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How to (tactfully) tell someone the aren't pleasant to be around (more)

Discussion in 'Off Topic' started by Sherlock77, Dec 4, 2021.

  1. Sherlock77

    Sherlock77 Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

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    A friend of mine who I know is very lonely, also loves drinking, and I find him very unpleasant to spend time with when the first place he bolts is a beer store, or a pub, where he tends to drink too much quite often

    And in the process it's very difficult to spend leisure time with him, why when he asked for a ride to help run an errand tomorrow I purposely limited my time frame (with a little white lie :rolleyes:), based on recent experiences with him (bad time managment), and it's also very much the drinking and how he acts when he drinks that drives me away...

    He doesn't seem to know anything but drinking, or thinking about drinking, etc... Unfortunately, he needs help badly but that is another story about how you deal with that...
     
    Last edited: Dec 4, 2021
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  2. Thinx

    Thinx Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

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    Have you tried to raise this with him? Does he seem to know why he is drinking? Maybe ask him that, rather than focus on the drinking. It's kind of you to help him and be concerned for him.
     
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  3. Sherlock77

    Sherlock77 Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

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    I've known him for a few years, but he has always lived in other cities... He is now here in need of some help, but I think he has always been a drinker, sometimes heavy... It would take a lot of convincing with him, but I know he has had a very rough life... It might be an excuse, but it shouldn't have to be an excuse either, if you get what I mean... I might take him by a coffee shop for a short while, but he would find that boring because he can't buy a beer, yup...

    I'm picking him up at 3:30, I could have met earlier but I know the first place he'll bolt to is a beer store, and I gave him basically a two hour time frame
     
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  4. Thinx

    Thinx Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

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    It's not that it's an excuse, more that it's the reason or underlying problem, the life he had. Maybe poverty and it's effects, or abuse of some kind? Then addiction becomes a crutch, a way to cope with chronic PTSD, feelings of lack of worth, terrifying or humiliating memories. Sounds like he needs help, like maybe detox and professional mental health support and help to manage addictions. Maybe sound him out about his life and how it's been? Maybe say you see he drinks apparently to forget or to feel ok, what is the reason? Blunt but it could get through to him.
     
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  5. Suzette

    Suzette Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

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    My father is alcoholic. I know this condition well.

    Maybe he started drinking to self medicate. Maybe he wanted to celebrate. But it doesn't matter why. Once an alcoholic the "reasons" are just an excuse to get your fix.

    As my father has said "Had a crap? Congratulations! Have another beer! You deserve it."

    He already knows he is an alcoholic. He already knows his drinking causes problems. He knows. He knows. He knows.

    He also knows that he isn't above lieing and manipulating friends and family to get his fix. He justifies his poor behavior because that booze has become more important.

    There is no point in not being blunt. Not because he does not desrve your care, but because he can't hear anything else. The alcoholisim is creating a white noise in his brain that drowns out everything else.

    There is nothing you can personally do to get him to stop. He has to decide to do it. You can help by giving him info on the local chapter of A.A.. You can offer to drive him to the meetings if you want. But he has to do the rest.
     
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  6. PinkPhilodendron

    PinkPhilodendron Active Member V.I.P Member

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    What ist your goal?
    A) you want to tell him to make him understand why you don't want to spend time with him anymore or cancel any contact
    B) you want to tell him to make him change
    C) you just want to tell him because you want to be honest and care about him and wish for him to understand the outside perspective of his behaviour so he can choose what to do with himself.
    D)????

    B) doesn't work so for Options A) and C) I would meet with him. If you go somewhere where he can have a drink he will be more relaxed and probably be more concentrated to listen. I would explain that I know him for auch a long time, that I value his friendship and company but that I feel something hast gone down a Bad path for him seeing the alcohol consume is rather high and that [(for C: I am there for support and a sympathetic ear but that I don't enjoy the time with him when He has had more than 1-2 beers because He becomes aggressiv/loud etc.) (For A: the friendship ist not enjoyable anymore but has rather become onerous and that him being aggressive/loud etc when drunk is very uncomfortable for me and that I don't want this type of relationship in my life. That it is too much of a burden for me to cope. And that i Wish him the best and that I hope he will find what he is missing in his life.)]
     
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  7. Sherlock77

    Sherlock77 Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

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    I know it's an ingrained habit and I know I won't change him, but he is really not enjoyable to spend time with... Today I'm just helping him out with an errand, as he doesn't have a car right now... He already offered to go for supper as well, which I don't want to do because I know what will happen and how long it will probably take (far longer than it should take)

    That is why I gave him a two hour window
     
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  8. Judge

    Judge Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

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    It's not a habit, but rather an addiction. Where "being tactful" about it goes out the window.

    In essence, despite your good intentions you're utterly over your head. I know...I've been there under more complex circumstances. - Having an alcoholic girlfriend many years ago. Complicated apart from the relationship, but by her daughter who came to trust and depend on me as a parent she otherwise didn't have.

