How to deal with co-workers

[Robby]

Ok so I am liking my new job overall, seems to be a good fit for me, am a clerk for a local law firm. Mostly everyone there is nice and I can work independently most of the time. Socially, I'm doing pretty well too I think bantering with co-workers and just trying to seem normal and fit in. I don't let myself get involved in the normal gossipy **** that goes around, if someone confides in me, I never tell it to anyone else, and I never talk badly about others. But, there are like 3-4 girls and guys there the same age as me, and they seem to like me pretty well, and they're all pretty accepting of my sexual orientation which is nice. One or two of them are gay too. But the issue is this. This one girl, she's nice enough, was nice to me from my very first day, and we often joke and banter in the break room and just chat when we're on break or something. She's the type of girl who loves gay guys which is good lol. However, she is a total party girl type. Don't get me wrong I partied hard in my 20s and went out drinking the whole bit, but I'm done with that now. I mean I'd go out for a drink once in awhile but I just am not a drinker. But this girl keeps asking me to go out and drink with her. I live in another city like 40 minutes away from where I work and where she lives, and I always act like I want to, but in reality I don't. I just have no desire to go out and get drunk and make a fool out of myself anymore. Plus, I have to think about driving and I don't want to go out and drink and then she's like oh you can crash on my couch. I like the girl and she's nice but I just don't want to go out and drink. But she's like the popular girl at work, and I'm afraid if I don't, she'll think I'm weird or something. Maybe it sounds stupid, but how can I still be friends and friendly with her at work but get out of going out and drinking and maybe getting into trouble? I've kept making excuses, and I don't think she really cares either way, but I just don't want to put myself in risky situations with people I have to work with. She was really nice to me when I first started there which I appreciate, and I still like hanging out with her at work, but she just constantly asks me to come out with her and "crash on her couch" etc she wants me to party with her and her friends but I just don't trust myself to be around liquor much anymore, I've gotten my life together and I don't want to jeopardize that but I also don't want to seem anti-social. I've given her several excuses so far but I feel like soon she's going to think I'm weird if I keep putting off her constant requests to go out and party with her.


Part of it's my fault, I felt so awkward at first when I started working there that I'd just say pretty much anything to fit in, and she probably thinks I'm a party guy when I'm really not at all. How do I delicately keep declining her constant offers to go out and "get wasted"? Sometimes when talking to co-workers especially those my age I feel so awkward and nervous that I'll say things I don't really mean at all, like when they're always talking about partying, I haven't partied in ages, and have no desire to touch liquor anymore, yet that's all they talk about and I feel if I don't act like I do too they'll think I'm weird. For example the other day in the breakroom they were all talking about where they went out and drank and having to take ubers, while being wasted, and I chimed in that once (albeit years ago) I had to hail a taxi while wasted. But that life is way past for me. I mean I'd rather talk about interesting things but apparently everyone my age only is interested in drinking themselves silly. How should I handle this at work?

 

[Robby]

Wow, no answers at all? Geez. Well, anyway, I'm just going to try and be sociable and cordial with my co-workers but just try and re-direct the conversation when/if they ask me to hang out after hours. It's really just the one girl who does. The weird thing is, is that the two guys around my age (also gay like me), are nice enough to me, but they just seem really distant and stand-offish towards me. Like, they'll smile at me in the hall & whatnot, but they just seem really distant. Ever since I've been here. Friday, I was sitting in the break room eating by myself and one of them came in and he didn't say one word to me. Neither of them ever initiate conversation with me at all. But yet when they're around some of our female co-workers, they're chatty as hell. But if it's just me and them, they seem to either avoid me or not talk at all. I don't get it. Maybe I'm reading too much into things, it's really not that big a deal, but you'd think that them being gay like me would at least make them want to be more sociable towards me. Maybe they think I'm the stand-offish one, but I'm just not the type of person to talk to people unless they chat me up first or I feel comfortable with them. I dunno, it's just a little weird. Anyways, I'm just being myself, and I'm not going to stress or try to make my co-workers like me anymore, I'm just going to be myself and do my work well like always, and hopefully they'll like me enough.

 

[garnetflower13]

I would tell her that you are on a medication that forbids you having alcohol. Do you think that she would buy this? I have often talked myself into a corner, just trying to fit in, then found myself accepting invitations to things that I really, truly didn't want to go to, so I feel your pain. You could just say, I am sure it would be fun to go out drinking with you, but I have to avoid mixing alcohol with this medication.
And as for the other gay guys, are they close friends or something like that? Because maybe they feel that you are competition. It is too hard to guess.

PS I started to answer this before, but got distracted!

