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How to stay motivated?

DCA

DCA

Well-Known Member
V.I.P Member
I think like a lot of people on the spectrum that choose to date, things are just that much harder for me, in a game that is already challenging in itself.

One of my life goals has always been to find a good woman & marry her. I've been pursuing this with aspie determination for the last 2 years. Lately I've been feeling that this is a foolish & naive dream & have all but given up on it. I can feel the depression creeping up on me all week.

So for those of you on the spectrum & in the dating game, how do you stay motivated that you'll ever find that partner? How do you keep the feelings of feeling defective or broken at bay while pursuing someone or a relationship? Its something I'm struggling with lately...
 
I don't keep the feelings of defectiveness at bay, it's something discussed in all my relationships pretty early on. In my experience, if it's done right, that just brings you closer together.

And I'm not so sure about the whole idea of "pursuing" a relationship. I feel that it's best to just live your life to the fullest and when someone appears who you like or who likes you or both, you go from there. That's what I do, and I've never gone a year without someone like that popping up, although the last few years have all been just them liking me, since I lost interest in dating. But thinking of it as an active pursuit, like the same way college or work is, seems counter-productive to me.

Isn't there some cliche about finding something as soon as you stop looking?

Good luck!
 
The active pursuit of a relationship can be daunting to anyone. If you approach someone with the idea that they could potentially be someone you could date, it’s easy to focus on yourself and try to find out if they’re a good match as opposed to being interested in the person you have in front of you as a whole.

Usually when I approach someone new I always approach them with friendly intentions, once you get to know them a bit the fascination and the interest have the chance to set in and take hold.
But personally I get uncomfortable if someone makes a pass at me with explicit romantic intentions because, let’s be real, what do they know of me to consider dating me? Just what I look like, waaaay too little to consider a relationship (but on the other hand I belong to the ace spectrum, so physical attraction has a very limited pull on my interest).

I’m NT and currently dating an Aspie, and for me the fact that she’s wired differently is a secondary matter to her personality. She fascinates me endlessly and hearing from her makes me happy (LDR).
When we were first getting to know eachother she made sure I knew she was aspie, but at the same time she didn’t open with that statement as it is an important part of her life, but not what defines her as a person.

If I were you I’d try to genuinly get to know people without the heavy stone of a relationship hanging on top of your head, but by being friendly and open to new experiences. The world might surprise you!

Good luck!
 
My secret has always been not actively pursuing anything, because actively pursuing relationships reeks of desperation and desperation drives people away.

All of my relationships are things I stumbled on to while I was very busy doing other things. All of the relationships I pursued ended in a lot of regrets, pain and embarrassment for me.
 
As I mentioned in another thread, I've met the women in my life through various means, but it's always been a friendship that grew into something else. I've not been looking for romance, just someone to talk to. I don't treat women or men any differently as friends, but as a hetero man, if romance were to develop it would be with a woman. Just having someone on a comparable level I can talk to, joke with and share interests with is all I've sought. That's what I have now with my wife - an amazing friend, the best friend I have ever had whom I can rely on and trust to treat me with dignity. If she were a guy she'd still be the best friend I ever had, though I would not have developed a romantic attachment.
For what it's worth I met her on a dating site many years ago, but I was still only looking to make a friend in a new town at the time. I made a couple of friends before meeting her, but the spark was there also and we bonded.
The spark can't be forced or sought, it just happens when two compatible people meet or get to know each other better. If I could offer any advice it would be not to look for love, but look for friendship, and chances are one day you'll meet someone new and they will spark with you too.
 
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Autistamatic said:
The spark can't be forced or sought, it just happens when two compatible people meet or get to know each other better. If I could offer any advice it would be not to look for love, but look for friendship, and chances are one day you'll meet someone new and they will spark with you too.
Click to expand...

I agree, I didn't believe in 'the spark' until I experienced it. I believed it was all a romantic fantasy that people liked to project on themselves to make a moment more magical than it was, but then it happened to me and it kinda blew my mind.
 
Bolletje said:
My secret has always been not actively pursuing anything, because actively pursuing relationships reeks of desperation and desperation drives people away.
Click to expand...

Seconding this, even this socially oblivious aspie can spot desperation a mile away, and it is extremely off putting.

Concentrate on being happy alone before looking for a relationship. And approach people as friends first without any expectations first rather than as potential sexual/romantic partners.
 
Shn887 said:
I agree, I didn't believe in 'the spark' until I experienced it. I believed it was all a romantic fantasy that people liked to project on themselves to make a moment more magical than it was, but then it happened to me and it kinda blew my mind.
Click to expand...

I didn't believe in that or chemistry either until it happened to me at 43. I also thought it was all romantic fantasy, or something NTs experienced that people on the spectrum might just miss? But it can happen, and I lost my head when it did...
 
I'll marry you, DCA. :p

I don't know, if you get an answer do you think you can share it!? I'm 47. Still no closer. I have thrown in the towel now though and bought a dog instead.
 
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