you say it?
 

Kalinychta

Well-Known Member
V.I.P Member
Well he was definitely really shy when I first met him. I have not said I love you I'm afraid it'll freak him out. He will never say it first that I do know. Would you say it?
I would say it, yeah. Why do you think it would freak him out? If you’re nervous about saying it, maybe it’s just not the right time yet.
 

Aryana

Well-Known Member
I would say it, yeah. Why do you think it would freak him out? If you’re nervous about saying it, maybe it’s just not the right time yet.
I'm not really sure why I think that. Eventually I will say it when I feel like it's the right time but I think he would know by now with how I've been towards him he can't be that oblivious
 
I don't think he did.
Oh I'm assuming he never disclosed that with you then but if he hasn't well that's entirely up to him though.

Yep sadly not unusual for lots of men on the Spectrum and even NT men to remain a virgin later than normal.

But of course at the same time going to a sex worker or paying for sex is not for everyone, that route is not for everyone or it's just not everyone's cup of tea.

Reminds me, I know I sometimes get angry like many people do that Hollywood made the movie The 40-Year-Old Virgin with Steve Carell a lot of people no doubt feel that movie is an insult and a mockery to people who have not had sex by a certain age
 

Kalinychta

Well-Known Member
V.I.P Member
I'm not really sure why I think that. Eventually I will say it when I feel like it's the right time but I think he would know by now with how I've been towards him he can't be that oblivious
He sounds like a sweet guy, so I bet he’ll like hearing it. You’ll know when the right moment comes around. :)
 

Hypnalis

Well-Known Member
Eventually I will say it when I feel like it's the right time but I think he would know by now with how I've been towards him he can't be that oblivious
Among the things that are often recommended for communicating with Aspies are to be direct, honest, and concise.
"Direct" implies "literal" (i.e. no indirect speech. no assumptions about tone of voice, body language, etc).

You need to consider about what you actually want to do, and why you're doing it.
And then think very hard about what "I love you" will mean when you use it. He won't know.

It's not just 3 words. To Aspies, with large innate gaps in their communication skills, notably in this very area, it's not just the usual minefield. It's a book worth of information plus an extended version of the usual minefield.

I think you have an obligation, and if you genuinely want an LTR a duty, to fully and accurately explain the nature of this important step to him. That means more than 3 words.
 
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kriss72

Well-Known Member
V.I.P Member
Even you know a person loves you, it doesn't hurt that they also say the words... I would trust actions over words thou...
 

kriss72

Well-Known Member
V.I.P Member
I just thought about something, are you telling him about your feelings? oh never mind, I can see my phone played tricks on me and I had missed most of this thread - sorry
 
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kriss72

Well-Known Member
V.I.P Member
I'm not really sure why I think that. Eventually I will say it when I feel like it's the right time but I think he would know by now with how I've been towards him he can't be that oblivious
two thoughts, could he be thinking something similar? And, if he has never been in a relationship before, he might not know to say it..?
 

Aryana

Well-Known Member
I just thought about something, are you telling him about your feelings? oh never mind, I can see my phone played tricks on me and I had missed most of this thread - sorry
It's okay. I did tell him a while back I have feelings for him that is where we got to this point now. However I don't really think he understood what I meant by that.
 

Aryana

Well-Known Member
two thoughts, could he be thinking something similar? And, if he has never been in a relationship before, he might not know to say it..?
It's hard for me to say with him. I'm going with my gut and I think he feels the same way as me. Yes and the fact that he's never been in a real relationship I don't think he would know to say those words. At least not be the first one I pretty much have initiated this entire relationship. Now he's starting to initiate a little more. But I kind of have to give him the okay.
 

kriss72

Well-Known Member
V.I.P Member
It's hard for me to say with him. I'm going with my gut and I think he feels the same way as me. Yes and the fact that he's never been in a real relationship I don't think he would know to say those words. At least not be the first one I pretty much have initiated this entire relationship. Now he's starting to initiate a little more. But I kind of have to give him the okay.
It sounds like you have made great progress with him, keep helping him, changes takes time for us on the spectrum :) Yeah, I was thinking it might be an inexperience thingy more than an emotional one.
 
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Kalinychta

Well-Known Member
V.I.P Member
Among the things that are often recommended for communicating with Aspies are to be direct, honest, and concise.
"Direct" implies "literal" (i.e. no indirect speech. no assumptions about tone of voice, body language, etc).

You need to consider about what you actually want to do, and why you're doing it.
And then think very hard about what "I love you" will mean when you use it. He won't know.

It's not just 3 words. To Aspies, with large innate gaps in their communication skills, notably in this very area, it's not just the usual minefield. It's a book worth of information plus an extended version of the usual minefield.

I think you have an obligation, and if you genuinely want an LTR a duty, to fully and accurately explain the nature of this important step to him. That means more than 3 words.
Not all people with autism are like this. I’m not. It doesn’t seem like most on the forum are either. The way she approaches telling him she loves him will have to be based on what he’s like as an individual—which is true of every relationship, not just ones between one or more autistic people.
 

Hypnalis

Well-Known Member
@Kalinychta

Most of the people on the forum have the characteristic communication deficits that are literally a defining symptom of ASD.

IMO a relationship's first "I love you" is one of the phrases with the most "indirect information" associated with the words. That's certainly consistent with my personal experience. I'd be interested to hear if your experiences have been different.
 

Kalinychta

Well-Known Member
V.I.P Member
@Kalinychta

Most of the people on the forum have the characteristic communication deficits that are literally a defining symptom of ASD.

IMO a relationship's first "I love you" is one of the phrases with the most "indirect information" associated with the words. That's certainly consistent with my personal experience. I'd be interested to hear if your experiences have been different.
My experiences are different, yeah. Most people know what “I love you” means, autistic or not. Unless the OP’s boyfriend has intellectual deficits, I think he’ll know what love is. I could be wrong, but it seems more like she’s just nervous about saying it and isn’t sure how he’ll take it (emotionally), and she’s nervous he may not feel the same. It sounds like pretty typical stuff for any relationship.
 
It's hard for me to say with him. I'm going with my gut and I think he feels the same way as me. Yes and the fact that he's never been in a real relationship I don't think he would know to say those words. At least not be the first one I pretty much have initiated this entire relationship. Now he's starting to initiate a little more. But I kind of have to give him the okay.
Initiated, were you the one that asked him out? Were you the one that started talking to him first or introduced yourself to him first?
 

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