 

[Kirsty]

Maybe it sounds stupid, but how can I still be friends and friendly with her at work but get out of going out and drinking and maybe getting into trouble? I've kept making excuses, and I don't think she really cares either way, but I just don't want to put myself in risky situations with people I have to work with.

I suggest keeping your work separate from your personal life.

she just constantly asks me to come out with her and "crash on her couch" etc she wants me to party with her and her friends but I just don't trust myself to be around liquor much anymore, I've gotten my life together and I don't want to jeopardize that but I also don't want to seem anti-social.

By constantly asking you to go out with her, ask yourself, does she really respect you and your choices? You have to set up some clear boundaries. Make time to write them down for your own keepsakes. Do not give in to her and sooner or later she will give up. You can choose how you want to be treated and how you treat other people so I would visualize how you want your ideal life to look like and practice verbalizing your new set of boundaries to your co-worker in front of a mirror until you are confident enough to do this back to her in the workplace clearly and tactfully. Believe in yourself first and foremost.

 

[Robby]

Thanks very very helpful!! I appreciate the suggestions. I'm trying to do that! I'm proud of myself for hanging tough so far, despite verbally kind of backing myself into a corner. A close friend told me tonight that someone like that girl at work, despite being friendly, is probably not a very high caliber person if all she wants to do with me is drink and get wasted. My close friend said, nobody's holding a gun to your head, stand your ground and don't cave in to anyone if you don't want to do it. So that's what I'm going to do.

I'm going to just be cordial, banter, laugh and such because I have to work with the girl a lot, and am around her constantly, and she's nice to me at work, and I want to keep it that way, but I'm also not going to compromise my integrity by going out and getting wasted and yea, just not something I want to do. If it feels wrong, don't do it right?

As far as the suggestion about telling her I'm on a medication, I won't go that route because it might make her wonder what medication. And so far, because of feeling just awkward and wanting to fit in, I've made her think I like partying, which I really don't. So how to be subtle and back out of that while still being funny and friendly with her at work.

She's really sweet to me, not sure how genuine that is though, but on the surface at least she is which is nice. I just want them all to like me at work. But I also have to look out for myself first. I don't even like bantering and talking stupid stuff in the break room with them, but it's like I get caught up and feel shy so I just blab my mouth out of trying to overcompensate for shyness. Like the other day they were bantering about when they had partied too much and stuff, and I mentioned once when I was too drunk to sit up in a taxi. Stupid stuff like that, that was a lifetime ago for me, I don't party at all now, but Ijust banter with some of my co-workers like that because I feel shy. But it's not me. How can I pause myself in those moments and not respond so quickly. They think I party like they do I guess, but I only bantered with them to try and fit in.

 

[Mia]

I'd probably say something such as: "I don't drink anymore" or "I'm in a twelve step program" or "I gave up drinking."

 

[Robby]

I guess I'll just act like I'm not much of a drinker and leave it at that. I'm just not going to worry about it anymore, it's work, not high school. I think people there surely recognize that I am a hard dedicated worker even if I'm just a clerk, but still.

I'll be nice and cordial to my co-workers as usual, but guess you have to keep that professional distance, probably best.

I kind of wish I hadn't bantered with them in the first place regarding the partying and stuff, because all that was a lifetime ago for me, but ah well, no harm no foul right. Because now I worry they'll think I'm just a party guy, and with no integrity, and I do have integrity. It just seems like certain people make you say or act like you're a big partier when I'm really far from it, I prefer a quite night at home watching movies or going for a walk any time.

Now if this girl ever wants to go shopping or just hang or do lunch as friends sometime, that'd be doable, I just don't want to do the drinking thing.

 

[Kirsty]

I'll be nice and cordial to my co-workers as usual, but guess you have to keep that professional distance, probably best.

Now if this girl ever wants to go shopping or just hang or do lunch as friends sometime, that'd be doable, I just don't want to do the drinking thing.

Sounds like you're still unsure on how to go about the situation by keeping things professional or not. I understand it can be hard keeping a professional distance with someone after working with them for so long as it 'feels like' you know them on a personal level. See how you both get on over lunch if that truly feels right for you, but don't feel obligated to do so or let her take advantage of you. After meeting, you'll have a clearer knowing if you want this person to be in your life out of working hours or not.

 

[Judge]

I guess I'll just act like I'm not much of a drinker and leave it at that.

Nothing wrong with that response.

 

[garnetflower13]

I remember being in a similar situation, where I would allow myself to be pressured into going out with co-workers after work. They all ended up turning against me and I actually had to transfer to another location to get away from them. Ah, memories...

