how to show that i care?

[zelgadis]

it has come to my attention recently that i never seem to appear that i'm listening or acknowledging my friend's interests, problems, etc. while i don't mean to do this, it's been putting a strain on my friendships and i've been warned to change my behaviours.
i'd like to change my bad habits, but the problem is i never have the energy to care about things that aren't relevant to my interests. it's my achilles heel when it comes to my social skills. my brain's subconscious thoughts are "if it isn't relevant to me, why should i give any input?"
i know that is kinda rude to say, but that's how my brain works. i never really have much to say unless i know that it will matter somehow. what if i don't know what the person is talking about? what if the person's problem is out of my control and i can't give advice? it's hard for me to care when i should.
does anyone have tips on how i could change this behavior?

 

[Streetwise]

i might say i will try to find an answer or say i dont know anything about that ,if they're interested in something! talk about it once in a while ,research it beforehand!!! as long as its not life threatening accompany them if you can physically help.and take part

it has come to my attention recently that i never seem to appear that i'm listening or acknowledging my friend's interests, problems, etc. while i don't mean to do this, it's been putting a strain on my friendships and i've been warned to change my behaviours.
i'd like to change my bad habits, but the problem is i never have the energy to care about things that aren't relevant to my interests. it's my achilles heel when it comes to my social skills. my brain's subconscious thoughts are "if it isn't relevant to me, why should i give any input?"
i know that is kinda rude to say, but that's how my brain works. i never really have much to say unless i know that it will matter somehow. what if i don't know what the person is talking about? what if the person's problem is out of my control and i can't give advice? it's hard for me to care when i should.
does anyone have tips on how i could change this behavior?

 

[Bella Pines]

it has come to my attention recently that i never seem to appear that i'm listening or acknowledging my friend's interests, problems,

I could have posted this in my early twenties. Firstly, it is good that it has come to your attention. I spent a good part of my teens wondering why NTs didn't like me. I discovered that there is no single reason, it is a host of small things, this is one of them.

i've been warned to change my behaviours. i'd like to change my bad habits,

No. This is very wrong. No one has the right to "warn you". These are not "bad habits". This is someone's rather limited opinion. All these "bad habits" that you describe are awesome, I do the same and I'm much more comfortable around people like us. These are not bad habits.

but the problem is i never have the energy to care about things that aren't relevant to my interests. it's my achilles heel when it comes to my social skills. my brain's subconscious thoughts are "if it isn't relevant to me, why should i give any input?"

The only reason is if you want to fit in. There have been many times in my life, mostly at work and school, where it is in my interest to fit in, or be a part of a group. If you have no need for the group, then don't bother. There will always be more groups. Eventually you may be lucky enough to find people with their own special interests who don't demand that you change.

i know that is kinda rude to say, but that's how my brain works. i never really have much to say unless i know that it will matter somehow. what if i don't know what the person is talking about? what if the person's problem is out of my control and i can't give advice?

It is not rude, it simply is. Advice is a very dangerous thing. What if you advise someone to take medication and they have a reaction? What if you advise someone to take a course of action and this results in them hurting themselves? If you don't have much to say, then it is okay not to say anything.

it's hard for me to care when i should.
does anyone have tips on how i could change this behavior?

You cannot change, but you can act.

There is a school of thought that says we should not have to, and I do agree, however, practically I act all the time. There are many threads on this forum about how to act in different situations. In your situation I would:

• Look directly at the person, not too intensely, but enough to make them think that you are interested
• Nod every now and again. Stop what you are doing and give them your full attention.
• Practice making noises like "hmm" and "oooh". You have to make them at the right times
• Don't worry about answering, most NTs are happy to just keep talking about themselves and their dull existence.
• If they ask directly, just say that you agree with whatever drivel they have presented to you.

If you are lucky, you will get talked at by someone who actually is vaguely interesting, in which case this act gets much easier. Noises and timing, remember noises and timing.

 

[Rebekah]

I am NT and I came to this board for help with a friend who has AS. So I don't know if it's okay for me to respond, but this is one of the main areas of frustration I have had with my friend. I used to get my feelings hurt by this on a regular basis. I have only realized this year that he has AS and this explains so much to me. I do think he cares about me but isn't able to show it in the way I expect/have been taught by society to expect. (And then of course there are probably topics he really just doesn't care about, which is fine).

From my perspective, the best way to show interest in someone (if you want to, it is not required) is to ask questions. If they tell you something about them, you can ask a follow up question about that subject. Even if you don't really care about the answer, asking questions will give the impression that you care. Any kind of follow-up question is normally fine (who, what when, where, why--asking for further detail, etc). People like to talk about themselves, so when you give them an opportunity to do so, they will generally have a positive reaction and think you care. This is surprisingly effective.

Another option is follow up. If someone tells you a family member died or they have a fight with their boyfriend or whatever, asking at a later date about what happened or how that person is feeling, for example, shows you are thinking about them and that you care.

Again, there is no obligation, so if you really don't care, you don't have to do anything. But if you want them to think or know you care, these are good strategies, in my opinion. Or at least, this is what I would like to tell my friend, but can't.

Also, you mention advice, and my friend I think takes the same approach as you do--don't comment if you don't have any advice. This leads to him staying silent a lot when I wish he would at least say something, or giving advice that is often unwanted or just not very good! Realistically, most people are not looking for advice. They just want someone to listen. This is true 99% of the time. So I would not be afraid to simply listen without giving advice. If they want advice, they will ask, and if you don't have any to give or don't know what to say, you can simply say you don't know. That is perfectly fine and it's better to be honest.

 

[the_tortoise]

i never really have much to say unless i know that it will matter somehow.

Would it help to know that any acknowledgement or comment makes the other person feels understood? Like, could you focus on how it matters to them that you are listening? Or would it help to know that it's important to them that you try to understand, that it affects their own emotional well-being because they care what you think and want you to know/understand stuff about them?

what if i don't know what the person is talking about?

Ask for clarity, if you can. Or say something like, "I don't know what you're talking about but it sounds like it [is/was great/awful/boring/fun/important]"

what if the person's problem is out of my control and i can't give advice?

Other people's problems are always out of your control (unless the problem is you doing something that is harmful to them, but I'm assuming that's not happening).

Sometimes people just need to be heard and/or to be understood. Often they don't even want advice.

Just listening to people talk about their problems can help them feel a lot better.