    (Kids can be really perceptive about their own parents. A father who seemed indifferent and sometimes cruel towards her and an "absentee mother" given her alcoholism.)

    I was soooooooooooo over my head. Eventually all I could do was to bail. Did I feel guilty about it? Hell yes.

    Was there anything I could do to change the circumstances? Hell no.

    If this is just a casual friend, better to bail now than a few years later as in my case. Where I really stayed in the relationship not as a partner, but as a pseudo-parent to her troubled daughter who needed some stability in the household. Very sad for all of us.
     
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  9. Sherlock77

    Sherlock77 Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

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    I'm trying to do that actually, I went to college with him many years ago (when he wasn't like this), and we have been friends from a distance between different cities, this last month is the first time I've spent this much time with him... I even wonder if this is just his normal self, in terms of the drinking addiction, it might be except that I've never really seen it before...
     
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  10. Judge

    Judge Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

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    There's nothing "normal" about what happens to someone who pathologically becomes an alcoholic.

    Like my uncle, a bright and kind man who ran his own dentistry practice. But alcoholism cost him his practice, his marriage, his two children, his leg and eventually his life. For some, alcohol is like a chemical form of slow suicide.

    And yet I still ended up in a relationship with an alcoholic. Go figure. Though she went to quite an extent at times to hide it. Similar perhaps to how some of us mask out autistic traits and behaviors. Yeah, she had me fooled for a time as well. Guilty as charged. Causing me to enable her at times. :oops:
     
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  11. Magna

    Magna Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

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    I don't know if the following fits your personal experience, but this is what I'd say based on my personal experiences: "Dude, I'm not a drinker and I just can't deal with being around people who drink a lot. I'm not telling you to stop; you have to make your own choices, but I've had bad experiences with alcohol and being around alcohol and for those reasons I can't really hang out with you."
     
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  12. Suzette

    Suzette Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

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    Yes, alchoholics can be quite charming at times. It is survival.
     
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  13. Aspychata

    Aspychata Serenity waves, beachy vibes V.I.P Member

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    The interesting thing is that addictive personalities do exist. Gambling, alcoholism, drug addiction, sexual promiscuity, excessive shopping can fall under this umbrella. Even excessive eating can be an addiction which actually can be a chemical inbalance. I always wonder if the overweight person at my gym is eating emotions or just wired wrong.

    Ask him what he is trying to get away from emotionally. Then maybe see if you can guide him to free counselling services if you can get him to open up.

    Anyways blaming the crutch or the person doesn't accomplish anything. Trying to discover the solution is way more progressive. Like @Thinx said, just ask him, then you are showing concern and if he feels comfortable, he may open up.☺

    I asked an alcoholic if l could call 911 because he almost passed out trying to get his fix at our store. The next day the ambulance came. He was in detox for about 6 weeks. I hope he is better.
     
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  14. Sherlock77

    Sherlock77 Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

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    Well... I showed up when I was supposed to, waited for awhile just to be certain, and he wasn't there... He didn't get in touch with me at all... So I went to Safeway to do my grocery shopping and then went home... *shrugs*
     
  15. Fino

    Fino Alex V.I.P Member

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    Can't you just cut him out of your life? I assume he doesn't live with you.
     
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  16. Skittlebisquit

    Skittlebisquit Just keep trying, victory brings glory V.I.P Member

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    Please be careful, with your hands, with your feet and with your heart. Your compassion is one of your finest qualities, I admire that about you. Sometimes people can take advantage of an honest man
     
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  17. Sherlock77

    Sherlock77 Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

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    I am aware, no money was going to exchange hands anyway, and I am thinking through right now how to establish boundaries...
     
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  18. Skittlebisquit

    Skittlebisquit Just keep trying, victory brings glory V.I.P Member

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    Safety in numbers too. Outreach and uplift are both basically charity issues. Its inspiring that you want to help someone out, maybe take a friend with you, or meet in public places.....
     
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  19. watersprite

    watersprite inadvertent vagabond V.I.P Member

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    My younger brother was addicted to alcohol. My support, struggles to be truthful, and love for him were to no avail. The addict is on an entirely different track. Almost everyone in the family tried over and over, many different ways, to help.
    The addict has to find, to hit bottom and get themselves up or not. They’ll pull others down with them - &/or the relationship can become co-dependent.
     
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  20. Yeshuasdaughter

    Yeshuasdaughter You know, that one lady we met that one time. V.I.P Member

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    If you've been friends for a long time, it'll be kind of hard. You have two choices.

    Either sort of ghost him (which is really rude) and tell him you're busy all the time. Don't lie. But just say that you can't hang out because you have things to do.

    The second option, and I've done this before, is the next time he calls, swallow your pride, and tell him straightforward, but kindly that you don't like being around him when he drinks, that he becomes really crass and unpleasant, and you're worried about his health.

    He'll most likely (for number two) yell at you and tell you to mind your own business. Stay firm, but kind, and he'll hang up on you. You might not hear from him for a year or two. But in that time, other friends may say the same thing, and he'll have to look at his life and make some changes.

    It's a positive thing.
     
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