 

[wyverary]

Anyone whose only idea of a good time is to go out and get wasted probably isn't somebody worth spending a lot of time with. I think the litmus test here is telling her, "I don't drink, I hope that's ok," and gauge her response. If she's okay with that, and expresses being okay with that via not just words but actions, she might be worth having as a friend.

 

[Robby]

I have an addictive personality, and I was never a drinker, never liked it, it was always a case of me just doing it around people who probably didn't give a **** about me anyway. So yea, I think the word "friend" is loosely thrown around a lot now, but the meaning of the word is not someone who wants you to get wasted with them, surely. Like I said I want to remain cordial and friendly with my co-workers but I just don't understand people who all they want to do in their free time or their definition of a good weekend is getting wasted or talking about how wasted they got. Seems like a big waste to me.

I've already let on to her that I do drink, because I got nervous in our conversations and let on like I do party when actually I do not and have no interest in doing so. But if she asks again, I'll just tell her that I am cutting back on drinking and leave it at that and if she doesn't respect that then oh well that's her problem not mine.

 

[Judge]

I have an addictive personality, and I was never a drinker, never liked it, it was always a case of me just doing it around people who probably didn't give a **** about me anyway. So yea, I think the word "friend" is loosely thrown around a lot now, but the meaning of the word is not someone who wants you to get wasted with them, surely. Like I said I want to remain cordial and friendly with my co-workers but I just don't understand people who all they want to do in their free time or their definition of a good weekend is getting wasted or talking about how wasted they got. Seems like a big waste to me.

I've already let on to her that I do drink, because I got nervous in our conversations and let on like I do party when actually I do not and have no interest in doing so. But if she asks again, I'll just tell her that I am cutting back on drinking and leave it at that and if she doesn't respect that then oh well that's her problem not mine.

You don't have to explain it to us, Robby. You don't have to explain it to anyone.

People who would have the impertinence to press such an inquiry aren't worth your time outside the workplace. Admittedly you want to peacefully coexist with coworkers, but not having to pay this sort of needless "toll".

 

[Robby]

Thanks again for the responses. And as far as the two guys I work with, who are civil but never speak to me, they just act like they're too cool for school or something around me..granted I know I'm just a clerk, so maybe they just feel like they're too good to talk to me, but even some of the attorneys at the firm I work at talk to me and have conversations with me. So how come the two guys who are my age just act like they clam up around me? Oh but they don't have any problem coming to me and asking me to go run errands for them though or answer the phone. Not that I mind doing that, I just don't see why they act so standoffish around me. I literally was sitting in the breakroom the other day eating lunch and one of them came in and was doing something but didn't say one word to me or acknowledge me in any way. Don't understand it, but whatever. I'll just do me, and if they don't want to talk, fine.

 

[Robby]

Going to bump this thread because this is an ongoing issue. The same girl I work with, while we get along well, she's actually a fun person, and makes work more fun...however she constantly is bugging me to go out with her and her roomates and drink. She's only 21, so I get why all she wants to do is party, but she assumes that I want to party and get wasted with her. She asks me literally every week to go out. Well, I live 45 minutes away, and her response is, "you can crash on our couch". Well I'm sorry but that doesn't appeal to me. Like I said she's really nice to me and I don't want it to seem like I'm blowing her off, but I'm afraid if I keep doing it she's going to get pissed. I partied a lot in my 20s and I'm just not into that any more. It seems like this girl exists to party and get wasted. Every conversation is about her antics when she goes out and drinks and parties. That's all she talks about. If I met her and her friends, and we drank, I'd have to drive myself home, because I live 45 minutes away, and I'm not going to risk getting a dui. Sorry, not going to happen. I have too much going on right now to risk that. She thinks I could "sleep on her couch" but I'm not into that nor do I feel comfortable doing that. Her roomates are also other co-workers of mine, which makes it even more awkward. I'm afraid if I keep blowing her off they'll all be pissed at me. I want them to like me but I can't drive over at 11pm at night and party with them and drive back in the wee hours while intoxicated. Not my thing. I've offered to meet her some evening after work for happy hour, which would be doable, and a compromise, but I just can't risk doing that at night. How do I handle this? Only yesterday she approached me again, this time with yet another co-worker she had cajoled into going out and partying with them. It's like I am feeling pressured to do this and I don't want to. I've already partied a lot in my 20s, and most of it was not fun and led to bad stuff and I don't want to repeat that. I'm friendly to all my co workers and I think they all like me, but I guess I'm going to have to just tell them that I'm not much of a drinker so maybe then she'll shut up and stop asking me to go drink with her constantly. I'm in a good place right now and not interested in going out and getting drunk. Plus I'd have to drive home and we know how that ends up. I feel like I'm the only adult around. I find it laughable that she thinks I could crash on her couch and sleep there, I mean I have some dignity.

I don't get any enjoyment from going out and getting hammered with people I don't know that well, plus I have to think of myself and starting vocational school soon. I don't want my co workers to think I'm lame and boring, but I don't want to go out and drink with them until the wee hours. Not sure why they think that's so fun but I don't.

 

[Judge]

I decided in my late teens to never allow to be put on the spot for any reason, by anyone if I can help it.

In this case although there is a potential consequence regarding social dynamics and a coworker, in this instance she strikes me as someone who is "expendable".

Just say "no" to her. You aren't required to explain why. Keep this in mind. If you make this clear in a polite way, I suspect eventually she'll stop bothering you.

Of course if your real issue is that you just can't say "no" to people, that's a whole other problem in itself. Hopefully this is not the case.

 

[Robby]

Saying no is an occasional problem for me, but I know my own power much more than I used to, so it's not so hard. However, I feel I have to make some excuse to her so it won't sound so abrupt. I mean, I'm glad for her in ways, in a rather stiff environment, it's nice to have someone to talk to and banter with sometimes, and she's very gay friendly which is nice. She's just way way too much of a partier though for me to want to spend much time with her outside work. As I said I partied hard in my 20s and went through some really horrible things as a result, and I will NOT fall into that trap again. At the end of the day this girl is nice enough to me, but she's very trashy. I think she assumes because I am openly gay and trendy and all that I am the type to want to go out and get drunk on a nightly basis, which is very mistaken on her part.

I always tell her I'll be out of town or something, because if I tell her no, she acts like she's so disappointed or pissed. I have to work around her, so I don't want anyone mad at me, but I'm sorry, I am not going to go out and then risk driving while drunk. Not going to happen. She needs to stop bugging me about it, I'm sick of it.

 

[Judge]

Saying no is an occasional problem for me, but I know my own power much more than I used to, so it's not so hard. However, I feel I have to make some excuse to her so it won't sound so abrupt. I mean, I'm glad for her in ways, in a rather stiff environment, it's nice to have someone to talk to and banter with sometimes, and she's very gay friendly which is nice. She's just way way too much of a partier though for me to want to spend much time with her outside work. As I said I partied hard in my 20s and went through some really horrible things as a result, and I will NOT fall into that trap again. At the end of the day this girl is nice enough to me, but she's very trashy. I think she assumes because I am openly gay and trendy and all that I am the type to want to go out and get drunk on a nightly basis, which is very mistaken on her part.

I always tell her I'll be out of town or something, because if I tell her no, she acts like she's so disappointed or pissed. I have to work around her, so I don't want anyone mad at me, but I'm sorry, I am not going to go out and then risk driving while drunk. Not going to happen. She needs to stop bugging me about it, I'm sick of it.

It's just my opinion based on many years of experience working with many gay men and straight women in a downtown SF office environment. That such women tend to think of gay men as the life of the party.

Essentially because that they can "let their hair down" socially with them without any fears and tensions they would normally have with straight males. Especially if alcohol is in the equation.

That's probably why you are so routinely pressured to go out with them. Unless of course they also tend to go out with other heterosexual men. Both my gay friends and straight women in the office have all confided this to me at one time or another.

It's a dynamic I hope doesn't offend you. It's just another one of those social issues that no one likely wants to bring up.

 

[Robby]

You summed it up perfectly! And I am pretty sassy and outgoing at work. Plus, her two roomates are both gay men and a couple, plus both of them work with me too. So it's like more pressure. She must think I'd be a heavy partier or something because she is constantly asking me to go out with her and her roomates. It must be because at work I am so outgoing and friendly and sassy that she assumes I'm the life of the party when in fact I don't like alcohol and going and getting wasted doesn't appeal to me. It's not that I don't want to hang with them socially, it's just that I don't want to go out and drink in the middle of the night. That does not appeal to me. Plus I live in the next town over from them, and have to drive, and we all know how that turns out. It's the logistics of it..I'd have to drive home, and I will not drink and drive. And I'm not about to sleep on someone's couch, that's just gross. As I said I don't party any more, I don't want to repeat that because I have an addictive personality, so how can I turn her down without seeming like I'm blowing her and her roomates off, both of whom i have to work with too?

 

[Judge]

Keep in mind one other practicality. A bunch of women in a drunken stupor can be a target for thieves and rapists. Sometimes just the company of one man can make a lot of difference.

Try not to hold this against them...but also hold your ground in why you're not interested in going out drinking and getting plastered.

They might think you're a heavy partier, but they also might just think they can trust you if they are all drunk. With no likelihood of awkward encounters the next day at work. It's a compliment in this instance.